Is it 'fair' to have kids? - wannabe Asperger mom

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Hi guys,
I was just wondering if any of you have some advice for me. I'm a dutch woman of 27 years old,
and I have Aspergers. I'm starting to reach an age where I'd have to decide whether I want kids or
not and I am in a dillemma because I have autism. My intelligence is fine, but I am a very sensitive
person. I have trouble with strong smells, loud sounds and anxiety. My boyfriend is 'normal' though,
and he said he wanted to have a child when the time is right. The problem is.. how do you know when
the time is right? I had a puppy once, and she was kind of hyper (or I experienced it that way) and
I got so tired that I had to give her to a family member because I just couldn't take it anymore.
I'm afraid this will happen with a baby or toddler that is dependent upon me. I do have a great support
system though - medical help in my country is fine and I have parents who could babysit, but its not
really fair to push your children onto other people I'd recon. Yet, like almost every woman,
I would love to have a child. How do you guys handle this? Any advice? Sorry for any bad english

Thanks a bunch!

I'm not on the spectrum (that I know of), but I've had both dogs and cats as a single person and now I'm married wth children (still have a dog). There is no comparison in terms of how you feel about your children versus how you feel about an animal. Most parents, especially mothers, are capable of superhuman patience with their children, whether or not the parent is on the spectrum. Something about having a child multiplies your patience and tolerance times 1000. That doesn't mean that you're perfect, but I wouldn't look at your reaction to the puppy as proof that you'd be a bad mom or end up giving your child away (or sincerely wanting to give her away, we all have those stressed out moments when the thought crosses our minds. )

So, I can't answer your question directly; I don't know if anyone can. But, I just wanted to say that if you think you have ever loved an animal, what you'll feel for your children will likely eclipse that in extremely dramatic fashion, and you'll be capable of things that you never ever dreamed that you could do! Good luck!

Thank you for your kind words! This really helped me.

Hi Dutchie, your question is so touching. I will tell you what my own mother reassured me when I had the same question (I would say I have BAP): life is a gift. I can tell you also that my daughter has aspergers and depression (maybe I do have it too, she is so like me as a child), but that she wouldn't choose to not be here for a second. She does love, and learn, and laugh! When she was a baby she cried so much, I was sure she hated me for having brought her here. But I don't question it anymore. She has challenges, life isn't easy. But she is beautiful and I believe she will be more than okay.

If you are capable of giving love and putting someone else's needs ahead of your own, then you are capable of being a good enough mother. None of us know how well we'll do beforehand (or how well we are doing in the middle of it), so saying "good enough" isn't personal; it is just all one can worry about going into motherhood. As long as you believe you can be good enough, there is no reason to worry about bringing children into this world.

Knowing ahead of time where some of the challenges might be will help you mitigate them. I understand a lot of Aspie parents have issues with the sensory aspects of parenting, but if you have a supportive and available partner, you may be able to adjust the workload so that you've minimized your exposure to those. You can also arrange childcare in advance so that you will have the breaks you are likely to need. And so on. Reading the "Parents on the Spectrum" stickie, above, should give you a feel for what some of the common challenges are.

There is no way to know exactly what your unique experience will be like, but that is the part of the challenge and beauty of life. If you decide to have children, you will let go of a lot of things; you will have to. It does change everything, but not in a bad way. You will create your own unique style of motherhood and find your own way; you don't have to worry about "fair." Any child that is wanted is likely to end up having it good enough.

It's never fair to have children: you bring them into a world that is full of expectations and difficulty without being able to ask their consent in advance. I'd genuinely rather not have been brought into the world despite having objectively above average parents (not because of my autism, before anyone starts blaming it on that) and I know a lot of more intelligent and successful people who feel the same.

That said, there's no reason you would be any worse than a neurotypical person just because you have ASD. The right time means when you have a) financial resources b) as few other external stressors as possible c) as much external support as your likely to have and d) you are still young enough to be likely to be able to avoid issues of your own.

