hubby with ADHD?

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I'm kind of reluctant to write this, but could do with some advice and have just read a thread on seperation.
I've been with my husband for over a decade. We have stuck it out in thick and thin, but have had a lot of to deal with. In connection with my son being diagnosed with ADHD, I read some, including a description of adults with ADHD. It was a really good description of my husband. It also was a really accurate discription of what our problems have been about - among others, lack of planning and organisation skills, mess and general chaos These features do not mix well with having an autistic kid who needs structure, order, and systems.
I tried mentioning it to him, but he flatly denies having any problems. The problem is, in my head it is quite obvious he has ADHD, and if he did some reading it may help him in his life, and our relationship.
Has anybody else been in this situation? Should I just leave it alone?

Hi

Men quite often reject the idea of having, or there children having anything - I think some of them think its a reflextion on them. But its really lack of knowledge that seems to be the biggest proble.

A friend of mines husband left his wife, becuase he refused to believe his son could be autistic, prefer to think his wife crazy.

I was only diagnosed 6 months ago myself with aspergers, and now my 14 year old son has been diagnosed with NLD and my husband has given us no support and just will not talk about.

He says its only a issue if you feel you have to make it one, well I'm sure doing that, have set
up my own web site. Is he interested, does he want to know NO.

So your not alone, but I would suggest, just leaving some info. around - maybe he may read in his own time, some people like to decide for themselves.

But you know your husband best, but read lots more and ask a close friend for an opinion before approaching him again. As it really is not that simply as we are all individuals and have different associated conditions.

Quite a few children who have ADHD, go on to be diagnosed with aspergers. I'm sure I had ADHD as a child and have now been diagnosed with Aspergers among other things. If your son is on the spectrum its quite possible your husband may be, but not a thing to be rushed, as can be quite a shock, life changing event for some - best thing that ever happen to happen, at last understand and know who I am.

Well, I'm the husband in my story.

My former wife is a pediatrician and she used to tell me if anyone had add/hd, I did.
She put up with a lot of me not finishing projects, and all the rest of the stuff add/hd is famous for.

But, after my first diagnosis, no one took it very seriously... not even me.
After my second diagnosis, we did take it more seriously, but my wife never did seem to accept it... really.
She would continue to suggest things to make me do better... things that never worked before and didn't when I tried them again.
She said once to me, "I just don't see why you can't make yourself a list of things you need to do, and then do them!".
This, from a pediatrician.
I figure it was the fact that it was all too close to home, that made it hard for her to deal with.
I have to say that she did stick with me for 17 yrs., and I know it wasn't easy for her to do so at times.

My real revelation about my add/hd came back before my first diagnosis when I saw three adult males being interviewed on some show like 20/20.
Their stories were the exact same as mine... except the part where the drugs made a magical transformation for one guy... never happened like that for me.

Just to be fair about this whole thing... it was not just my add/hd that wore my wife out.
I had been suppressing a gender dysphoria all my life. I've struggled with it for as long as I can remember.
I mentioned it to my wife before we were married, but in the context of "I'm not doing it anymore!", and honestly trying to get my head straight about it.

Dealing with my add/hd issues and suppressing my gender dyphoria issues wound up having me erupt at times.
These eruptions were when I would get upset with myself or with what I was working on, and then I'd either curse out loud in a rage or go hit the wall, or kick something.
Although these were not an everyday (or every week) occurrence, and never directed at anyone other than myself, they were still upsetting to my wife and later to our daughter.

All these things were the reasons my wife gave for her wanting a divorce.
I had my own which are not relavent here.

I do hope you can work it out.
Whether he ever gets an official diagnosis of add/hd or not, just knowing that there are other people out there who act like him, may help.
I know this issue was part of the reason my self-esteem has been so low all my life.
I tried to make up for it by being too macho at times.
It's hard when you know how smart you are, but you can't seem to demonstrate it to the outside world through your school work, regular work, hobbies, etc.
It's hard when people see you succeed at something or be able to hyper-focus on something, but not other things.
This is where the other parties start saying things like, "Well, you seem to be able to focus on the things YOU like to do, but not on the things I want you to!"

