GMA needs advice

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My 13-year-old granddaughter has ASD. She and I used to get along okay to fine. I admit that I don't always read her signs of me "getting on her nerves."

For the last several months, she has been both aggressively and subtly hostile towards me: scowling when she sees me, barely speaking to me and rarely civil when she does, hugs others then turns away from me, etc. It was a rather abrupt change, happening out of the blue.

I have no idea what I've done to cause this, and she can't/won't tell me any specifics so I can change my behavior for her. Her parents are very good at working with her, and she doesn't tell them anything specific, either -- just that I get on her nerves.

I have not stopped my basic approach to her except to not approach her so openly, exhuberantly. I still greet her warmly, admire her art work, bring her token gifts now and then, etc., but in a low-key manner. And I have always and do love her unconditionally -- and told her so.

Is there anything I can do to improve this situation? All suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

So ... let me get this straight ... your granddaughter has changed from being a warm, affectionate little girl to a surly, prickly teenager at about 13 years of age ... golly-gee, I can't think of any reason why ...

... except puberty.

I knew a guy who ran an agency that worked with youth. He said that if he had one wish it would be to eliminate the age 13.

It is at this point that the open intimacy of children is often supplanted with the guarded disdain of those who are beginning to experiment with their new found ability of abstract thought.

Often sullen and remote youth of this age can be cruel beyond measure. They often come to see their parents and relatives as embarrassing and of whom they are ashamed.

It can be difficult to engage much less persuade those of this age. Your plan to remain constant in affection and contact is about the best you can do. If you have a religious background, you might also consider prayer.

Our culture is pretty much toxic especially to those of this age. You may wish to inquire of her parents as they might also need some encouragement.

It was strange with my brother just 3 years younger as while I went a bit withdrawn and mopy at that age, my brother went rebellious towards me and my Dad. We were quite close. Pubity does strange things to people. We get along ok now we are adults. Teenage years are not easy. I was rare in that I tended to not change a lot but many my age changed a lot when they hit that age.
The problem for it is that when they get older they end up regretting their rebellious years if they are the type of person who is sensitive in nature.
I think one of the reasons why you are unlikely to get an answer is that there isn't one.

Agree it is just her age.

You could ask another person who is around her frequently (parents, sibling) to make you a list of things they think bother her and then of things that seem to make her comfortable. You could change your behavior for a few days to see if it helps, and if it does you could then ask her if the list is accurate.

Does she have an older sibling, or an aunt/uncle closer to her in age? As the old joke goes, teenagers really don't trust anyone over 30, seeing them all as overbearing authority figures. And that would include you (the OP) as well. But she might be more willing to trust a sibling or an aunt/uncle, who can relay the information to you somehow. Although there's a catch even there: if that person has a reputation of getting her in trouble with her parents or other authority figures, she won't trust anyone, period.

Whatever you do, DO NOT let her get into a therapist's hands, ESPECIALLY one with the word "family" in their specialty. "Family" therapists are there to help adults in the family, not kids or teens. So even if something is truly troubling your granddaughter, rather than it being puberty hormones, the therapist will mimic her and make cooing noises at her, but they will not help her.

Things I've learned from my daughter:
1. I scrape my silverware on my plate loudly when I eat
2. I walk loudly
3. I have a few minor habits she thinks are gross
and so on.

During her most sensitive ages these all became things she could not deal with. But she didn't know how to verbalize it, because part of her knew I couldn't really change most of it, and she cared enough not to want to hurt me.

Obviously she eventually learned how to say it. It wasn't comfortable for either of us. At this point in time its just a joke between us, but I still have no idea why I don't know how to move any parts of me gently ... sigh.

I remember being so embarrassed by my mom when I was a teenager. The same trait that drove me crazy then I've come to see as one of her most admirable traits: she won't let people do her wrong. She stands up for herself.

Another direction to look at comes from one friend I have. I can only take her in small doses. Her need to be "generous" and "helpful" towards others is ... overwhelming. She can't see that it all ends up being about her, not the person she wants to be generous and helpful to. That is so complicated to deal with, because I know she means well. Truly the most generous person I've ever met, but to a fault. It's a lot of pressure to be thankful for the gifts she brings that I don't want, the times she wants to offer supportive conversation when I would rather be alone, etc.

We are who we are and sometimes, particularly with 13 year old girls, people have trouble accepting it. Girls that age will find and amplify every minor fault and misinterpret a few strengths, too. Your approach of loving and accepting her anyway really is the best one.