advise for dealing with asperger's in a split household

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I am the father of 2 girls, ages 8 and 5 (pushing 6). my eldest, Rose, is an asperger's child. their mother left me going on 5 years ago (she actually declared the marriage over but stayed living in the same home with me for maybe 9 months after the fact before moving out). After about a year where the girls were spending the majority of the time with me the they started spending equal time at each household after the divorce settlement. We are splitting time and having been for the past year 2 years by alternating weeks.

While it does work well in terms of keeping both parents involved in the girls lifes, which is important as long as it remains practicle, it would be challenging on the most typical child. Obviously the challenges are even more so with an asperger's child. Rose needs stability to be able to function and this is inherinatly not a stable situation. Thankfully she has adapted to the ruitine after a fashion, seeing the week at the one house, the week at the other, as part of her pattern. There still are issues though. Rose does go through an adaption time when she comes back to my house (and I would assume the same is true when she returns to her mother's home). The homework ruitines are different, which makes something that would be a struggle anyway even more demanding. Mostly her difficulties manifest themselves at school. I can't help but thinking that if things were more stable for her at home that she would do better in the classroom.

Has anyone here had any experience raising an asperger's child in a split home and have any advise on how to make dealing with this easier and how to make Rose's life better? Its something that troubles me constantly because I know its far from an ideal situation and there is no go way to change it.

I have no experience with it but can easily envision how difficult it would be for my son. Is there any possibility that your ex and you can sit down and agree on routines that will stay the same at each household, such as homework? Perhaps identify the 2 areas that you believe are most important to your daughter in terms of needing stability, and then lock you and your ex into a room until you can agree on something that will work in both households.

i have not had to deal with this either, but hope that you and your ex can work out some routines that can remain consistent for your daughter's sake.....

I was an aspergerian girl in a split household.... only i can't really help as much with the one week here.... one week there thing.... because my parents lived too far away.... and i was unDx'd at the time... I would go for summer to my dad's, and live with mom for school... my schedule stretched out over a year.

I can tell you that once she figures out "ok Dad's house.... we do this this and this.." then "Mom's house .... we do that that and that" it will work better.... Even just sitting down with her and writing out what goes on in each house. I loved vin diagrams for stuff like this.

One side would be mom, one side dad, the middle both. The more things that can be agreed upon in the both category, the better. You wouldn't even have to sit with your ex-wife to do it. Fill out your side with your daughter, then she can fill out her side, then your daughter can fill in the middle, and if anything big needs pulled together you should be able to see it. (I suggest doing this with your daughter, because she, more than anyone, knows exactly what her schedule should be or is).

EDITED TO ADD: this may be a fairly long and complex list because it is basically a 2 week long schedule: from when she wakes up to when she goes to sleep. Some things will be every day things, like breakfast and school and somethings will be once a week things like, i don't know, friday night chinese night (my dad) or tuesday night pizza night (my mom). The important thing is for her to incorporate the entire two weeks as the schedule, instead of week one schedule, readjust to another week different schedule. if she can see it laid out, it might help.

I guess we have arrived at an unusual solution. It happened before the Asperger's was diagnosed.

The kids stay with me, no switching homes, Their Dad comes and goes as he can around work, school, etc. Open door policy. He averages 3 or 4 evenings a week and Sunday. It's not always easy for me, but things are very consistent for the kids.

Is there a way for the two of you to work together for more consistency? Is there a therapist or mediator that could help develop a plan? I do understand that relationships may not make any discussion possible. Could a third party help?

Hopefully, things can improve on their own with time and repetition.

Sounds like you have your kid's interests at heart, and I think that helps a lot.

My son visits his dad every other weekend. I would say that visitations are very difficult for a kid on the spectrum. My son loves his dad, but he resents the visitation schedule. He would prefer not to visit his dad. He has never completely gotten used to any visitation schedule.

I felt that way when my parents split up and had "joint custody." I was supposed to spend every weekend or something with my father. I HATED that, because it was externally imposed. It wasn't that I didn't want to ever see my dad, but my mother was upset about things (and tried to use me as a spy against him) and some weekends I really just wanted to hole up in my room and read or go out with my friends, and I'd be told "NO, you're going to see your father." Whether I liked it or not. No one asked me how I felt. How I felt was irrelevant. Even if I could find words to describe what I was feeling, I was told that I was "wrong" and didn't feel what I said I did, or that my feelings were inappropriate or selfish. But then I'd go see my dad, because I had to, and he didn't seem too concerned with whether I was there or not - he always had some girlfriend or other and they always had kids, so he'd take them out for ice cream or whatever and I'd be just along for the ride, in the way, a reminder of "that crazy ex-wife of his."

It totally sucked.