feeling sad about summer hols and sibling relationship

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I love both my diagnosed daughter and my NT son very much. But today is the first day of the summer holidays and my daughter has been so horrible to my lovely, kind son. My daughter has spent most of the day at the stables (which she loves, this is is her special interest). She came home tired and smacked her younger brother when he annoyed her. So I took her new phone off her as a punishment. Since then she has either laid on the floor and made crying sounds, or fought with her brother, or generally been a pain. We've ended with her breaking his toy and she is now crying in bed, while he claims that he prefers his toy broken. I can't believe we have seven whole sodding weeks of this. I know I can cope with it but I just feel very very sad right now.

That stinks. Maybe she is feeling overwhelmed by the change in routine from school to summer. I know that my son usually behaves horribly the first few weeks after school ends, because he has a lot of anxiety about changes in routine. There are things we do to help ease his anxiety and make the transition less stressful, but it's a work in progress. Is your daughter verbal? Could you brainstorm with her about ways to cope better? For instance, if her brother is being annoying, maybe she needs a space that her brother is not allowed to go, so she can get away and be alone (maybe you could give her brother a similar space too). If she feels the need to squish things or hit things, maybe there are more appropriate things for her to do that to, instead of her brother's stuff. Maybe it would also help to talk to her about how her behaviour could make her brother feel- maybe role reversal would help (e.g. how would you feel if he hit you and broke your things?).

There are a lot of 'maybes' in my post I know… anyway I hope you can find a way to make the summer be overall happy. Since this was only the first day, I'd say all hope is definitely not lost. Maybe it is (again with the word 'maybe'!), but I know that I usually feel happier if I am at least working on making it better/ doing something about it (whether my efforts actually work or not, haha).

Hello WelcometoHolland. She is verbal. We are having a house extended so I left them in the car while I talked to the builder (the site is dangerous). That's when the hitting occurred. They've fallen out several times when I've left them in the car together like this outside the house. It's obviously a flash point that I need to do something about. Not sure what though.
You are right I shouldn't give it all up on the first day. It's all a work on progress, right?

Sorry to hear you are off to a rough start.

Keeping things clear and predictable will help the most. Carefully prepare her for all transitions, talk each night about the plan for the next day, and then run through the plan again in each morning.

Then avoid situations that you know usually go poorly, like having them wait in a car together. I know it isn't always possible, but the extra effort can save some huge headaches.

Mostly, I found that having solid plans for each day, that I knew the kids could handle, was the best approach.

I want you to know that despite years of grief, now that my kids are 18 (ASD son) and 14 (NT daughter), they are the best of friends.

Good luck.

thankyou DW. It is good to know they can end up friends. They are both lovely children and I want them to be able to look out for each other in adulthood. This morning (we are in the UK) daughter is making a big effort to be nicer to my son and we have agreed that if he starts pretending to be a dog and patting at her then he has to stop if she says "enough". And we are going to make a planner for the holidays. And I am generally feeling a bit stronger after a night's sleep!

You also might want to have a specific protocol for flashpoints (like the car) in case you can't avoid them. For instance, can you put a large pillow or some other soft barrier in between the two of them? DW is right, avoiding those situations is best, but I like to have a plan B, a plan C and a plan D because sometimes life doesn't let you avoid things.

You can also make a social story for your daughter about what you expect her to do if she feels like hitting her brother or breaking his stuff (often, kids on the spectrum do stuff because they don't see another option, or aren't capable of taking another option. Good to have a list of alternatives for them.) If she says she doesn't know what happened when she hit her brother, see if you can point out "tells" or "cues" she may have before she goes off (my son clenches his jaw and his fists, we taught him that when he feels that happening, he needs to do the alternatives RIGHT AWAY.)

For instance, maybe it never occurred to her to yell "I'M FEELING REALLY REALLY ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED! LEAVE ME ALONE!" as a better alternative to hitting (you can work on tone of voice later - with DS, who used to hit, we had a hierarchy of behaviors and worked on them one at a time.) Or, maybe she needs isolation time and needs to get herself to her room...or pull a blanket over her head in the car. You kind of have to talk it over and see if anything seems like a good idea to her - I bet she really doesn't want to hit her brother.

We also used to do a written weekly routine for the summer, so that DS would have an idea of how things were going to go...simple like, "Monday: eat breakfast, go outside and play, eat lunch, go to the stables, come home, eat dinner, have a bath, read a book go to bed. Tuesday:..."