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Royalewithcheese
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09 May 2015, 7:57 pm

Apologies in advance for the length of this post, but my family's at crisis level.

My son was diagnosed at age 4 with ASD, most likely Aspergers. We struggled with a difficult infancy, toddlerhood and preschool situation due to his meltdowns when overstimulated and/overwhelmed. When he entered Kindergarten I placed him in a small, supportive K-8 school. In the middle of Kindergarten he was assigned a one-on-one aide to help him with his meltdowns and tendency towards extreme frustration. His academics have always been very strong but he's had an aide ever since, and we are now approaching 8th grade graduation. When he was in 4th grade he had an amazing aide, a fantastic teacher, and a few friends. Starting in 5th grade, 3 straight years of upheavals due to teacher changes for various reasons affected all the kids. His graduating class has dwindled down to half its size (now 12) and he has one semi-friend who gets him and defends him against the others.
Last week my son was working on a project in art class when he overheard 5 boys at the next table making fun of teachers. This really gets to him. He's a big believer in respect and rules. He unfortunately inserted himself into the conversation and started yelling at the kids. The boys then proceeded to mimic and mock my son. He lost it and yelled "If you make fun of me again, I'll get you!" One of the boys challenged "What are you going to do?" My son responded "Oh, you have no idea what I'm going to do!" He was then taken out of the classroom by his aide. The boy who challenged my son went to the office in tears and was taken home for the day by his mother, who works at the school. I heard about this after school that day and put him on restriction from electronics in a desperate attempt to teach him that he cannot threaten people. I sent an email to the principal letting him know I was aware of the situation and was punishing him. The next day my son went to school and I was called by the principal at 10:30, letting me know that they were suspending my son for the day due to the threat. This was on Thursday. I kept him out on Friday as well because I couldn't send him back into that hostile environment. He has claimed fervently for several years that he hates these kids. He's not alone, truthfully. Most of the teachers can't stand those kids.
My question (finally) is: what do I do? They told me my son needs outside help, which I will find, but they strongly hinted that he needs medication. I'm not opposed per se, but my husband is. Has anyone here had any luck with vitamins/supplements for mood/behavior issues? I told the principal that it seemed like the other kids were baiting my son but he didn't seem to have any reaction to that beyond nodding. Do I push for the other kids to be reprimanded? They're very aware of his issues. I would just like to add that this kid is an absolute dream at home. He's respectful, intelligent, and knee-slappingly hilarious.
Help! Any input is appreciated.



Royalewithcheese
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09 May 2015, 9:49 pm

Sorry! I tried to be as brief as possible on that post but felt I should mention that, when he talked to the school psychologist, he told her he was always on edge and always worried that he'd lose control and hurt someone. When she asked him in what way he wanted to hurt people, he said "punching them."



InThisTogether
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09 May 2015, 9:49 pm

Welcome to WP!

Very short on time. (Once you are here awhile, you will recognize my posts because they are usually ridiculously long).

If the kids are baiting him, it is a form of bullying. My son (also about to graduate 8th grade) had a similar situation last year. A group of boys were deliberately forcing my son and his friend to lose it and then drawing attention to it so everyone saw. We are lucky in that our school district recognizes this as a form of bullying and they put a stop to it right away. If I were in your shoes, I would inform the school that while you do understand the importance of your son not threatening other students under any circumstances, you also consider the behavior on the part of the other kids to be bullying and that you fully expect that the school will protect him from further incidents. Then I would ask them to put in writing how they plan on protecting your son. FWIW, I am a person who uses the term bullying very sparingly. But what is happening here is one of the worst kinds of bullying, IMHO.

Out of curiosity if you feel safe sharing...do you feel your son is capable of carrying out on his threats, or are they more threats because he did not know what else to say/do? I ask because I would handle the situation differently depending upon what I felt the real risks were.


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Royalewithcheese
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09 May 2015, 10:50 pm

Thanks so much for the advice! It sounds like we're on the same page as far as the school situation.

