Hi, desperate for strategies for this please...

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Hello,

I have a son who is 10 who is mildly on the spectrum.

He has always had sensitivities to certain types of noise. He has learned to deal with most now however the one thing that sets him off is his sister (8) crying or singing.

Whenever she cries whether it be from not getting her way, being over tired or she has hurt herself there is no difference to him. He will yell at us saying "Shut her up" and keeps going on and on until she stops. There is no empathy for her. He doesn't even give us any time to sort her out we are too busy trying to calm him down as he tries get to her to punch her then punches at us and the walls.

When he was younger we used to get him to wear earmuffs and that worked well. But now that he is older he refuses to use them and insists she has the problem as she is the one crying.

I have often talked to him when he is calm about what he can do when she cries; such as move to another room and read a book - or go outside and play with the dogs and things alike and have also offered a reward if he can control his outbursts. I have even resorted to taking away his electronics when he reacts this way but nothing we do makes any difference.

I would really love to hear if anyone has any other suggestions.

Thank you

A lot of people will be able to suggest more empathic responses than me but I have no patience for violence. I would not give him any support or sympathy when he's being aggressive.

I would give him lots of support and sympathy when he is controlling himself and I would encourage him to communicate however he could when these issues are starting to bother him and when his sister is starting to bother him. I wouldn't argue or reason with him about that and would just accept it and try to help him find a way around.

Once he is throwing himself around though, I'm at my limit and so both because I don't want to encourage him to be aggressive and because I can't, I would not try to calm him down.

I know that sounds harsh, but he is trying to inflict his pain and suffering on others in a way that is unfair, unreasonable, and in the long run though he does not yet know it, will hurt him.

This IS his problem and his trying to make it his sister's or yours would not get any credibility with me. Only when he is not physically or verbally attacking can I be supportive, and I would want him to know that, would sxplain it, and do it by talking about his choices what he can do about whatever is bothering him.

Since there are plenty of options for him to escape the noise, I would have very little patience for that behavior.
Find your leverage - those things or activities he most enjoys - and let him know he'll lose them for a certain amount of time if he acts out. I'd also make him apologize to his sister after he's calmed down.

Edited to add: I also have a high-functioning 10 yr old son, and a younger NT daughter.

Also though I wouldn't necessarily mind his calming himself with electronics before he melts down, once he does (if that's what it is) I wouldn't say I'm removing Electronics for punishment, I would tell him I don't want him to break his things and he needs to show me he is in control for a period of time because we can't afford to replace these things and they are breakable so when he has been calm for ___ hours is when he can have his electronics back.

Thanks for your replies

Yes, we have been consistently doing this for some time now



We need to calm him to stop him punching everyone and damaging walls- when we take him to a different room to calm down he just keeps getting out and becomes more agressive or suggest for him to go and do something he is too angry to do it




I understand what you are saying. He doesn't get any sympathy from us when he is like this, I'm not trying to support his behaviour I'm trying to protect people and property from his rage.



I do this often and I also have a list on his wall of things he can do when he is bothered by something



Totally! Same and he knows this. He goes from green to red in seconds

What would happen if you took your crying daughter into another room away from him, and leave him alone and unrewarded with attention? Then he couldn't hear her crying.

I agree.

He isn't calming down for you, so though I understand you want to protect him and others, unless what you are doing is working I would not be trying to calm him down.

In the end, other people can help us calm down if we let them but we have to calm ourselves down and each of us is responsible for that.

You wrote that he has no empathy for his sister. So the supportive things you can do for sensory issues and so on and helping him understand and social stories are all great, if the problem is autism, but if the problem is he is being rigid and wants to yell louder than her or not have her be allowed to cry, I don't feel that is from being mildly on the spectrum, so if it were me, I would not use those things.

If you feel it is from his autism, though, you could try writing or asking a counselor or speech therapist for help with writing a social story.

Does he have a counselor or speech therapist you could ask to help you with this?

The problem may be that he is melting down before he can catch himself to redirect himself. The problem is of course he is not going to have advance notice that his sister is going to cry.

