Burnout when you have kids.

Post Reply New Topic

A question for those of you who are on the spectrum with kids who are too: what do you do to avoid burnout?

I have 3 kids. DD#1 is 7, NT. DS, #2 is 4, non-verbal, autistic, and skilled at defeating child proofing. DD 2.0, kid #3 just turned 2, and is, well, a toddler. I stay busy. I stay thin. I'm also the sole breadwinner, and work rather harsh hours in a tech startup, and I don't think I'm able to thrive in any other setting. Startups are one kind of hell, but they tolerate engineers who can't manage red tape. Established companies, not so much.

DS has been displaying classic ASD behaviors that were beaten out of me as a kid (won't be happening with him, be assured), and so confronting me with evidence that I'm diagnosable. I'd still be reluctant to get DXed, but odd things have been happening with me in recent weeks, and I'm scheduling a doctor's appointment this month because if these things aren't aspie burnout, then they might be something worse. That said, an ASD diagnosis for me is the likeliest outcome here.

So I have to ask what parents do to manage the risk of burnout. I can't afford to have a shutdown at work. And I can't afford to shutdown when I'm watching two kids who do not respect motor vehicles. How do aspiedads manage?

routines, routines

let the chidren know beforehand what's going to happen and set expectations; after this we're going to do that, etc

You've got to have help with the kids, you really do.
Does your partner do much? And would she be willing to do more if she knew you were at risk of burn-out?
Do you have relatives nearby who can help?
Because the only other way is to reduce working hours, and that might not be worth the risk, it depends how well you've established your abilities there and how understanding your bosses are.
And don't forget the self-care - you need to make sure you have a bit if time to yourself every day. You're no good to the kids if you're ill.
Good luck!

I am the breadwinner also in a high-stress job (although my company is no longer a start up and I need to find a new job). For the children, I am the intellectual caretaker (I have the ideas) and my NT husband is the physical caretaker (he implements and remembers the water bottles). I don't separate home and work stress (for me it's STRESS) so I need to manage both.

For me it's all about setting expectations. If they are high (as they usually are), I go to scheduled events, or "schedule" (focus on) impromptu activities and generally can handle half a day with two kids (youngest is almost 6). When the kids were younger I was good for a couple hours alone with them. If I lower my expectations, I can manage the two for longer periods of time. I do take more risks than most parents (my kids crossed the street themselves at a young age and my sister was appalled I let my 4-year old son up on a roof by himself) and I am not sure if that's b/c I lack executive function (which I do) and/or simply take educated risks. There have been times I am about to lose my cool in a BIG WAY and have literally gotten down on my knees and (with mixed humility and pride) asked my NT son to help me by [changing a behavior]. To my surprise, he has always gently complied in those situations. My NT husband still gets a lot of desperate phone calls or texts from me: come NOW (I overextended myself). I have a hard time asking for help, or otherwise "pacing" myself earlier. But I am getting better (and they are more patient). Just yesterday I told the kids I was more irritated than usual and was going to take a break. All in good time. The silver lining to the eight years of hardship it took to have my children is that I *especially* have it in mind how very fortunate I am for this opportunity and support.

I would say have strong boundaries and set expectations, but also lots of hugs.

If you feel mentally drained just tell them you feel tired but also hug them so they know you are not ignoring them. Also,if you are feeling drained try not to go on your cell phone or watch tv too much as a coping mechanism.

When our kids were younger, my husband was the big breadwinner. I worked, but only part time. My husband has more ASD traits than I do, and shuts down in a more self-destructive way than I do. So my decision was to prioritize his self-care over mine. I can usually see when he's overloading, so I felt it was my duty to mitigate that in any way possible. Even so, he did lose it at work a time or two which, because he is so good at what he does, fortunately didn't end up as disastrous as it could have (his boss told him to take some vacation and regroup, starting immediately).

You need to be good at enforcing your boundaries at both work and home. You also need to be able to communicate to your partner when you feel yourself approaching the ledge. Sometimes something is just going to have to give; you won't be able to do everything. For me, that was the housework. Housework moved to the bottom of my list real fast, and for more than a decade I wouldn't invite people over. There are more items that we should have worked on, but just couldn't, and we've all survived those choices.

I know enforcing boundaries at work is difficult, but what I've observed over 35 years of my career is that while companies will push and push and push, they do not actually want to push anyone over the edge, or lose good employees because they've pushed too hard. If your boundaries are reasonable, they may grunt but they will respect.

I wish you luck. Take care of yourself.

