my beautiful son

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hi. i just found this site so i'm new to this.

i am a young mum of 3 beautiful kids, my eldest being diagnosed with AS 3 years ago. he was bullied his whole way through junior school, and now 5 months into senior school he has been the victim of 3 attacks. we live in dublin, ireland, so there is not much knowledge or support surrounding AS. there is a group called Aspire, but they can only do so much as the irish government don't recognise AS. my son is feeling depressed and has mentioned killing himself recently. i'm so worried. on top of all that, my husband has also been diagnosed with AS so i feel so alone and isolated and don't know how to help them. can anyone offer any advice? thanks for listening. ciara.

take heart, Ciara. We have found a community here that educates, communicates and restores our balance in the world. The Parents' thread will surround you with buoyant hope and wonderful insight into the workings of the Aspie mind. There are neurotypicals that understand the intricacies of living with us with AS.

Welcome home, Ciara. We are glad you found us.

all the best,

Merle

my husband and son both have AS.....they were both diagnosed within 3 months of each other. son was 13, hubby was 38.

i'd suggest finding a therapist or counselor for your son ASAP. My son went through a very deep depression due to all of the bullying he endured. counseling, anti-anxiety meds, and anti-depressants have helped my son to become a much happier individual..........of course, it also helped to get him out of the bad school environment he was in.

i don't know much about bullying laws in Ireland, but here in the US there are laws which are meant to protect students from such situations. sometimes you have to force the issue with the school....

Hi and welcome.

thank you to all those who replied to my cry for help. it really meant a lot to know there are genuine people out there who care and understand what we're going through. your comments were so helpful and insightful that i'm just so relieved that there are people on the same page! you have all given me so much hope. i just wish there wasn't so much ignorance in the world. when matthew was bullied in junior school, the attitude was that he brought it on himself. it was another teacher who advised us to change schools for his own safety. they had an anti bullying policy, but they didn't implement it and denied there was any bullying. it wasn't worth the paper it was written on. we complained to the department of education who investigated, and the principal resigned 2 weeks later! that was matthews first victory against ignorance. but he has a long way to go. thank you all again so, so much. this is like a life line for me. matthew is a wonderful human being who teaches me something new every day, but i'm still very much in the dark. looking forward to your wisdom.

Welcome!! That just breaks my heart to hear what your son has gone thru and is going thru! I wish people could just learn to embrace differences. The schools and their anti bullying laws, they never seem to follow thru or they just turn their heads. Hang in there!

Hello Flower. First of all pardon my ignorance, but being a Dane "5 months into senior school" doesn't mean anything to me.
How old is your son? How is he bullied, and for what reasons? What are you curently doing about his thoughts on killing himself?
I think it is safe to say that everyone you will encounter on this forum wants your son (and by extencion you) to be happy.
If you simply want our support: You HAVE IT! But if you wan't us to actually be of some use in our advice: then we need more info.

My advice is hang in there and lobby and advocate for your son and all people with AS. as an adult who was diagnosed at 23 I know the pain and depression this can cause. When I was first diagnosed five years ago thew knowledge in Australia was fairly limited now it is quite a well known condition. I got the police and road traffic authority to be trained in AS all because of my own letter writing. Perhaps you should write to the school authorities etc.

thank you anders and caster2 for your comments. i'm sorry if i haven't been clear enough. senior school in ireland is also called 'secondary school'. junior school is from the age of 4/5 to 12. then they go into secondary school at the age of 12/13 for 5 years. he was bullied for no reason other than he is a bit different. he is a very sensitive, artistic boy and not at all a 'fighter'. this makes him a very easy target. because he can't read the social situations, he didn't pick up on the spiteful comments and underlying taunting and kept giong back for more. they didn't want him around so it escalated from there. we changed his school, on the advice of a teacher, for his last 2 years of junior school. his new school was wonderful, very supportive and understanding and went out of their way to do all they could. it gave him great confidence and he felt safe. he will be 13 in april and started senior school in sept 07. already a few kids have picked up on his little differences and are giving him a very hard time. during his first week at the school, he came home with a black eye. he found all the kids and the noise in the corridor overwhelming and tried to get out. one of the 'bullies' spotted him and blocked his way. matthew was getting more paniced and tried to push his way past, so this boy punched him. but, according to matthew that day, he had a great day! he tells me what he thinks i want to hear. he also tends to focus on the good bits in the day and blocks out all the bad, so we never really know whats gone on unless the school rings us. his teachers are doing their best with the little information they know about AS. they will be sent to seminars on AS whenever they arise. as for his suicidal thoughts, at the moment he is attending play therapy once a week. there is a social skills drama group recently set up by prof. carmel o'connor, trinity college. unfortunately, because there is no government funding for AS, it is very expensive (700euro) and a long waiting list. his dad (who was diagnosed with AS recently) is an actor, so he's doing what he can. if you need to know anything else, please ask.