Thus may be an issue for an occupational therapist, if it is primarily sensory-driven. If he can get desensitized to the noise enough so that he can evacuate himself before he melts down; this may get you where you need him to be.

Thank you

Thank you - It is definitely a sensory issue. He had a hearing test and his ears are super sensitive! Desensitizing him to the noises would definitely work. The trick is how to do it - Ill have to look into it. Thankyou waterfalls.



I used to do this when he was younger and less aggressive. But I wonder now if it would send the wrong message to him that she needs to move away from him when she is upset? A tricky one

Waterfalls - I see where you are coming from. I will try and ignore him when it happens and see how that goes for a while. (I'll pray for the walls since we are currently renting!)

It is definitely a sensory thing - and its not just his sister crying that bothers him.... We can be out at a restaurant and if there is a toddler screaming or crying he starts going red and frustrated and wants to leave asap. He says that the noise really hurts his ears too much. Its not an attention thing at all. They both know they are equally loved and treated.

Thanks everyone

That was ASDMommy who was talking about sensory issues, I was the social story suggester who thinks should make different choices.

It is interesting that he wants to leave if a toddler is crying when you are out but becomes aggressive at with his sister.

[quote="Waterfalls"]That was ASDMommy who was talking about sensory issues, I was the social story suggester who thinks should make different choices.


Yes apologies rushed response

"It is interesting that he wants to leave if a toddler is crying when you are out but becomes aggressive at with his sister"

Yes it is. What are you suggesting?

I certainly wish could get inside his brain, would make our lives a lot easier

Suggesting thinking about where he is more successful and what allows for that and maybe even asking him.

Thinking about a child's problems is depressing so if there's something else to focus on, like what they can do or where they do best, that helps me feel better and help my kids.

Is it possible that it isn't actually her crying--alone--that is the problem?

Could he be getting mad because she is drawing attention to herself?

Since he is willing to flee a toddler crying, but becomes aggressive with his sister, perhaps the issue is "crying PLUS" something else.

I know my little brother simply annoyed me by the mere fact of his existence when I was little. It didn't take too much to turn my annoyance into outright agitation.

Do you ever get the sense that she cries TO irritate him? Because whether or not this is true, if he perceives it to be that way, that could be part of the problem, too.

Sometimes I find that when I can't find the answers, it's because I am asking the wrong questions.... or not seeing the picture fully...

Send him to his room, be angry so he knows you're serious, you have your limits too !
It's not reasonable that everytime his sister gets attention he must get that too, save your energy for more positive interaction.
Watch out that your daughter screaming is not her way to get her way, my dd would scream terribly too, sometimes even before anything happened, often my son would also be saying: I'm going to hit her !

Thanks for your replies – i wrote up a huge response twice, to only lose both.

Waterfalls – yes that is true. I do need to focus more on the positives and what he can do and think about other things that might bring out the best in him. The only thing he says he is good at or that makes him happy is minecraft!

Inthistogether – some very good points to consider – i think all of what you suggested could be on the mark. I will certainly be looking that bit closer and in more depth when she cries in future. Perhaps he can see that she is antagonizing him and he is having trouble explaining it.

I have also thought of the possibility that he has more on his mind than he lets on. Both of the kids spend quality time with each of us and have many opportunities and prompts to talk about any problems but he always says nothing is wrong except the noise of the crying etc. It is a challenge alone to get him to open up.

Traven – trust me he knows we are serious! But we do need to keep it reasonably cool as it will only escalate his anger more. We send him to his room but he is yelling and punching walls because he can still hear her!. Yes possible she is doing it for attention – as i mentioned to inthistogether i will be looking into that more closely

She may be provoking him on purpose. But without knowing anything about her, I just would suggest to keep in mind her skills. Not at all saying she is on the spectrum, but girls sometimes are more easily managed and therefore not diagnosed, autism can run in families, so I would just be cautious how much she can handle and that even if she is the most neurotypical child in the world, having her big brother be aggressive is pretty stressful and could make any of us adults feel overwhelmed and cranky. I do think role modeling staying calm for her as you are doing is a great thing to do for everyone until you figure this out.