What do you do when your child reaches adulthood?

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My daughter will soon be 17. She was diagnosed with ASD in 9th grade but I knew something was wrong way before that. If it were still a diagnosis, I am sure it would have been Asperger's. I had suspected Asperger's in myself long before I suspected it in her. Throughout her diagnostic testing, I would answer questions with, "Yes, but I do that too, so I thought it was normal." She is gifted and comparatively high functioning. The only time you would notice anything is off is when you say something she does not like or expect something from her that she does not feel like doing. She really only has issues with my husband and I and her teachers. So, looking superficially, everything should be fine. She is smart and capable. Her behavior, however, seems to close every door her intelligence opens. I am absolutely concerned about her future. I would like to have a relationship with her that would allow me to support her forever. If things were different, I would have no problem doing so.
Things aren't different. She has absolutely no respect for me. It goes beyond the normal teenager stuff. She attacks me. I have had her arrested. She abuses me. She tells me to kill myself. She has threatened to kill me so many times that her 6 yo sister hid the scissors last time she blew up. Every morning is full of fits because she is asked to wake up. Every morning! She steals from me. She destroys my things. She makes demands and threats. Right now, I think my only option will be to drop her off at a homeless shelter when she turns 18.
I don't think I can be the only mother in this situation. How have others dealt with it?

Sorry you and your daughter are going through this.

It sounds like she has more problems than autism, especially since you mentioned that her autism seemed mild. (When I saw your thread title, my knowledge of autism made me expect this to be about life skills or the ability to get a job, not about how she's destructive and abusive.) Is she diagnosed with anything else? It seems like she really needs treatment--maybe even just counseling--for whatever that other problem is.

I've heard of parents having this problem before. My mother had a similar but milder issue with my younger siblings. But I've never heard of many great solutions. I'll try to give some thoughts in case something helps.

The main thing I can think of is get some counseling for yourself, and probably your other family members. I've noticed a consistent pattern about people living with an abusive person; they start to have weird perceptions and feelings about things. Maybe because your brain starts trying to make everything "acceptable" once the situation unfortunately becomes "normal"? The fact that I've seen it with other people isn't the only reason I think you have to worry about this. I can't put my finger on exactly why, but something about the way your post is written makes it seem like you are having this problem. A counselor will give you someone to talk to who can call you out on it if you talk about something horrible as if it were acceptable.

If your daughter doesn't trust you, you probably won't get her to cooperate with treatment. While she's under 18, you could probably try to force her into some kind of treatment, but I'm guessing it won't be effective if she doesn't cooperate. (Maybe it's an option worth researching anyway.) Is there anyone she does trust, who might talk to her about it? You said she only has problems with you, your husband, and her teachers: who's left?

It sounds like you probably can't allow you to keep living with you. Make it a priority to protect yourself and your other family members. If you keep that objective in mind, it might be easier to consider all options. For example, you could forbid her to live with you but still provide her with money. (I'm not saying you should provide her with money, just pointing out that it's an option, as long as you have money. You aren't necessarily limited to a black-and-white choice between "put up with her behavior" or "abandon her completely.")

If you aren't familiar with the concept of "I language," look it up. I don't know if this is a problem for you, but I know when my mom was in a situation kind of like yours (with my younger siblings) pretty much everything that came out of her mouth alienated them even more and made the problem worse. She was just so pissy and needlessly hostile about everything, whenever she talked to them. I can't really blame her for being like that (it sounds nuts, but knowing her background, I can see why she behaved that way), but it was definitely making her problem worse. Here's a starter article.

Hope that helps. Good luck.

I am going to suggest the Explosive Child by Ross Greene and his Collaborative Problem Solving approach. I don't know if her explosiveness is recent (if so, she may need some kind of medical check up) but it sounds to me if her issues are only with you and her teachers, that she is for sure, having issues with authority. It is not unusual for smart Aspies to not understand why they have to take orders from people when they are sure they are right. It doesn't justify what she is doing, of course, but if she does not feel like her opinion is respected, and she is told "because I say so," that can be part of this.

She maybe having other issues you do not know about, like with peers and bullying as well. It is hard for me to picture a kid, this angry not having social issues. Some investigation might be worth it here to find out about her friendships and if she has bullies at school.

Has she had sleep issues before? Aspies often do not get good sleep, for a number of reasons. There is another somewhat recent thread on that, I think, but it can be had to get your mind settled at night, when you have so many thoughts going through it. Sleepiness is a big factor in meltdowns, so I would also see if you can stabilize her sleep.

