Parties & Visits with Grandparents

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I have AS. My husband has something (a different flavor of AS?). My kid is generally high functioning, but "off". (He's got fabulous conditioned responses so can pass for NT in public.) 3 of 4 grandparents are NTs.

We had 1 birthday party for our kid - it was as small as possible, but still overwhelmed us. We haven't had a party since. We don't even acknowledge birthdays in our home. We do not decorate for or otherwise celebrate holidays. We try to limit and/or avoid family visits. It isn't because we don't like the grandparents but because these visits are long, loud, noisy, chaotic, and gift-filled. We give most of the stuff away directly. We have said, "no gifts please," but it hasn't worked.

They just don't get it. But I don't know how to explain it either. How can I tell loving grandparents, who happen to be NTs, that I just want them to leave my family alone without offending them? Is there a less-horrible middle ground that I can suggest?

How about celebrating birthdays with an outing? A picnic someplace where no-one is expected to sit at the table and make conversation but everybody can wander off and spend the afternoon sitting on a swing or playing with other people's dogs or whatever makes them happy, and no tidying up afterwards beyond throwing paper plates and cups into the nearest trash can.

As for gifts: Surely there is something your kid wishes for. Just ask him and pass on the tip to the grandparents.

Sorry, let me clarify - the grandparents are all 500+ miles away. So there is major travel involved to have a thing, plus nights spent in houses, etc. It's not like they live within a short drive.

My kid likes matchbox cars and dinosaurs. There's a limit to how many I can stand to have in the house, which we hit at about age 2. We have plenty and keep them well organized. We can't EVER lose one - he has a meltdown. But we really don't need any more.

I am a little perplexed by your post so need a little more info. if you don't mind me prying?! How often are you invited to drive the 500+ miles to see the relatives or vice versa? Do they invite themselves over without any input from you? Do they stay in your house?

If they are loving grandparents (as you say) and if the relationships are important to you do you really want to tell them to "stay away" (as you said) or do you simply want them to visit on terms that are more accomodating to your needs? Does your son enjoy celebrating anything or is it just too much for you?

Some people truly want to show their love for you through material things - it is not my "thing" but I graciously accept them for the gesture shown. We can't convince my mother in law to stop buying us crap for Christmas - it makes her happy to do it.

Sorry for being so nosey- it's an interesting post.

I dont see anyway really around your situation without offending someone.
At my first read of your post (no offence ment to you) I was very confused, however I then reread it.

I am NT my 9 year old is AS I have a friend that lives on the otherside of the country and whilst I love to see her, I dread her visits because they are too long. She has to stay either at my house or her mothers house, they are not quick overnight visits, she has a much different way of dealing with her kids than I do.
The visits are extremely disruptive, but she just doesn't get it.

Any way I said all that only because I think I now know where your coming from.

Perhaps you could suggest on the gift giving- money, or a bank account for your son. That way if his interests ever change he can buy what he wants, or it can help him pay for something big when he is older.

Perhaps for the visits you could have a holiday half way or somewhere else, then you know how long it will last, it takes the pressure off you to be a host or a pleasent visitor,you would all be on holiday together.

Good luck

Rachel46:
No need to apologize - I asked for help!

The grandparents are divided into three family units. Each likes to be visited around Christmas/New Years (us driving to their houses - 10 days total) and each likes a second visit usually at our house. The second visit varies by unit from a long weekend (my mother/father) to two weeks (my totally Cleaver-esque inlaws.)

When we travel, we stay at their houses and vice versa. Participation in all aspects of the home is par for visiting behavior, from cooking and cleaning to child care to home improvement projects. (They have been known to spontaneously peel wallpaper. We have been asked to fix plumbing.) Visits also include activities, like trips to museums and zoos and restaurants.

Socially, I am on the low end for AS. I don't really want people around at all (don't ask how I ended up married with a child) and I survive with a rigid schedule, planning, and forethought. My husband and child like people more and are less schedule-dependent. My husband, child and I all get overloaded on the annual road trip. I tilt on the two week visit to our house. I can survive the weekend-length trip.

I dont see anyway really around your situation without offending someone.
At my first read of your post (no offence ment to you) I was very confused, however I then reread it.

I am NT my 9 year old is AS I have a friend that lives on the otherside of the country and whilst I love to see her, I dread her visits because they are too long. She has to stay either at my house or her mothers house, they are not quick overnight visits, she has a much different way of dealing with her kids than I do.
The visits are extremely disruptive, but she just doesn't get it.

Any way I said all that only because I think I now know where your coming from.