is the play therapy with others, or by himself ?

hi ster. his play therapy is by himself.

your husband was also diagnosed with AS. do you suggest anything for adults? there's very little for children here in dublin, let alone adults. how do you cope? i'm seeing signs of AS in my other two children, girls age 9 and 6. i know they'll get help and support, but what coping mechanisms do you have for yourself? do you find it overwhelming?

1. perhaps the play therapy should also be focusing on coping mechanisms for social situations ?

2. my hubby goes to a support group for adults with aspergers. he should go to the group more often, IMO, however he doesn't...i think part of the issue is that hubby is so much higher functioning than lots of others in the group. he ends up feeling really badly for the others and their plight.

3. as far as seeing AS in your other kids goes, well i went through that too shortly after both dxes hit us.i have one NT son, and a daughter whose current dx is ADHD. not so sure about this dx, but she is receiveing help in school with her social skills. she is also in girl scouts. my aspie son was in scouts too. this helped alot with social skills. it offered a structured, safe environment to practice getting along with others etc.....

4. i find things very overwhelming at times. it's hard when you feel like you're the only NT in the house. things i'd like to do , i find myself avoiding so i can avoid conflict or avoid setting someone off. i see a therapist once a week. just so i can talk to someone else. get another opinion.

thanks for your reply ster.

i am also seeing a therapist once a fortnight. i find it has been a great outlet for my worries and fears and having someone to give out to about the unfairness of it all.

my husband is also attending a therapist twice a week. its really helping him to come to terms with everything and to help him understand who he is. like you, sometimes i don't say or do the things i want for fear of rocking the boat or disrupting routine. sometimes i'd like a bit of the spontanaeity that 'normal' relationships have. having to watch what i say, or the tone of voice that i say it in is another aspect. the amount of arguments that started because what i said was misread is too many to count. most of the time i felt hard done by and hurt by his reactions or lack of sympathy or help when i needed him. i spent a lot of time crying, feeling depressed, undervalued and unappreciated. sometimes unloved and very alone in our relationship. but now, knowing he has AS, everything seems to make sense. there's a reason for the behaviour. he didn't deliberately set out to hurt me -he just didn't see. sometimes i'd like to be seen. i know sometimes i'm still going to feel lonely and overwhelmed, and like i'm constantly the 'mum', but there's more than enough love to get us all through.

i went back to college to study to be a special needs assistant. i find this a great help. not only has it given me something to do for me, it is also giving me better understanding of my husband and son and the tools to better our lives. the way i treat certain behaviours in my son, i'm starting to implement them on my husband. and they work! he doesn't know about them, but i have an inward giggle when i've defused a situation without him knowing whats hit him!!

it will be hard, but life is a challenge. and i like challenges.

flower~ you may as well have just read my mind and written down its contents !....our lives seem quite parallel. hang in there

thank you ster, so, so much!

just to know that someone else really understands and knows how i'm feeling is a huge comfort. it's not so isolating to know that you're out there. my thoughts are with you.

thanky you again. ciara.

Ciara, it sounds like you have already been really active in getting the help you need. That said, I'm worried about your first post where you say your son has been depressed and talking about suicide. Many of us have found anti-depressants very helpful. I, for one, never even considered meds until my son hit puberty and developed dibilitating anxiety problems. His meds (fluvoxamine) made an enormous difference. Maybe it's another avenue you should investigate?