Please do not judge me :-(

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I am feeling guilty enough that 2 people have told me today that ''I do not understand my Grandson's Autism'' ( He lives with me and I am his legal guardian and he is 11 years old )

Well I can GET to understand him more which is why I am on here but am feeling pretty vulnerable myself right now as have been through so many NEW emotions recently and I am only human myself doing my utter best to raise this child I love to bits on my own ( with minimal support )

I feel that recently although it is fine for a child to have natural strong feelings of love for a parent my Grandson has absolutely SUDDENLY become obsessed with his Mum

I know he wants to see her because he needs her attention and love BUT for the past 2 years ( when he was forced by the court to see her ) he did not want to to the point of huge meltdowns and not sleeping the night before contact with her ( she is an alcoholic with some mental health issues etc )

He is asking about seeing her about 20 to 40 times a day suddenly and it got better for a while ie eased to less times a day but then it got worse again to the point it is like he thinks of nothing else

I understand he has put her on a pedestal and he misses her now but at the moment even though I am working on it it is hard for me as the amount of times a day plus how obsessed he is plus how much of his heroine and on a super high pedestal she is even though my brain understands it ( to a point ) it actually HURTS MY HEART

It is affecting our relationship as it has been relentless recently from morning till night and he counts the days till he sees her again bless him BUT it feels like he wants the days WE spend together ''out of the way'' and as FAST as possible so he can see his Mum and those days in between do not COUNT and he wants to get them over with ASAP and we used to be sooooooo close and have SO much fun together during the week and now the week is just 'something to get OUT OF THE WAY' till he can see his Mum again and I get feelings like she is a goddess to him and a lot of it may be perfectly natural but it does feel like an obsession now alongside his natural love for his Mum

A dangerous element is she is actively drinking although she can abstain for periods of time and he says ''Mummy better'' and seems to trust that she is well again ( when she isn't ) and of course the protectiveness in me wants to protect him from being dropped from a great height or his bubble bursting but I do feel that his bubble will burst at some point but although it will be painful it is a reality of the true situation as Mummy is sadly not ''better'' which he of course is HOPING she is

I have never come across this level of the strong thoughts and when he will see his Mum again out of his head and he used to go for long periods of time before without seeing her with no problems at all when she was too intoxicated to make it to contact or his Birthday party etc but she is making an effort now even though she still keeps failing her tests for alcohol and she has a baby my Grandsons half Brother on a child protection plan so she is making an effort all round to keep the baby and my Grandson has now come to terms with the new baby and it has taken nearly a year for him to now start having the warm genuine bond feelings towards his Brother but he had A LOT to work through and he only has partial speech

I feel bad I have / had no idea what was going on re the SUDDEN turnaround and change from one extreme to the other of absolutely NOT wanting to see her at ALL to now it is all he can think about it seems BUT it does hurt me and I am only human as I do do everything for him and have raised him for 4 years now and I love him just soooooo much and now I do feel like the second rate skivvy who is just there to do the cleaning and cook the dinner but it's SUDDENLY now there has been this huge turnaround change and I don't fully understand it but I now feel that part of it is natural and especially in puberty but that also it has become a bit of an obsession for him now too..

He was obsessive over a boy at his new secondary school but the boy got fed up of it and I think he told my Grandson to go away and leave him alone and my Grandson started not wanting to go to school for a long while but he does tend to get very attached quickly and obsessed with people or a classmate etc and he gets very hurt when or if they reject him ( or let him down of course )

I am just looking for any advice ( not judgement please ) as I probably have not handled this very well as my own emotions got SO involved but if it hurts it hurts lol and I have been feeling rejected and insecure in our relationship as he is ONLY interested in the activities he is going to do with his Mum and he shows NO interest when I share with him what fun activities we are going to do over the summer and it makes me feel sad

It was never like this for the first 4 years And tbh the first 2 years when he was not seeing her much were BLISS as he was very settled and we became highly bonded with a very solid secure and stable relationship

He does seem to be struggling right now as he can't help it and yet the relief comes when he mentions his Mum over and over but he does not seem as HAPPY as he was before tbh but when the obsession seemed to lessen recently he seemed happier

I do not know what to do as I think it may be cruel to limit the amount of times he mentions his Mum??? BUT 20-40 times a day is tbh literally driving me mad and affecting my own mental health as it is constantly throwing up my own emotions and the added complication is that I do not trust my daughter and therefore have a difficult relationship with her as I do still feel she can emotionally damage her son even though he does not live with her anymore

