Embarraced siblings

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My eldest son (15 years old) is autistic. He is what I would describe as an incredibly sociable talker. His special interest is actually talking to people. He has a set of questions that he likes to ask everyone about what films, cartoons, and other elements of pop culture they know. It always starts with "do you know sonic the hedgehog" and then goes through a long list.

He will stop and ask his questions to pretty much everyone we walk past. If we go out as a family we will have met the entire pub or restaurant by the end of the evening. The vast majority of people are very accommodating of my son and most are quite charmed by him. But this behaviour is not really optional, it is an absolute need for him so we have to go through his questions routine many times every time we are in public. No social norms apply he will just bound up to anyone and launch into his routine. He has even learned that if he says "hello I'm xxx and I'm an autistic boy who likes to ask questions" it will tend to generate more engagement.

Now this is all fine. Me and my wife never discourage his autistic quirks because, at the end of the day, this behavior is not harmful and is just a natural expression of who he is. But his younger brother (12 years old) finds it all incredibly embarrassing. Obviously, we have explained it all to him as best we can but he is of that age when he desperately wants to fit in with society and his peers. I can totally get why he find his brothers antics deeply embarracing because it gets so much attention. As I mentioned, whenever we go out in public somewhere everyone is aware of us as a family because my eldest will have talked to absolutely everyone in the establishment, whether they want to be spoken to or not.

My youngest says he "hates his brother", he does not really I know but it is getting to the point where he refuses to come out with us. Often we have to split up as a family with one of us taking each child. I'm pretty sure that in a few years time he will actually be his brothers biggest advocate as he already displays a really good sense of justice and right and wrong. But for now in that difficult pre/early teen phase it just horribly embarracing to have an autistic brother.

So has anyone been through this kind of thing? An does anyone have any tips?

It may be better to help your son learn to differentiate between acting on his talkative instincts and assessing when it is more appropriate to act on them.

These life skills are necessary to function as an adult. Childlike inquiry is not often well received from an adult. These social skills, if they can be learned now, can reduce future problems.

The younger brother (probably raised in public school) sounds typically reflexive in avoiding the attention that unique behavior can attract. The social arena at school (like prison) can be brutal. One can learn to avoid anything that attracts attention.

I agree with Tim. It sounds like your younger son is learning normal social skills for his age, which can be rough and unkind. He'll come out on the other side of it okay, but it sounds unpleasant for now.

I only have one son. He has ADHD and chatters incessantly. There have been times that people were mean to him. We had to homeschool him for a little while before we found a good stimulant routine for him. He's back in public school now and doing well. He will stroll about and talk to people almost like what you are describing with your older son. My (aspie) husband and I (NT) are sometimes embarrassed by this, but generally people love what he does. He says the most hilarious things that no one would ever think of. People quickly see that he has zero filter but a kind soul, and they are often eager to hear what he will say or ask next. He is popular, but often doesn't even realize it.

I think your younger son will naturally learn to appreciate and learn from his older brother, but you'll just have to guide him gently until he gets there himself. I would try pointing it out when your older son makes "hits" and minimize it when he annoys people. Build him up in the eyes of your younger son. Speaking from experience, an autistic person can be a powerful mentor.

Could be dangerous announcing he's autistic to randos. So many predators out there.