Teenage Anger, Anxiety and Constant Complaining

Post Reply New Topic

I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug. This sounds so much like what my son was going through and he was headed for suidical thoughts too, if I didn't do something drastic. I'm sorry you are still triggered by your old school. That just goes to show how abusive the whole situation is. The week before my son's final year in public school, before I pulled him, I remember driving to the school to pick up his school supplies for the coming year, and I just started bawling in the car, the closer I got to that school, and I realized that it felt like being in an abusive relationship that you feel you are trapped in. At that time I didn't really know I could just leave, or I was afraid to. I was afraid of doing the wrong thing for him, of somehow ruining things for him going forward.

Mama_to_Grace, some of the background is giving me a more complete sense of her personality and a lot of it sounds so familiar. I am certainly on the spectrum myself, but, like your daughter was at first, I had an almost pathological need to be a perfect student. It was really unhealthy and self-destructive but of course nobody ever had a problem with it because I was quiet, didn't make any trouble, and got all my work done. You create these cycles of being PERFECT and then burning out... crashing and burning... and the resulting depressive phases can be just brutal. Is it possible she is cycling through phases of almost manic control, vs now where she is at a low, feeling completely incapable, so why even try? I could certainly relate to that. I didn't see depression as a possibility in the original post because it sounded more like refusal/defiance, but certainly depression can make you feel like everything is impossible and mustering the will to TRY is like being asked to climb Mount Everest. Unfortunately, the best treatment for this is to "try anyway" and plow your way through how horrible you feel and how much you think you suck at everything you're doing, and reminding yourself that your self-assessment is not rational.

I also relate very well to the catastrophic thinking. That type of thinking led me to give up driving for almost 20 years. I couldn't trust other drivers not to make mistakes, and I was too painfully aware of how NOT in control I was. It's a very lonely and miserable mindset to be in because you become convinced that you are just a "broken" person and that there is no possible way to be fixed.

When I first realized my son was having lots of OCD-type thoughts, we watched a reality show (on YouTube) together called "OCD Bootcamp" or something like that. It follows a group of young adults who go to an intense therapeutic retreat with other OCD people, and therapists who are there to help them open up about their irrational fears and thoughts, and to try to take the power away from those thoughts and the control they have over their lives. One of the things I really took away from it was that one of the mantras they had most of the kids repeat was "something might happen." Yes, something awful MIGHT happen. Probably not, but it MIGHT. But it won't be because of anything you DO or DON'T do. My son was really struck by how completely stuck these young adults were... their entire lives had been consumed by their irrational thoughts and rituals. It didn't matter that they KNEW they were being irrational. Their need to hang onto this fantasy of preventing bad things, bad feelings, had actually become a self-fulfilling prophecy where their entire existence was self-torture.

I can understand why she doesn't want to leave the house right now, if she is feeling such a lack of control outside of that environment. And she's probably feeling very alone in her fears and anxiety. When working with my son, it's been helpful to think of that part of his brain as, basically, a bully. Creating these impossible rules and throwing up these anxieties so that he can't get on with his life.

I agree that it does sound as though there's a certain level of PTSD. And certainly she's aware that her former classmates are continuing on while she is falling "behind". She probably feels like, Why Bother, especially if she already has an impossible standard she has set for herself as the definition of "success".

One thing that sticks out to me is that you are also worried about her falling behind. She can probably pick up on this and there is probably a palpable air of anxiety around her education in general right now. This need to "stay on track" and catch up in reading and so on. I have gone through this with my son, in regards to writing. He is *so* far behind. This year finally I took a deep breath and asked myself why I was making such a big deal out of it. I was still trying to hold him to some imaginary standard that related to same-age peers who were still in the school system. But why? For what purpose? What was I trying to prove? All the anxiety and his hyper-awareness of being a total "failure" at writing in public school had utterly convinced him that he "couldn't" write.

