Wife is frustrating son to head banging

Post Reply New Topic

A couple of days ago after about thirty minutes of a melt down due to my wife refusing to respond to his usual non-verbal communication my son started banging his head on the wall, he has never done this before in his five years and it is obvious it was due to frustration. To me this is making it worse, not better.

He came to her and took her hand and was trying to lead her as usual to whatever he wanted(I think cookies) and she refused to get up and just repeated over and over "I don't understand NAME, what do you want?" "You have to talk, tell me what you want" he even started repeating over and over after melting down for a while "go go go go go go" and she said "no what is it you want do you want a snack?" "say snack or cookie" etc.(go is one of his few words, it can mean get up or leave the house and go into town depending).

I've explained she isn't helping, I have explained til I am exhausted that ignoring his existing attempts at communicating needs is not going to do anything but frustrate him and set back communication most likely.

She is sick of lack of progress with verbal communication, she said she refuses to accept he may not ever speak, she doesn't care if he cries or gets frustrated because he isn't in any pain or trouble and she feels she can frustrate him to speak. She is just adamant he is going to speak period and if this has to be through frustration so be it. She finds me irresponsible and a poor parent for not being behind this, and hates how I just let him lead me to things and let him position my hands for things he wants to happen. She thinks I have let him use this crutch too long, I think at least now it is all he has and meltdowns show that. She refuses to accept he may not be able to communicate verbally, she doesn't care what the reality is. She insists we both go cold turkey on responding to wants with the pulling and hand positioning, of course not with food and essentials but anything else.

She doesn't care about what any professional would say, but I'd like to see if a video or something could get through to her if anyone could suggest something.

EDIT:We tried a version of PECs and he did not take to it, and she to be honestly was not on board. Even now I said we need to try that again now that he is older or the tablet version, hell she programs apps for android and I asked her to make a simple one for him but she is against it as another "crutch" and yes I have explained that it helps with making the communication connection.

It is just a continuation of a long issue with her, she is depressed and angry and the way she deals with it is refusing to accept it. But he is making slow progress, just today she mentioned he studied the picture on a box of a toy where you use segments to build a car track and then he used the pieces to duplicate the specific arrangement on the picture on the box. But she is hung up on the language thing and just won't let it go.

I am sorry that you are going through this. It must be very difficult to see.

It sounds to me like your wife is at some sort of emotional breaking point and has temporarily lost her ability to be think things throughl.

This seems profoundly irrational and very difficult for you to deal with.

Has she been under any particularly intense stress lately? If you could find out how she arrived at this evidently destructive approach, you might be able to help her back from the extreme position she has adopted.

It sounds like you might all benefit from specialized therapy. Is that a possibility?

Honestly, you have done well to not lose your temper with your wife.

She is in denial.

She is not helping your son but instead has resulted to cruelty in her attempts to 'fix' him. Do you ignore a small NT child when they are first learning to talk? No, you figure out what they are 'trying' to say or communicate to you and might say the word in the hopes they pick it up but you don't refuse them things because they haven't given you the correct word. That would be absurd. He is attempting to communicate and rather than encourage, she is rejecting him. She will make him worse not better.

Obviously, she needs some form of therapy to help her deal with her own feelings about your son and his difficulties as she is currently not behaving rationally or lovingly towards him.

Your kid probably knows that she does understand him, and, to him, part of the hurt is that he knows ahe understands him but is refusing to respond because he is unable to communicate more precisely. Parents of kids who don't have a lot of words know their kid so well that they almost always can figure out exactly what their kid is trying to say, and your kid is aware of this connection. So, to him, it probably feels like a rejection because his skills aren't "good enough", which he can't control.

Point out to her that he *is* in pain when she does this, and she is hurting him. Although she feels she is acting in his best interest, it feels like emotional abuse to him. It is her best interest, not his. He sees it as her rejecting him because he is not good enough in her eyes, and she does not accept him for who he is. Point out that the head banging is not out of stubbornness, but out of pain that her actions are causing him.

