Helping my kid feel comfortable about switching schools

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Hi all,

I tried all year to find my kid a spot in a school for kids on the spectrum, and he was finally offered a spot in one of the public school programs. The class size is smaller, and one third of the class is on the autism spectrum. This particular program, all of the spectrum kids are verbal and at, or above grade level. He visited the class he will be joining, and he loved it. He made friends instantly. The kids were really nice and welcoming. The program is designed to help kids with all of the challenges my kid faces. Transitions, social interactions, sensory overload, emotional regulation, etc. It is perfect, except for the fact that my son does not want to change schools.

I think it is mostly because he does not want to make a major transition. He also has made one friend at his old school, and does not want to leave his friend. However, chances are, the kid would not be in his class anyway. In his old school, he was picked on so much that if a kid is now nice to him, he suspects that it is part of a plan to make him feel at ease so that they can carry out some elaborate plan to bully him. He was having several meltdowns/ breakdowns a day due to sensory overload, transitions, schedule changes, bullying. He does not do well there.

I spoke with his one friend's mom, and we agreed to get the kids together a lot even though my son is changing schools. I have also arranged some play dates with the kids in his new class.

He is still having a lot of anxiety and insists on staying in the old school. Any suggestions?

Thanks so much.

I don't think there is going to be very much you can do except just ride it out and let him get to the new school and see for himself that it's better. I don't think that most kids want to change schools and I know how much harder it is for autistic kids to deal with change, I was one myself. The only thing I can think of is to find something about the new school that would excite him. Maybe some kind of sports or activities they offer, or just anything that is different than the old school that would catch his interest. Have you taken him to see it? Maybe they would let you bring him in and ya'll have a look around and see where his classroom will be, the lunchroom, etc. I don't know how old he is, so I don't know what kind of specific things to suggest.

Also, is there any place or any kind of activity going on right now where some of the kids who would be in his class would be at? Maybe you could take him there and let him meet a couple of them if there is.

I'd really suggest looking at the extracirricular stuff and seeing if there is anything offered that he would be remotely interested in doing.

Another thing would be if they have different rules or dress codes or something like that. If the dress code lets him wear something the old school didn't, or if they allow something that the old school didn't allow you to do or to have at school, that might be something to interest him. Since he was bullied at the old school, maybe you could talk to him about the bullying rules at the new school and that might reassure him. Even if they are the same rules, maybe you could put it in a way that sounds like it's stricter or something, so that might relieve his anxiety about bullying.

Again, I don't know how old he is, but you could point out that this is a chance for a new start, a new image, he's not starting there with the same kids who didn't like him and who were mean to him before, etc. See if you can get him excited about learning little ways to make a good impression on his new classmates. Maybe he could change the style of clothes he's been wearing to something he's always liked but never really tried wearing yet (if he's old enough for that) or you could help him spend some time this summer learning about something that he thinks is interesting that other kids his age like as well but he's never had much interest in. This would not only take his mind off the anxiety about switching, it would give him something interesting to do over the summer. I have no clue what it would be, but whatever things are that boys his age where you live are interested in.

Another thing to do would be to point out that while he is switching schools and he may not be excited about that part of it, he's also going up a grade and a year older than last year, so maybe now is a good time to get him a video game that's another age rating level higher, if you do those rating things. That would make him feel a little more "grown up" and also give him something to get interested in and it would be a topic he could talk to the other kids about when school starts. If not a video game then if he's old enough and doesn't have one, maybe you could get him a cell phone. Depending on his age, a little cheap prepay one would be good and tell him he can't take it to school if thats what the rules say, but if he doesn't have one and is old enough, maybe that would excite him. I think something to make him feel older and more mature might do a little something to help out. What are some things he wants but can't have yet because of his age? Maybe one of those things could be your ticket to calming him down.

If all else fails, and I don't know how well this will go over with him because I don't know his age, but you could make a big deal out of shopping for school clothes and supplies. When I was a kid the boys weren't ever that excited about getting school clothes, it was only us girls who were. Nowdays boys are too. My boys were especially excited over shoes. Maybe spend a little more than you want to on some of those tennis shoes. It's ridiculous and it feels like you are just flushing money down the toilet when you do it, but sometimes it helps them get more into the idea of going.

Maybe you could even play up the age thing and get him a tablet or laptop or whatever thing like that he doesn't have already and could use this year and would really enjoy - depending on his age. Although my 5yo grand daughter has a tablet so I'm guessing they all can use one and want one, although they don't need it, so if he doesn't have something like that, then it might be a good idea. If he's riding the bus to and from school and he's old enough for this, maybe get him an ipod and open an itunes account that you put money on so he can dl some music to listen to on the bus.

