18 yo daughter in unhealthy relationship

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Hi all. I am new. I am writing because my daughter is in a tumultuous relationship. I can't rescue her from it - she is an adult. Plus I tried that - it failed miserably.

But there are specific issues I struggle to communicate with her - gas-lighting, misogyny, the fact you can not polish a turd!!

Its not a physically abusive relationship but a crapload of gaslighting goes on. I can't get her to acknowledge the concept. She already struggles to keep her emotional bearings in the world and in a relationship - without the addition of this gaslighting, which makes her feel like shes going crazy and what she thinks happened didn't really happen.

He (her bf) is also very misogynistic, and controls who she can and cant speak to, she has to get his blessing to go anywhere, and if she goes, he often ruins it by reneging on his agreement that she go. Because she is taking her lead on how a relationship should be, from him, she thinks this is somewhat normal or at least is their normal because their particular relationship is just that 'intense' (if that makes sense). 'young love' - the abusive control freak version.

The 'good' part about their relationship is that she finally has someone she feels she can be totally herself with. But that relief has bound her to him so much that she can't face losing him.

I blame him squarely for the things he is responsible for. Eg calling her names, being a misogynist - thinking she is a s*&t if she dresses anything other than nun-like, thinking she is a s&^t if she wants to go out to parties or go away to visit family, thinking she is a s&^t because she would like to travel one day! He has actually used the saying 'you can't turn a ho into a housewife' to her (I had never heard this before). My girl is a very down to earth person, not a party animal, rarely gets the chance to go out, is certainly not of 'bad character'. Not that his attitude would ever be OK but it simply is disgusting to even try to apply it to her - but he does. He isolates her and even though she has never managed friendships all that well, he prevents them.

But. She realises this is wrong. And wont leave. This part, is her responsibility. She is desperate for him not to be who he clearly is. She is absolutely resolutely stuck that this relationship must work, no matter how much it destroys her. 2 full years of this crap and counting. Same thing over and over. Will she ever realise? I mean realise AND find the strength to walk away. I know there is nothing Autism specific about someone being foolhardy enough to stay way too long in a bad relationship. But I do believe that her autism makes breaking up with him harder. It is also harder to communicate effectively what is going on.

Also concepts like gaslighting are really hard to explain. Especially because once it starts to 'hurt' (the things I try to explain start to make her feel bad) she shuts down completely and will absolutely not hear anything or speak/look etc. for 21 months I have been trying to get her to listen to or read about just one topic: a website that in brief, states what red flags are, in relationships. She refuses. It hurts too much to read it. It doesn't suit her strong desire that this relationship work.

Meanwhile. My daughter and her bf are miserable, hysterical, wasting their youth caught in a fight. My family and his family are miserable watching and getting caught up in the crossfire..

Any advice? Especially any resources for ASD youth and intimate relationships, or abuse?

I had to look up gaslighting. I had not heard that term before despite actually having a lot of experience with mental abuse issues.

Would you be able to get her to meet with a counselor that specializes in abuse issues, who might be able (a) to help her see the destructive patterns better and (b) help her figure out how to get out of the relationship? A disinterested 3rd party is usually the one most likely to be heard in a situation like this.

I spent 7 years with a friend trying to get her to leave her abusive husband. 7 years. She intellectually understood how it was destroying her, but she was afraid. These men know how to push every button that gets their victims broken and fully dependent on them. He isn't letting her be herself; he is letting her act in ways that allow him to continue to control her.

No one can fix their abuser or an abusive relationship; the dynamic gets too toxic.

Anything that slowly kills off pieces of you is abuse. I've found that describing it that way resonates with a lot of people in those situations, as when they think about it they can see how much of themselves they have lost. Getting someone to put that name, "abuse," on the actions of their partner is key to helping them start to consider how to break free.

The relationship is more than unhealthy; it is toxic and abusive. She needs to get out before it destroys her. I just wish I knew how to make that happen, but I don't. You have to be very, very gentle feeding her the information and getting her to understand the dynamic. You have to recognize that she loves the person while noting that love is not enough to turn a toxic relationship into one that has a future. You have to recognize how much he will turn every effort you make against you, instead of against him. And you have to recognize how dangerous it will be when she tries to break it off. She will need you and a lot of expert support. No matter how long it takes, never give up on her.

