Do parents connect with their adult autistic children?

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I’m 30 years old. I’ve never had much of an emotional connection with my neurotypical parents. The communication is almost always stale. Robotic. On both ends. We have an occasional bonding moment but it’s pretty rare. Is this common?

My mom saw a picture of all of us and when she saw my smile, she said: “There is a connection there. That gives me assurance.” She at times will say she knows I care about her (which I do) but sometimes she feels I don’t care at all.

Most of the time, I’m too burnt out to talk to my parents. I have mild interest in their past and present lives which is of course better than nothing.

My parents denied I had autism nearly my whole life until just recently. They don’t seem to have the desire to learn much about autism.

I’m just wondering though, how common is this? Any stories?

I feel like my adult ASD son and I are relatively close and connected, but the way we connect is probably different than nuerotypical families would think of it. I see myself as broader autistic phenotype. My son and I clearly do not process the world the same, yet in so many ways we "are" the same. We really enjoy being together, although I know he wishes I had more genuine interest in the things he likes. He doesn't hesitate to come to me for advice, and is thankful for the way I handled his autism when he was growing up. Neither of us are gushy people or into making big gestures. I don't expect him to do things to show me he cares because after years and years of raising him I know that such gestures just wouldn't be natural for him, and they aren't something he thinks of. I know that if he takes the time to keep someone in his life, that person is important to him. He makes that effort for very, very few people in this world. He makes acquaintances easily (he likes to talk, he has a script, he knows how to act, and he comes across as talented) so can find loosely defined friends anywhere he goes. But all those loose acquaintances are very disposable or interchangeable to him. He doesn't need to return to them. He feels the need to return to us, his family, however. We know him like very few people do. He makes an effort with family, and I know that means he cares, feels connected, and values us. He has trouble with the word "love" because he has trouble defining his own emotions, but I know his expressions and how he acts and I know who he loves as family, and who he loves romantically.

I never had much of an emotional connection with my parents. As a child, they were always telling me I was cold and selfish. We later became estranged when I was an adult.

I'm not sure if the title of your post is asking for responses strictly from parents who have autistic children. I think you're asking for perspectives from both parents or from adult autistics about their parents?

DW_a_mom, you're the best. You remind me of how my Mom was with me when I was growing up, the way you describe yourself. My Mom died in 2018, but my Dad's still alive.

I still see my Dad up to 5-6 times per week since we meet at central location to take a walk together. We talk about things that interest the both of us such as gardening and homesteading. He wasn't around much because of work when I was growing up so it's good that we spend this time together. It's also good that he and I spend time together now because when I was growing up, other than a single father/son camping overnight (which was not enjoyable for either of us) and other than my Dad taking me around with him to run errands or the occasional fishing outing, we didn't have any father/son play. He has always been helpful to me even though he and I are opposite in our personalities. I have a sibling who is identical in personality to my Dad. My Mom and I had very similar personalities.

Do I "connect" with my Dad? Like you, Erjoy29, I didn't have emotional connection to my parents growing up. My Mom was never a physically affectionate person (but was still a great Mom), but when my Dad would try to hug me, I'd protest strongly because I didn't like being hugged. Also like you, I know very little of my parent's lives before I was born. I never thought to ask them and they never felt the need to be autobiographical. I was diagnosed with ASD about 1.5 years ago and just recently told my Dad. I think, like DW_a_mom, that he's "broader autistic phenotype" (I think my Mom was too); I think my Dad has ADHD for sure.

Do we "connect"? We remain in contact which is good, but I don't think we've "connected" on some sort of deep level. Even so, I don't compare myself to other people in that regard. I'm glad he's my Dad, I was glad my Mom was my Mom and I'm thankful for both of them. I know my Mom loved me and I know my Dad does as well. Do I love them? I'm like DW_a_mom's son in the sense that "love" is a very abstract concept for me. I love my Dad and I love my Mom, but I think I "love" differently than most other people.

My own connection with both of my parents are very emotional in both ways.

Sometimes too emotional for my own taste.
Which may factor with the culture I grew up and living with than simply by either parties.


Obviously, this does not equally mean conventional -- which is a more likelier case whenever involving autism.

