Another new parent here

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Hi all!

I've already introduced myself in the 'getting to know you' section, but I thought I'd better say hello here too, since this is the section of the forum that I'm likely to be haunting for the next while.

I have 8 year old twin sons who are currently undergoing an assessment with a psychologist. She hasn't given her official diagnosis yet, but has said that she thinks it is likely AS for one of them in particular but probably both (identical twins who have a lot if not all of their quirks and difficulties in common). I was very sad and scared about what that diagnosis might mean at first, but since finding WP (I've been lurking around here for about a month) have been incredibly encouraged and inspired. I really love the person who each of my sons is, and having AS won't change that. It'll just help us to understand them better and help them more (especially at school).

I've also begun to wonder about my own NT status, considering the fact that many of the traits of my sons' which are considered AS, I always assumed were just bits of personality that they'd inherited from me...the super sensitivity to smells, textures etc., intense focus on their interests, need for extra personal space, difficulty with eye contact etc.

Anyway I look forward to participating in this community. I have about a million questions, but I thought I'd pace myself with just introductions today.

Hi and welcome!
This is a great place for us parents. Twins - double trouble - good luck with the evaluation.

Hi annotated_alice welcome to the "right" Planet

I am also a twin, I am diagnosed with Aspergers, I feel my twin brother also has, but he has decided been the way he is for long enough and does not want a label, even though I feel he should know because his son who has had lots of problems at school has just been diagnosed with aspergers. I was only diagnosed myself last year and now my older son has been diagnosed, and feel there are lots of others in my family can see traits etc.. now understand more myself.

Hello and welcome!

Welcome!

I believe all children come with gifts and burdens, just that with AS children the gifts tend to shine brighter and the burdens tend to be more frustrating. A bit of a life more in extremes, I guess.

It seems to be very common for parents to wonder about their own AS status after their children have been diagnosed. Both my husband and I went through that. Since someone here noted 46 genes are involved, well, it seems that it would also be possible to have a bunch of the genes, but maybe not "be" AS. My husband has slowly become really confident that he, himself is AS, but I remain of the belief that I have a bunch of the traits, but never had enough to be given an AS diagnosis. Just enough to contribute to an amazing AS child. Spectrum, lol.

Hi and welcome
This place is a bit of a sanity saver for me at times. I have a 5 year old autistic boy.
Here I realise I am not alone as a parent and Damien is not alone either. I have found many kids/teens/adults do the same things as him and they can help me understand him better. I am one of the few NT's here as well, for once I am a minority
Fire those questions away, the people here have ALOT of knowledge and experience

Thanks for the welcome's.

I had a frustrating morning with one of my sons, and as I was sitting in the car with my head in my hands after finally getting him into the school, I thought "Hey, now I have somewhere to go and talk about all this!"

I think the best part of going through this diagnostic process has been to stop feeling like a bad parent. I mean, I know that my husband and I have always done our absolute best for our sons, but it's hard not to blame yourself when you see your children struggle. I was so excited to be a mom that I read every child rearing book I could get my hands on during my pregnancy, and I had great visions of my children being completely happy, well adjusted, and well mannered with their little minds enriched with all sorts of learning and exploring together and their bodies perfectly cared for with only the best and healthiest of foods etc. etc. It came as a bit of a surprise when my 2 beautiful, impeccably cared for babies screamed all night and day and never, ever seemed to sleep (at least not at the same time!?!) and simply refused to be comforted. In many ways it has been really good for me to give up that silly idealized version of parenthood, that most NT kids couldn't fit into...but it has been tough to try so hard to be the best mom that I can be, and then to watch my sons often have such a difficult time despite my and their best efforts. It's like trying to add 2+2 and getting 5 or 17 or -199, and not knowing why, when other parents and kids around you seem to be able to arrive at 4 and with so much less work!

I almost started crying in the therapist's office when she was complimenting our parenting, saying how lovely our sons are and what positive parents we are, and that she can see the good results of how we interact with and help them, and that we're already doing many of the things she would suggest. After being criticized for being too lenient, spoiling them etc. from the inlaws, and having teachers suggest very kindly, but condescendingly that we have dropped the ball when teaching our sons basic manners etc. (as in "L doesn't seem to know that it's not OK to tell another child he hates them, maybe you should discuss this with him." grrrrrr ), it is a relief to get some positive feedback.

Anyway what DW_a_mom said about DH and herself sharing traits, and then going together to contribute to amazing AS kids is very apt.

My MIL has pretty well everyone in the family diagnosed with AS since our last couple of conversations. It's easy to find "evidence" for something when you're looking hard enough. I'm definitely not sure if I would fit the bill for an AS diagnosis or just have some traits...there have been times in my life where my sensitivities etc. caused enough stress to interfere with my ability to function, but that was many years ago and at this point in my life it doesn't seem worth pursuing a diagnosis one way or another because I am functioning quite well (at least I think so ).

I so understand where you're coming from! It was such a relief to let all that guilt go about parenting and why they turned out like they did!

Alice, thanks for not being sad and scared; the most important thing you can do for your children and their self-esteem is not being sad because of them or part of them or scared because of them or part of them. My mother got depressed and scared when she was ignorant of what AS was really and it was so pathetic; I hated it and the way it made me feel and I just wanted nothing to do with her. Her being sad and scared made me feel like she didn't believe I had the ability to do just as much as everyone else or more, just because I was different. I felt prejudiced against by my own mother; it was a horrible feeling. My mother had no confidence in me, believing I was disabled or would always be disabled or "not 100%" or something.


OMG, sorry, I just had to get that out!


I am a tactless idiot. I have issues. I guess you can ignore me.

No, not at all! I didn't think your post was tactless at all. It was helpful.

It isn't always easy to feel really positive about your children. Like every time I've dropped my son off for school in the last couple of days, he spends so much time arguing with me that I've parked closer to his brother's door (they are supposed to enter the school through different doors) than to his, that he has been late 3 times. And even though I've explained to him that it is approximately the same distance and that I can only do so much in the traffic, he is getting more and more upset about it every day, and I'm getting increasingly frustrated! And that isn't going to help anything.

It's always good to be reminded of how much of a negative impact it has on a kid if we let fear or sadness or frustration take over our parenting. It is really important to show confidence in our children's abilities.

And I think that I'm really lucky that there's so much good information out there about AS right now...like on WP.

It's a lot easier not to be scared and sad when I can come on here and "talk" to insightful, interesting people who also happen to have AS, like you.