He says he absolutely wants to live with me and never talks about going home to LIVE with his Mum nor even stay overnight but the actual contact day ahead he is absolutely obsessing about MORE than just ''looking forward to it'' it is like his life depends on it and it is his main or only life aim and joy etc ( but I also want him to be realistic in case she lets him down which is sadly highly likely!! ) xx

I don't know what to say as it is not easy and I have never been a parent or a grandparent.
I know with me I seem to have a lifelong hobby in model trains. It is something I always seem to have had. I wouldn't say I am obsessed, but I do think about them at least once a day or more.... (I may have had the odd day in my life when I didn't think about them). I do not know if this is normal or not. I do not know if I am classed as being on the spectrum. But I do know my two hobbies are almost my life if rhat makes eense. Apart from my faith in God.

Thank you Mountain Goat I am not sure if obsession is the right word but I read it is an obsession if it has a ( negative ) impact on your RELATIONSHIPS and my Grandsons love of washing machines and traffic lights etc is not a problem

I feel he has some emotional difficulties in general due to his family stuff ..

I also feel possibly? ( as I am confused lol ) that actually trying to reduce the frequency of him asking about seeing his Mum might actually help , it would certainly help our relationship and a calmer feeling in the home but I am not sure as 2 other people said that it would not be good to try and stop him mentioning her but I thought if he knew he was on a bit of a 'ration' to regulate it and help settle it down a bit ( and he does seem happier when it is a lower frequency but I may be wrong there too lol ) maybe it would help in general and it would be more BALANCED if he only mentioned it around 2-3 times a day rather than around 20 or more

I AM DREADING THE WEEKENDS as it is more hours at home and much more time to fill with the I feel obsessive asking about his Mum and it was higher when he was off school of course so I am wondering if some sort of distraction technique would work as well???

He does honestly seem calmer when he is mentioning her less ( as am I OF COURSE lol but it makes for a much HAPPIER HOME all round tbh!! ) xx

It did hurt me today when 2 people said I did not understand my Grandsons Autism but I feel they could have worded it better / nicer as in it could be part of his Autism ie the one extreme or other etc but they just could have pointed it out in a nicer way as I already feel inadequate and guilty right now and like a cr*p Grandma!

I am trying to get help for him / us as I am only human too and I want to keep this little family TOGETHER!

When he mentions her less, what is he doing at the time? Is he playing with something he enjoys?

Welcome to Wrong Planet, PammyP.

That is the most heart-rending post I have read in a long time. I can see absolutely no reason that you should reproach yourself (apologies for the judgement despite you asking us not to!) Your love of your grandson is obvious; and you are mourning for the relationship that you once had with him. To be so frank about your own emotions must have been incredibly hard to write, but given such difficult circumstances your feelings seem perfectly understandable. Sadly, support services often recognise too little that autistic people are members of families, and it is the whole family which should be supported, not only the autistic child.

I am not a parent, nor is such attachment to people among my autistic traits; but one thought did come to mind. It may seem a trivial one, and I would not be offended if you consider it irrelevant. My apologies if I have made any incorrect assumptions.

School can be an incredibly exhausting experience for autistic children, even if they are apparently performing well. The social side of the experience is as responsible for this as the schoolwork. This often becomes more of a problem around puberty, when the ways in which peers socialise becomes a lot more complex. The weekends become "battery charging" time with none of those demands and the energy to lavish on pastimes. I'm just wondering if his time with you is predominantly when he has all the pressure of school weighing on him, and "mummy" time is mostly during his relatively stress-free periods. I'm certainly not suggesting that this is the cause of the obsession, but it might be an association which reinforces it.

And as I said earlier, I think you are in a kind of mourning; if you haven't done so already, speak with your GP or parent groups about getting whatever support you can for yourself.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I do not know if I have any good answers. There are two forms of communication. If you grandson can write, then I would recommend that he write letters to his mother which you can put in the mail for him.

Aspies tend to experience quite a bit of stress that can trigger behavioral issues. So the obsessive compulsive behavior that he is exhibiting may be a sign that he is experiencing greater stress. This may be occurring at school. Aspies experience significantly more bullying than average children. In boys this peaks during the Junior High School years, the age of puberty.

Another suggestion is to bring yourself up to speed on the condition. There is a good book out there called "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood.

One other point. Aspies tend to stim when they are excited. When they stim they are the most open to learning. The fact that your grandson mentions his mother over and over and over again, is like a stim. So if you view this obsession, you may find that it is a good motivational tool for your grandson.

