Time management

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How do you get your hfa teen to keep a schedule? Mine struggles a lot with this at school and at home. He doesn't like to use a planner or calendar as he's dyslexic with horrible handwriting. We have been unable to find any app he will follow through using. He just wants to do what he wants to do and if I'm not right behind him hounding him about homework chores and errands he will not do it. As soon as I turn away he's back to "organizing" magic cards or just finishing this one game or video that takes FOREVER. I'm exhausted from trying to get him to do what needs to be done, and trying to teach him after that stuff is done we can have free time. You can't really plan out every single minute of the day. I try to set it up as if he will be rewarded with favorite past times as long as responsibility comes first but it's still not working. Am I not being strict enough? I feel like I'm not trying hard enough but I don't know what else to do he's 15 already he should be getting more of this by now. Any favorite apps or strategies that work for you? Thanks in advance. : )

If he is very resistant on planners/apps, I would give up on that.
These don't work for some people.
I never use them and find them a waste of time.

To me, the main problem from your description seems to be your son not prioritizing responsible things like homework and chores, or not having self-control to delay fun things that he likes doing.
I don't know how specifically to deal with this, but I think the path forwards is (1) learning responsibility for himself, and (2) learning better self-control.
He is only 15, so he still has time to mature in these directions, with your help.

I'm a lot like your son. It's very annoying but reminders always help. What works for me :
- reminders and alarms ;
- turning off the phone and any source of distraction (if he's got a TV in his room and watches it, maybe he shouldn't have a TV in his room, or he should work in another room) ;
- keeping the computer on (and I personally find it easier to type texts on a computer, it's more frustrating on paper) but install apps or browser add-ons like LeechBlock (Firefox) or nuclear option on StayFocusd (Chrome) ;
- limit apps on the computer by preventing him from logging in as admin ;
- closing shutters on windows, because if you've got attention deficit, birdwatching automatically becomes your favourite activity and you don't want that to happen every time you must work ;
- let your son alone in the room ; people coming and going is very distracting, even more if they speak. Pets are distracting too, so no pets. Same with talk shows and news on the radio, but music or anything without voice is generally fine and can even help staying focused by improving the mood.

Allow plenty of time for whatever needs doing and then double it. No easy answer though. At age 16 my son needed to be driven the short distance to school in order to make sure he got there. As it was GCSE Maths I knew it mattered. Thanks to me he got there in the nick of time and is now at university about to embark on Computer Science for a PhD. Along the way he has, with my help and that of the university (Southampton) learned to use timetables. And now phones me to make sure I have caught the bus, ready to leave etc etc! Just keep going!! ! It used to take us an hour to leave the house, now he is waiting for me...

Would he like to be better organized? Does he feel his distraction is harming his own goals? Does he have a reason to WANT to stay on task?

If you can't answer yes to those questions, you aren't going to succeed in helping him. He has to WANT to do it. If he doesn't, job number 1 is selling him on why he should.

Once you both have the same goals you can partner in trying out different solutions. Let him brainstorm with you. Let him tell you what things you do that he finds helpful, and which just stress him out more (which is counter productive).

With all of this you have to recognize that he may not be in the developmental space he needs to be, and that is something you cannot force. You can't think of him as a 15 year old on a skill or trait where it turns out he is developmentally more like an 8 year old. The world may not be willing to slow down and help him with those gaps, but you will have to. Make sure you have a good idea of where he IS while deciding how to approach the problem. If he needs to home school at his own pace until he has the developmental readiness for high school focus and organization, then you should consider it.

I found with my son that letting go and letting him lead me was always more successful than me holding on tight and trying to lead him. It can be a tough flip to make, but you have to if you are going to succeed. That doesn't mean I was never an intense helicopter parent, but when I was it was because he agreed that was what was needed in order to fill in a gap him and I both saw.

If you read this and don't think your child has the self-awareness and cognitive ability to help with the process, then I think it is safe to assume that he isn't developmentally ready to understand what you are asking of him, in which case you really should just stop hitting your head against the wall and accept what is. For now.

My son is in college and I am super proud of the responsible and organized person he has grown up to be. But it was not always like that; not by a long shot. He really struggled until he was 17 or so, when something finally started to click. During the worst years, cutting back on class load and getting him into an equivalent of a study hall at school was super helpful: he felt programmed to do school work while at school, and could focus without being tempted to enjoy a hobby or obsession. Definitely something to consider. Even now, my son plans his day to complete his schoolwork when on campus, so that minute he is back at his apartment it is personal time; those location associations are really important to him. I managed his calendar during the rough years because he just didn't have it, but one summer he decided it would be fun to create a program on his computer that would do it for him (because he is severely disgraphic he was allowed a laptop all day at school). Since it was his own creation, he quickly married himself to it. And so on. We figured out where the gaps were and came up with strategies to fill them.

Is your son getting accommodations for disgraphia?

My (mostly) NT daughter, by the way, does homework with videos on and doodles all day in class. She has to split her attention to stay focused. Some of her teachers have questioned it, but she can quickly prove to them that she has heard and learned EVERYTHING. Whatever works.

I know it is hard and frustrating but he WILL continue to develop and mature and, in doing so, hopefully send some of these issues off into history.

Have you tried Habitica.com? Its not going to work if he's not into it, but if he finds it's fun, it could. Its a game-based productivity tool, aimed at adults.

15 is a ruff age for boys and executive functioning. There's a developmental leap and way too much testosterone messing with their neurons. They typically start coming around at age 17, so there's that to look forward to. I'm not saying he'll be great, but it will likely be an improvement.

I was terrible at scheduling. Still am. It got better over time just gradually. But honestly, I still really have a hard time keeping my s**t together.

One thing my parents did for me was refuse to keep my schedule for me. My grades were my grades. They let me fail if I didn't keep track of my assignments. So, I had a lot of hard lessons, and a lot of practice before going out into the world. It is a skill you can improve. And as a person with a high IQ, they let me figure out what was going to work for me. I had no idea that other people's parents were doing all this stuff for them. Looking back, as a 41 year old, I'm rather proud of them for that particular parenting move. I was a special ed kid. They could have coddled me all the way through. I wounder where I would be now if they did.

I think you really have to known your child on this. I did take over things for my son for a while (mostly middle school), but he never took it for granted, and worked hard to show me he was ready to take it all back from me. To me, since the difficulties were developmental, there was no lesson he could learn from failing; failing was just going to set him back from being able to get the education his natural IQ was hungry for. I did let him flounder a little because there is no other way to learn certain life skills, and it did mean he is at a less prestigious university than he might have been able to thrive at. I think that is his only regret now that he is in college and realizing just how capable he actually he is: that he deprived himself of a more challenging education. But, at some point you do need to let your kids connect the dots for themselves, and I think we find the right balance for him. He has been really fortunate overall with the way things have turned out and I am proud of his independent attitude (he hasn't allowed me to do things for him for years, and is now trying to take over his own living expenses at school, as well).