In denial about daughter?

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My daughter is 4 years old. She developed physically as normal and I didn't have too many concerns about her until she was about 2 years old when her sleep pattern went out of whack. The nighttime battle to get her to bed is immense, then she wakes several times in the night and very early in the morning. Her routine has to be that I tuck her in, say goodnight, love you. If I don't do it exactly that way or miss one thing out she will cry and I have to do it again.

She has tantrums in the extreme, these can go on from 20 mins to almost two hours. These happen throughout the day up to a dozen times. She will make a repetitive monotonous noise during her meltdowns instead of proper crying, she either bangs herself over and over again against the floor, wall or banisters. Once she begins her meltdown, it's like she cannot stop, even if you offer the very thing that has triggered it in the first place, it is like she cannot stop herself and she won't stop until it has run its course.

She asks for a cuddle whenever she is angry, upset or gets chastised but this seems to be less for the usual comfort and more because she expects it as part of her routine. I literally have to hug her 100 times a day!

She gets offended and upset at the slightest thing. It can be a wrong word, someone looking at her when she doesn't want them to, someone won't play with her, being accused of doing something she thinks isn't true, not having the right TV show on etc.

She has no sense of danger. She is quick to trust strangers. She gives a pasted on smile when she is uncomfortable that others think means she's happy but I know she is uneasy.

She will shutdown in public if she is angry or upset. Just today I told her off and she dropped into a hunched position on the ground in front of all these people and wouldn't move. It took me fifteen mins to cajole her out of it. On two occasions I can recall when my family were visiting, they upset her in some way, I can't remember but some slight was said she took exception to and she stood facing the cupboard in the kitchen for the rest of their time here without moving or saying a word; the other time, she lay on the sofa not moving or talking until they left. Both times my family commented it was like she was dead.

She has to constantly know the times things are going to happen. Asking over and over again when something is going to happen. I have to be exact, I cannot say 'in a minute' or 'in a little bit' because she will count down or ask how long is that? She has her set routine for the day, if I don't do an activity when she expects it, it will trigger a meltdown.

She has her favourite cup. She won't drink out of anything else and won't allow her siblings to use it. The same goes for her dinner plate and cutlery.

She wants to play with her siblings but is highly controlling and the fun often quickly turns to tears and shouting when someone doesn't follow her way of doing things, especially with my daughter only a year younger.

She hasn't attended nursery because she refused to go, she didn't want to be separated from me.

She wasn't potty trained during the day until approximately 3 1/2yo.

My husband thinks there is something wrong. I already have one diagnosed ASD son and another I strongly suspect is also. Surely I can't have another one? I don't mean that to sound offensive but it seems such a lot in one family. Is that common, to have multiple children on the spectrum in one family?

I am concerned about being branded a neurotic mother who is simply looking to get her children diagnosed for no reason.

While I'm certainly not qualified to diagnose autism in person, let alone over the internet, your daughter has many similarities to mine when she was that age, and she has autism. I also have a son who is on the spectrum. I do not think it is uncommon to have more than one kid on the spectrum. I imagine if I would have had a third, he or she may have been on the spectrum, too.

How old are your sons? Do either of them receive services by someone who may have had opportunity to interact with your daughter? My daughter (younger by 4 years) was diagnosed before my son, and her therapists helped me see that he also had spectrummy issues.

Keep in mind, too, that the spectrum is very broad, so your daughter could look quite different than your son(s), but still be somewhere on the spectrum. Then there is also the concept of "shadow syndrome" which applies to people who are not "diagnosably" on the spectrum, but not neurotypical either (like me). It is possible your daughter or your son could also fall somewhere in that range.

Regardless, I think the important thing to realize is that your kids are not likely neurotypically wired, no matter what letters get attached to them (ASD, NLD, ADHD, etc). From my perspective, all this really means is that you will have to employ more detective work as they grow up to help them figure out how to successfully navigate in an NT-centric world. It doesn't mean they can't be successful. It just means their road and their vision of success may just be different. I know you were not saying that you don't think your kids will be successful or anything like that. My main point is it may not matter what any of their diagnoses are, except to get them help when needed (in school) and to help remind the adults in their lives remember that what "usually works" might not, and you just have to keep trying until you figure out what will work.

You don't have to answer this if you are not comfortable, but do you suspect either you or your husband are on the spectrum? Many of us only found out about our own atypical wiring after our kids were diagnosed. Now I can see it going back generations in my family to varying degrees.

I can't diagnose her either but it sounds like it might be worth getting her tested.

I remember asking the man who was in the diagnosis appointment if there was a genetic factor involved with autism and he was very reluctant to say yes, he said it was 'possible' but perhaps he didn't want to make me feel like either of us were to blame. I also asked if it meant I could have more ASD children, as at the time I already had my other son under the Paediatrician for my concerns about him but again, he wouldn't commit himself.

I watched a programme once where one family had 6 children all autistic but I assumed this was a rarity not the norm.

They really don't like to parse the genetics for most conditions, unless you go to a neonatal specialist---and then that is a big part of what they do. It may be because it is not their specialty, the blame thing you mentioned, and also to avoid, "But, we don't have any of this in our families."

I don't know if this is relevant to this thread or not, but I wanted to offer it anyway...

I do not feel "guilty" that it is likely my genes that "made" my kids "the way they are." I don't think I have anything to feel guilty about. If it were not for me (and my genes), my children would not exist. They deserve to exist and belong in this world, regardless of their/my struggles.

When I was younger, the pain of not being "the same" sometimes was almost too much to bear. I am grateful that I have learned to let go of my desire to be "just like everyone else" and instead to embrace the things that make me uniquely me and in some regards "better" than average. I am trying to instill this in my kids from the beginning, so that hopefully if they hit a point where it really becomes painful, they will have enough...inner strength... to get through it. Nobody built that strength in me. No one told me it was OK to be different. No one told me that it wasn't all in my head...I WAS different...and it was OK. No one told me these things because my parents had no idea. Concepts like neurodiversity did not exist when I was a kid. Either you were "normal" or you were not. And like many parents, mine simply believed I was some variant of "normal" because I certainly didn't fit into any kind of known "abnormal." Our kids have advantages that many of us did not. They have parents who are equipped to better parent them because we have more knowledge and understanding.