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Since I was born the bond between me and my NT mother has always been really strong. She's always been there for me and we can have deep conversations for hours. We also think the same and hardly ever disagree on things. We are like best friends as well as mother and daughter, and her NT sister is sometimes jealous because she doesn't have such a close relationship with her NT daughter. I have a good, close bond with my aunties too.
I can also bond with my dad, but in a different way. When I was younger my mum sometimes hated him (they split up), and for some reason I felt like I had to hate him too. But now that I've grown up I know that I am entitled to love my father, and him and my mum are friends now anyway so she no longer hates him.

So yeah, autistic adult children can be close to their parents. Some NT adult children aren't close to their parents even if the parents brought them up well and want them to be close.

My dad is NT and my mom is ASD-like. At near 50, I've just started being myself with both of them. I'm enjoying it, but still a little scared (they'll reject the real me). For instance, I acknowledge when I'm talking my dad's ear off (I'm the expressive ASD type) but no longer apologize. My NT dad was the parent I was closest to because my ASD-like mom had to deny me in order to keep denying her own characteristics. Recently she's started coming around. It might take another decade, but if you want it to, it can happen! You shift your behavior and then it's their choice whether they shift theirs. (And if they already are shifting theirs, it's your choice to respond accordingly.)

my folks tolerated my difference, they didn't celebrate it. i was the one who ended up caring for them in their old age, so they knew which side their bread was buttered on.

A (probably) NT here with asperger father upbringing, meaning I function like an autistic in many situations because that's how I was brought up. He sometimes show up for birthday parties now that we have young kids, but other than that he only visited me once during 12 years and I showed up from time to time at his place, but never just for the visit.

Quite robotic conversations. Usually similar topics. Never talking about how things are going with the kids or feelings of any kind. Saying stuff like "How nice to see you"/"Hello, how are you"/"Please come by again"/"Are you coming over for dinner?" is totally alien for us An hello is more like "oh it's you", and a goodbye is "mmmm ok" *closing door*.

I don't mind it all that much. Only the goodbye part is a bit awkward. I wouldn't say our relationship is bad at all, just different. I find people with a "normal" relationship to be unnatural, sort of like scripted. Anyone understand what I mean? For example, a son and father having a talk and then "you're the best son" "you're the best dad" and then a hug Weird.

My mum has a good connection with me, really close and best I have with anyone. She loves neurotypical people and seeks out guys who think in unusual ways... She finds NT people really boring and annoying. She's neurotypical (unless dyslexia affects it?)

My stepdad grew up when autism meant very autistic & when ADHD wasn't known about. Idk if he's neurotypical. I love him and connect w him on some things but he's annoying sometimes too... He wants to be spoken to in a way I consider to be rude (eg if you're doing an instruction you say 'go and...' not 'could you...') and speaks to others in it too and doesn't watch his tone (so he yells at people and bangs about the house).

My dad's schizophrenic. We get on sometimes but he expects me to be the parent. He also embarrasses me in public by yelling at people. He gets angry about everything.

My childhood was really different to usual with no pressure to be 'normal'. I felt like the grown up a lot of the time. I was mostly educated in state school with some home schooling on the beach looking at fossils and stuff.

I think the connection can depend on the parents of the adult autistic child

If you're always criticising the child and telling them they'rey cold and not expressing affection in the "correct" way, you'll make them stop trying to even show it in their own way because whatever they do won't be good enough for you. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

If you're parents aren't l cable why are you going to be loving towards them?

I'm not close to my parents. My Mum possibly suffered from depression when I was very small. I remember her being scary and getting shouted at a lot and being locked in my room.

I think that affected any attachment that was going to form.

I always got on with my Dad better.

But I'm not close to either of them... They're not NT though.

We do keep in touch, but not the way NTs do and they've never complained about it.

I don't connect emotionally with my mom at all. Regardless of that she is a very good mom and has done her best in raising me i think. Some of the issues i have i had to handle alone though.
I used to hate my dad when i was a child because we were too similar. Now i love him very much and he is the only person in the world i feel connected to. When he dies i don't know how i will manage to live.

My parents and I are very close. They're all I have, really.

Parents were NT. They just thought I was shy and I'd grow out of it. Not many people knew what autism was back in the '80s so I don't blame them.

Never was very close with them. Yes, my father will get a call and a card on Sunday but I have no desire to have a relationship beyond that.