I can relate to this. I never had a good relationship with my parents either. They had so many expectations of me that mostly came down to behaving like a neurotypical child. I wasn't able to live up to that because of my ASD and they often got upset and punished me by locking me up at home and forbidding me to do stuff. Which really only made it more impossible for me to even attempt to become what they wanted me to become.

I didn't cross any lines like your daughter however. I knew my parents were in the wrong but I depended on them to survive so there was nothing I could do. But it's probably not easy for her either. For one ASD is often a living hell whether you are high functioning or not. Then there's the factor of depending on others. You can ask anyone with a disability, being dependant is not fun. It can get to you and affect your self-esteem and general well-being. And then there's authority. Nobody enjoys being bossed around by someone who has power over them. Could explain the rebelling. And ofcourse puberty is a time where children realize what life is really like and this causes depression and frustration in many of them.

On a side note, I ended up leaving my parents house soon after I turned 18. I'm all by myself and not doing well, but I'm surviving at least. I hope it's not too late to fix the situation with your daughter but I fear it might be.

Sorry but if this question feels accusatory, but were you frequently abuse her when she was just a child? Kicked her or slapped her out of nowhere when she behaves out of control? Maybe her own explosiveness are just the result of her copying your own actions during her childhood, augmented by her own lack of capability for inhibitions.

If it is true, maybe you can start from there. Say sorry to her, from your heart. She will be condescending to you at the start, but keep saying sorry and help her all the time. She will be obedient, but still full of spikes, but obedient nonetheles.

My daughter is almost 20 and was diagnosed at 17 with mild autism.... She is very angry and frustrated with life. She struggles to make friends and is very isolated... She had a voluntary job but is refuses to attend so sits on her computer in her room most of the week. Her anger is mostly directed at me and I'm struggling to cope!! !! I am trying so hard to make her life better, but it has to come from her in the end!! !! I understand where you're coming from completely X

I would speak to Social Services now. By law, transition planning must start at school by 16 if she has an IEP. If she does not have one, get one. You can not live this way, neither can she. She needs to know she is responsible for her life even if she needs long term support.

I have some concerns with this. I have Asperger's and was physically and emotionally abused by my parents - but I never attacked them. I've been through some really nasty stuff in my life out of as well as in uniform. I believe there may be a misdiagnosis here. Granted, Apergians, like other human beings are all hardwired uniquely. I'm not a licensed professional. But I believe there's way more to this than what people are seeing. Just a thought.

I am going to come back and say here I appreciate different perspectives and I can understand why members here might want to give the OP's child the benefit of the doubt. Abuse is a terrible thing, especially if it's done by your own child. I just have a habit of always assuming the kid is evil and bad and very sick when I hear how abusive they are without considering they might be doing retaliation abuse especially if the kid is only selective to who they are abusive to.

It seems that your daughter is a brat, but perhaps it is a phase?
Has she always been like this, or is it just teenage crap?