I would focus more on those subjects were she can feel confidence-- like math-- and allow her to feel that success, while in the background you only very GENTLY re-introduce her to the areas where she is "behind" (like reading), and stop worrying about where she "should" be. I know it's easier said than done, but it's a relief. If she refuses the language exercise, and it's a real challenge for her, then she needs something simpler, even if it seems like she "should" be able to do it or if going to a more basic level seems like baby work. If I thought about where my son "should" be in writing in 4th grade, I would feel totally defeated, and so would he. I know he's not up to it. (I also disagree with the way they force writing on kids, but that's a different topic). I also have very strong feelings with the way reading is forced on kids. Kids shouldn't fear or dislike reading, but the way it's taught is going to cause that feeling in kids who aren't instantly good at it. Find something for her to read that is NOT overwhelming, even if it seems WAYYYYY too "simple", and make it part of her routine. Does she like comic books? Internet? Recipes? Magazines? How about something related to her interest in medical procedural shows? It doesn't have to be grade level. It just has to fit her skill-level and be engaging to HER.

I'm so glad you found an awesome tutor for her. That's a huge plus.

If she likes history, you might consider combining that and reading? My son and I are doing Joy Hakim's 10-volume history of America this year, and we LOVE it. It's very engaging and has lots of great pictures and sidebars, so it's not like a dense, boring text at all. Maybe that's something you (or the tutor) could read together, with her only having to read very small amounts at any given time, while you do most of the reading as she follows along.

Anger is an emotion fit only for those with power, preferably those who have earned it. This is emphatically not a teenager's case. If anything, what they should be made to feel instead is fear. They really need to know their place and who's boss.

I agree with carpenter_bee.

I don't know what your state requires, but I would really step back everything that is not in her wheelhouse at this point. If you have to cover certain things, or if your worry is getting her into a habit of thinking she can only do preferred subjects, like I was worried about with my son, you can adapt things to be more palatable.

If you have a box curriculum they are probably integrating active reading tips throughout each text in all subjects. I don't use a box curriculum and the texts I use do that, so I am making that assumption about what you have. I find that really nice for working on reading comp through other subjects.

The school system where I am, uses AR to attempt to get kids to work on reading comp through books of their choice, but because of the testing it ends up to a point ruining reading anyway. I don't grade reading comp like that.

We have Fun Fridays where I try to do fun things in most subjects, and for language arts we read a book --chapter by chapter. Right now we are doing Harry Potter, and I have him read it to me, and I ask him questions as we go, to check comprehension and to give him practice going back to the text to support his answers. He hates to do that b/c he thinks it does not count if he does not remember it, and his recall is not especially good for fiction.

This way I can really see what he is having issues with in a low key way(some of it is paying attention to boring parts, a lot of it has to do with inferring people's motivations) I don't really expect good answers for the questions where I know autism is the issue --but I like to try to plant seeds of social knowledge.

I also give him a lot of free reading time as filler that is not tested so if he wants to hyperlexically scan text instead of reading for comprehension to decompress, I am OK with that. Plus this way, if it turns out he ends up hating Harry Potter, at least I won't kill reading as a whole for him.

I also test for spelling, even though he does not need it ---for confidence and as a way to introduce new vocabulary, since in terms of fiction we can't do anything too thematically complex or emotive. (I am taking a risk with Harry Potter, but I am hoping if we do one book a year, he will grow into the darker books) He doesn't get a lot of new vocabulary from fiction. We emphasize a lot of non-fiction, because we can work on the same skills with material that is easier for him to understand.

I also try to shove math into other topics like art when applicable.

Side note to carpenter_bee: I really wish we could do Joy Hakim, but even that is too much for us. Social Studies is our hardest thing--which is sad for me b/c I used to love it -- We have had to do Crash Course with John Green on YouTube and this year we introduced Horrible Histories (I am surprised that was not too gross for him, and he does skip over the grossest stuff--but he is willing to read more of it than I thought he would)

In addition, another thought for social studies is economics --not business or personal finance, but economics. It is heavy on the math and light on social content. We spiral through this towards the end of each year, after we run through what we are supposed to be covering in history/civics.