Can you take her to speak to a doctor with you? Although she says she doesn't care what professionals say, it may be very different if she is sitting in a doctor's office.

I think it is a common layperson opinion that somehow by magic a kid will acquire skill if he has to. I also think that it is very common to think that verbal communication is the most important thing and that the kid will be doomed without it. It takes a lot of deprogramming I think, to get that any communication is better than no communication, and that building up trust is more important if you want to build up skills. If I were your son, I would be frustrated also

Maybe you can couch it in safety terms because I think she ought to be able to understand that banging his head against stuff is dangerous. Not only could he hurt himself, but it gets him in a habit of using self-harm to express frustration. I don't think that is the sort of communication skill that she wants him to learn.

(Note: I am not saying all kids who bang their heads against stuff are doing it as a communication method, but given that this particular child has never done it before, I think it is very possible that he is. I am not a medical profession and I really do not know the roots for self-harming behaviors, but I think it is possible that this is how some self-harming behaviors originate.)

He knows we both know what he wants, that is why he gets frustrated I know it. She feels things like cookies or whatever is a bonus or treat so if he wants it bad enough he can talk. I almost wish he would not do things like say words in his sleep he has never said when awake, it just makes my wife more focused on making him talk.

I'll let her try her approach and usually when I can't take the meltdown anymore I get him the treat he wanted.

I mean sometimes I have to deny him what he wants too and just let him go through the short melt down, like no we can't take a bus to the shopping mall it is 9pm they are closed and we have to go this way to go home. I explain to him why it can't happen and just have to ignore it and try to redirect his attention.

She feels we have let him lead use by the hand and position our hands his whole life and he just says less now, she is going crazy with no progress I think. I have told her so many times the more frustrated and stressed he is in general the less likely he is to do things that make him uncomfortable. She is just like nothing is working and she is sick of it.

If I try to tell her what little I remember as a young kid who was mostly non-verbal and hated talking she says he isn't me, he is his own person and doesn't see things the same way I did probably.

She will say things like look at other five year olds in uniform with a backpack and lunch box going to school, and he wants to put on a pullup instead of using the toilet even though he has full control of himself and it makes her depressed.

Don't let me make it seem like she doesn't love him she does, she feels that she is doing what is best for him by trying to force him to talk if he wants something. She feels my "it is what it is" approach is giving up hope.

EDIT:I've tried to tell her he doesn't see or comprehend a "big picture", as a child I was a very concrete thinker and still am. People telling him or me as a child the dire disaster 20 years down the line was meaningless, It made no sense to me and doesn't to him and there is really no way to make him understand. I've said you can't shame him into things or use disapproval like other kids, what does work is modeling the correct way and getting him on a routine and once he is on that he will stay on it. I get frustrated giving her these what I feel are profound insights most parents wish they had, but she just dismisses it with he isn't you. I'm telling her what I think is going on in his head based on what was going on in mine and she just isn't interested.

Last edited by TheSperg on 21 Sep 2015, 7:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

This may be way off base, but think I remember where you live you aren't able to get him much speech therapy, so I can understand your wife's frustration. She's probably desperate and may feel she is failing.

I think if you could join her so there's a compromise like he has to make sounds or grunt as a start for treats and she gives him less preferred snacks that still respond to his communication, but allow her to feel she is pushing for what she feels matters, you may get her to go along, by seeing her side of things, while still reducing the frustration for your son because he will get a response (healthy snack or reminder just one treat a day unless it's a special treat).

You may be right but I don't think that will get you anywhere with her feeling bad this way. Join her. If nothing else, you can both feel like you're winning something and your child can have healthy snacks and know he communicated, because the more stressed he is the less he'll be able to use language.

She also goes over and over things she thinks she did wrong when he was younger, like she shouldn't have let him watch African music videos because they weren't speaking English and the sounds he makes must be trying to imitate the language they were speaking.(he goes repeats bee-ah, dee dee dee, ee-ee-ah and others).