As far as his capacity for violence goes, he had a time last year when he was in a very stressful classroom situation and he did some self-harming (biting his arms and pulling his hair). He's never been violent with anyone else but I think even he isn't feeling safe about what he might do if pushed enough.



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11 May 2015, 11:03 am

+1 what InThisTogether said.

My son has also experienced this "baiting" form of bullying. The boys are getting exactly the response from your son that they want, and then crying foul and pretending to be victims. You absolutely should follow InThisTogether's advice. Schools have certain magic words to which they are legally obligated to respond, and in most places "bullying" is one of those words.



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17 May 2015, 9:40 pm

Can you help your son brainstorm what to do in situations like this so he won't get into trouble.

(Honestly, I think the school overreacted for his punishment. But nonetheless, it is something he should learn to control.)

But inhibiting a bad response is only part of the solution. If that's all you ever do, you might never be successful at eliminating it. He also needs to know what *to* do. Because those kids will get on his nerves again. He needs to have a solid action plan.


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17 May 2015, 10:00 pm

If he has an IEP, I would put this back on them to figure out how THEY are going to support him. If he has been suspended, it would be appropriate for them to come up with a new behavior plan (Proactive strategies emphasized!) for this new behavior.



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26 May 2015, 4:28 am

Royalewithcheese wrote:
Apologies in advance for the length of this post, but my family's at crisis level.

My son was diagnosed at age 4 with ASD, most likely Aspergers. We struggled with a difficult infancy, toddlerhood and preschool situation due to his meltdowns when overstimulated and/overwhelmed. When he entered Kindergarten I placed him in a small, supportive K-8 school. In the middle of Kindergarten he was assigned a one-on-one aide to help him with his meltdowns and tendency towards extreme frustration. His academics have always been very strong but he's had an aide ever since, and we are now approaching 8th grade graduation. When he was in 4th grade he had an amazing aide, a fantastic teacher, and a few friends. Starting in 5th grade, 3 straight years of upheavals due to teacher changes for various reasons affected all the kids. His graduating class has dwindled down to half its size (now 12) and he has one semi-friend who gets him and defends him against the others.
Last week my son was working on a project in art class when he overheard 5 boys at the next table making fun of teachers. This really gets to him. He's a big believer in respect and rules. He unfortunately inserted himself into the conversation and started yelling at the kids. The boys then proceeded to mimic and mock my son. He lost it and yelled "If you make fun of me again, I'll get you!" One of the boys challenged "What are you going to do?" My son responded "Oh, you have no idea what I'm going to do!" He was then taken out of the classroom by his aide. The boy who challenged my son went to the office in tears and was taken home for the day by his mother, who works at the school. I heard about this after school that day and put him on restriction from electronics in a desperate attempt to teach him that he cannot threaten people. I sent an email to the principal letting him know I was aware of the situation and was punishing him. The next day my son went to school and I was called by the principal at 10:30, letting me know that they were suspending my son for the day due to the threat. This was on Thursday. I kept him out on Friday as well because I couldn't send him back into that hostile environment. He has claimed fervently for several years that he hates these kids. He's not alone, truthfully. Most of the teachers can't stand those kids.
My question (finally) is: what do I do? They told me my son needs outside help, which I will find, but they strongly hinted that he needs medication. I'm not opposed per se, but my husband is. Has anyone here had any luck with vitamins/supplements for mood/behavior issues? I told the principal that it seemed like the other kids were baiting my son but he didn't seem to have any reaction to that beyond nodding. Do I push for the other kids to be reprimanded? They're very aware of his issues. I would just like to add that this kid is an absolute dream at home. He's respectful, intelligent, and knee-slappingly hilarious.
Help! Any input is appreciated.


As he is a rule follower, you should point out that he broke the rules. But this begs the question, why did he just not follow the rules and go to his aide or the teacher when a problem arose? Is the school environment such they discourage this or have turned a blind eye to him in the past?