I cared very much about what my wife wanted me to do. There were many projects around the house I truly wished I could have finished for her, and felt bad about not finishing.
There are plenty of things in my life that I REALLY want to succeed at, and it bothers me when I don't.
It's not all about me choosing to do only what I like to do.... because even those things don't always work out.

Well, I'm rambling on here...
I wish you all well in working things out.

Hi Katrine,
That was my thread on separation.

I can understand your frustration, as messiness and poor planning is also an issue for my husband. Just from what you said in your post, I wouldn't make that big a deal out of it if it's just that. There are other things that could be waaay worse, I speak from person experience.

Is he a good father and husband?

The reason I wrote that thread is that I really think that my son would be better off without him in the house. They do not get along. My son tests him and he doesn't respond, so his behavior gets worse and worse. My son has had a running fear of statues, and he has asked his father a few times if he was a statue because he just stares into space. When my husband checks out for a few days, our son gets really tantrumy. My husband is like a black hole because he will suck all the joy out of a room by just walking in without saying anything and staring at us, or sitting in a corner and startling us by moving because we have forgotten that he is there.

If your husband is like that, then I would definitely say or do something. But if he were just a disorganized goof, like I thought mine used to be, then I would just leave it be. I try to keep the kitchen, living room, bathrooms, and our son's room as clean as possible, but the main bedroom is stacked with his boxes, trash, clothes, shoes, old socks, etc. I really can't keep up with him and the baby, so if he wants to live in squalor I just let him. I just plan around him, and he follows along if he wants. Otherwise, if I waited for him, we would never get out the door.

Or maybe that attitude is what got me in trouble in the first place. But if I brought up things like that, then we would be discussing our problems into the next century.

So what do I know? I just wanted to explain my thread. I don't want to put ideas out there that don't need to be out there. We have serious, serious issues. I hope that you don't. I guess I just posted that here because I am really at the end of my rope. It doesn't really have that much to do with Aspergers issues at all.

you have said some real good things here and in the parts I have not quoted.

When I was first diagnosed I was given a prescription for some drug I cannot remember.
My wife made some comment like, "What did he give that to you for... we don't even use it in Pediatrics anymore?"
She didn't embrace the idea that I had ADD/HD or what impact it had/has on my life.
Her having a problem dealing with it made it a problem for me too... I've dealt with it alone pretty much.

From my point-of-view...
It was a relief and a blow to my self-image.
A relief because I was now not the only person in the world who behaved the way I did.
I now knew that there was even a condition with a name for the way I behaved.

The negative part was that this meant something was wrong with me... I was not like other men... I was not like my childhood heroes who could do anything once they set their minds to it!

I grew up a redneck in West Texas.
My self esteem was pretty low all my life because of my add/hd and my gender stuff.
Having something hanging over my head that said... "You're NEVER going to be normal, you're NEVER going to be able to do what other REAL MEN do with out taking drugs and having therapy all your life!", was definitely another blow to my self-esteem.

It's taken me years and lots of talking with friends, family, and therapists (and myself) to be where I am today.
After my second diagnosis several years ago, I was offered medications again... this scared the hell out of me.

Taking drugs meant, to me, that I would wind up being different... different from the person I knew so intimately.
I have nothing to base my fantasy on about being a 'normal' person.
I can tell you all the things 'normal' people can do that I cannot, and why it would be a positive thing to be like them in those regards... but I cannot imagine WHO I would be after taking medications for my add/hd.
It was that scary to me... I did not want to be someone different.
I kept imagining waking up to be like Jack Nicholson in "One Flew Over the Kuckoos Nest", where he's an idiot at the end due to the shock therapy.

I finally relented and tried out the different meds... Ritalin, Adderall, Straterra...
I didn't like the side effects of some, and found no 'instant relief' from any of them.
I really couldn't tell if they were working sometimes or if I was just having a good day, that day.
Since I don't keep track of things on a long-term basis very well, I never did keep a good journal of how I felt while taking the meds.