She should have kept trying breast feeding even though the ped said he was just doing it for comfort not feeding and she could stop.

We should have put him in pre-school as soon as possible, or even as a baby even though we didn't need to because being around the other kids his age talking would have made him want to talk.

She should have talked to him as an infant more than she did, on and on. And I tell her that this is all nonsense and she is not at fault at all, none of these stopped him from talking and none would have helped. His autism isn't her fault, you can't stop NT kids from talking even horribly abused kids talk. I tell her nothing she did or didn't do hurt his ability to talk, but she still goes here all the time.

When she says that he is not you, I would say he is not her either nor he is like NT kids. I honestly would say (in a nice way) that dismissing your insight as irrelevant is not especially helpful.

My son was verbal on schedule, but he would often lead me around by the hand or indicate things in atypical ways because it was easier than trying to get what was in his head out of his mouth. He still does it sometimes, and he is almost twice your son's age, and at this point talks all day long about his special interests and other things. Sometimes, even now, it is easier for certain types of communication to do this. Now that I think about it, more often than not, it is when he wants something. He will make verbal requests, often, but occasionally he still will bring me what he wants opened instead of asking me. I don't think depriving him of these things would have made him any better at it.

It is common for the mother to feel blame --- Culturally, in any place I am familiar with, there is a tendency to blame the mother. The media, relatives, in-laws, friends etc. always seem to ask/prompt/suggest what could be done differently/what was done incorrectly etc. I do not know how to help an NT get past that. The force of culture is really strong, and even I get annoyed by this BS, and I am not especially NT. It is impervious to any reason. It just is. You can try to explain, but I don't know how successful it will be.

One last post and I have to go, I think one issue is my wife knows no other autistic child so all she has to compare to is NT kids and local culture is so harsh on oddness or kids with autism they either end up in state institutions or their parents hide them at home out of shame. She knew no kids with autism, his ped who is considered one of if not the best in the nation and does work with the national public health service most working to middle class people use said she knows of around 400 severely autistic kids here(out of 1.5 million pop) most in state institutions so no one is exposed to it or knows what it is really. You never see a child with autism in public, its like the 1950s mentality in the USA.

I have absolutely no shame, people can give me nasty or disgusted looks at my son humming to himself playing in the park and I don't care, my wife can't do that she goes out with him and us but I can tell it gets to her. I'm immune to it.

The point is and as I try to tell her a lot of parents deal with constant meltdowns, violent meltdowns, self harm, hitting and biting, severe property destruction, feces smearing etc. A lot of parents go through a lot of therapy just to treat these disruptive behaviors, I see it reading online. I tell her our biggest issue with him is mild meltdowns occasionally when he is handled correctly, those parents would probably cry with joy to have a child like him if the biggest issue was non-verbal. I'm trying to make her see compared to other non-verbal autistic kids he is almost free of disruptive behavior, and she should be glad for that but she compares him to local NT children and finds he is so so far behind and disruptive because say he hums or whatever. It isn't even all local children just a specific racial and socioeconomic area, go to other areas and you will see kids more like in the USA. Hell I go to a certain McDonalds here and you have I assume NT 9 year olds screaming at the top of their lungs continuously, makes me appreciate my little guy and reminds me of the USA lol

I'm trying to tell her we are lucky and he is already far along.

You know, sometimes blaming oneself is easier than accepting that nothing can be done. It opens a window of opportunity -"If I only try harder". If she demands a lot from herself, it becomes natural to demand a lot from others.

Seems your wife is suffering from a major case of feeling helpless. Don't let her feel alone in this. Is she actually watching videos and reading up on stuff?

I may be entirely wrong about this, but I doubt it.

I just thought of something. What if you added written word labels to the PECS pictures? Would she accept that as an intermediary step towards reading and speaking? I would not make him "say" the word. I would let him point to the picture (if he is amenable to doing so) and then you or your wife could point to it also and say the word to him before getting the cookie or whatever.

