How to best help BF's son?

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Hello everyone...I'm new here, but would LOVE to hear some advice. I've been dating a wonderful man for the past year, and we look at this being long-term. His 14 year old son has aspergers. As a teacher, I have some experience was kids on the spectrum, although admittedly, this doesn't compare to being the child's parent.
He's a great kid, and I enjoy being around him...but I often think his dad is in a bit of denial. While he doesn't have the most severe case of ASD that I've ever witnessed, based on what I'm seeing I often wonder if he's going to have the "life" that dad seems to think he will. He talks about him driving in a couple of years and going off to college some years after that. As a teacher at his school, based on observations made by both myself and some of his teachers, these are things that just may not happen. I also notice his dad getting more and more aggravated lately by the fact that his son seems to be in his head a lot and not really paying attention to what's going on around him, which I know is typical.
I guess my question is, how can I best support both my BF and his son without overstepping? I don't know how his mom handles things in her house, so I'm only seeing part of what goes on.

Thank you!! !

Honestly, I think you let it go. If it turns out differently than your bf expects, than he can deal with it as the time grows neigh. We have contingency ideas planned, for example--such as online (legitimate) college and that kind of thing, for example, but we really are not going to know all of our options, until it comes time.

If his son fails his driving test, or it is not safe to take one, it is not the end of the world. If he does not follow the typical path, well then he doesn't.

Your bf's son may or not be ready, so if it makes you feel better, you can keep an eye out for the various options, so you can suggest them if things don't work out as planned. Being a teacher, you are probably in a good position to know what is available educationally. You might also know what accommodations there might be for SATs, and that kind of thing that will be helpful, if needed.

I don't think a lot can be served by bursting your bf's bubble, unless he directly asks what you think. As time draws closer, he may develop doubts, or his son might; or maybe they have them now, but they are afraid to vocalize them for fear of actualizing them. I don't think that is a rational thing to do, but I don't think it will hurt anything. In any event, his son could have a spurt of developmental growth between now and then, that makes it all doable, with scaffolding or not.

I guess I am wondering what your goal is? Are your trying to get them to plan now for a plan B, or do you just feel like it is easier to deal with ahead of time vs. it being a surprise?

I was going to say something similar to ASDMommyASKKid. I think it's o.k. as it is. I think it's fine that the father is assuming there will be a level of competency for the drivers test, or college. If the kid is not ready, then he will know that then. It's o.k. The kid may be ready, or he may be ready just a few years after a neurotypical kid, or maybe at age 30. I think it's better (for the kid) for the father to assume that his son will reach these milestones, than to assume these dreams are out of reach. But, yeah, I guess it would be helpful for you to keep other options in mind. I bet the mother has ideas too.

I get worried about my kid not paying attention to things around him too (not even my ASD kid, my, older, ADHD kid) It worries me about him traveling alone to the store, or something. He is walking himself to and from middle school. This may be why the father worries, he's worried about his son becoming more independent, and being vulnerable due to lack of attention. So, maybe don't tell the father that you think there is no way the kid will be ready for college/ driving in the time frame the dad expects, but remind the father that he is, also, developing on his own time line, which is not a typical time line.

Thanks for the replies! I guess my question was geared not so much towards bursting dad's bubble, but more because I wonder if dad's expectations for his son cause his son unneeded stress. I'm not privy to his accommodations or anything like that, but I am present for some conversations that he has with his son. He tends to go on and on about driving in a couple of years and things he needs to prepare for when it comes to college. Sometimes it does seem to stress his son out.
Then again, you're right in that it's not really my "problem". Maybe it's the teacher in me that makes me concerned sometimes. Haha

Sometimes out loud I talk about things that, in my head, I know may not happen for my kids. I do this for a couple of reasons 1) Just because I think they may not happen doesn't mean they won't, but if I tell my kids I don't think they will ever happen, I might create a self-fulfilling prophesy, 2) I want my kids to feel competent, so I often talk about things they will do (that they may never). However, I also have conversations with them that let them know that I have no specific path in mind for them. I just want them to be happy, productive, and successful...whatever that means to them. 3) My kids know they are atypically wired. I don't want them focusing on all the things they can't do. I want them to realize that there are many things they can do. When I have conversations with them about age appropriate goals, I do it because I want them to know I believe in them.

And I do believe in them. Though sometimes, in my head, I am aware that some things may never be.

I guess my point is, if you asked your BF, you may find out that he knows these things may not happen, but he is saying them for other reasons. It may not be denial at all. But a strategy.

you could talk with his mom