Communication Block, Please Help...

Post Reply New Topic

Sometimes I think things might actually be okay. Often, it isn't long after this something reminds me it isn't.

One of our biggest problems is communication. Big surprise, I know. Let me share with you what happened this morning. This isn't uncommon.

I walk into the bathroom and pick up the bath rugs to clean them. My daughter's favorite place is the bathroom; she will play in the water at the sink forever if we let her. (We keep it safe in there, it's a kids-only bathroom.) We're always after her saying, "Okay, time's up, get out," when she is brushing her teeth. Anyhow I discovered individual squares of toilet paper neatly tucked beneath the bath mat. I had also found these neatly tucked beneath her pillow and also a few under a book end. I asked before, and got nowhere with it. I asked again today and also got nowhere.

Me: "Honey, why did you put toilet paper under the bath mat?"
DD: "Well, um...because...because it belongs in the toilet."
Me: "Yes, it does belong in the toilet. That's why you shouldn't put it under the bath mat. Mommy wants to know why you did put it there."
DD: "I put it there because...because...um...the toilet paper under the bath mat is there and because..."
Me: "Honey, when people do things, they usually have a reason. Mommy reads her books because she enjoys books. We brush our teeth because we need to keep them clean. Your brother wears diapers because he is a baby and hasn't learned the potty yet. See? Now I want you to tell mommy....'I put the toilet paper under the bath mat because..."
DD: "Well...because I want to put the toilet paper in the potty and flush it all down. So the toilet paper is under the bath mat and it belongs in the toilet."
Me: "Did you put the toilet paper under the bath mat?"
DD: "Yes."
Me: "Were you hiding it?"
DD: "No."
Me: "Then why is it under there?"
DD: "Because the toilet paper is under the bath mat."

UGH! Finally I just asked her to please pick it up and put it in the potty. She said ok. It took her fifteen minutes - no kidding - to do this. Normally she is very fast at everything. There's got to be something with the toilet paper, I don't know what.

This is my four year old, who has been speaking in full sentences for two years now. She's exceptionally gifted, particularly with her vocabulary and speech. Show her something once and she never forgets, it's like she's a computer with data - put it in and it's just there. Ask her why she did something though, and you absolutely will not get an answer no matter how many times you try. I'm certain she has reasons, but for whatever reason, there is block in the exchange between asking why and having her provide an answer.

Does anyone have any idea how I can (a) get an answer as to why she does the toilet paper square hiding thing - and the other whys (b) better communicate with my child overall? Is anyone else experiencing similar issues, and how did you overcome them?

Thanks in advance.

Don't think I can help really except to say I fold tissue when I'm feeling pressured or having to try think about emotional things, toilet paper tissue is nice to fold because it is thin and soft.
She probably can't answer because she doesn't know the answer.
My kids used to make toilet paper sculptures, they would unravel the whole roll, wet it and mold it into shapes around the bath, on the tiles etc then let it dry - they are both NT. It was a pain to clean up and expensive on paper but I didn't get cross as they enjoyed doing it and it was a relatively cheap way for them to be creative and have fun.
If she likes to fold paper maybe get some simple origami for her to learn.

Just a thought regarding the communication. If I am asked why I do/said something etc then I have a hard time as I have to look inward at possible motivation etc and make assessments to come up with the correct answer, but I think that if I am asked why another person may have done something then I project my own motivations onto them and would give an answer approximating the several reasons why I would do it listing possible motivations without having to come up with the 'one correct reason'. Could this somehow help?

Is this "used" toilet paper? If so, then just explain it goes in the toilet and flushed.
If not, then I don't see the reason why it needs to be put in the toilet. If this is unused toilet paper she is playing with (and you can afford the waste) then she should have her own place to put it, not in the bathroom, for hygenic reasons.

My son has never played with TP and doesn't like to use it at all. a whole other problem I discovered this morning. However, I've always left scratch paper in various forms lying around the house for playing, drawing and writing letters and notes. I keep gift tissue paper from past presents too.

Sometimes if I want to find out why, I first have to spell out very clearly that Pop won't get into trouble if he tells me. It doesn't sound like a "communication" glitch as much as an embarassing or fearful issue.

our son will often throw out large amounts of toilet paper in the wastebasket. what i've found out about this for him, is that he always pulls some tp off the roll before he'll use it. used tp fortunately goes in the toilet

Are you allowing her a several minutes pause before you re-ask the question to her? Especially if its something she's nervous or unsure about she's going to need extra long pauses before she can began telling you, if you can verbalize the reason in the first place.

I don't think I can be much of any help, because frankly I don't have the answer. All I can say is.... my son does the same thing. To try to get answers out of him have always been hard. He either clams up (something that always confused me, this was before I had any kind of clue what his dx was), or trys his best to explain if I really pressure him, but what he says doesn't make any sense.

Now if he doesn't want to talk or can't answer, his latest response is "Classified Information" LOL.

I hope someone comes in and can explain.... Its a mystery that even a SLP can't explain to me.

Lainie

Oh I can so relate!! ! My son has similar problems, and this is what hurts us at school because he is so intelligent so he should be able to tell me whatever. You may never get an answer out her either. I do wonder if it is not a stimming thing though, or maybe she just likes the shape and symmetry of the squares, who knows!

Yep, I give her time to pause. As an aspie myself, I know that a rapid succession of questions invariably leads to mental shutdown.

I'm glad to know others can relate. Therapist appointment coming soon, so I'm looking forward to perhaps finding some answers on how I can help her to express and understand better. I know it frustrates her, and I believe she knows in her mind. The concept may just be beyond her years, I don't know.

I've found asking my Aspie sons why is a waste of time. I think they just don't understand the question.

My kids have also played with toilet paper.

My middle son used to unroll the whole roll of toilet paper every day. (I think he was about 4). He eventually grew out of it.

My youngest son has just finished that same phase.

Helen

Because it feels right.


My father had a tool drawer in his shop, that was made out of wood.

I used a file and rasp to put a gouge about 1 inch by 1 inch in it over a period of time.
Why did I do this? There is no rational, or irrational reason to it.
It felt right.

I am fortunate that my dad understood me in some fashion, and let it go.
Eventually I didn't need to do it any more.

Yes, good points. Tucking little squares of toilet paper here and there certainly won't hurt anything. If it produces some positive feeling for her, then more power to her. It's the not being able to ask her why she does/did something that bothers me, because it isn't just toilet paper squares.

I agree with you Smelena/Helen...I think she simply does not understand 'why' questions. I have similar communication blocks with my husband (also AS) though not the why part. He and I can be talking just fine and then, out of nowhere, we'll hit a communication wall.

I'm different. Verbal communication I'm okay with on the whole, I struggle with little nuances and the stuff people are supposed to derive from the unspoken. Someone will get a weird look on their face, which I guess is supposed to mean something, and they say, "Know what I mean?" with a raised eyebrow and I'm like...uh...suuuuuure. I have no clue though