I have read the responses, and appreciate them, but I have so much to say in response that I was never able to respond because I did not have the time to thoroughly answer.
Cyllya1,
She had an earlier diagnosis of ODD. She definitely has that as well. We have been to many councilors, licensed mental health care professionals, psychologists, and psychiatrists. Every time it works the same way. We spend tons of time, and money, so that they can get to know her, they tell me they have a plan that will work, they give her things to do, she doesn’t do them, they give her other things to do, she doesn’t do them, I ask if we are making any progress, and they tell me that if she doesn’t want to change, there is nothing they can do, we go somewhere else and start again. The psychiatrist was the last effort. I thought her issues were behavioral and medication would not significantly change the choices she makes. She eventually decided everything else wasn’t working, so she wanted to try medication. We tried, for two years, every combination that was recommended, with no improvement, and she decided she wanted to stop.
Every other parent I know who is going through this just lives in fear or unfounded optimism. A friend has a son who attacks her, but will not call the police. She says it will interfere with his ability to get a scholarship. I am constantly baffled that she thinks he is going to college and not jail. Eventually her neighbors did call the police while he was beating her, and she is upset with them.
I did start counseling for myself. My doctor gave me suggestions of where I could send her, but they were all $500 a day facilities. I am not wealthy. So now we are in the weeks of getting to know me phase. Then we will come up with a plan to make it a little more bearable. I definitely do tolerate unacceptable situations because I have no choice. I teach. My daughter will be in my room after school when I am trying to grade papers and start throwing chairs at my desk after I have told her no. That is absolutely unacceptable, but, realistically, I there is nothing I can do, so I ignore it. She has an ocean of dirty cloths, rotting food, and other garbage in her room. That is how I have to live. I just try not to go near her room until we do not have a single towel anywhere else in the house, and I have to go on a rescue mission so someone else can shower. She has advertised herself on every dating website available, so we cannot have computers in our home. She will take anything I have in the refrigerator, eat what she wants, then leave the rest to rot in her room, so we must grocery shop or eat out every meal. None of these things are acceptable, but they are how I must live.
I do not have the money to support her outside my household. I changed my major to education when I found out I was pregnant. I have used every class, and training, and collegial discussion to learn how to be a good mother. I have gone out of my way to make sure I spoke to her in an appropriate way. My father only interacted with us to make fun of us, which he thought was bonding, or to yell at us. I am super sensitive about that. I was aware of the fact that I did not have good role models for parenting and had to do that learning from books.
ASDMommyASDKid,
I read the Explosive Child early on. She definitely has issues with peers, but has real difficulty understanding why. She alienates herself. She is not nice and doesn’t get why the other kids don’t like her. One day she yelled at me, that she had no friends because I wouldn’t let her go to anyone’s house until I met their parents. That was certainly the rule in elementary school, but I haven’t said that in years and had let her go to multiple kids houses earlier in the year. She goes to my school and recently yelled that she doesn’t have any friends because everyone hates me. Most of my kids love me. Even kids who are failing my class come to eat lunch with me. When I asked he who, specifically, didn’t like her because of me, she said she never said that. She said she said that no one likes her because her mother teaches at the school. I asked if other teacher’s children did not have friends. She has friends because she has some very understanding kids she has been with since elementary school. Kids are nice to her because we have some very understanding kids at our school. She just has issues when kids don’t react exactly the way she wants them to react or say exactly what she wants them to say so every once in a while she has meltdowns about how everyone hates her.
Her sleep is only an issue when she has access to the television or electronics. She tries to sleep all the time but it isn’t because of a lack of sleep, it is just because she doesn’t want to get roped into doing anything constructive.

Selflessness,
I don’t expect her be behave like a NT child. I am not normal. We are gifted. Neurotypical is not something I value. She gets things taken away when she attacks me, when she gets caught skipping, when she is failing all her classes, when she is caught trying to attract the attention of adult male strangers with fabricated stories about who she is and her age. I do not view this as excessively mean or unreasonable. She does not even understand she depends on me. She thinks I am here to serve her. I understand I do not need to tolerate abuse from an adult in my household. I have no recourse until she turns 18, but after she turns 18, I can be free from the daily abuse she inflicts. My hope is that she can change her behavior and stay with us until she is financially stable. I fear she might have to try it on her own before she can understand and appreciate everything I do for her and how unreasonable her behavior is.

Zenstrive,
She was not abused. We spent her first 8 years with my mother, who was not very nice to me, but my daughter was treated in a way that all research supports. I thought, for a long time, that her lack of respect for me was a result of us having lived with my bitter mother. Only recently, I have had to realize there is more to it than that. This goes beyond learned behavior. I have had to admit that behavior can be influenced by genetics more than I had previously believed. Her father, whom she has not seen since she was 5 months old, had mental health issues. I am terminally gullible and it took me a long time to realize I was not just being too sensitive, that he really was a horrible person. They share her worst behavior. I have had to reevaluate everything I believed about mental health. No, she was never abused.

Ianaeva,
I have met others in the same situation, but no one with answers. It helps to know I am not alone, but I wish I could find some success stories!

KariLynn,
She does have an IEP. She is in the autism unit and has a Learning Strategies class. She refuses to go. What would transition planning be?

Mongoose1,
I am absolutely aware of how I am supposed to behave. As a teacher, I deal with disrespect regularly. I have learned to not take it personally and to remain coolly objective. I think being an INTJ helps as well. I focus on problem solving and logic, not on my feeling being hurt. I have said constantly, to everyone we have been to, said, “..but I probably have Asperger’s and I don’t attack people.” I am constantly reminded that I am just one half of her equation.

League_Girl,
She has been hospitalized twice and arrested once. When she was hospitalized, she was taken to crisis facilities who will only hold her until she is no longer viewed as an immediate threat to herself or others. Both times ended up being $500 overnight trips. The longterm care facilities I have found are not covered by my insurance. The facilities covered by my insurance are for drug abuse only. She is fully aware of the fact that I have nowhere to send her. There are some places she can go, that operate on donations, but she has to agree to go and she will not.

Selflessness,
She does have access to excellent psychological care. She is uninterested. She knows I am trapped and that is a huge part of why I have been completely unable to affect any kind of change. She knows no matter what she does, I will still house, clothe, and feed her. She will still participate in holidays and still benefit from my inability to keep food in the house by going to dinner regularly. I think if she is ever forced to live in the world the rest of us live in, where you suffer negative consequences for bad actions and are forced to work to feed, house, and clothe yourself, things would get better. So, I get what League_Girl is saying, but that wouldn’t work, because there is nowhere for her to go.

