Discussing The Diagnosis

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My 17 yr. old daughter was diagnosed with Aspergers last spring. My question is directed to any parent who has had a "successful" conversation about Aspergers with their child. The problem I'm having is this: the doctor and my daughter spoke often about Aspergers. The doctor spoke to her father and I about Aspergers, but we three never shared a joint session with the doctor where we could all speak about it. We have since moved a great distance from that doctor. My daughter has refused to return to counseling and now tells me that her doctor never told her she had Aspergers and that I am "making the whole thing up." I can fully appreciate her reasons for wanting to deny any diagnosis of a mental illness, but at the same time, we cannot deny what is true. It isn't important that she say to me, "Yes, I have Aspergers." What is important is that we both have an understanding of what her triggers are and how we can work together at avoiding them, work through them, etc. I find myself walking on egg shells constantly. Once she is off on one of her tangents it is very difficult to get her to recognize what is happening and she will continue on until she has exhausted us both and she will remain angry and distant for days. I let her work her way out of it because I have found that to try to draw her out of it only creates more problems. At the same time, she is incredibly dependent upon me, but seems to appreciate very little that I do. So much of her behaviour can be attributed to normal teenaged angst, but so much of it simply isn't. Is there anyone out there in cyberland who has found a way to actually have a conversation with their child? I appreciate any feedback. Thanks.

Mental illness????????! !! !! !!

To be honest, she's 17, and able to make up her own mind. If she's not interested in doing anything with an aspergers diagnosis, that's her call.

Perhaps one day she'll want to know more about how her mind works, and then she'll want to explore the aspergers idea. Until then, if she doesn't want to self-identify as Aspie, she shouldn't have to.

I'm not a parent, but I was an Aspie teenage girl just a few years ago. Like EvilZak said, your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions or at least be able to take part in the decision making. Dealing with teenagers can be hard enough, but having one on the autistic spectrum is probably a very different experience--now that I'm older, I realize how difficult it must have been for my mom and now former stepfather.

It may be a while before your daughter is interested in finding out more about her diagnosis. I was diagnosed when I was 11 and even though my mom tried to offer me information, I really wasn't interested in learning more until sometime last year (I'm 24 now). Honestly, I'm not sure if it was because I didn't want to know or if I was in denial, but now that I know more, I see more of what I do and why I do it.

I was an aspie girl who was diagnosed at 17, so I can understand how your daughter feels. I too felt kind of angry and confused by the diagnosis. I felt as though I was being told that my natural habits were "disordered." This probably wasn't my parents' intention, but when they talked about how my special interests were signs of AS, it really felt this way. I think it may have gone better if they had tried to be more positive about it--though to be fair, they were positive at times, I just didn't want to hear any of it. Remember, your daughter is still the same person she always was. The only difference now is that you have a diagnosis which explains certain things. But try and imagine how you would feel if someone tried to tell you that your habits and personality were part of a "neurological disorder." That may very well be how your daughter feels right now. You might want to try directing her to more positive views of AS, like this website or Tony Attwood and Carol Gray's "Discovery of an Aspie" criteria (google it). But ultimately the decision to acknowledge AS is hers, and she might not want to right now. That's her choice and it's okay. I was in a similar position and didn't want to think about AS for a little more than a year. Now I'm several years post-dx and I mostly accept it, read tons about autism/AS, and have an AS boyfriend who I met through this website. Your daughter may experience a similar change of heart on her own, but if she doesn't that's also okay. Labels don't matter as much as making sure she knows she is a wonderful and valuable person no matter what others might think.

pay close attention to the seventeen-year old posters--they are the wise ones. I agree that you need to back off. Let your child come to terms with it on their own.

Meanwhile, you can wait and bide your time, remaining calm because calm is strength and you will needs lots of it to deal with a bull-headed teenager.

I would even suggest you not ssay a word more about it. When your child approaches you, then you can talk. I found waiting for my older boys to mak first move always worked best. I just let them know I was available for them by my always being there, driving them places etc. It's a moody time and they are trying to find their way. You can be there, in the distance, waiting for them to arrive at the destination. If you try too hard to push your way in, you will definitely lose.

equinn

hooboy.....teens are tough. you could force her to seek more counseling, but by doing this you run the risk of alienating her further. ....as with any diagnosis, most people go through a grieving process~part of which is denial. No need to force her dx down her throat~she probably really does realize that she has a diagnosis, she just doesn't want to be reminded of it all the time.
when she's in a good mood, perhaps you can talk with her about things you have difficulty with~things that just make you nuts although you can't exactly explain why ( for me, i absolutely can't stand it when people don't change the toilet paper & leave the empty roll)....perhaps this could lead to a conversation about what her triggers are. life calmed down here once we were able to figure out what son's triggers were & how we could help him cope.

Thank you all for sharing your words of wisdom. When and if my daughter ever chooses to speak about this, it will be her choice. Not mine. She has a right to her privacy and to deal with this in her own way. I just have to learn to turn off that particular parenting button. It's difficult sometimes, but I'm learning. When we first found out about the diagnosis it was as though all the pieces finally fell into place for me. My daughter's reaction to the diagnosis though is quite and very different. It has made her angry and confused and in hindsight, it's fully expected that one of the reactions to such a diagnosis would be denial. I have learned so much in the past several months, not the least of which is that my reactions to her outbursts were just adding fuel to the fire. My personality is such that discussion, trying to get to the root of a problem, is helpful and constructive. That simply doesn't work with my daughter. At least not now. It may sound strange, but now that we have had this diagnosis, it has been easier for me to focus on the wonderful things about her. I have found a place and reasoning for her behaviours and can now adjust my reactions to her and find safer and more helpful footing. It's still a work in progress though and I fully expect that I'm going to screw it up from time to time. In the meantime, I will celebrate the person she is and try my best to be the parent she needs, and not the parent I think she needs.

Again, thank you for your advice. It has meant a lot.

What the doctor told your daughter will help her as she matures and navigates through life. Knowing about Aspergers, even if she is not yet ready to accept the diagnosis, will help her understand the difficulties she will encounter. Support her and don't stop giving her a mom's wisdom and guidance as often as you can. No need to mention the "A" word.