Dealing with people calling your child names

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Hi- my 12 year old daughter was diagnosed with Aspergers about 8 monthis ago, we have decided not to tell her about her diagnoses. Her case is mild according to the doctor. Since finding out she has Aspergers we have made some drastic changes to diet and parenting style and have seen some significant changes. We are using essential oils as well to cope with some of the meltdowns and focus problems. We see a therapist regularly as a family as well. She is pretty immature for a 12 year old and has incurred some bullying and is easily coerced into doing things that she admits after the fact, she knows are wrong. My husband and I now closely monitor her Instagram account and text messages. I sometimes think it would be better to not know what's going on but understand she needs this supervision for her well being.

How do you cope with people constantly telling your child that she is annoying? That she's weird and always asks too many questions. Will I get thicker skin at some point? She doesn't seem to care that they say these things so why does it bother me so much?
Also, will the worrying every time she leaves the house ever lessen?
Still new to this and can't find a local support group to meet with. Any insight is greatly appreciated.

I know if she is anything like me, that homeschooling would be best for her.

Thanks for the advice but I am not interested in going that route at this time.

I'm sorry I can't offer you anything definitive, but a key thing for her is for you to be her counterweight to the cruelty she encounters in the outside world, to keep telling her she is not what those other people are saying, to not let her forget this truth. IMHO it would also be a good idea if you let her know that she does have AS, to have a good discussion with her about it.

I am unable to homeschool my youngest who has high functioning autism. In some ways it might be better for him; but he has benefited a lot from the structure of school. There are good points and bad points to homeschooling autistic kids. I think for him school is better. I did homeschool him for kindergarten and got very burnt out. He enjoys the interaction with his friends at school.

He has a school with a really good autism program but there are a few nasty kids on his van. (He rides a special needs van.) The principal is in the process of dealing with the nasty name calling but so far it is still happening. This frustrates me.

So far to deal with it...we surround him with a lot of love and acceptance at home. That means a great deal, for a kid to know that home is a warm and loving place with people who love him. We have taught him that the kids who are name calling have their own problems. They shouldn't be calling him names...but the fact that they are doing it means that they are the jerks, not him.

My son can be purposefully annoying as well--as in, if he knows someone will get mad at something, he will do it just to bug them. He is good natured about it but it is still annoying. We are working on this one.

I may have more thoughts later on this topic but these are the ones that came to me at the moment.

Thank you both for the insight.

She enjoys school and she has made significant progress but the social skills are obviously always going to be an issue for her.
Our next step is to get her into a social skills group. The therapist we see thinks this will help her tremendously.

We do try to counteract the the negativity but at the same time let her know that it's okay to be different. She seems to embrace her " weirdness". She really seems to be unaffected by people calling her that. I am the one that has the problem. I just have this overwhelming sadness that I can't shake when I think about her her life will be just a little bit more difficult. Not in a poor me way but in that I want my kids lives to be easy and carefree for as long as possible.

Oh and believe me I am well are of how annoying her quirks can be. Answering the same questions 10 times, or having to walk through every scenario that may come up to help ease her mind. I just fell that I have raised my kids to be tolerant and accepting of people not matter what. It's frustrating that not everyone does the same.

prego have you thought about eventually introducing her to wrong planet?

the same patience you are demonstrating for your daughter, she will be able to pay back and forward one day.

I was that type of child, that you describe your daughter as...I still have to walk through every scenario to ease my mind. The difference is that, as an adult, I can do more of it mentally. However, I still have times I am very annoying to people around me for talking through some of my mental processes out loud. It can drive my husband crazy. But sometimes my mental translator that translates my thoughts from pictures, to words, to useful deductions, is slow on the uptake. Thinking out loud helps with this sometimes.

However, I am learning what is annoying about the way I go about this, and I try to learn ways to not be irritating to those around me (such as doing my thinking out loud when I am alone, stuff like that).

I dealt with similar feelings as you describe in yourself, when my son was diagnosed...the sadness that he would be seen as "different" and frustration with him being called "odd" and "weird." Stuff like that. It got better with time, for me...I began to concentrate on his strengths rather than the weaknesses and a lightbulb moment was when I realized that if he were not autistic (with the difficulties that are part and parcel of autism) he would also not have his unique gifts that come with his neurological make up. We all have our strengths and struggles and this would be his. Not what I had in mind when I birthed the child, but it would be ok; we would deal with things as they came.

It did bother him, because he really wanted to be liked. It is still a problem on the van, although not so much at school. At school he has friends, and I have advised him to hang out with his friends so that the meanies from the van don't chase him at recess. Should they be doing it? No. But I am all in favor of teaching my kid to think ahead, stand up for themselves (nothing wrong with yelling, "don't talk to me like that," or "stop putting your middle finger up at me, that is very rude!" where an adult can hear it).