We've been thru something similar with our 4yo.
The "say the word or you don't get the thing" method definitely did not work here.

I really like ASDmommy's assertion that (I hope you don't mind me paraphrasing it this way) trust has to come before talking. It seems obviously correct to me, I just never knew how to say it in such a concise way. Maybe I should try applying that principle to my marriage

Is your wife open to speaking to other moms of autistic kids?
This might help her immensely. Do you tell her about this forum? Is she interested in reading or participating in online communication with other parents? Maybe she needs to hear it from someone other than you...

I have to say I feel so much sympathy for your wife and I can understand where she is coming from. She sounds like she is experiencing so much turmoil and I don't doubt her love and commitment to your son. I hope she can come out of this phase and closer to acceptance and understanding. You sound like you are doing your best to help her take steps. What do you think she needs to make progress in this regard?

I agree with the previous posters who have said that trust must come first. I've seen first hand with my boy how much better he responds and how much more he accomplishes when I am understanding and empathetic to his experience and perspective and working with his strengths rather than trying to impose on him how he "should" be.
It is hard sometimes to remember this and still painful to accept that so many things have to be difficult and different for us.

Good luck.

Is she doing anything to deal with her own depression? That would be a really important step.

This is what I want her to understand, if possible: success with an ASD child requires being fully tuned into the child, which is something she may not be capable of at the moment. There are times that pushing will work, but one has to KNOW that their child is ready for the step, and you can't KNOW unless you are truly tuned in. If the child is not ready, all the efforts will backfire. But even if the child is ready, crossing into success is likely to be hard work. If the the child himself does not believe his ready, you still can't succeed. What allows the child to believe he is ready? TRUST that you DO understand him.

There are so many times I sat with my son and told him that I really, truly believed he was ready, that I knew it was hard, but that I would not ask if I did not really, truly, believe he was ready. Usually, I was right. When I was wrong, I allowed myself to admit that, TO HIM, as soon as I started to pick up on it. As a result, that TRUST was there, that he knew if I was pushing and he worked hard enough, there would be success.

After all that, she needs to know and get it buried deep into her heart that the prognosis for ASD kids today is better than ever, but if you want that reality, you have to be fully tuned into your child, number 1, and then also understand the protocols. To understand the protocols, she needs to be reading in places like this, as you are.

I don't know the conversations you've already had with her, but I think I would start by asking questions:
- What makes you believe he is ready for this step?
- How much of your reasoning is coming from fear, versus believing he really is ready?
- Do you really believe you can make progress this way?
- How do you feel about seeing him meltdown in frustration?
- Do you trust ME (as in you) and my ability to understand our son?
- What could I (as in you) to support you so that you can take the most effective paths?

And, of course, these conversations have to occur outside of the situation.

All that said, there are going to be times that making progress will require pushing beyond the comfort zone and, as a result, there will be meltdowns. You can't use an increase in meltdowns to always say a method isn't appropriate; hard work is always stressful, and stress leads to meltdowns. That is why you can't do it without really knowing your child and what they are capable of; everyone has to trust that despite the short term pain, the goal is worth it and will happen.

Good luck. It is very frustrating when one's partner can't get onto the same page.

It sounds like your wife is trying to treat him as if he were an NT kid, by making him speak if he wants something very badly, but this doesn't work. I have seen videos time and time again of NT parents trying to force their autistic children to speak and it all ends in frustration and the child feeling horribly inadequate that he can't communicate "the right way". I know that even being an adult- I lack the ability to say certain things and when people push me I feel even more angry and depressed. However, I think I speak for most when I say that I become most expressive when people are not forcing me to.

Also, I would advise you to lay off the cookies unless they are gluten-free. This is just my personal opinion, but whenever I used to eat something with gluten- I would get horribly emotional and my autistic tendencies would come out to the MAX.