Perhaps you could suggest on the gift giving- money, or a bank account for your son. That way if his interests ever change he can buy what he wants, or it can help him pay for something big when he is older.

Perhaps for the visits you could have a holiday half way or somewhere else, then you know how long it will last, it takes the pressure off you to be a host or a pleasent visitor,you would all be on holiday together.

Good luck

Sorry I don't know how that posted twice.

We don't throw parties for our son anymore, either. On his last birthday, his father took him and his best (only) friend to play laser tag. They had a terrific time.

I can imagine that for you guys, all that traveling and staying at various houses with various people (however loved) would be really really difficult. All that change and inconsistency! A nightmare.

I hope at least some of these grandparents understand your situation, although very likely they won't. I've encountered family members who think we're the selfish ones, not THEM (it's them).

Not sure if this was helpful.

My AS husband decided that the year we were forced to stay in a hotel while visiting his mom was the best thing that ever happened to us. His mom remains unhappy about it, but it was done to keep peace with my SIL, and we've never looked back. Money well spent to be in control of your schedule and down time.

Now, how to do that without offending anyone ... hmmm ... We did it because my SIL started to whine about how she was never going to get her baby to sleep if we ALL stayed at MIL's at the same time, and we choose to "accomodate" her. I don't know how you manufacture such a situation if one doesn't exist. We were actually upset about having to spend the money at the time, but at the end of the week when we realized that we had actually enjoyed every last minute of the visit this time around, well, wow!, lol.

I do think a realistic and open conversation with the relatives is called for. Emphasise that your condition causes you to have a strong need for routine, a sense of control, quiet, and so on. That you find it difficult with the current visiting arrangements. That you love seeing them, and spending time with them, but that you would deal with it better if there was more privacy involved. That you don't want to turn these lovely visits into something you dread because they run against the sensory issues that are part of your condition. Whether or not you actually find the visits lovely, or love seeing the relatives is beside the point - make sure you phrase the discussion so that they believe you do.

Some families always stay in hotels when they visit. Some in homes. Both, long run, are perfectly acceptable. What needs to be done is break the assumption. While that can be rough, once they see that you do truly WANT to spend quality time together, and feel the small amount of extra distance enhances that, I think they will "get" it.

I have NO idea if any of this addresses what you are after, but maybe?

As for parties - we've ditched those, too. My son liked them as a toddler, because it made him feel like he had tons of friends, but he now realizes that he prefers a special outing with just a few people that he is truly close to. The last few years he's gone on a hike and had a picnic afterwards.

We don't do parties. For birthdays we take the kids(and parents on their b-days too) to the restaurant of their choice. We do presents and cake at home after. We invite the grandparents if they're in town, but that's about it. I can't stand large get-togethers or parties and neither can 3 of my 4 kids.

I guess it all depends how "overwhelmed" you are getting by it. I think that in many grandparent relationships there has to be some degree of give and take on both sides. I'm an NT, but can relate to you situation in some ways, as I had issues with in-laws coming to stay or vice-versa (too long a story for this post!), and would spend weeks dreading it and worrying. We only had visits a couple of times a year, and so I just took a deep breath and decided just to make the sacrifices.

I think one of the key things to think about is the importance of them visiting to get to know your child/children. In the long-term this is an extremely important relationship for the child. Maybe there are some things that would make it easier, but it would be a shame to not have the contact at all. I agree with things like staying in motels, or them staying with you and going somewhere else for a couple of nights in the middle. Also, things like (if you are able to) having a house that has some extent of self-contained accommodation for visitors (my grandparents used to come and stay for 1-2 months, live downstairs, get most of their own meals etc.). Also, having the flexibility of leaving your child/children with the grandparents, while you go away for a couple of nights or for a holiday (yah!).

I'd be interested in whether you struggle with both sets of grandparents ie. are your parents more sensitive to your needs since they know you? Is it mainly with your in-laws? (in which case your husband/partner may have to explain some stuff to them).

Thanks for clarifying- wow I can't imagine having to do that every Christmas! My only advice is that you have to do what you have to do to keep your sanity BUT soemhow keep the relationships intact. Easy right!? Staying in a hotel (if it is financially possible) would be my first choice - Cutting the trip in half would be another - does it have to be a 10 day ordeal?

You think they won't "get it" but maybe they will if you approach it in a way so it doesn't offend. You know your family better than us - some people are easily offended and will always hold a grudge for a percieved wrong- some people may initially balk at that change of plans and some will just go with the flow. But you can't please everyone -you have to take care of you and your own family first - GOod Luck!