I'm just guessing here, but maybe something like this will hit the right chord. Like I said, I don't know his age or where he is on the spectrum. I have AS but wasn't dx'd till middle age, and I had a horrible time in school. My four kids are NT except I think my youngest son who is 20 now has a mild case of AS but he's not at all interested in going to the dr to find out, he's hardcore about taking life as it comes. He is completely deaf in one ear from birth and absolutely will not get an implant - he said if his good ear goes then he will think about it that he's fine the way he is. It would be "too loud" if he got his ear fixed. So, he's stubborn, and I can actually see him having problems with switching schools like this even if he hated the one he had been going to, which he always has. I'm mainly think about ideas that would work for him.

That's all I can think of though, except one last thing and you really don't want to start this because it sets a bad precedent, and that's bribery. Gifts like I suggested before aren't bribery, but if you absolutely have to do this to make it go smoothly, then tell him if he will just go along with this and not make it more difficult than it already is then you will give him a certain amount of money. Maybe money for every good grade he gets or every week without some kind of incident, etc. It's not a good idea and once you start it they will want it for everything, but if nothing else works, this might. While it might not make him less anxious about the school, it would make him look forward to the money and be thinking about that and focused on that. Yes, you get the behavior you want for the wrong reasons, but if it gets the good behavior and meanwhile has the very important side effect of getting his focus on something other than worrying, it's worth it.

Good luck and let me know what you decide to do. I hope my ideas helped, that is all I can think of.

ETA; I completely blanked out on the part where you said he's met the kids and been to the class. Sorry about that, menopause hormones. It's happening with everything lately.

Thanks, OliveOilMom!

He is 8, and going to start third grade in September. He has, basically, Aspergers, but they don't use Aspergers as a diagnosis here anymore. So, he was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. He is verbal, and not cognitively behind. He does "stand out", though, as "different".

You have some great suggestions. He will be riding a bus. I think there is some rule in my state that kids are not allowed to bring phones to school, but I will check. If he can, I can get him a cheap phone that he can use to call or text me while on the bus. That might make him feel better. I also have a little music device I can give him, and can load it with music he likes. The dress code is the same, and he ONLY ever wears sweatpants . But, the kids in his new class had more knowledge of Minecraft than the kids in his old class, so I may make a thing of getting some cool Minecraft logo shirts for his new school, or a Minecraft backpack, etc. We are going to meet up with some of the kids in his new class.
You are probably right, though. We probably will just have to get through the transition, however ugly it is, before he accepts the new place.

I just remembered that at this school, they let the kids do all of their writing assignments about their special interest, which may also hold a lot of leverage. His old teachers kept trying to get him to choose a different topic.

My daughter has problems with transitions, even ones she recognizes will be good in the long run. When she is in the right mental "space" we work together to come up with a good pros and cons list for the current situation and the new situation. At first we talk about both pros and cons equally for both situations. I find that she has an easier time doing it if we get to talk both about the "good" things about now and the "bad" things about the change. Then I slowly start changing my emphasis so that we spend more time talking about the good things about the change and the bad things about now. We never completely abolish discussions about the bad about the new and the good about the old, but I do switch the emphasis. This usually works best when the change is far enough in the future to not be an immediate threat. By the time change is imminent, there isn't much I can do except to "force" her through it by acknowledging her feelings and encouraging her and just making sure she sticks with it. But the "positive" framework has been kind of wired into her brain, so it is easier to draw the good about the new and the bad about the old into consciousness. I think if we didn't establish the framework before she became overwhelmed by the transition, she would not be able to process any of it at all. I think it works kind of like positive affirmations. We have said it so many times that the thoughts arise with little effort, or sometimes no effort.

I also remind her that it isn't the new thing that is making her feel bad. It is the anticipation of the change. For her I can use the example that although she actually loves taking a shower, getting in the shower is an ordeal. For a long time, she thought she hated taking showers until we discovered that it's not the shower, its the transition, that she hates. Once we established that, she was able to rationalize that the actual transition is short, so she is more willing to just bear with it and get in the shower without the kicking and screaming that used to occur. Also, I find that acknowledging that I understand that the negative feelings she experiences as a result of entering the shower are absolutely real helps her. She really hates to just be told to "get it over with" or "suck it up." She knows that I understand that the discomfort she feels is 100% real, even though I do not experience it.

Another example I can use for her is how much she hates the end of the school year. Like any other kid, she actually enjoys summer. But the transition is so hard for her that sometimes she feels like she just wants to keep going to school (to totally avoid the transition), but logically she understands that she likes the summer break, and through linking it with the shower example, she can understand that once she gets "through" the transition, she will be happy again. I think finding those kinds of examples are key.