I can't see why it would be any different for women, but I do know that as a man this whole thing of "I am not in control of my mind", is very hard to accept.
And today it's not "I'm not in control of my mind", anymore... it's an acceptance of my brain functioning differently than what appears to the majority of society around me.
I have some unique properties that give me an edge over other folks in some ways... but hinder me in respect to society's demands compared to the rest of the people around me.

Not seeking help is a famous male trait.
I know I succumbed to it.

I've been reading that thread and have made at least one comment.

I just wanted to say that my having ADD/HD probably has helped me relate well to our daughter.
Because my wife was a pediatrician, she made the most money.
We decided that I would be a stay-at-home dad.
I have been at home quite a bit for our daughter for her whole life.
There were times when I had to go out and get a job if for no other reason than for my peac-of-mind and self-esteem.
It was very difficult emotionally to be a man who stayed at home and didn't work.
I tried going to university for a few years with very limited success and no degree at the end.
Still, we believed that we were lucky since our child could have one parent at home all the time (other than when I was working or going to school).

She spent such a very small part of her pre-school years in daycare.
Today, I am still devoted to our daughter and her mom is also.
We sort of balance each other out, I think... with my ADD/HD and her desire to keep in tight control of things.
Our daughter was tested for ADD/HD after my diagnosis, since she exhibited many of the same traits as I did.
The doctor who tested us both said our daughter was just really smart and probably bored with school.
My wife still thinks she has ADD/HD, but I don't really care.
I see the things she does from my point-of-view and don't blame her as much as the blame I got growing up whenever I would forget things, etc.

Well here I go again... sorry I'm gabbing on about myself.

Thank you for your very very kind and frank replies. They have given me a lot to think about. They have made it much more easy to imagine what my husband is feeling and thinking. That said, I will reread them and think some more.
Funny thing, wsmac, I'm doing medicine, like your ex. I also like to have things structured and under control. My husband has been very involved in the children, too.
Laplantain: I have acted much like, keep the main parts of the house tidy and our bedroom is FULL of boxes, piles, ect.! ! The hard thing is missing out on making plans together, sharing responsibilities. And especially not being able to relax and let go, because noone is there to pick up if I let go. This is especially a problem when I have a lot of work and am tired.
I don't think my husband can help it - I think he doesn't have can see the big picture. It sounds like you have many additional problems with your husband, and don't worry, you haven't been a bad influence on me

When teachers and my wife complained about my eldest boy I kept saying he was normal.

When he was first diagnosed, I was skeptical.

We bought an ADD book and I read it but didn't identify with it.

Then the teachers said he wasn't ADD, they thought he was aspergers.

We went to the Paediatrician, did a lot of tests and got a diagnosis. I was still skeptical - he seemed normal to me.

Finally, we looked at some Aspergers books and I started to identify with them. I've since been diagnosed.

If you have the problem, you don't see the problem in others. It's just normality.

Get your hubby to do the online test - it's not conclusive but it might be easier for him to understand the condition.

The Aspie Quiz

There's also an ADD quiz for adults.

The ADD Quiz

I'm not sure if my former wife's desire to keep things under control and structured (as you mention) has to do with her being a doc or if it was always there, but I'm not faulting her for it.
It's just the difference between the two of us.
I do hope my replies help some.

btw, you don't practice medicine in Modesto do you? You're beginning to sound like some friends of ours
No reply needed here... just thinking outloud.




For the first few years we lived together, I kept my stuff/clothes in the boxes I moved with, in the bottom of the extra closet in the office of our house.
Hope that made sense

I tend to take my clothes off before bed and not put them in the hamper or hang them back up.
After a few days, I have this pile of clothes that I'm not sure if I should just wash the whole pile or pick out the ones that seem clean and re-wear them but wash the rest.

In the kitchen (and this used to really bug my wife), I rinse and stack the dishes really neatly on the counter... then leave them.
Sometimes I won't get around to washing them until the next day.
I leave the same glass on the counter all week for drining water.
I pile papers all over the house, then when I need something I go get it... usually pretty successful at that... then when the piles get to be too much I go through most of them and re-organize my piles so they look neater!

