AS Sibling Rivalry, Out of my Mind

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I have two boys, one 6 and one 9. The oldest was told he probably has Asperger's awhile ago (he does, but we've not sought formal diagnosis). The youngest has been diagnosed with mild ASD. Both are pretty well behaved when away from each other, but put the two together and BAM! It's chaos. I understand sibling rivalry will exist but we're talking hitting each other, insults, swearing, etc. which I will not tolerate, but have failed in getting a handle on. I separate them (if I can, sometimes have to physically pick the six year old up and remove him from the situation since he may refuse), I take away electronic time, TV time, etc. I distract them. Nothing seems to work and it's driving me batty and getting worse. I've tried positive reinforcement when they get along, cooperative games (they still find some way to fight), and creative discipline (writing sorry notes, saying nice things if you said something mean, taking away toys, though I try to relate the discipline directly to the offense if I can). I feel like I'm getting no where. I know it's the summer and they've been "stuck" with each other much of it since they both don't really have any friends, but I need peace again and even during the school year after school they do this. A lot of times, it will be their sensory issues or low frustration tolerance that triggers a meltdown with the other one. For example, my oldest whistles and makes random noises and it drives my youngest up the wall and vice versa. My oldest also likes to make up games that my youngest wants to play but either is incapable of or loses and he has trouble handling losing. My youngest likes to play with his brother but his brother takes advantage of this and bosses him around until the youngest loses patience. My oldest is hypersensitive to sound and touch and his brother is the hyposensitive to touch and is very loud, screeches a lot. There are plenty of tips out there for NT/AS families and NT families with sibling rivalry but I can't find any for AS brothers and I've tried all of the other tips. They are now so out of control when I try to calm them down or separate them, I end up getting hit or swore at and their little sister is now picking up on their behaviors because she is only 2. Please, any help is greatly appreciated.

Okay, I actually had to ask my spouse if she made an account and wrote this. You are so not alone. That is exactly the situation we find ourselves in. Very minor variations, but all of it is exceedingly familiar.

We've tried everything recommended by books, websites, therapists; each might work once or twice or for a short while until the novelty wears off, but that's it. My spouse jokes that they are The Borg from the 1990's television show, b/c they constantly adapt to anything we do to try to manage them, and render it ineffective. I don't have a solution. But maybe by comparing notes we can find some patterns and observations we've missed? Or if worse comes to worse, trade one of our kids for a weekend so there is peace for a couple of days? (yes, I'm only kidding. Mostly. It would be really nice to have a day of peace, though).

It sounds like you're juggling hand grenades. I'm not judging as I'm right there with you. My two boys are also 3 years apart but the older one is lower functioning and "intellectually disabled" with sensory issues (ASD, MRU, ADHD, SPD, OCD, etc.) that his younger brother (not yet diagnosed but probably HF ASD/ADHD) and have been going at each other physically since the younger one was able to crawl. The behaviors are quite severe when they're together but I've noticed a pattern and am trying to enlist help when I need it the most. THAT's been my frustration.

Anyway, I'm hoping that once we get through puberty and can get them involved in their own extracurricular activities that time spent away from each other will give them enough skills to be able to mature enough to tolerate each others' quirks.

If only.... *sigh*

Then in this morning's local paper after I put both boys on their respective school buses I read this story in the sports section. I hope it puts things in your situation in a better perspective. As a 46 year old father I am confident enough in my masculinity to admit that even I teared up. I blame sleep deprivation though!

http://www.post-gazette.com/sports/psu/ ... 1509040179