How do you let go?

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I have this problem across the board. My daughter just started kindergarten a few weeks ago and has been making lots of friends. Her school is a combination of kids from 5 small towns. One child she's made friends with is from our town and she just went to VBS with her about a month ago, so they've become good friends. Now all of a sudden this girl doesn't want to sit with her at lunch and doesn't play with her at recess.

Now I know you're thinking, "Oh boy one of these people..."

And I know I'm being ridiculous. I can't expect everybody to like her or want to hang out with her constantly. But I have this complex where I get upset if someone just randomly changes behaviors. What's wrong with her? Is it because of me? Is it something about our house or our family? Is her mom telling her not to play with her because of something we've done/not done? We live in a town of 200 in the Midwest and I guess there's unwritten rules that go along with living in a small community and socializing and I'm aspie and don't get it.

Sorry for the rambling. Anyways. I know I'm being crazy and I know it's no big deal and she's not even making a big deal out of it. But how do I keep from getting so upset in my head? How do I just let it go and not let it bother me?

It may be that the girl is worried about making her own friends without the social influence of your daughter for some reason, but probably doesn't even know her own motives since she is only five. Like, maybe she feels your child gets more attention and she gets lost in your daughter's shadow. Or, maybe she just wants a break, but does not know how to be nice about it since she is so young. I would not read too much into it. Kids start experimenting socially, and sometimes try out power games without realizing how much they are hurting another kid. It is developmentally normal, as much as it hurts. Or else, she may just want to take a break to play with other kids for awhile, but knows no better way to go about it. When this happened to my son, I told him that just because somebody is making you feel like you are not good enough, does not mean that it's true. I told him that kids just experiment with different ways of treating people, but that it's not personal (I mean in the way that it does not mean there is something wrong with him). I also told him not to feed into it by trying to get them to act a different way, but to find other kids who could see him for who he really is (a fun kid to play with) and to stick with them.

I would doubt it has to do with the parents telling her to stay away, only because kids that age can't help themselves if they want to hang out with another kid. I tried to get my kid not to socialize with another kid as much (because the kid was being mean to my kid's other friends and not letting them join), but he liked the kid and could not help it.

I think that this is one of those things you should make an effort not to over-analyze, especially when you have one instance and no pattern. I am a person prone to that, also, so i understand the tendency, but one data point is not a thing I would worry about especially if your child has numerous other friends and seems socially able.

Even kindergartners should be given the freedom to figure these things out for themselves. If your child is NT, that is how NTs (and kids who are NTish enough can do it to some extent also) learn social skills---by practicing them. If she is not NT she may want and need more help at some point. I would still caution not to be too eager to help as that can be insulting if she wants to try on her own. My mom would give me all sorts of unsolicited advice and it annoyed me immensely. (I am hybrid of self and unofficially diagnosed as an adult--so this was based on my behavior not a diagnosis, mind you, if that matters) So this is a bias I have from that perspective.

If your main concern is that it is something about you, then I would try not to worry about that so much, either. At 5, kids are usually not too intolerant, and it is unlikely that you would be a main focus. I think you worry too much, there.

If for some reason it is something to do with you home or family, kids will probably tell her that, b/c kids really don't have many manners in that respect. (No news is usually good news)

There are any number of reasons that the child does not want to socialize with yours--ranging from wanting to be in a particular group of friends who don't associate with your kid, or any other thing. In isolation, I really would not worry and just empathize as needed.

This whole thing doesn't bother her at all, which I think is pretty amazing because I've always been the type to let every little thing bother me, unless the person wasn't worth being friends with IMO. So because it doesn't bother her, I try not to make a big deal of it, although I do ask her each day if this girl played with her or sat with her on the bus (so far it's been no). Deep down I know it's nothing our family has done/not done just because I know it's irrational, considering we really don't talk to anybody or do anything questionable. I'm self diagnosed/undiagnosed too, by the way

My big thing is I tend to have quite a bit of perseveration when it comes to socializing with others - or now my child socializing with others - and I don't know how to not let things bother me. Heck, I'm still going on to my husband about a very short raw milk debate my MIL (not into science) and I (very into science) had this last weekend..

I am going to suggest something, which of course you can feel free to ignore. I don't think it is a good idea to query your daughter about this everyday or really even at all. What purpose does it serve? If she does understand what you are doing (and why) either now or in the future, you will just be spreading your anxiety to her and you will make her feel self-conscious. This is not healthy for her.

I think you should just deal with not knowing if this one girl sits with her or not. It serves no other purpose other than to give you perseveration fodder, which is not really healthy for you, either, even though it is information you think you want/need.

That's true about feeding the obsession, I never thought of it like that! I try not to make a big deal about it and it's usually just a part of me asking her about her day. But it definitely makes me think more about it when I ask. Now if I could find a way to turn on that elevator music in my brain and ignore all my other obsessive thoughts

Yes. I know. Obsessive thoughts are really hard to shut off and it really does take more effort than most people realize if they do not get them.

as a mom i think i can understand you . we all hope our kids are happy and have a lots of friends . but we cant control anything about this . i believe in you can let it go .....