The only thing I'd add is please, please don't get stuck in the analysis. Intelligent planning is a good thing - thinking about finances, family/community support, personal support/coping mechanisms is important. But trusting yourself is, too. The most important component, IMO, is your co-parent. If you don't feel secure there, then I think you'll want to consider your family/community supports more critically. Kids tend to expect to have two extremely capable parents. If one is known to be non-existent in advance, then the remaining parent will need to compensate on some way.

That being said, there's no great time to have a child. If you think about it too much, you may never do it. Are you a good person? Is having a child important to you? Can you sacrifice your personal need for the child's benefit? Will you fight for yourself and/or your child? Do you have others who will fight for you/support you? Is your partner similarly engaged? And if not, are you okay with doing it alone or with your personal support network?

If the answers to the above are yes, you're good to go, imo.

blah an blah
don't make trophee childs neither, they'r not your property, never, how well you might have planned it

let's get all jehova's-billgatesy, no kids for poor-thirdworld-them's
how generous, how christian,
who's gonna judge on this
the accountability-scripturemachine?

I agree with pddtwinmom. I have way more patience with my kids than with any other kids or any pets. I am BAP, but I can get overloaded and tend to need a lot of time to myself compared to other people. Even with that, I can maintain my patience with my kids. And my kids were VERY needy and dependent when they were infants and toddlers. I will admit that sometimes I lose my cool, but honestly, I think that happens less to me than it does to a number of NT moms I know. Plus, I think the fact that I am atypically wired has made me particularly well-suited to raise my atypically wired kids. I "get" things that their dad can't understand. He never will. Even though he loves them. But he has never had to function with their neurology.

If you want to have kids, have a committed partner, have financial resources, and have a support system, then I think it is absolutely fair for you to have kids. People with less have kids all the time. Not that I am advocating for that. But if you have those things, and it sounds like you do, you will be starting off ahead of many other parents.

The fact that you are asking makes me think that you will be a good parent. The worst parents are the ones who always just assume that they will be/are great parents without ever stopping to think that maybe they won't be/aren't.

If you decide parenting is right for you

Accept the child might not be as high functioning as you and might have to work harder to help your child.
Get therapy for the strong smells I think occupational therapists might have some ideas
Also I read a long thread of people complaining about their Asperger parents and honestly most of the complaints really didn't fit Asperger's.

here are ways to save money not sure they would work in your country but.

1. find a mentor to teach you things like how to change a diaper. poopy diapers have strong smells and must be changed.
2. Make friends with salivation army store or other good charity thrift stores. I bought 50$ pants for around 3 or four.
I teach my kids early that we can afford the more expensive clothes but this way we can spend money on other things. If you can't find a good charity store have a good free swap. My church did something like this and it was fun,
2. Make friends with library hoopla has an app for free books on tape
3. Netflix or Amazon prime instead cable
4. Join sams club or Costco it saves money and they both have cheap snack cart which is a good alternative to eating out for a family.

hi, I just wanted to say, I have three, I only got my diagnosis this year.
My kids are the most important thing in my life, I will put myself through hell (parents consultation at school in that massive crowd, those sticky hands. vomit on me. just to name a few) I still have meltdowns, I still get depressed. sometime there a days that last forever. But id do it all again, I tell them every day that I love them, and they know I'm not a 'normal' mum. Just because you have Asperger's doesn't mean you cant be a mum, it just means you might have to do a bit more research about things the NT moms do automatically. Some stuff will be a challenge but you'll find work arounds, (face mask for the dirty nappies and latex gloves tip 275 ) And my 11yr old still moans because I wont buy chocolate spread (its nasty and looks like dog poop) Just remember to ask for help from your support network, I found just having someone in the room while I was with the baby, helped me feel calmer because if I got confused someone could gently say 'yeah the wipes are on the sofa'
We may do our stuff differently, but a child responds best to love, and the love will make it so you can do this stuff.

and on a side note I don't like other peoples children and I refuse to have anything to do with them, my kids can come to me with sticky fingers and snotty noses, loud noises and all the rest, but I cant tolerate it from other peoples