I have taught my kids not to be tattletales, and that is where it gets sticky. I don't want a bunch of little tattletales on my hands, purposefully trying to get someone in trouble. As tends to happen when telling on someone gets you rewarded with attention, as well as getting someone else in trouble--the whole tattling thing can be very rewarding to a kid if the adult is not cautious in how it is handled; that is why I don't want mine to abuse the privilege. But I want them to tell an adult when they need to-- when a kid on the van is giving my son the finger when the driver is not looking...this is stuff he needs to tell an adult about. It is hard to explain the difference between what needs to be told and what needs to be ignored. The difficulty is compounded when you have a kid who is inept at reading social cues. We have gotten better at this, but are still working on it.

Officially, the school district has a "zero tolerance" bullying policy. But it is very hard to police this on every level for every kid. At the moment, I am quite irritated at how long this situation has gone on with my son...the van driver and I are contacting the principal's office weekly and sometimes oftener, with incidents that are happening; and the child who is being nasty is still riding the same van with my son and still being nasty. I know that they are not allowed to tell me what disciplinary action is taken with the other child, and I get that. I don't need to know what they are doing with her....but if it were being effective, either she would not be on his van, or the constant nastiness would no longer be an issue. She is still there, and she is still sticking her tongue out at him, calling him names, and giving him the finger when the driver is not looking. Sigh.

So for now, we are emphasizing that this is her problem, not his. She is being the nasty one. He is not the jerk or the butthead (as she is calling him). She is, for doing it.

Why do you not want her to know her diagnosis?

This is a tough one. Has your child asked for advice on her social interactions? If the answer is that she hasn't, then you have to be a little careful, as it might embarrass her to bring it up. I really don't think I would have wanted my parents to have known about all my social issues at the the time.

She may think she is handling it well. Has she been receptive to the idea of social skills training. If she is unaware of the diagnosis and thinks she is doing fine, again, this may be problematic.

If she knows she is having issues and has asked for help, then it is easier to have a conversation about it, as she herself may bring up the topic of having difficulties, making it easy to segue to dealing with the insults. I asked my dad for help with zingers and given his also undiagnosed issues, they were not too effective, so make sure whatever advice you give her is -good- advice and not too parentcentric.

I was a lot like what you describe your daughter as being growing up.

I keep typing a response, but it's long-winded and opinionated and probably unkind, so I'm going to think it over and try again later.

I'll leave it at this for now:

1) She WILL be OK. Eventually.

2) You growing a thicker skin about the teasing and bullying she has to face will not happen naturally. It's a choice that YOU have to make, to not let it upset you. Maybe I can help with that, I don't know. I kind of think that any attempt I make to help is probably only going to hurt your feelings, because what I have to say is harsh as all Hell.

3) Don't worry so much about teaching her to fit in. Worry about teaching her to be strong enough in herself that she does not allow herself to be goaded, tricked, or coerced into doing things that she knows are wrong. THOSE are the things that threaten her safety, her freedom, and maybe even her life. THOSE are the things that will follow her for the rest of her life, long after she's shed the majority of the awkwardness.

4) These are the worst years. This is the time when the gap is biggest (and the peers are cruelest), because this is the time when the changes are happening so fast that even the NT kids don't know if it's as*hole or breakfast time. Your daughter gets it worse, but they even treat each other like that at this age. It gets better. Not for a while, but it does get better.

5) "Easy and carefree" is f*****g overrated. I understand the mother's impulse to make life easy and carefree (I have to hold it back by the skin of my teeth all the time), but if she's sure of the food in her belly, the roof over her head, and her parents' love (and not getting shelled, shot at, or threatened with kidnapping and rape on her way to school), she's got it better than most of the kids on the planet. If she's not being harassed by the teachers and the administration at school, she's golden. You can hurt a kid pretty badly, later on in life, by making things too easy and too carefree when they're coming up. Too much "easy and carefree" in upbringing breeds adults that are selfish, self-centered, self-serving, self-indulgent, impulsive, thoughtless, and weak. "Easy and carefree" is a lot of the reason that her peers feel they can bully with impunity. On a wider scale, "easy and carefree" is a lot of the reason America is so screwed-up today.

I realize it hurts her to take those lumps, and that it hurts you tenfold to watch her take them, but those lumps NOW are what's going to protect her from bigger predators later. She's not so profoundly "diff-abled" that you're going to be able to protect her for life. So protect her by letting her get hurt now, while the hurts are small and the fall is short. Someone whose life has been "easy and carefree" up to 21 or 23 or 25 might not think twice about "Pawn this for me" or "Drink this" or "Where do you live?" or "Meet me in this isolated place" or "I just want you to drive the car"...