I am so sorry to hear about the terrible situation your daughter is in. It mus be agonizing for you.
DW's suggestions seem very wise, as usual.
I wish that I could help in some way, but all I can do is to commiserate.
I hope things go unexpectedly well and your daughter finds a way out of this terrible trap sooner rather than later.

I don't think there is anything you can do. You can't tell her that he is abusing her and tell her how you really feel about the man or else she will sneak around and possibly cut you from her life and you never hear from her again.

I have been in two bad relationships and ironically one of them was also ASD but I didn't realize he was abusive. There was no name calling, no stuff getting broken or thrown, no hitting, no threats so I didn't know. But there was a control issue and he never told me what I could and couldn't do and didn't stop me from doing things but he made me feel I couldn't do them and made me feel I had to do it. I had no idea this was a form of control and I thought I was crazy for feeling he was trying to control me. I am sure he was manipulative too because often felt I had to carry a tape recorder around because I couldn't recall I said this or that and I swore he said this or that and now he was saying he didn't. I thought my memory was so bad so I was doubting myself and I had no clue this was what manipulators do. Then there was the humiliation I didn't know about. He always had to tell his son everything I said and did as if everything was his kid's business and I had no clue this was a form of abuse and this is something an abuser does to humiliate you. I feel so angry about not knowing this and i was pretty upset that I had to find this out years later thanks to reading about abusive relationships. But good thing he did cut me from his life and went silent on me. Do I want to be friends with this person? I recently found out he is a she now and I was on her facebook page and she wote how lonely she is and she seemed to be a changed person now but I am not so sure. I thought about sending her a message but decided not to because of the things she did when we were together and what if she hadn't changed and she is just a hypocrite like she was last time and she isn't even aware of herself. Some people are not able to see themselves and realize. The way she treated me and how judgmental and closed minded she was makes me think that was why her ex cheated on her and why she was playing games in court and why she wanted to keep their son away from her and why she finally left him and didn't want her daughters near him. I wouldn't want my kid with him either and I can understand why some women don't tell their ex's that they are pregnant with their child so the man lives on not knowing he has a child and the kid grows up not knowing who their father is. Those women would dare to not ask for child support if they don't want the man in their lives or want them near their child. She seemed nice when we met and you wouldn't be able to tell but my parents took dislike in her when she said to them I wasn't very smart and then said they dumbed down my work in school and pointed out I was in special ed. when my mom told her I was very smart. But she was in special ed too as a child and she also had academic problems so hypocrite much. She also wasn't a good reader or speller and I never thought she was dumb for it. But I do think she wasn't streetsmart. She had good knowledge about how to fix cars and knew her routes well around the city and had a very good sense of direction and had a GPS in her head but she was very willfully ignorant and closed minded and was streetstupid because of stuff she did. Just stuff she did in our relationship was hurtful and I haven't forgiven her for it and I decided I am not going to give her my time and so sorry if she is lonely and is suffering multiple scoliosis and has lost everything and has to live with her father now and can no longer work. Part of me calls it karma because she was so judgmental about the homeless and saying how they should all go to jail for being homeless and called me self centered when I told her why people are homeless because I had to be right. She also was a homophobic and now she wants people to accept her as trans and bi. that's why it all droves me crazy because of the irony, the hypocrisy. I find it funny and sad and feel betrayed at the same time. My husband told me she was just compensating and she took it too far. I think she took it out on me and I think part of the problem was she was trans and hadn't come out yet and she was saying then you are not a woman if you get a sex change and you are not a guy if you get a sex change. I can try and forgive her because I know she had low self esteem and had lot of envy and she was jealous and I could tell back then too. I would like to think she went silent on me because she felt so guilty how she treated me and how right I had been all along and she hated that and I would like to think she messaged me seven months later after she had been silent on me to find out if I was single and I wasn't so I never heard from her again and she had realized she screwed up. Wait, that is a lie she messaged me on here after I got a new boyfriend (my husband) and told me she hoped things go well with me and then she messaged me on IM around November 23rd after it had been about three months when I last heard from her. My husband thought I should send her a message online but I refuse to because of the hurtful things she's done and I worry what if it's just an illusion I am seeing and she is still the same person. I don't want to be hurt again.

