6-year-old son with Asperger's invited to a sleep over

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Help! I don't know what to do! I feel like an overprotective parent, I feel like a fool as I sounded like a fool, stumbling over my words talking to one of my son's friend's parents on the phone. This man asks me if my son can come over for a play date, and possibly sleep over. I was dumbfounded and could not answer him. I held him off by saying today was just not a good day, but possibly this weekend. I also wanted to talk to my husband first about the sleep over since we never had this before...and I went ahead and told this guy that my son is Autistic (very high functioning) but still might not be ok with the out-of-routine things sleep over. I sort of used it as an excuse. I just needed the time to think. I need a day or two.

Ya know, my son, Leo...which we will refer to for now on...still needs a pull-up, overnight protection and sometimes wets himself so much that even with the overnight pull-up on, his bed may be soaked the next morning. This whole thing makes me nervous. I don't know...it may go well. It may not. Something may set him off and we will get a call at 4 am. Or, everything may be just fine. Or, he may wet the bed so badly, it will be devastating for a few people. I am very confused. Maybe telling them about the Asperger's will scare them off of that over night resposibility.

Does this happen to everyone? Even with NT children? I may feel the same even if he wasn't autistic. This is my first child, and this is the first sleep over invite. He is 6 and 1/2 years old. Any advice out there? (my husband is at work, I do wonder what his thoughts would be...we will talk soon, but...I thought I would turn to WP in the meantime!!)

Thank you. A little concerned right now...

Explain to the alternate father that your son has problems wetting the bed. I have asperger, but it didn't happen to me as a child, on the other hand, my brother Joseph while not diagnosed, most likely does, and it happened to him pretty much every other night. He used to wet the bed all the time.

The biggest question here is does your son want to go, if he doesn't then there's no issue! If he does, let him and inform the other parent that your son wets the bed. It's not a massively uncommon thing, and it provides a solid reason for your concern. Simply putting it off as "not a good time" could send a very wrong message.

The alternative is that you agree to a playdate but not a sleep over. Socialising with another kid in a one to one situation can be very beneficial, I used to play with a Michael Price, mostly with chemistry sets and the like around 10 to 13. This may be a reasonable compromise given the situation. But be sure to ask your son if he actually wants to do it. Remember there's always kid politics to take into account, they might not even like each other!

Thank you!

I don't have any issue with the play date...so it is really the sleep-over part of it.

We will porbably let him go for the day, just not over night yet. Thanks.

I have 2 teen sons with AS and an NT son. I also have a could-be AS daughter who is 7.

I was never comfortable with sleep overs at that age for any of my kids. My oldest son did attempt to spend the night with my friend's son, but I was called in the middle of the night to come and get him. He just couldn't do it. I believe he was 7 at the time. After that I made all of my kids wait until they were at least 8. And my youngest son is 13 and has never slept over anywhere without me. He is just not comfortable with change.

Playdates at 6 are great and teach social skills but to extend it to sleeping over would put undo stress on your child and yourself. It's just now worth it.

Lauri

How well do you know the other father? How well does your son know their child? I'd want to have seen them interact, and seen how the other parents interact with your son (especially if he's acting autistic) before agreeing to a sleepover. I'd also be concerned about the bed wetting. Kids can be cruel, I don't think I'd want another child to know mine was wetting the bed, if that followed him back to school it could be bad.

exactly! Do not want any type of teasing to start at school...his friend has an older brother who may (or may not) tell everyone at school. Even Leo's friend might tell people...who knows.

I've decided that once we get to know the family better and they know Leo better....and when Leo can sleep all night without wetting the bed...then we'll try a sleep over.

Just not yet.

Thanks all!

I understand you're not wanting your child teased. But being natrually different anyway that's going to happen, short of your not sending him to school. It's essential for the child to learn that while he is different, and he may not make friends as easily as everyone else, that's not a bad thing in itself. Encourage the child in his own interests, he'll likely fall into his own group of friends natrually. And while I was made fun of alot and teased, this can be offset by enouraging him, and teaching him why this is happening.

Teasing will happen no matter what is done. You can't protect your child from it.

On the other hand, forcing that child into awkward soical situations as intimate as sleep overs may well be counter productive. As we all know Asperger inderviduals like consistant surroundings, espically when they need to relax enough to sleep. One of the greatest things my parents ever did for me was ensure I had a safe bedroom to retreat too, and recharge in. (even if I did spend too much time programming a BBC Micro rather then actually sleeping)

I disagree. Teasing will probably happen on occasion, however it can be minimised, and in cases like this, where there is the potential of turning the entire school against the child in question, I think it's very important to protect them. There are effective anti-bullying strategies out there (so I'm told - I've never seen once in practice), and being aware and pro-active in preventing teasing or worse of a child is IMO one of the most important things the parent of an aspergian child can do.

I have 2 sons with Asperger's who had sleep overs from about age 5 (they're now 9 and 7).

They both wore pull up nappies until 5 - it wasn't a problem with their sleep over. The other parent didn't have any problem with it.

If your son wants to sleep over, let him! Discuss any issues with his friend's family.

My 7 year old recently made a new friend. He went over to play - I discussed issues with the Mum. They had a great time playing.

Your don't want to stifle your son's social life by being overprotective.

If you're worried about the sleep over, send him over for a play a couple of times first. If your son wants the sleep over, let him.

Helen

i never let any of my kids go on sleepovers until they were 8.

Explain carefully about the instability AS can cause when changing from a well known environment to f.ex. sleeping over. For the parents. The child just want to do what every children wants, explore new things.

And be sure to leave the phonenumbers to those he/she's going to spend the night with, but beware, they are experienced parents too : -)

It usualy works, but as with all sleepovers, it will take time before it gets quiet.... And If you worry about him wetting the bed, just tell'em.

I have had long talks about this topic with my ex about this and our kids sleeping over... It has been more of a strongening for my kids self esteem, to be able to dare to sleep over. Home is home, and the rules for that home is set. In another home of somebody you are going to stay with, the rules for that home apply. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm a bit distrayed, Distré, disträ, since I'm having laundry day.. sigh..

Kids cruel? Hell my Mother was cruel. I didn't know it till about a month or two ago, seems my Mother had told my Wife she would come in my room when I was a kid and find me sleeping on the floor so I wouldn't wet the bed. I don't even remember doing that. I can't begin to tell you how many nights I lay in it because I was afraid to call her. Just extreme anger and rage, like I did it on purpose. But if I was put under hypnosis, I'm sure I could tell you how many nails were in the ceiling from recounting them, trying to summon up the courage to call her. I do recall one time having to stay over and the woman at that house woke me in the night to go piddle, it worked. But what didn't was limiting my drink before bed time, it didn't matter and later my Mother regretted what she put me through till her dying day. Handle his bed wetting with care, trust me, he'll remember it. I'm 57.

I dunno kind of hard to say about sleep overs, times have changed, some outlooks a bit different. Seems to me you have all the info you need to let the father know what is up. I would worry still about how the word might spread to other kids. With me I grew out of it and when I did, the sleep overs were an ok thing. I can't remember when I grew out of it, but I'm thinking about 7ish maybe a bit later, but didn't do sleep overs on any kind of grand scale till later anyway. I'd probably just do extended play time or something special for a while longer.

My son is 6 and has not yet expressed an interest in sleepovers, but I probably wouldn't be comfortable with it unless I knew the family well. Slumber parties were popular when I was younger, but I think I was at least 8 or 9.

Maybe try a few playdates first and see how that goes?