I'm allowed to get angry too! (arn't I?)

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IT's late and I should be in bed. I'm a first time user of this site , but at first glance I'm hoping there is at least someone who has had similar feelings.
My as son is the angry/moody/irritable sort and among other things happening at the moment the constant rudeness and irritability gets to me at present.
I was helping him with homework this afternoon and could see that he was stuck on a question and I asked it over and over again, sort of explaining it, but not as much as I could have. I knew full well that he wasn't getting it, but I think I was ebeing stubborn so it ended with me walking away in frustration.
I know all about AS, (going on 4 yrs), and various therapists have said I do well with him, but I think the best way to describe it is that I feel like this huge big fraud.
My partner and I had a discussion(?!), this afternoon as he walked in on my reprimanding ds yet again, and couldn't understand why I was walking around with a grumpy look on my face. It's not his fault, but I was further incensed that he doesn't realise what having someone constantly angry at you all day can feel like.

Is it wrong to have days where I get cranky too? And yet if I do feel like this, it feels wrong somehow.
PS. Sorry for long post.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad about having feelings.
The repetition gets to me too. Which is really what it is. Repetition of complaints, yelling, interuptions, etc. Our best bet at dealing with persistent crankiness is to redirect. But you really have to detach yourself and apply a lot of energy to redirect someone's focus. My worst days with my son are when I can't pull myself out of the abyss and really change the direction of the tide.

Spouses that come home don't always see the big picture. They missed their child and the child is happy to see them. Then what's the matter wit you?! My husband has the opposite issues. He comes home and my son goes nuts because of the transition. (We can't pinpoint the exact time Husband arrives, it varies up to two hours) So, all he sees is insanity, anger, heightened tension and noise. He thinks we sit around all day like that.

it's a confusing life we live....having to shelf our own feelings to deal with our children.....they can be exasperating. they can also be a joy....some days are so very hard, and others are just wonderful.....take care of your anger. let it out. write it down. i should really take my own advice, i guess............

Of course you're allowed to be cranky. It just doesn't feel good. And you're not allowed to harm other people with your crankiness, but you know all this. I hope you can find some space to rejuvenate.
I'm also glad I'm retired from full time caretaker of my autism plus daughter. I seem like such a nicer person now.

My son seems to be able to absorb and understand it when I say, "I know it's not your fault, I'm just frustrated and mad right now, and I need to express it." I don't know if that would be true accross the board with AS kids, but mine seems to be able to let me vent while not integrating it as something personal against him. I am still careful about it, of course: the pre-qualifier should never be an excuse to be abusive. But people need to vent, and modeling that for our AS kids seems to me to be acceptable. It is something we talk about, when we're all calm. How he felt; how I felt.

Sometimes I will ask him to calm a stim, or will distract him away from it, just because I can't handle it at the moment, and he seems to be able to do that provided these sorts of requests are very infrequent. Since I know the stims calm him and help him focus, I have to be feeling pretty rough before I would ask such a thing. There's a lot of give and take there, and he seems to know it.

BUT, my son is considered light AS, so I can't say how much can be applied elsewhere.

Too darn right we can feel angry at times

I too get so sick of the routines, reptition, rules........
But what helps keep me and my emotions in check is remembering that It is not his fault
I am kinda lucky in a way (or maybe not) that I don't have a partner/husband so I don't have to deal with conflicting discipline methods.
Various 'professionals' have also told me that I am doing great.

Just remember that You can't be a supermum, no one can.
You are allowed to feel angry, grumpy, frustrated, sad.
It has taken me a while to realise that tho.

It's absolutely normal to get frustrated and angry. I have 3 sons - 2 with Asperger's and I get angry and frustrated at times.

In fact, I'm going to have a mini vent now - forgive me for intruding on your thread.

This morning my son forgot his school bag so had a meltdown in the car which involved growling at me (a scary sounding angry growl) and telling me off.

I had to stay calm to get him calm and drop him off at the classroom. I was cranky!

I had to drive home, get his bag and go back to the classroom. When I got to the classroom he told me to put his bag in the bag rack because he was too busy. I told him he had to put it in the bag rack himself, otherwise he wouldn't know where I'd put it.

I went home and spent the day doing housework to help my 7 year old who has just had extensive allergy testing and is highly reactive to dust-mite. Also, he is allergic to egg, dairy, wheat etc.

So I spent the day washing, ironing and re-hanging his curtains, giving his room a good clean/dust + washing his pillow, doona etc etc.

Then I baked food for him to comply with his dietry restrictions.

Also, spent time on the phone trying to coordinate appointments between the boys' psychologist and stupid acting Vice Principal (usual Vice Principal is on maternity leave). Boys have a new Special ed teacher who is lazy and useless, and acting Vice Principal is too ineffective to do anything.

Did this while looking after our 4 year old son. I picked the kids up from the bus and it was a steady stream of meltdowns. New stupid special ed teacher at school has completely withdrawn support for the boys (that's another long story to tell) so kids are going psycho.

Still manage to have dinner on table.

I try to let off steam to my husband tonight and he starts asking me if I'm depressed.

Helen

Yes, yes, yes, yes and YES you are allowed to get angry sometimes.

Just do your best to mitigate the damage and take time for yourself to step away and calm yourself when you need to. I know that's not always easy.

You're not alone. I scare myself with my own anger sometimes. I'm getting help for it, though. Make sure you get help if you need it, too.

Good luck.

First of all, let me say that it's great to see that there are people from other parts of the world with similar problems. That sounds a bit naive but you get so caught up in your own little world and all of its issues that you sometimes forget that there are others too.

My husband is generally in agreement with the whole disipline story, even though he sometimes can make a volatile situation worse without meaning to.

I do know that anger can be healthy etc etc, but I feel as if allowing anger to show is sort of like admitting defeat. As I tried to explain to my husband the other night after a particularly hard day and I was feeling grumpy, upset and worn out, "If I fall apart, then who else is going to keep this family going?". In other words if I let myself think about things too much and get upset, it can open the floodgates.
I'm pretending to be strong for as long as possible

PS. God I sound like I need therapy!

You took the words right out of my mouth. Usually it is the mother who takes the lead role in managing the family.



I've been going to therapy for about 5 months - initially weekly, now I'm down to 1/month.

The therapist works in an Autism/Asperger's clinic + is my sons' therapist so she has an excellent understanding of what my home life is like.

For many years I really, genuininely thought I was insane, putting on a good show. Having the 2 boys diagnosed with Asperger's was a great help.

With therapy I realise the following is common in Mum's who have children with AS:
- Feelings of isolation. Other parents don't understand their family life
- Feelings of being judged. Well .... yeah .... all those snide comments at school / shops .... yes we are judged
- Feelings of not being good enough. We try our best, but are always worried we are failing our children.

Make sure you take time for yourself. My therapist ordered me to have time for myself every week.

I make sure I catch up with friends, by myself, 1/week.

Helen

Same here. Can't emphasize this enough. You must take time for yourself. I'm lucky to have a very capable husband, but often I still don't feel that I can "let go" and "relax" a moment. I always feel guilty when I leave my husband alone with our son, even though generally it's fine, he does fine.

I know not everyone had a great, helpful partner like mine. I don't know what I'd do without him.