Good luck.

Keeping him distracted is good. It may take some time for him to adjust though, and staying calm and encouraging and not doubting yourself through that process may help some. Given what he went through at his old school, I'm wondering is this all resistance to change, or do you think he could have become unable to believe the new school will really be better?

Thanks InThisTogether,

That's helpful. I can also make a pro/ con list for him. And, I can help him realize that it's the "change" that he dislikes, not the new place. I know he felt more comfortable at the new school when he visited. He was so thrilled that the kids were nicer and seemed really interested in getting to know him.

Thanks Waterfalls,

I do think he does have some PTSD due to his experience with the kids in his old school. He is in constant defensive mode right now and assumes people laughing are laughing at him, even when it's completely unrelated. I will try to help him see that this is a positive change to a safer place.

Quick suggestion: when my son was having incredible anxiety about school and school refusal, I gave him a square of bubble wrap (someone here suggested it, it was so long ago I've forgotten who!) to pop in the car on the way over.

Some kind of fidget can be really important in the moment, and bubble wrap can be a good one.

We also have it in my son's IEP that he gets to preview classrooms and meet his teachers before the school year starts: is that possible? Sometimes having an idea of the physical part of the routine is a big help, so combining the visit with a social story about the new school routine? I don't know that you can meet the bus driver or get to see the bus...but anything you can do to get him access and help him wrap his brain about it before the social component is added, IMO, is helpful.

I know it especially helps my son when he knows something other kids don't (like, where his desk is in the classroom, etc.)

Thanks, momsparky! I will try bubble wrap.

The schools here are REALLY hush hush about who a kid's teacher/ class is. Usually, and unfortunately, they find out on the first day. I'm pretty sure there is no way he can preview the bus either, but I will ask about both of these things.

One of the mom's of a kid in this school's program put together a park meetup yesterday. I was working out of state, but my husband took him. There were just three other kids there, but my son had a GREAT time. He now is excited about switching schools. He says that all three of those kids are his "new BFFs", although did not get their names . There are two of these classes in the school, and the other parents there figured out that at least on of the three kids there will be in the same class as him. So, that was a great success. Unfortunately, not one of these kids was on the bus he will take. I plan on reaching out to the coordinator of the program to see if one the parents of the kids in my area (therefore will ride the same bus) would be willing to meet for a play date. That might get him more interested/ comfortable with the bus.

This is an autism program and they won't let autistic kids do a preview?

This is confusing to me b/c in our regular public schools here (when we were in them) we had zero problems getting an accommodation for this. I had it put in his IEP easy-peasy. He was even allowed to come more than once during the summer when he moved to the elementary campus, to acclimate, in addition to meeting his teacher the spring before and getting a special tour.

I would think an autistic program would have something like this as a standard thing---or at the very least be able to work something out.

I don't know 100% that they won't do a preview. Like I said, I could ask. However, this is not a standard thing. There is a FB group for the parents of the kids in this program at the school. The existing kids in the program were given numerical codes for the class they are going to be in next year. Not a room number or a teacher name, just a code. One of the moms asked me which code my son was given (he did not get one). The coordinator did tell me his teacher's names (which is not standard), but gave me no code. When I told this mom the teacher's names, she had no idea that they were even teaching third grade. It is pretty standard here (at least in my area of the city) to keep the kids/ families in the dark as much as possible. They do not automatically think to accommodate even the special needs programs. My son was in a different special ed program prior to this, and I have never heard of a child being allowed to preview the class, meet a teacher, or see their desk. They tend to do a lot of shifting classrooms/ teachers over the summer.

Like I said, maybe they would accommodate. He has never been in an autism program before. I have to ask. But, it does not seem to be the norm. I am not making it up.

Of course I believe you. I did not mean to offend. I was just incredulous that it would be set up that way. If there is a lot of flux than that would account for it. You can't get kids used to something, when you don't even know what that thing is.

I live in a sleepy little place and there is not a lot of teacher turnover so it did not occur to me that they would not know.

Mea Culpa

Thanks . I was not sure from your reply whether you were in disbelief of the system here, or of my words. No offense taken. Sorry.

Some things are great about living here. For example, it is much easier to get certain services here than other places because we have a lot of resources. However, it is much harder to get accommodations like meeting a teacher before school begins. Although, I do think the coordinator of the program would try to accommodate this if she possibly can. She has a lot of experience with kids with ASD.

Story of my life. A high-school student and he still comes home with "I don't know, he was the kid with the brown hair."