I think ASD dad is in denial or maybe I'm confused

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So when I met my fiancé he told me that his son was autistic but "pretty mild". That didn't matter to me either way, I didn't have an issue dating a man with an autistic child. But when I met his son a few months into our relationship I figured out pretty quickly that he is severely autistic. I was thinking he probably tried to make it seem different because he was worried about what I would think. Anyway, fast forward two years down the road we are now living together with his son and my two children and life is, for the most part, pretty good. But he still says things about his son's autism that confuse me a little bit. I have done a TON of reading on ASD since I met him and I think he is in denial. Or maybe I'm completely wrong... someone tell me.

His son is 11. He is non verbal and basically non communicative period. He just kind of walks around in his own little world and for the most part, pays no attention to any of us. He will sit at the dinner table with my kids and eat (or throw food all over) and never acknowledge that they are even there. If anyone tries to talk to him he just stares off in another direction and walks away. It is sad. It's hard to form a relationship with him when there's no response back. So here's where I'm lost and getting frustrated- My fiancé tells everyone that his son acts like a typical kid besides the fact that he doesn't talk (which is not true at all). He also tries to force him to be a "typical" kid and it never ends well. For example, he wants him to be involved and a part of everything my children do. So he will tell them to take "Jack" outside to play with them and tells my young son to play cars with "Jack" or take him in your room and watch cartoons with him. I completely understand him WANTING his son to be involved in typical kid stuff. And my kids try their best to include him. They are always saying "come play with us" or "come sit down on the couch for movie night with us" but if they try to push him into it he turns violent!!

And here's the thing, his son has ZERO interest in doing any of those things. He doesn't play with toys. He doesn't watch TV. He doesn't want anything to do with other kids no matter how hard they try. And my fiancé gets frustrated with MY kids for not including him! It's sad... I know he wants this so badly but it's just not happening no matter how hard we try. His son would rather walk back and forth in the living room all night patting his head and stimming with a water bottle. I'm not being mean when I say that, it's the truth. There has not been one time in the past two and half years that he has shown any interest in doing any of the "typical" kid stuff his father is trying to push him to do.

I feel like a horrible person when I try to get through to my fiancé that he has expectations that are never going to be met. The other kids try to include him all the time and he just doesn't respond or gets frustrated and aggressive. There's nothing else we can do. He's not going to ride a bike with them, or color, or do any of those things. It sucks but that's the truth. And I am not going to let my kids feel bad or like it is their fault that he won't do these things!! So what the hell do I do??

I do understand perfectly what you are conveying.

I knew a kid like that, too, growing up. He was nonverbal, uninterested in other people, and stimmed like crazy. We had to make sure he didn't run into the street!

He, and your stepson, are severely classically autistic.

Autism is a spectrum. If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. All autistic kids cannot be treated the same.

What your husband is trying to do, in my opinion, is hammer in a square peg into a round hole.

What sort of school is the 11-year-old going to?

What sort of therapy is the 11-year-old receiving. Has something like PECS been introduced to him?

What I think you folks should do, really, is to try to get him an Augmentative/Alternative Communication Device. Perhaps he can communicate through the device, or through PECS, much better than he can communicate "conventionally."

And don't expect him to be able to "hang out" with the other kids in a conventional manner--though it's good for him to be included in the other kids' activities whenever possible.

It doesn't mean he's a bad kid....but he is what he is. And he needs appropriate therapy catered to his needs, rather than denial.

I'm glad I'm not crazy. I have read so much info on ASD and clearly my stepson has severe autism. I have no question about that. He HAS run out into the street before. When we are in public we have to watch him every second to make sure he doesn't walk up to strangers and poke them. He is in no way like a typical 11 year old boy.

And I absolutely agree. I always want him to be included with the other kids. But expecting them to be able to force him to play or interact is crazy. It's not going to happen. He doesn't know how to hold a crayon, much less color. He trips when he walks, my son can't teach him how to ride a bike. I wish those things COULD happen.

He goes to an ABA school during the day and does OT therapy twice a week... I've never heard of PECS but I'm going to look into it!

He has a program on his ipad that he is supposed to be able to point to pictures to tell us what he wants or why he is upset. My fiancé says he knows how to use it and it helps but in the past two years we've tried over and over "Jack what do you want? Point to it. What is wrong?" He just stares at the ipad and starts pointing to every random thing on the screen...

You should also post in the "Classic Autism, PDD-NOS, etc" thread located within this same Parents' Subforum.

I wish there was more activity there--but tell your story there (in a slightly different form), and perhaps you'll get responses from these parents, whose children have rather severe classical autism.

You should read the entire thread, come to think of it. I believe you'll get excellent ideas from that thread.

Your husband should really take an extremely active role in his therapy, if he isn't already. And communicate what the therapists convey to him--to you. Communication is essential.

Hi, I am a parent of an aspie singleton, so I am probably not the best person to tell you the range of benefits and costs of having an autistic sibling. When parents with multiples post, they will be much better sources for that than I would be, which is why I hadn't posted on the other thread.

I would guess, no matter what, your kids will miss out on something, but you don't, despite what your fiance says, have to make it everyone or no one to everything. I understand his perspective, but I don't see any point in making your kids miss out on things because his son would be tortured by the same experience. While he does have to get used to doing things he does not like, and going places he does not want to go, nothing can be gained by wholesale insisting he goes to everything no matter how tortuous to him. It should be a scaffolded process for him.

It also does not make sense to me that your kids should miss out on everything either. Even NTs have different social circles and different favorite activities. Like I say, I don't have multiple kids, but I would not make NT sibs share friends or all activities either.

If I did have other kids I don't think I would force everyone to do everything together. In fact, I am pretty sure I wouldn't b/c we sometimes split off so that one parent can do something that cannot be done otherwise. My husband and I have often taken separate turns to watch the same movie. Sometimes it is a different movie. When our son was younger, we would take turns eating in a restaurant when he got fussy. You get the idea.

There are certain things we don't do as a family b/c they don't lend themselves to this method, but you can often do more than you think.

As to what your kids think, I would ask them. I am not saying they get to make the final call, but I would want to know what their feelings were by asking open-ended, non leading questions. Maybe they have more positives or negatives than you know about, and I think it would be good to know their thoughts.

It was great of you to respond.