...or things that are a lot more run-of-the-mill (and totally legal) like, "Fill out this credit card application" or "Sure you can drive that awesome car, just fill out this loan application" or "Don't you trust me, Baby?? I neeeeeed 'it'".
Not all the predators are shady. A lot of them look like boyfriends. Or bankers.

Yeah, I know, I'm scaring the living s**t out of you.

Momma, you can't stop time. Your 12-year-old Aspie, with the social and emotional maturity of an 8-year-old, is going to be a woman some day. She might be slower getting there (thank God if she is), but it's going to happen. She's going to want to go to college (or to work), get her own place, move out, go to Myrtle Beach with her friends (and yes, someday she WILL have actual friends), hike the Appalachian Trail all alone, join Doctors Without Borders-- s**t that scares the living piss out of the parents of NT kids.

She might want to get married and have little Aspies of her own someday. I did. If THAT doesn't turn your hair gray, stop reading right here.




You're not going to live forever. Someday you're going to be old, someday you're going to be frail, someday you're going to be disabled, someday you're going to be dead. If things go right, she'll still be living. My mother died at 34 (I was 11) and my dad at 58 (I was 32, and I still was not f*****g ready). They did most things right (except my mother slept around and got Hep C that developed into liver cancer that killed her, and my dad smoked a lot of pot and took huge doses of Effexor because they kept a lid on his autism symptoms and also between them caused heart/lung issues that wiped him out without much notice) and they still died before they were planning on it. We all do. When you're gone, she has to have two feet to stand on. Whether anyone else is standing beside her, or not.

So don't get carried away with the "easy and carefree." Those hurts she suffers now (and you suffer twice as hard) will make her life easier, later, when the fire is hotter and it's farther to fall.

Personally, I think that's a big mistake. Maybe an NT kid would get the difference, but I sure wouldn't have as a kid. I kind of figured that only bullies hated tattletales, but then my parents never tried to get me not to tattle. If they had, I probably would've stopped telling about important stuff too. Instead, I told about anything that bothered me, whether it was serious or not, and the adult could sort it out.

It's a lot easier to deal with a kid who tells you about things that an adult isn't needed for than one who doesn't tell you about things an adult is needed for.

[quote="Ettina
Personally, I think that's a big mistake. Maybe an NT kid would get the difference, but I sure wouldn't have as a kid. I kind of figured that only bullies hated tattletales, but then my parents never tried to get me not to tattle. If they had, I probably would've stopped telling about important stuff too. Instead, I told about anything that bothered me, whether it was serious or not, and the adult could sort it out.

It's a lot easier to deal with a kid who tells you about things that an adult isn't needed for than one who doesn't tell you about things an adult is needed for.[/quote]

If the adults are good at sorting things out and the kid is not purposely trying to get another kid in trouble by tattling, this works. If you have a child who is just tattling, trying to get his brother in trouble...well, then a lesson is needed, IMO. This was what we were dealing with between our two sons. ASD son was purposely trying to get his brother in trouble. Mistakes can be made on both sides--kids who tattle and get another in trouble unfairly, or kids who need to learn to "tattle" a bit more--neither is a perfect system.

I am new to this so not sure how you guys use the quotes.

The therapist is the one whoo suggested we not tell her at this time and I agree. Middle school is tough, brutal in fact, and I just want don't want her "labeled". As she gets older I feel that we will have no choice but to tell her.

She does talk to me about social things. When something happens she talks to me. Usually the issue is her not being able to read the cues and making soon made. We walk though the situation and I help her figure out what went wrong and what she may be able to do to rectify the situation. So far that seems to work. She has gotten herself into some situations where she gets way in over her head and she panics. ( example a boy tired "sexting" with her. she had no idea what to do and I found on her computer that she had been googling some of the things he was saying.) She claimed she knew she shouldn't be doing this but that he kept "bugging" her to do it and she didn't want him to not like her.SO this is what I mean when I say I want to protect her. And this is why I will keep working on the social skills with her.

I don't think I try to make her fit in- I want her to be happy with who she is. She embraces her "weirdness". Her words not mine. I always thought she was strong in sticking up for herself but I am seeing now that her desire to be liked is overtaking that.I am hoping its just the age,and that as she matures maybe this will not be so much of an issue. I know someday she will be a woman and I look forward to seeing her grow into that I just don't want it to happen to soon, before she can truly handle it.

The teachers and guidance counselors know her situation and I know I am very lucky that they are looking out for her.

Also please don't worry about hurting my feelings. I am a big girl I can take it. I just don't like people messing with my kid.