Dealing with the EX (2 kids)

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Not sure where to post, but I think this may be the best spot.

Let me be clear, I HATE my ex (NT, she was very abusive and manipulative), I try to minimize our interaction as much as I can, but this can be difficult as we have two kids together.

It is my oldest sons (5) birthday soon, and she is throwing a party for him, which I was invited to. To which I am attending, I want to be there for my son, but I am worried this sends the wrong message... Playing happy families? Not just the message it sends my son, but my GF.

When I think about it, I don't imagine split up marriages, having a joint event for kids, more an each to there own arrangement. She also delays the divorce even though she is in a relationship and pregnant.

What is typical?

This would be a totally normal thing to do where I live. I think it sends a better message to your child that you can show up to important events for your child and act civil with each other than not going and doing two separate events. Lots of separated or divorced couples do this. Some separated parents I know each do their own separate birthday event, but both parents go to both. You do not have to engage too much with your ex, just say hello and be polite- but you don't have to interact with her any more than necessary. It shouldn't send the wrong message to your girlfriend. You are not attending for your ex's benefit, you are doing it for your child. Your girlfriend will see that you care enough to show up for your child despite the difficult relationship you have with your ex. Can you bring the girlfriend? If you are worried that your ex might be manipulative/ abusive or that you will feel very awkward there, it would be nice to have your girlfriend with you for support.

The GF doesn't want to go, she knows what happened and doesn't think she would do well being face to face with her knowing what she has put be me through. My father and sister are going, but I believe they were only invited so my sister would make the cake, and my dad would bring fairy bread and salad, and I know for a fact once I get there I will be put in charge of something to make her life easier.

I'm really on the fence with this one, so I will take the opposite side, just for the hell of it.

Surely, we are now 2 families now and not 1?

How will my son understand when he has a new sibling (she is pregnant, and its not mine 100%), and I don't attending things for his brother / sister?

Am I not teaching my son it is ok for someone to hurt you and treat you like crap? and just go on helping them?

As for support, my sister is a gem, she would not let any harm come to me, we had our rocky times as kids, but as adults we always have each others backs. (when I can see hers needs defending)

Yes, it's typical to do that. If you can't get along one day of the year for a few hours for your child's sake, then there's a serious problem. But if you don't think you will be able to, I think it would be better for you not to go, since you two don't want to ruin your child's party by making it about adult issues.

Yes, you will most likely be asked to help. Adults who attend children's birthday parties usually are...especially when they are the birthday child's father...
It's not like you'd be helping organise her wedding. You'd be helping make YOUR SON'S birthday a good one.



This concerns me a bit. It is absolutely not your job to teach your child that his mother is a horrible person. What his mother did to you is an adult issue and not one that a 5 year old needs to know anything about. If it was severe enough that it warrants you to fear for your son's safety in her care, you should go through the right legal channels to have him removed from her custody. If it is not (which is what it sounds like from this post), then this issue does not effect your child at all. It is your job to show your son that you respect his mother because he is his mother. His mother, whether you like her or not, is going to play a large part of who HE is, so if you let your son know much you hate her, it will reflect back on to him (as he is related to her).


You are separated from your son's mother, but he is not. This party is about your son, not about you or your ex. Since it's about your son, the idea of a joint party is that all of the people who love and care about him come to one place and celebrate him. They aren't all gathering because they all love each other - they are gathering because they all love him.


His brother/sister has a different father. That's not that difficult to understand. Hopefully his mother will explain this to him. You might want to ask your ex how she plans to approach this so you are on the same page.

*I changed the order of some of those snippet quote things just because it made more sense for my response. They were stand-alone quotes though.

WelcomeToHolland, You have given me a lot to think about, and like I stated, I am on the fence I am merely taking a debate like approach to get opposite views so I can best make a decision but I agree with a lot of what you said.

and just to be clear, I never say a bad word about there mother in front of them. It is there decision to make when thy are old enough, even when he tells me he doesn't like her or she is always angry at him, I try to reassure him everything is ok and she loves him. He always says he misses me so much, and why can't he live with me and balls his eyes out when it is time to go "home" but any alternative is worse.

Living with his mother sounds like it's really bad for him.

You might learn him that " being loved " means: that someone is (always) angry at him.
If that is what he experiences and you call it love.

Being separated and getting a divorce shows that you don't have to put up with endless crap.

If she's being emotionally abusive, sue for custody. If she isn't, let it be and let your son have a relationship with his mother.

He's 5...he might cry having to leave...it doesn't automatically mean he hates every second with her. Lots of kids that age still cry when they have to go to school...it doesn't mean every second of school is pure torture.

She's throwing a birthday party for your son, it makes sense to invite his father. Period.

Honestly, I would go. I don't think it sends bad messages to your son. I think not being there, when invited, has more of a potential to show a bad message.

That's good. Just because he cries doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't like being with his mother. He may wish he could live with both of you- he says he wants to live with you since the other half of "living with both of you" doesn't need to be stated since he already does live with his mother if you know what I mean (that was a confusing sentence). I know it's hard though, sorry.