I have too many projects started and not enough of them finished.
I've lived in my current house for over a year now and I've only gotten my daughter's room painted and carpeted (the most important things first!), but the kitchen has only been primed, the living room needs to be primed and painted still, and my bedroom needs sheetrock and paint (there's wooden slats covering the walls... it's an old house).

My bedroom is FULL of stuff and I don't even have a real bed anyway, so I sleep on the futon/couch in the living room.

The refridgerator is just about empty.. which it always is anyway.. and I buy groceries when I remember to do so and remember to leave enough time to do so... which usually means right after I pick up my daughter from school because I know I need to have something for her to eat for dinner, breakfast and lunch the next day.
(she's with me two days of the week, with her mom two days of the week and on Fri/Sat/Sun she alternates staying with each of us).

It's 5am and I've only had a 2 hr nap from 7pm to 940pm last night... I'll probably just stay up until tonight then go to bed.
I've always done this and my wife used to get mad at me because I would stay up so late or not go to sleep at all for up to 72 hrs sometimes.

I don't remember dates very well, my wife used to quiz me on when Thanksgiving was or when Christmas was going to be... sorta like a game, I guess.
Without looking, I can't tell you if Christmas was on the 24th, 25th or 26th, although I think it's one of the first two.

When I'm having a conversation with someone, I may start doing something with my hands or pick up a magazine/book to check out and still feel like I am listening to that person... which I am!
Sometimes when talking to someone, I will see another person I know and start talking to them also.
I am trying to carry on two completely different conversations at the same time until one of the people gets fed up with me and walks away.

These are some of the things my wife put up with all those years.
These are the things I've lived with all my life.
I wish I didn't do them so much and I wish folks would believe me when I say I really am trying to do better.

It's been a struggle.
I'm not sure if you husband is like me or has his own ways.
I do realize how difficult it probably is for you if he is like me.
I hope everything can be resolved in a way that's best for everyone at your home.

lol
I hope you don't mind me laughing - I suddenly remembered a whole lot after reading what you have written, which is probably why I fell for him in the first place.
You, however, seem more domesticated than my husband.
When I met my husband, he had his own "clothes system". He didn't see the point in buying clothes so he was given clothes by friends (I thought he was totally cool... and luckily his friends had what I thought was good taste at the time). He had a huge chest with clothes in it. He had enough for a whole month. When something was dirty, he through it in one of his 3 huge laundry baskets (he lived in a one room apartment) or if the were full (! !) in a big pile that eventually filled out his apartment.
Then he "liberated" 2 shopping trolleys. He filled the clothes into them, and went to the laundromat. He did 13 -15 loads AT ONCE by going late or in the middle of the night. He piled it back into the trolley, pushed it home, and put it in the chest.
He thought it was very efficient, as all his months laundry got done in 3 or 4 hours. I suppose this is actually a form of non-conventional structure.
As for the dishes: same story. He had 50 plates (I'm not joking) so he only had to wash up every 14 days!
He IS much better now. But after dinner, he gets the plates into the dishwasher but doesn't seem to even notice the pans or that the table has to be wiped. He also splashes water and coffee up the walls and on the counter, which he doesn't notice.
He can't remember dates, often doesn't remember what day or month it is. (no, he's not psychotic, just vague)
He definately doesn't remember to send the kids to activities if I don't specifically remind him that ex. it's Wednesday and there is swimming. I gave him a calender, but he lost it!
He seems to "forget" to go to bed, even if he knows he has to be up the next morning.
As for food: he doesn't think to shop, on the other hand he can make a meal of just about anything. He likes to "shop big" once in a while, but doesn't check the fridge first, and always buys the same stuff. At one point we had 6 salamis and nothing else to go on bread!!
He has a big problem remembering when to feed the kids. Could make a hot meal at 4.30 in the afternoon (I would give them a snack and feed them dinner a couple of hours later - usually I do the cooking, anyhow.) He "forgets" to eat, too.
He has got his mobile to ring, so he remembers to give my son his meds.
He is great playing with the kids, well liked, more social than me, good at computers/electronics/machines in general.