The thing is-for a year and a half I haven't concerned myself with her falling behind. So I really backed off "requiring" anything. She was uncomfortable with tests so the tutor and I said ok, no tests. She hasn't read any book on her own since 1st grade, when she "lost" her desire/ability to read. Prior to that, books were her favorite thing and we read books all the time. Now she gets agitated if you even SUGGEST she read a book. So I don't push.

The curriculum we are using is Oak Meadow, which is very good-I have no complaints. It integrates the subjects to engage better. The tutor reads the assigned books to my daughter. Even that is difficult. Without complete silence and total concentration (hard to sustain) my daughter cannot understand what is being read. This has been a long standing problem. That's a whole other thread.

I don't pressure her or tell her she's falling behind. BUT I do let her know that she must participate with the tutor in the homeschooling process. #1 It's expensive #2 You can't opt out of education in my opinion. I don't guilt her or threaten her but I think she should know that there is a minimal amount she is expected to do in this regard. If she wants to skim through all subjects but math and spend a whole day doing math they can do that-but the tutor is pretty smart and knows to use the math as an incentive to work through as much as possible on the other subjects.

I guess she could be depressed. It does feel like that at times. She cries sometimes and complains of being "lonely". Yet she won't reach out to anyone. Moms of other kids don't really invite us anywhere anymore because of all the times we say no. When this stomach/anxiety cycle started, I stopped being able to entice my daughter to go out places as often.

The counselor said I need to find something she can feel successful in-and I've been on the lookout for something I can get her involved in where she can feel some success which might motivate or inspire her to pull out of this. This summer I successfully enticed her to go to a cooking class held at a community center near our home. It was mostly younger kids and my daughter said it was "too easy". I am always on the lookout for things she could engage in.

If she is that disengaged, I think depression might be a good fit, unfortunately. I would really focus on anything where you see any spark of excitement and try to get her to build on it--even apart from school. Does she like YouTube? Mys on picks up a lot of his interests from there.

When you say she does not read books, you mean fiction only? She will read her school non-fiction reading material? If she has not done fiction since 1st grade, I would not push that either, though I might have some Sir Circumference books conveniently located just in case she wants to pick one up. It may be too babyish for her mathwise, but the fiction is really thinly veiled math instruction. Maybe there is something more advanced like that.

I have heard good things about Oak Meadow. I have not tried it b/c it is really pricey, and I find we have to regularly discard and change things around to get our son to do it.

I'm pretty sure a person can be angry even if they are powerless. In fact, powerless people are often some of the angriest, and rightly so.

The fact that she used to love books but now won't have anything to do with them, makes it sound as though it was "ruined" for her by whatever method they used at the school they used to attend. That's such a shame. But it gives me hope that she USED to enjoy reading or being read to. That indicates that the basic enjoyment could still be in there, hiding, if only you can help undo the damage that was done by the school. It makes me so angry the way that schools wreck the potential joy of reading for so many kids. >:(

Again, I compare this to what happened with my son and writing. They so completely ruined it for him. What I wound u doing was eliminating any kind of writing expectation for an entire YEAR. NOTHING. That way, any writing he did was completely voluntary (like, for his own personal stuff outside of school hours). This allowed him to "rediscover" writing as something that was not going to automatically flood him with anxiety. Now, this year, I have started him on a very basic writing program that is WAY below his grade-level, but which is extremely gentle and encouraging and I'm being SO careful not to PUSH it even when it starts to feel as though I could bump him up a level. I feel as though you might do the same kind of approach with reading. If it's possible, eliminate all reading constraints from her curriculum, other than reading TO her. Let her experience the joy of books without any kind of expectations on her, so that all she need do is passively listen and enjoy. It sounds as though she may be reluctant at this point to even participate in that, so the books you choose will have to be chosen carefully for maximum interest to her. Only when she is beginning to enjoy books again should you think about reintroducing her to reading as something to work on in her curriculum. Just my opinion.

Try being angry to the face of someone who can beat the s**t out of you—they'll beat the s**t out of you.

Well no s**t they probably will, that's why I try to avoid such people.