meltdowns? give in or stand firm.

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so we were in the grocery store and my son(4yrs), likes to pick the number of the check out that we go to. i gave him 2 choices, #3 or #4 because they were the regular lanes even though there were 3 open the third was an express and i think we had too many items, anyways he wouldn't choose and i gave him a countdown to choose. he didn't so we went into #4. as soon as i had chosen it he started to get upset and wanted to go into #3, i told hiim no he had his chance to choose and did not in the alloted amount of time so i chose. and if he wanted to choose he should do it within a reasonable amount of time. he went into a crying fit and it continued for quite some time, it just seemed like i broke his little heart, but i am trying to set boundaries.
so my question is do i give in and let him go to the #3 instead because i am really not sure how big a deal it is, or is not getting his way good so he can learn how to cope when it happens.
it wasn't a temper tantrum, it was different because he gets more angry and defiant, but he was really crying, and i felt bad but was trying to make a point.
i am new to the diagnosis and am not sure which is better. i dont want his diagnosis to be a get out of jail free card, but don't want to push in areas i shouldn't because i know that will make it worse.
thanks

Remember, kids with Asperger's usually process information slowly. So he would have needed a bit of time to think - longer than you.

I have 3 sons - 2 were diagnosed with Asperger's this year. We have been going to weekly psychology sessions for approximately 6 months at an Asperger's/Autism specialist clinic.

The psychologist often say, 'it's about emotional management, not behaviour management'.

If you get your son's stress levels down and managing his emotions, he won't have meltdowns. This will make everyone's life so much more peaceful.

So with regards to the checkout - it would have taken him a long time to make a decision. Aspies are often indecisive!

Then, when he wanted to change checkouts, would it really have mattered if you did? I believe it's pointless having a power struggle over something so unimportant.

Save your battles for things that really matter eg Teaching him to stop, and not run out on the road



You have to parent children' with Asperger's differently. There are a different set of rules.

I suggest you click on the link in my signature and read notes from a seminar I attended this year.

Also, have you read Tony Attwood's book? I strongly recommend it.

Regards
Helen

I think you need to be aware of what causes your son's meltdowns, but I think you have to look at it from the perspective of what will allow your son to function well in the future, as an adolescent and adult. Giving your four year old this much power may not be good for him. It is one thing to help him face difficult situations, and another to allow him to control the adults in the family.

It may not have been a tantrum but it doesn't sound like a meltdown either. I agree that it takes longer to make decisions but deciding checkout lanes isn't his job. or it doesn't sound like it should be.
And in my home, crying usually indicates that my son is learning something valuable.
If you want to continue to give him these types of choices and activities but feel it's important to "hurry along" then make visual aides. Visual aides give him an anchor for time passing and just why you're doing what you're doing. Maybe flash cards with numbers on it or a clock that reminds him to make his decision.

Frankly, I go to the supermarket alone. I got way burnt out after 3 years of screaming and people telling me to hit my kid.

For a lot of kids, the choice between lane 3 or 4 would be a great idea. It is valuable to give kids the feeling that they influence family life, and WE let them choose when it is ok that they choose. We "have control" when we say that they can choose between A and B, and we are fine with both choices. So I don't agree that letting a child make this choice is giving the child too much responsibility or power.
BUT you do have to take into consideration which choices your child is able to make, and give them the time to do so.
I made exactly the same "mistake" with my two-year old NT (with aspie traits) the other day, and he had a tantrum. In retrospect, I should have said to him that I had rushed him, and that we would do it his way. The 1/2 hour tantrum wasn't worth it!
Live and learn!
My autistic son is 9, and his ability to make choices differs from day to day, so you have to be very aware of whether he is having a good or bad day, and what the situation is like in general. Shops with lots of noises, lights and people always make it harder for him to choose.

pfft...I wish my parents knew about AS when I was small
I never got to choose s**t and if I was "bad" like that (made them look bad) I was in serious trouble
I know I would have had it alot better if someone had a clue what was wrong with me insread of just jamming drugs down my throat
(to this day my dad refuses to beleive they didn't work) half the time I didn't take them

Don't sweat the small stuff.
You're going to have a lot of counting to five to do until your kid gets older. If you gave him the chance to choose something, and he didn't, you choose, and don't feel guilty about it. If he makes too much of a scene, don't take him to the store (if that's an option). End of problem.

No, it's not that simple, but it's a start.