And no, I don't live in Modesto

I figured that out when you used the term 'trolley' below


I don't mind you laughing. I can laugh at my own self quite easily.
OOOOhhhhh.... 'more domesticated'! How in the world did I ever score that one? Thanks... I guess



Hmmm, he definitely had a unique system there.
When I moved out on my own, I finally got myself a front-loading washer.
I can wash anything now without having to go to a laundromat.
My daughter doesn't mind washing clothes either which helps sometimes.



Wow! 50 plates!
I only have three big ones, three small ones, a few bowls and some silverware. I do have a few pots and pans.
When it's just me at the house, I'll usually see what's in the sink and what shape it's in.
Sorry if this is gross... but I will just pull out a bowl or spoon, etc. give it a quick rinse and re-use it.
I don't conciously think I am saving water, or not making a mess... I just see the bowl or plate and think, "Hey, I'll just use that one... doesn't look too bad!".


Days are hard for me to remember, but I don't think I have trouble with the month. I don't see that as psychotic... he's just 'more special' than I am


HAHAHA, that's a good one! I've done the same thing... buying more of what I already have
I'll go all day doing stuff or sitting at home, then when I head off to work for the swing shift, I totally forget I don't have anything to eat for dinner(supper for some folks).



Here's what I've resorted to finally to help me out...
I use a crockpot sometimes. This way I can put the meal in in the morning, set it on low, then have dinner waiting for when my daughter and I get back home.
When I was with my former wife, we used to keep things like cheese, veggies, crackers, and a dip... either hummus we made or guacamole, or something else.
We could eat this for dinner if needed, along with some sort of meat if we wanted.

From the words you use I take it you live in the U.K, Canada, Australia or New Zealand, possibly in some other country formerly occupied by the British.
I don't know if this device is available to you, but it has helped me out at home and work...
--->http://www.invisibleclock.com/

I use it mainly for a timer.
I can set multiple alarms.
I use it mostly at work. When I go on break or to lunch, I will set it for 9minutes or 29 minutes which leaves me time to clock back in. Otherwise, I'd clock in too early or too late.
When I am setting up plates for a microbiology specimen, I will set the timer for 10 minutes so the plates can warm up before I innoculate them.
If I have a blood draw at a certain time, I can set that time and I'll be more likely to see the patient ontime.

The other thing that is helping me lately is a PDA.
One of our E.R. docs gave me an old Visor PDA she had and no longer used.
This has been really good for me, for some reason.
It's easy to input information, easy to turn on and check the day's schedule, easy to carry with me.
Someday I may spring for a new Titanium Palm Pilot or something similar, but for now this Visor works just fine!

I appreciate you sharing all this with me... us...

I do want you to know that you have a right to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, etc.

I understand that living with me was tough for my wife.
I'm not angry at her for not hanging on longer so I could get my stuff straightened out.
I do wish we could have stayed together, but hopefully both our lives will benefit from all this.
At least we're working together to help make our daughter's life the best she can have considering the circumstances.

I wish I had some great advice for getting your husband to take a look at ADD/HD.
Even if he didn't get a diagnosis, perhaps understanding things better would help all of you.
I guess I don't have much else to say other than I empathize with you as best I can.

Wow.
I just got hubbie to do an online ADD test, and he promised to be honest. He scored 74 out of 80 (and declared the test was unscientific )
But it sure gave us a lot to think about, and a lot of explanations. I hope he does think about it.
What made you deal with it?
BTW I'm originally Australian, but live in Copenhagen.

My husband is pretty certain that he has ADHD, although he hasn't been officially diagnosed. He functions pretty well with it now, but had a terrible time as a child.

Australian but live in Copenhagen?
I wonder what it's like to be someone like you and the others here who have done that... moved to another country to live.
Sounds interesting and exciting... maybe I'll do that... but I've got to wait until tomorrow at least....
Seriously, sounds neat!

HURRAH! for you two and the test! It's a definite starting point!

To be clear.... I'm not pretending to diagnose your husband here. Just because I have ADD/HD doesn't mean I feel I am an expert on it. But again, I do hope my words help out some.

Hmmm, what made me deal with it?
That'll take some thinking....
First off, my reason to go get tested both times was driven by my frustrations over my inability to make through a whole semester at university (even though in my mind I knew I was smart enough to do so), my 'scatter-brained' persona, my wife's frustrations with me.