Hopefully your daughter will get smart and leave him and hopefully he lets her leave.

Nothing you can do right now. Wait and be supportive (to her), don't argue with her over him.

Funny - my son got sucked into a gaslighting situation when he tried to responsibly solve a conflict with his friends - and I remember it happening to me as a teen. I think people with a social disability are particularly vulnerable to this behavior.

That said, you said your daughter knows that what this person is doing is wrong, and I think that is a real positive. While I normally agree with DW entirely, I'm not sure that taking her to a counselor is a good idea - although it might be helpful for YOU to get professional support (call the local women's shelter for a referral and explain just what you explained here.)

You're in a bit of a scylla/charibdis situation: Boyfriend is making this work by framing your daughter as inept and unable to take care of herself. If you step in to try to take care of her...you are feeding into the boyfriend's premise and making his argument stronger. She's an adult for better or worse, and should be approached as one.

I highly, highly reccomend the blog Scarleteen - they actually have a post that spells out abuse in several forms, including a pretty direct description of what's happening to your daughter under "emotional abuse." http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... nd_assault It may help her to see it in print. Scarleteen also recommends this personal safety app http://www.circleof6app.com/ - you might gently suggest that it is appropriate to use even in a situation where he's just making her feel bad.

I think the biggest thing you can do for your daughter (aside from getting a professional opinion on how to best help her) is constantly validate that she is a capable young woman, you can see that she knows she deserves better, and that you will be there for her in whatever way she needs. I also think it's important that you continue to be a sounding board, and help her frame this boy's behavior for what it is instead of candy-coating it. I would be careful not to nag her about what direct actions to take, but let her know instead that you are ready to support any action that keeps her safe both emotionally and physically.

Does she have other friends right now? Do you have contact with them?

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful input. Everyone has basically said what I was thinking. That I just need to be a cautious support person. I have to be very careful saying anything negative about her bf or she will clam up and will avoid telling me whats going on in case I judge. She often blames herself for being emotional and getting upset at his behaviour - like it is her fault things don't go well. Argh so frustrating. And I agree people with Autism are particularly susceptible to Gas-lighting. Its too easy for people to manipulate..

I do urge you to get help for yourself, though: we're just a bunch of people on the internet - there are people who specialize in this stuff and who probably have more specific advice.

I think supporting your daughter while being honest about the relationship is the best way to go about it.

I'm autistic and getting into a relationship is a sought after experience, but one that's very difficult to get into and maintain. It's been nearly five years since my longterm relationship of 2.5 years ended and I'm still single. Relationship wise I feel very incompatible with a lot of people, and I know (like the previous relationship) I will probably have a myriad of issues in my next relationship because I've spent so much of my life being single and have had a lot less experience compared to most people my age. The point is with all the issues that come with ASD, I will probably try and justify just about anything to make a relationship work. In hindsight that's what I learned about my last one.

I think even though you want to tell her what you see, it's too upsetting, but also too confusing. So rather than talking directly about the complicated manipulative patterns you're seeing, would she let you give her some straightforward advice, maybe what you think might be a sensible response if he's calling her names? I'm just saying this because you said she won't separate from him right now. And she's not seeing him as you do, but right now, even if she did I think she might be lost what to do about it, and I think even if she gets away from him, helping her practice what to do when someone bullies her can help her so much in the future. Because it hurts too much to see it when you have no tools to respond to it.

I wanted to thank momsparky for the link to the advice about abuse in relationships. If I can get my daughter to read it, it is very straight forward and I think she may well see how her relationship fits the pattern.