Thank you for all your support PLEASE KEEP GIVING IT as I need it still , so much

I have decided that right now it is okay if my priority is MY HEALTH as this has been wearing me down emotionally and I don't want to be a carer who has a breakdown over this due to the very strong emotions involved

I do need to stop being so hard on myself as even though I may not always ''get it right'' my MOTIVE for everything to do with my Grandson IS pure love and I do want to also protect him from any potential harm possible which is part of that love too but also some things he has to ''learn for himself'' eg is his Mum going to be a consistent and reliable stable force in his life and always do him good? She is struggling with her own addictions and poor mental health even though she will not admit it to anyone or if she does is she willing to do the real WORK INVOLVED to beat it all and face her demons?

I ended up with burnout when I was trying to support my Grandson AND my daughter so I have to focus on HIM now

I don't think it is just the 'fun' part of the contact with his Mum which is motivating him to keep mentioning her over and over as we were on HOLIDAY near the beach recently with lots of things to do , saying that is WAS ( meant to be ) a relaxing more unwinding therapeutic holiday more than an ACTIVITY one , so when we were ''chilling'' he was mentioning her more and more and more and she had also given him a phone with about 400 pictures of herself on it so he was scrolling and scrolling through all of them all day..

I felt if you give your son a phone you want it to be HIS phone with HIS CHOICES of photo's on it and he loves taking photo's and you give it to him with a clean slate if it is HIS phone! So I can't say his Mum doesn't actively encourage him as she does and I feel bad for saying it but it is the truth too!! Lol

We DID go on an activity holiday straight AFTER that one ( I am exhausted! Lol ) but it was for children with Autism and their parents or carers and we did SO many activities together that it DID LESSEN his mentioning of his Mum a lot to the point I thought it was 'sorted' and things were pretty much back to normal or heading that way and we had REALLY RE BONDED so when we got home I was happy but once we got home BOOM it started up again and then escalated to worse than ever recently

I think therefore distraction MAY INDEED HELP so that is one of the things I will be doing , we have also agreed that he will limit his mentioning of his Mum as it ''gives Nanny a headache'' if he says ''see Mummy Saturday , see Mummy Saturday'' over and over all day long! So he seemed FINE with that thankfully and he said ''don't say it'' and I said only a LITTLE bit each day , not not at all and he seemed fine with it and when it started up again I distracted him with something on my phone as it was while we were getting ready for school and it WORKED to distract him from it as it seems they are like strong , obsessive thoughts and he went off to school HAPPY today and I felt a lot better today than I did yesterday as whatever is going on I want to help him through it and I also think things with his mum will run their course as she has FULL FREEDOM NOW to either get it right or mess it up again and sadly therefore disappoint her son and the whole family again but I am mainly concerned for her SON and HIS FEELINGS in this as it is vital for his well being and emotional health through puberty that these things are dealt with and dealt with well as to do damage just when he is at his peak of sensitivity in NEEDING HIS MUM AND HER LOVE for her to LET HIM DOWN AGAIN at this stage , well don't expect for him to KEEP putting you on a pedestal when you let him down yourself ..

I think things will run it's course and I also think the excitement of getting her ATTENTION ( WHEN he DOES ) he is obviously naturally lapping it up but we need SOME BALANCE IN THE HOME BETWEEN HIS CONTACT VISITS PLUS I NEED TO REMAIN HEALTHY AS HIS CARER AND THIS WAS HAVING A HUGE IMPACT ON MY EMOTIONAL HEALTH and the feelings of feeling rejected by him and not adored by him any more and being 2nd best , 2nd in line and yet me being the one who does all the work and SOWS ALL THE SEEDS but then someone else is reaping the benefits who sows NO seed apart from some very EXPERT LYING TO EVERYONE INCLUDING HER SON , well you can't keep sowing bad seed and expecting GOOD results but you can't keep sowing GOOD STUFF even when it is as TOUGH AS HELL and then NOT be rewarded with those cuddles around your neck and the kiss which says ''I LOVE you Nanny'' and it is NOT an obsession he has with me thankfully it is good old fashioned healthy LOVE and THIS is what I want for him ie HEALTHY love which DOES NO HARM and this is may aim , so much so that I feel overly guilty if or WHEN I DO get it wrong through being only human but our relationship is intact and that is all that matters and it is what I will KEEP WORKING ON xx

I was thinking I AM THE ONE who needs to SHOW HIM WHAT healthy ADULT love is for his FUTURE relationships and this is possibly the start of that JOURNEY!! x

I am praying.