Good luck.
Beentheredonethat

This story made me smile. I'm an adult aspie and I still agonize over decisions at the supermarket. I will stand in front of the rolls for 15 minutes to decide which one will go best with my ham and cheese. I actually prefer to eat cold cuts all week to prevent my mind from being occupied by any decisions about dinner. (and I like routine.)

Yet, you're right. You need to make decisions as an adult. "Go with your gut or first impulse" is what usually solves it. I think it's been proven that the first, automatic decision people make is most often the best one. (Ha! Down with the tyranny of reason!) My indecision at the checkout counter is always solved by which employee looks the nicest. (The self-checkout is an aspie godsend.)

Thank goodness I no longer have anyone giving me a countdown or strict time limits. (Down with the tyranny of the clock!)

Not for me, it doesn't matter I always screw up something and require help at the U-Scan. I can have 5 items in my basket and it will still take me longer at the U-Scan then if I wait in line.

for meltdowns, think of it this way... If your kid could say to you "Mother/Father, This area is particularly important to me and it is imperitive to my disposition that I be allowed to take my time in this situation". Would you still drag them across the store? Would you call it "giving in"? I'm just saying, if you hear that in your head, maybe you can start avoiding, working around, and living with meltdowns.

I am an aspie with a spectrum kiddoe and you would not believe how many hours we spend at the grocery store. We don't make any other plans if we have shopping on the agenda, and nobody really throws a fit, but we take a LOOONG time.

Interesting. Good point. I can see how the "performance" aspect of it -- doing something involving co-ordination while people looked on -- could be unnerving. But I still prefer to avoid the empty small talk and a painful social situation.

i guess it depends on what you consider a meltdown, and to what degree the meltdown is..........my daughter will have a meltdown over not being able to watch what she wants to watch on tv ( because someone else is watching a show) ~ do i give in ? no....do i help her to come up with alternatives ? yes............we work really hard around here to avoid meltdowns. that's not to say that she never deals with disappointments, just that we try to avoid situations that we know are incredibly difficult for her. ( one particularly hard thing for her is last minute changes.)
pressuring your child to make a quick decision is typically not a good idea. they start what-if-ing in their heads...what if i make the wrong decision? what if something goes wrong~will it be my fault because i made the decision? what if the other way is faster ?
great idea to let your child be able to make some real decisions~ jsut giving more time to make that decision might avoid a future meltdown.

thanks to all of you for your insights and experiences. i am a single parent so shopping alone is not usually an option, this particular trip was a quick one to the store to pick up a few necessary items and some sale items since we were there anyways. but it was in the evening and we didn't have a lot of time.
i have lots to consider and lots to learn, this is only a recent diagnosis within the last month or so , so i really appreciate some "vetran" help. you have all given me new insights and thought processes thanks for the reccomended reading too.

DITTO! Except the drugs part, they thankfully never did that to me.

Anyhow, mom2bax, we tackle both issues here. With our daughter (she's HFA and four years old) we have fewer behavioral problems and more emotional issues. We've found that firmness first, emotional support if necessary, is what works. Now, this is clearly not a universal thing because our son is the opposite. He melts down INSTANTLY if something doesn't go as desired or expected. He isn't a brat, he's a wonderful and very bright boy, but his behavior can come across quite abhorrent at times. We also do a combination of firmness and emotional support with him, but in his case he needs more emotional support.

There seems to be no hard and fast set of rules that apply universally to all kids on the spectrum, or even at a particular place on the spectrum. Two AS kids can be polar opposites of each other in terms of needs and behaviors.

My daughter was diagnosed October 15th, but we knew long before that and we had been working closely with her. She's doing exceptionally well. Our son's appointment is this coming Tuesday. We have a preliminary diagnosis of "he's on the spectrum", so we're waiting to see exactly where at. WP has been my most valuable resource through this. Daddy is on here too, and I think it helps all of us just to interact with others going through similar issues.

Hope my rambling helps

thanks any bit of advice or anicdotes help, it is important to know the different sides and perspectives of things. diversity is so important but also so frustrating. no one thing is the right thing, i just wish there was . . .

If you didn't give him the time limit when you told him you could use, then you betrayed his trust in a pretty deep way by choosing the checkout yourself.

We like things to be exactly as stated. As you might have seen elsewhere we typically don't lie, and we often expect others to be just as honest. By choosing the checkout after you told him he could, you were in effect lying to him, thereby shattering his image of you as someone who could be trusted.Alot of aspies would see it like that, or would have when they were younger.