"10 Things I Needed to Hear Most as a Child...

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...on the Autism Spectrum"

Incredibly helpful for adults as well, I think.

http://themighty.com/2015/10/10-things- ... -spectrum/

I think that everybody who knows someone on the spectrum should read this.

Good stuff. I feel more back on track now. Thanks.

Doing this to me would have done the opposite. I wanted to be normal so trying to tell me how I will never change and how it will be an act would just make me feel worse like I am not worthy or meant to be normal. It was bad enough kids already had negative thoughts of me so basically this would be telling me I am meant to be crazy, weird, mean, rude, dumb, stupid, I would think I am meant to be a terrible person other kids made me out to be.

I'm also a little concerned with the black-and-white of this list: I know that I'm doing well because I pushed myself to fit in - and while that was not always the right thing to do, sometimes it got me to places I wanted to go where I might otherwise not have gone.

I believe that is why I am now diagnosed with "sub-clinical autism" and an anxiety disorder NOS. I think you're right, I could have been kinder to myself and have given myself permission to fail, and that might have helped with the anxiety - but I don't like the idea of just shutting out learning as a coping mechanism.

Here's what the list would look like if I had written it (considering hindsight.)

1. You will hit social/developmental milestones in your own time, in your own way… and there’s nothing wrong with that. Ignore those who say otherwise.

2. You’re different. Go with it. While you're doing that, try to remember that other people's differences are also valid. Try to find ways to bridge those differences that work for both them and you.

3. Practice eye contact to the level of your capability. Work with people you trust. Find work-arounds that still offer you the appearance of making eye contact or give people other cues that you are paying attention (e.g. looking at their nose, or eyebrow, or over their shoulder.)

4. Remember that scripting and mimicry are communication tools and won't make your difference disappear. They are the equivalent of a foreigner's phrasebook: not perfect, but they might help you get the point across.

5. Small talk is hard, even for many NT people. Have a short script at the ready (weather is always good) and then see if you can turn the conversation to the business at hand. Many people will take this as efficiency rather than rudeness. If you're stuck in a situation where small talk is required, (like a work "party") either bring a "babysitter" who knows you (I have friends I designate in this manner for parties) that understands, or try to take on helpful tasks (washing dishes in the kitchen, handing out nametags, etc.)

6. Social awkwardness is your social radar; when people react poorly to it, you know to avoid them. When people are accepting of it, they’re the ones to trust. Your awkwardness: love it, use it.

7. When you feel shame, it means you are under stress and probably overdoing it. Remind yourself that you do not have the same tools as everyone else, but you still have value as a person, and tools that other people don't have.

8. When you feel resentment for the socially adept means you’ve forgotten that you have to work harder than they do. When you feel acceptance and compassion for the socially adept, it means you have the right mindset about differences in social and communication skills.

9. Many people do not value difference. What’s important is that the right people value difference. Avoid the former. Surround yourself with the latter.

10. You can’t do it alone. You’ll try…you’ll lose hope that it’s even possible to receive help or feel connected to another person. But the good people are out there. Finding them will be worth the effort.

Here's my list:

1. "I love you."

2. "I am proud of you."

3. "You will always be special to me."

4. "I just spoke with our lawyer, and we're taking those bullies to court."

5. "The teacher was wrong, you were right."

6. "We're transferring you to a better school."

7. "I was wrong, and I'm sorry."

8. "We've saved enough to send you to college."

9. "Yes, we will introduce you to her."

10. "Here's a few twenties; have fun, and be home by breakfast."

1. People are not equals, no matter what the law says or what your beliefs are. Status comes from power and it has to be earned.

2. People don't have to reason with you, and they usually won't be interested in your motives for anything you think, say or do, so don't bother to explain them unless asked to. If you're asked to, expect trouble anyway. Bear in mind talking about anything other than what they've made clear they want you to talk about will most of the time piss them off. Learn to shut up and stay shut up. If they say or do something clearly in the wrong, stay shut up. You have no business criticizing them.

3. It is your own responsibility to defend yourself. You'd better learn to do it well, and never expect anyone else to step in and help you. Noöne will respect you otherwise, and rightly so. Mind your physical shape. Se vis pacem, para bellum.

4. Try to get a good education and steer your life towards your true interests, but don't let this become an excuse for depending on us any longer than you really need to. We're likely to become more and more cranky as we get older, and you can't let us prevent you from living your youth, so get a job as early as possible and learn to juggle work and study for as long as it takes to pursue your dreams, unhindered by anyone's threats to stop supporting you and able to respect yourself nonetheless.

5. Live a fruitful, active, interesting and enlightening life, so, when you grow up, you can fill this list with ten wise points, rather than these meagre five.