Also I wanted to say to a previous poster (sorry I have forgotten your forum name) that yes my daughter feels like you - it was so hard to find a compatible partner that she could be her self with, that now she has opened up and shared her true self with him, she feels its her one chance. She cant imagine being able to find another.

Not being able to count on finding someone else is part of it. The other part is you get used to people acting annoyed by your existence and it seems normal because it is normal. At least I do that. And it becomes a vicious cycle because by not objecting, one adds credibility to the mistreatment.

It takes brave, kind people to break this cycle and the only way it's broken IMO is not by asking she, the victim trying as hard as she can do more, it's broken by supporting what she does right and giving her specific concrete advice on responses she is ok with to mean behavior by others.

I don't know that I'm saying this right, but years of being treated as a social pariah not only can make you hungry for what you can get, it also teaches you you're not worth people including and treating decently. And we don't just learn from our parents we learn from teachers and peers too. I find this really sad, but it isn't going to be solved I don't think by teaching her about abuse NT style. She's probably used to a lot of put downs that she's had to learn to accept. She can't just flip that off because this time it's a boyfriend.

I didn't know what gaslighting was either.

You have received a lot of good feeback.

I do want to add my own perspective. I have had numerous unhealthy relationships. When I was younger (your daughter's age and a little older), I never told my parents anything, because I felt that all they would do is judge me. Now that I am older and looking back, I know they wouldn't have been judging me, just concerned about me and not wanting me to suffer the consequences of making mistakes. But at that age and at that time, it only felt like judgment. So I withheld a lot from them.

The point I am trying to get to, is just be there and support her. Lots of people, on and off the spectrum, make really foolish relationship choices when they are at that age. Sometimes I feel like people need to make a few bad choices to learn how to make the right ones. But as long as she has you to come to, and as long as she feels free to come to you without judgment, at least she will have somewhere to go when she realizes she made a bad choice and needs to get out. I found myself realizing I made a bad choice, but having no where to go. And I didn't know how to "unmake" the choice. Granted, I eventually figured it all out, but I think I would have been better off with support.

As a parent, it is hard to watch your kid making a mistake. I do not know if it is harder for those of us with kids on the spectrum, because I do not have an NT kid to watch making a mistake, but I imagine it is harder for us. But the truth is, our kids have the same right to self-determination as anyone else. They have the right to make choices for themselves. Common sense reminds us that not all of them will be wise choices; they are not old and experienced enough to have gained wisdom yet. I think the best thing we can do sometimes is to continue to be their safety net, so when they fall, they do not need to crash. We are there to catch and help them get back up and try again.

Thanks again!
OK she is finally out of the relationship..
Now I can worry about her partying too hard as she has fallen into a social group (finally).
But I just keep thinking "anything, and anyone, but that guy".
Phew!

Glad to hear she is out of it!!

I was in a very toxic relationship for 17 years and did not know that it was domestic violence (no hitting but gas-lightning, manipulation, lying etc.).

I think that we are more prone to get into these relationships (as also stated above) because we are more blind to normal behavior and we tend to belie what people tell us, especially if we trust them.

But, I also think that we get out much wiser and maybe even easier than NTs. When I found out (after he left with the mistress) I read a lot abut psychopaths, narcissists, sociopaths and borderliners (some borderliners not all, apparently it is sort of a all inclusive diagnosis). I see people that are stuck forever in these relationships, even though they know what is going on. I would never go back or end up in the same s**t again. I am a lot more analytic in my approach and have the intelligence to survive in the battles with my ex (we have children). I am still broken in many ways and will probably never heal truly (have psychological and psychical things that will probably never go avay) but I have learned a lot and found myself a new boyfriend with a healthy personality (and quite a number of introvert/weird quirks )

If you,or anybody else wants to know more read about
Red flags (should be taught in school!)
Sam Vaknin who is a narcissist with a youtube channel
google narcissit or psycopath and lots of good pages will pop up.

Keep a room ready for her at your house, if that's possible. Let her know that it's there, and she can come anytime and stay for as long as she needs/wants to stay. Let her know you will do everything in your power to keep her safe and support her when she's ready to leave him.