Thank you Mountain Goat - I have a feeling that when we get through this our relationship will be stronger than ever! x

Not a good evening today , Grandson still obsessing , tried distraction , had minimal effect

He then said something which took me by surprise , he said he does NOT want to go to our holiday chalet with me , nor on holiday with me nor ANYWHERE WITH ME

I was shocked as he has NEVER EVER said anything like this to me before!! !

I think what he was trying to say was ''I want to go on holiday with MY MUMMY AND DO ALL THE FUN STUFF WITH MY MUMMY'' { not you }

But I told him okay I would never force him to go and he can stay with his carer who he is very fond of and I will go away with the dog , suddenly he wanted to come with us on holiday etc but it still HURT

HE WANTS TO BE WITH HIS MUM AND THAT IS NATURAL the problem is I think he KNOWS why he CAN'T be with his Mum but he won't ACCEPT it and he keeps saying ''Mummy is better''

But she PORTRAYS herself as ''better'' so WELL that she has professionals fooled let alone family and her son and she talks about taking him on holiday all the time etc and is building his hopes up but can she 1/ Maintain all this and 2/ Pass her next hair strand test after failing the last 2? and 3/ NOT LET HIM DOWN??? .... The answer to all 3 I feel is a huge NO BUT her son wants to believe all the above and she is THRILLED he wants to see her so much now of course but she is on a pedestal I feel she will fall OFF but the disappointed child will be my responsibility to mend and she does not ''mend'' she ''damages'' and he is FANTASISING about being with her eg on holiday etc which yes is fine but can she stay clean long enough to earn that privilege and if so can she REALLY MAINTAIN IT without dropping him from a great height?..

THE WAY SHE IS GOING she is heading for a fall SOON I feel as she is trying to fool EVERYONE but she is dicing with danger re the drink driving AND still being with the very violent boyfriend who she 'says' she has split up with but she stabbed him once when he went to hit her so she is volatile too and it was her 3rd stabbing so what is it going to take her killing someone???! !

An Autistic child in this environment let alone ANY child including my baby Grandson who is STILL THERE??

But no even if my Grandson does not want to live with her ( currently but that is probably coming?! ! lol ) and he just wants to do the FUN STUFF with her ( and not with me any more sadly!! ) can she MAINTAIN it without disappointing him and letting him down? NO I feel anyway as she is not getting treatment for it ie her alcoholism and she is managing to hoodwink the professionals along with her son but if she WAS in a real and active recovery then it would not BE SO BAD having a more open arrangement re holidays etc BUT my honest feeling is NO DO NOT TRUST HER as sadly she CANNOT be trusted but little man seems to not only trust her again but is fixated and obsessed with spending time with her which he NEEDS but I have a feeling there is a BUBBLE WHICH IS GOING TO BURST HERE and I have to be prepared for it as it's the lies and deceit of his Mum which is setting him up for a fall

My daughter ALWAYS wants to put the cart before the horse and have the PERKS BEFORE doing all the work but it don't work like that in the end

I need help with my heart as for 4 years we have been like 2 peas in a pod and now he wants to kick me out of the pod and replace me with Mummy which is FINE as such as living with Grandmother IS SECOND BEST BUT under the circumstances it is a VERY GOOD SECOND BEST and ''first best'' is NOT possible especially if the deceit just carries on and on like it always does and my daughter never really ''comes clean'' and therefore then GETS clean but she wants the perks without any work and yet right now she is GETTING it , big time ...... but right NOW , the truth is yet to be revealed and I will continue working on mine and my Grandsons relationship as it is the first time he has EVER said any cruel or hurtful words to me and I know he still loves me but he is SUFFERING here I feel even though he is on a HIGH to do with his Mum I feel it is sadly not REAL and if it was real I would be rejoicing with him if it was REALISTIC and not a bit of a fantasy tbh xx

If you could send me hugs for the HURT though please that would be great x

Hugs.

People have to believe the same truth to ''be on the same page'' , my daughter has an Uncle who believes every single word which comes out of her mouth and he idolizes her as well and when I revealed some truths about my daughter he would NOT believe me and became very defensive and it has put a huge RIFT and BAD FEELINGS between him and I as he will defend her to the hilt even if the truth was staring him in the FACE he would look the other way and IGNORE it lol

Sadly it feels the same as where my Grandson is coming from re not wanting to hear it let alone believe it and wanting to SHOOT THE MESSENGER so I HAVE to let him 'find out for himself'! !

Hard as it is

Thank you

It feels like I am going through hell right now but I feel there will be a reward ie reaping at the end for doing all the hard work and ''sowing''

''What goes up must come down'' and he is on a high right now but I am HOPING that when he comes back down he will even see it is a relief to be so SETTLED 'down here' and tbh SECURE!