Everyone, thank you so much for the advice! I'll update soon, I'm just too exhausted to be typing everything up tonight.
Last Friday I had to dismount the bike on the way to work and sit down at a cafe as I was feeling another of the episodes coming on. Whipped out the work laptop, messaged my manager that I'd be working from the cafe for an hour or two, and then took 5 minutes to just close my eyes And the symptoms receded. This was physical pain hitting me which is not what WP posters generally mention with burnout, but all I had to do was sit down and close my eyes and it would start to go away. Then worked from my seat before resuming my commute.

At work I took two breaks where I just sat down at a couch, book in hand for a diversion, and just closed my eyes. 5 minutes later, I could get back to my desk and resume work. Got back home, told my wife I was taking an early night, left the night's chores undone and slept for 13 hours after the kids were all asleep. Seeing a physician about this on Friday and I will deliberately avoid broaching the ASD topic until he brings it up, so if something else is going on it won't be missed.

I do have a lot more to type up soon as I am physically able. Thanks again, everyone!

Thanks for the update. I'm glad you are taking steps to care of yourself and also to check out what might be causing the issues.

@Apuleius, I'm glad you're taking care of yourself! Autism burnout or something else, whatever bothers you, seems obviously stress and overload-related, it's great you give yourself space to rest even a bit!

@DW_a_mom, it's comforting to see I'm not the only one whose list of priority got reworked that way - with housekeeping on the bottom.
In my case, my job ended up on the bottom as I gave it up completely. Still, housekeeping is on the bottom of what remains. We invite only the friends who know us well and understand it.
And on the top is mental health - mine because if I drop below the line, I get completely crippled by social anxiety; my husband's because when he drops below the line, he can become agressive - with a blind agression of a meltdown; my Aspie daughter because the trouble have come and things need to be done now; my ADHD daughter seems to be doing fine so I only try not to make it worse. It's a lot of urgent, important, largely invisible and very exhausting work. Pretty unexplainable to someone from the outside.

Finally got to see a general practitioner last Friday, and I got a referral to a neurologist in a few weeks. I'm at the age where it's wise to check for gradual onset of things like MS or Parkinson's, but the chance of those is at this point nil, based on the neuro check the GP did. So that is a load off my mind. It's plain old chronic stress, to be confirmed with a cortisol blood test next week, and to be managed accordingly. The doctor did suggest I should look at getting me serotonin boosters or going to a psychologist to consult on stress management. I saw how the drug-of-the-month-club in the 90s really wrecked people, and have no wish to take drugs that pass the blood brain barrier until science gets much better at understanding the side effects. As for a psych, well, I'll ask the neurologist first. It's a huge time sink.

I'll talked with my wife about getting more slack when I feel these episodes coming on, especially to make sure they don't come on at a bad time. I think that's ultimately going to be the only answer.

And at bedtime two nights ago my 7 y/o NT daughter diagnosed me with "weirdtism." Probably true.

It sounds like you are figuring this out. I agree on holding off the drugs; they are very tempting when there are small children in the house and self-care is difficult to manage, but they can be near impossible to go off of. If your wife is able to support you through this without drugs, that will probably be the wisest long term.

You may need to make the time for therapy, but I can totally relate to feeling that right now trying to find the time would just add more stress. You can make that call if needed as time goes on.

I believe weird is a wonderful thing to be. Long run, I think your children will feel so, too, even if there are guaranteed to be moments they will (temporarily) hate you for it.

Honestly, I can relate to a lot of what you have written and I am NT (to the best of my knowledge). My oldest daughter was just diagnosed AS last year at the age of 16. I also have a 15-yr-old. I have been a single parent since they were 2 and 3 years old. Although my ex-husband and I get along well, he sees the kids on a more traditional time schedule. So, I have had to support the kids, do everything for them as they grew up, and make it on just my income as a freelance writer. I have always been an extremely involved parent as they grew up. However, this past year has been incredibly stressful financially and I lost a dear friend, on top of my DD's diagnosis. Now we are tackling the idea of DD going to post-secondary next year, which is a whole other source of stress. All this and years of being responsible for everything have caught up with me.

All this to say that you could be suffering from burnout just for the sake of burnout. Not saying you aren't AS as well, but I can tell you that burnout can hit and hit hard even as an NT. Right now, I am trying to bring myself out of it. I am trying to take care of myself by eating well, getting some sort of exercise every day, meditating most days, and reading motivational/spiritual books. I am trying to get out and socialize more. I am trying to stay present and just keeping doing what I need to do each day.