Advice on child access case

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Hello

I am currently going through court proceedings to gain access to my son Reece, my partner has used the fact that I am autistic as an argument of why I should not be in my sons life. The CAFCAS officer seems to be sharing her view on this and is not taking what I say to them seriously it is as if I have instantly been labelled as a bad parent. I'm not sure where to turn with this please if anyone has any experience or advice on this matter I would really appreciate the help.

Please somebody help, I am obsessing over it and can't stop thinking about it. I'm at work and I cant focus on anything

Get a lawyer right away. I don't know where you live, but see if there are any disability organizations, as well, that you can contact.

I have already got a solicitor that is representing me, I live in the UK and CAFCAS is the child protection people. They are known to be quite judgemental and mother bias. I guess there is not much I can do about their process and I will contact citizens advice to see what they said. I guess my main aim is to stop myself going out of my mind and proving them right but I am finding it quite hard to keep a grip on things.

I would think most parents would be going out of their minds if they were in your situation. What does your solicitor say? Is your solicitor confident about the outcome? I am in the U.S. I don't know how it works in the UK, but they really try not to separate children from their parents here, even if some states heavily lean toward mother bias. I hope it is similar there. Do you have a mental health professional that can offer their professional opinion on your ability to parent your child safely?

I have a report from my doctor and from my therapist that look favourable, over the last few years I have learned to cope a lot better than I have in the past and I hold down a good job now and its been a long time since I have had a "melt down" episode. In regards to evidence the outcome should be as I want it to be and I will have weekend access but it was just the attitude of the officer she seemed to dismiss me immediately as a danger and she is the person who makes the decision. I am desperately trying to hold myself together and not have one of my episodes but the combination of stress and lack of sleep is getting to me. I have booked an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow morning I just got to survive the last 2 hours of work.

So, it is the CAFCAS officer and not a judge who decides? If you get the outcome that you want, try not to be bothered about the officer's opinion of you. She does sound like she is judging you unfairly, but there is not much you can do about her opinion. She will think whatever she wants. Try not to react, as it will hurt your case. The laws will, hopefully, protect you regardless of her prejudice. If she succeeds in barring you from access to your child, appeal on the grounds of discrimination. You and your son have a right to have a relationship.

Given how many parents with ASD are successfully raising children all over the world, ASD by itself should not be used as a disqualifier. If you need something to do in order to keep yourself from going nuts, maybe find quotes, discussion or articles from leading ASD experts on the topic, and then pass them on to your lawyers. Don't be afraid to look at the articles you come across that say the opposite; may as well be prepared to deal with them. Read them with a calm mind and form substantive arguments that might be deployed to mitigate their weight.

Having the right professional help is, of course, what is going to help you the most. Don't hide anything from your attorneys and advocates; they need to know all the variables in order to deal with them properly.

Beyond that, however, the reality is that child custody cases are rough on everyone, regardless of neurology, and sometimes the outcome is not fair. You have to be prepared for that outcome, and to accept that if that is the outcome, it has less to do with you than it does with a system that can never accurately assess what really is best for all involved. It won't help your child if you allow a negative result to cause you to shut down, withdrawal, or act in anger; you will have to make the best of it, just like millions of parents do every day.

I know it is a scary situation. It is out of your control and people (like your ex) often play dirty and employ manipulative social skills you have little chance of identifying accurately and combating effectively. Facing that is frustrating for anyone, but I also know how much worse it is for those with ASD. Meeting with a counselor so you can talk out your feelings and frustrations would probably be wise. You can NOT bring your negative feelings into the courtroom; that would hurt your case. So be sure to release them somewhere safe. Negative feelings have to come out somewhere, and that piece of this puzzle CAN be within your control.

I would add that it may be helpful to find a disability rights advocate who works with autism specifically. This may be a good place to start: http://www.disabilityrightsuk.org/how-w ... rt-service

Thank you all for your advice and word of support, I did survive work without an episode and have visited the doctor this morning and I feel a lot better about things. Unfortunately I did go walking last night that I have worked very hard to get out of but no damage done I guess. A while back I had a habit of walking all night in the woods because I find being with the night time nature there very relaxing and I am happy there I got out of it because walking in the wilderness alone in for hours overnight has its own hazards and safety concerns but overall I am proud of keeping it together and still being employed.

I got to thinking although Reece being autistic is a bad thing and I would never have wanted it for him because I had an awful childhood with it, with me personally it gave me some gifts also and I would not have the skills to the extent I have them if I was the nuralogical norm so there is hope and everyone gets through I guess.

One thing I was wondering is that autism is hereditary so is it likely that reece has high functioning like me or could he be silent and rocking in a chair not capable of looking after himself ever.

Sounds tough man, I feel for you.

How would I know? You haven't told us anything about him.

One thing I would say - in my experience there is a special bond between autie kids and their autie parent(s), something to be treasured and developed because it's good for both. Yes they also need contact with "normals" because they'll have to learn to live in the "normals" world, but cutting off / discouraging contact between you and your son, as the CAFCAS officer did, seems like complete idiocy, even from a "detached" point of view where your feelings don't matter. Unless they have reason to think you did something bad to him.

Going walkies in the woods at night sounds like fun actually, although I can see how some may find it creepy. You may want to be careful about who you tell about this IRL.

What I meant was that I am high functioning so is it likely what I have passed on to him will also be high functioning. I can't tell you anything about him because I have not been allowed access to him for nearly a year and no I have never done anything to hurt him in any way this is my ex using my condition and his to keep me out of his and her life because she has moved on to another man and she wants a fresh start with my son calling him dad.

Not sure I understand - was your son born after you broke up with his mother?

Re. what he'll be like in the future - IMNSHO nobody knows that, and anyone who claims they do, are lying.
It may depend partly on you. You may well be the better able to understand him than anyone else on the planet.

My Son was born before we broke up the last time I saw him was when he had just turned 2 years old, when I was there he was happy, responsive and talking with seemingly good social skills. I have heard that the first signs of autism set in when they are around that age I know one person who's child stopped talking overnight. I am sorry for not being completely clear or asking a question that probably cant be answered I am so cut up with guilt and probably not thinking right. Clearly I will love him and care for him no matter what his condition it does not even come into the love I have for him at all, its just I went through hell in my younger years and the thought of him going through that actually makes me want to throw up. Because of the court case I cant speak to anyone else about this so this forum is really my only outlet for my feelings right now.

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. How old is Reece now?

I wonder how Reece's mother will explain to her son that she had to keep him away from you because you are like him and such people cannot be trusted. It doesn't seem like a promising start.

Was your nocturnal wilderness walking an issue for Reece's mom and part of the reason she doesn't want you to have custody? What are the specific issues there?

No the night time walks started after we broke up, it became a coping mechanism for being alone I did not do it when I was with the mother. The mother is not aware that I do it because it will enforce what she refers to as "he is mad".

The issue is like any break up when one party is hostile, she is using everything she can to prevent me being part of his life because she has a new man she wants to be dad. Unfortunately my condition was one of the main things that stuck with the CAFCAS officer.

My issue that I am dealing with is the authorities assuming I am a bad parent and treating my statement as less important than Megans because she is "Normal" and also the fact I was not made aware of my sons condition and that no information has been given to me about the severity of his condition.

The problem is that I am obsessing about it day and night and I dont know how to stop, I could use medication which I have done today which has made me feel better but I know in turn that the fact I needed medication will be used against me.

I feel like the whole world is against me and thinks I am scum and a ret*d and that I am not being listened to even though I hold down a high paid and highly respected position in my career it just not fair or right.