League_Girl,
My husband is 6’7”. The times she tried to attack him, the impact did not have the dramatic effect she was looking for.

Btbynnr,
She has always had fits. The violence started when she got big enough to hurt me. Her behavior has always been getting progressively worse.

I'm sorry I am just reading this. I can relate. My daughter is not physically abusive, but the verbal abuse gets worse with each meltdown. She is diagnosed with ASD at about Asperger level and mild mental retardation. Our plan was to try and get her on disability and to stay with us when she turns 18 in 2 months. At this point, though, I am just ready for her to go. We homeschool. Yesterday's meltdown was because I wouldn't let her sleep past 10:30. Then I had the audacity to ask her to empty and rinse the glass of milk she left out the day before. At my wit's end. You are not alone.

I realize that this won't solve anything, but I feel like a big part of the problem is too many years of not knowing ASD was involved. ASD kids are smart and observant, but inaccurate in how they understand the actions of others, and it creates a misunderstanding of how to behave and how to succeed. When you KNOW a child is ASD from a very young age, you deal with all these little misconceptions slowly and over time, gently turning each one. But when no one knows, actions get taken that are completely counterproductive and end up more sharply ingraining the misconceptions the child is already forming. I fear this happened in your daughter's case; she has, when you think about it, experienced a pretty rough road upon which she has had little control over her life, received conflicting messages, received treatment for the wrong problem, and so on. She knows her life is a mess and assigns blame to pretty much everyone and everything around her, and does her best to even what she sees as an unfair playing field, hence stealing and other actions. And the worst part is that it really isn't anyone's fault. There is no blame to assign; it just IS.

I don't think her problem is being ASD as much as having issues combined with un-diagnosed ASD, and how that affects perception while working on those issues, if that makes sense.

I have no idea how you solve it. So I'm brainstorming from out in left field here:

When the kids are little we suggest starting by creating a safe environment for them, an acceptance of their quirks, etc., so that you can build trust. Because my son doesn't see the world accurately, he has had to trust us when we tell him that action A results in B. And he fought our explanations; they rarely seemed fair or appropriate to him. But he learned, over time, to TRUST that we were telling him the truth, and honestly doing our best by him. He learned to trust that we would not ask him to do things that he couldn't do, and wouldn't ask him to work hard on a skill unless it was important. And we often asked him to do things that were very, VERY difficult for him, and to work VERY hard. We could never have ordered him to do that work, nor would discipline measures have worked. He had to make the choice, and he made the choice because we had established a pattern of trust. That isn't always easy to do with ASD kids; they accept a lot less on face value than NT kids, and don't usually have a natural respect for anyone (it has to be earned).

I doubt there is a single person in this world your daughter feels she can trust. Imagine how lonely and scary that must feel.

Most likely, what she needs more than anything is someone she feels safe with and feels she can trust. Someone she can be herself with and not be judged negatively. While that should be you, it sounds like there may have been too many years of failed communication for it to be you. Add to that totally normal mother-daughter issues that occur at this age and, well, you could be the best mother super-star in the world and it still isn't going to be you.

That may be what she has been trying to find in on-line dating. Think about the myth of romance society sells. You and I know a date can't solve her problems or give her what she needs, but she doesn't.

If you could find one adult, any adult, that could give her that sense of safety and eventually earn her trust, you might have a bridge back for her.

I think my hope, then, is that you see if you can help her find that bridge back. Give her a giant menu of options, let her take control of what will happen next in her life, let her choose. Feeling like they have a CHOICE can be a huge gift for kids; I've seen it often on these boards that CHOICE was the entire difference for a child between checking out, and managing their way through a really tough spot.

Don't threaten. Don't give ultimatums. Tell her that you wish she felt she could trust you, but you know that she doesn't. Tell her that you want the best life possible for her, that as much as you wish you could you can't make it happen, but you will help her take the next step if she is willing. Then tell her give her a list of possible next steps that you think might work for her. Pay attention to her reactions, let her sit with all the ideas for a while. Don't push; just listen. Let her CHOOSE.

I really hope you can make progress. This isn't going to just solve; coming back is too hard. There were so many times when my son was growing up that I saw him start to turn, it terrified me, but somehow we always worked it out. We were lucky. And we got really good information and appropriate support at all the most crucial junctions. There were a lot of rough years but he got where he needed to, and he is doing really well. But I can see so easily how it could have been different, how it could have been me sitting where you are now.