Refrigerator Mother???

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I just read this on wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Refrigerator_mother

and it got me wondering how many of you out there have been accused of being bad parents just because your son is autistic? And how many of you have believed that you were bad parents? What exactly was it that happened that caused this to occur?

I guess I got to asking this because I heard my own mother a couple of years ago making comments like she thought, at the time, that she was a bad parent.

I, personally, cannot believe in this idea. My parents did their best, but did not stop me from becoming an Aspie.

But I was wondering if anyone out there has been accused of being a bad parent? And what did you do?

btw, I personally believe you are all lovable people and a bad parent would most likely not be coming here. At least not one like this.

Personally, I have not run into believers of the refrigerator-mom idea, but I have had people praying over me to be cured of Asperger's, claiming that all I have to do is place my faith in Jesus and he would cure me of it (which presupposes that I want to be cured).


Any thoughts?

The comic strip Clear Blue Water features two parents who have four children. One is a 5-year-old autistic son named Seth. Sometimes Seth has a meltdown in public and his mother catches nasty comments from onlookers. She also fires back. It's nice to see someone sympathetic to the parents.

The refrigerator mother theory is leftover from the 50's-60's. It was abandoned by anyone with a brain a long time ago. If anyone throws that in your face, give them bloody hell.

The Refrigerator Mother theory was (like mysteryfan says) an old myth started by a fraud "psychologist". It was based on the idea that the mother was "frigid" and that she harbored feelings of hatred for her child, to the point of psychologically injuring that child, causing autism.

These days it seems that those who blame parents go the opposite direction. They say that we "spoil" because we don't "make them" talk, behave, work, socialize and we treat them too immaturely. I have had nurses tell my that "all that kid needs is a good whuppin'!" Seriously, there are people in the medical profession that believe you can beat autism out of the child.

Plenty of these people don't believe that autism is "real" because "they never saw it" in their youth. Because "back when" autistic people were institutionalized. It was just done that way. I can't stand talking to some older people about autism because they will just lie. Because they know there were people that were shut away and they never complained or protested.

My mother is a Fan Assisted Oven and my father is a Dishwasher, I have turned out to be a Tumble Drier, there are no refrigerators in my family.

A lot of people don't understand autism and don't want to, they want their 'facts ' spoonfed by tabloid press, these are usually the most vociferous. I am sure their are many people who don't believe this rubbish and have suffered other slurs.

Most of us try to be the best parents we can and maybe feel we are failing, makes us try all the harder.

Well, all you can do is try.

I got told by my ex that it is my fault Damo is the way he is. What a load of *****. him and my sister are the only ones that have told me I'm not doing the right thing among other negatives. Glad he is gone and I haven't spoken to my sister in over a year. Damo's pysch said "I am a credit to Damo and doing a great job"
His Paedriatician said I am doing everything I can for him and very considerate, he just needs time and help.

No 'professional' has called me a refrigerator mother tho.
I too agree that term is way outdated.

i haven't been called a refrigerator mom, but i've definitely gotten comments and stares about my parenting style.....feels really awful some days.

I've never been accused of being cold towards my child. I do get accused of spoiling him and letting him have his way all the time (which is NOT true).

People always have advice for other parents. I found out that annoying truth as soon as I became a mom.

I haven't been called a refrigerator; it's obvious I'm not that way, I think; but as KimJ said, I have been accused of overly permissive parenting.

When my son was in preschool he had many difficulties with behavior, and the preschool director never came out and said it was my fault, but pretty much everything she said and suggested made me realize that she certainly considered it to be my fault. We had no idea my son was Aspie. To humor the preschool director, we entered into family counseling. Well, they didn't pick up on the Asperger's either, but after a year of weekly counseling, and several expert observations, the counselor delivered her findings: there was nothing wrong with my son, and nothing wrong with us as parents. My son's behavior problems were the natural extension of things that had occured to him at the preschool (HAH!), and other normal disruptions like losing a grandfather, and having a sibling born. She, in fact, congratulated us on being so sensitive and responsive to his needs, and described our son as a "magic child" (which is supposed to be a positive thing, for a creative and inventive child; but I've never been able to find more on the internet).

Not that this report was ever delivered to that preschool director. Despite many efforts by the counselor to get in touch with her, she never returned any calls.

I guess it is easier for people to assume blame must lie in some way with the parents, than it is to figure out a child that doesn't meet a preconceived pattern.


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I do want to add that it has been cool to see how awareness is growing. About a year ago my son had a meltdown at the acquarium, and one older woman stopped by and kindly asked if there was anything she could do to help. I said no, then she thought for a moment, and asked if he was autistic. I said yes, he was on the spectrum. She nodded and said I think you are handling him well.

My mom has been accused. Nobody knew I was autistic. I know not whether someone dared to say it in her in her face, but when I was in kindergarten, people usually said it in front of me, not thinking I would realise it and hear them speaking.
Later on, in secondary schools, teachers accused my parents of bad parenting very often. Makes me wonder how rude and insulting teachers are allowed to be. I never breathed a word of it to my mother.

My father accused my mother of 'having messed up raising me' and that he'd want to beat her silly for it. Oh well, that's just him, glad I didn't grew up with him.

Reality was different. My mother cared a lot about me and took care of me and my autistic behaviour too, helping me a lot in these matters without being aware of it.

Wouldn't it be great to see Steven Segal or Chuck Norris in a movie as an autistic guy who tells some smartass, "Okay, beat my autism out of me"?

I'd pay full price at the theater to see that one.