I have always had this nagging voice in my head that keeps telling me I can do better than what I am currently.
I should go to school, get a degree and really use my talents. Living the way I have, doing the jobs I have, has not been the best use of what I was given at birth. I could do more.

To tell you the truth... I'm not sure I would have gone forward even after watching that t.v. show I mentioned, if I had not been married and desired a better relationship, and had not been a father and scared that I would not be a good one if I didn't fix myself.
Left to my own, I tend not to care much about how I survive. But when there are other people I feel responsible for, I care very much.
Not being 'normal' yet having those responsibilities... father & husband... made me much more frustrated than I had ever been before in my life.
I really wanted to be a better man for them.

Even after my second diagnosis, I had a hard time believing my ADD/HD was real.
It was especially difficult for me because I already had low self-esteem and I kept running into people like the recent poster here on WP called Braveheartlion. She says the exact same things other people told me, "Oh, I must have add too! I do all those things you say! I forget things sometimes!", or, "Everybody does those things.. it's not ADD!", and the like.
They just didn't get how much of an impact these things were on my life... a huge negative impact.

I really am trying to get somewhere here....

Right now, I'd just have to say it was more out of desparation that I decided to start meds and get my books and see a therapist so I could get a handle on this ADD/HD.

Since I couldn't tell if the meds were working or not, this made me wonder about having ADD/HD, yet every doctor I saw stated emphatically that I did have ADD/HD.
So the medication route was a big disappointment, especially since I had heard so many stories of other adults as well as children who suddenly found freedom once they started on their meds.

Managing my behavior outside of the medication route proved to be a bit more successful.
I still don't perform up to the standards that regular people do, but over time I feel like I have been getting better at overriding some of my ADD/HD traits.

I think I'm veering off course again.
I don't suppose I answered your question at all... sorry.

I have to tell you this... my wife... the pediatrician... she brought home samples of drugs a couple of times for me to try early on, to see if that would help.
She also mentioned in marriage counseling once that she considered just drugging me discretely... without my knowledge.
This was before my second diagnosis I believe... before I actually started taking drugs seriously.
She never did that, but I think it illustrates her level of frustration and desire for someone whom she could count on.
I was never that person.
To get me somewhere on time... she would lie to me about what time we had to be somewhere.
If the show or appointment was at 10:00 am.... she'd say we had to be there at 9:00 am.
I'm not upset at that in the least since I realize how bad I am with time.
She struggled with my inabilities to be normal and I can see you appear to be struggling too.

As I have said, I am not running around trying to diagnose people with ADD/HD, and I'm not pushing that on you and your husband.
If it fits, then it should be seen as a starting point... a guide, withwhich he can realize the differences between himself and others.
Hopefully taking the exam and perhaps learning more about ADD/HD gradually, he will see why you and possibly other people in his life are so different and demand things from him he cannot do.
Perhaps he feels he is choosing to be this way and fighting for his right... his power... to run his life his own way.

I have lashed back at people sometimes when they point out my 'deficiencies'... I have gotten quite defensive because I get so tired of always being the one who is wrong... always being the one who gets laughed at because of the inane or weird things that I do, always being the one who needs to be 'fixed'.

If you can... see if you can find some positive things about his behaviour. Find some positive things about a person having ADD/HD and bring those out... subtly or be quite bold about them.
When you see him doing something ADDish and see it in a good light, you might bring it up.

I suspect he, like myself, would appreciate not always being shown how wrong we are about things.


btw, I'm not trying to say you haven't been supportive of him. I'm just reflecting what I've felt and been through in my life and projecting these onto your husband.





Does he function better solely because he has a 'package' to put it all in?
I have heard some folks say that... now because they know what is going on with them, they have something to deal with instead of always questioning whether their thoughts/feelings/actions were just made up and they should 'just straighten up and do the right things'.

Well.
Thanks again for a lot to think about. You are quite right my husband is tired of me always saying he does things the wrong way, he says he wants to feel appreciated. Hearing it from someone else is really good, because it makes sense and I don't have a lot of feelings involved.