New Asperger's Mom

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My son was diagnosed with Asperger's on Friday. I have several Questions, that hopefully, someone can answer.......

1. My son REFUSES to potty train....... Is this part of Asperger's?

2. He often hits me, and tells me that he hates me..... Why, and what can I do to stop, and help him?

3. He constantly asks me if I'm leaving....... Again, why?

I'm so confused, and I have three other children. I love Hunter, and I want to help him, but I'm at a loss.

That just about completely describes how I used to be, minus the hitting...

How old is your son?

I am starting to suspect the refusal to potty train might be an AS thing, my 7 year old would not pee in the potty until almost 5 years old and he still has poop accidents from time to time, he sees a Pediatric GI doctor because he has had so many poop problems (like holding it!) My 4 year old still refuses to potty train, is no closer now than he was at 2 years of age. None of my boys hit me, but my oldest does worry about me leaving, or losing him etc. don't know why though. Poor baby has dreams from time to time that animals are chasing him and he is calling for me to help and I never come. Makes me want to cry.

Welcome

1. It can be.

2. Don't respond emotionally or otherwise. "Sorry to hear that, but I still love you" said simply works, then move on.

3. My daughter has AS. She does something similar. For example, when I take her bike riding I jog along. I got ahead of her once (by just enough that she wasn't riding on my ankles) and she screamed as if the world was ending, "DON'T LEAVE ME MOMMY!! !!" She also asks us to not leave without her if we're going somewhere. I ask, "Do you think we actually would?" She doesn't have an answer.

My son is 3

Hi. Welcome to Wrong Planet. How old is he?

..refusing to potty train - yes. Asperger's. Very, very difficult to get through toddlerhood, and with many times asking yourself, "why?"

It must be aweful for you to get hit and being told by your son that he hates you. "Well I love you" every time is always a good answer for that. But he is just mad and has no idea how to express it.

The person who diagnosed, therapist? Pediatrician? People who are experienced with Asperger's specifically are the best professionals to work with. (or at least experienced with autistic spectrum disorder, etc.) Important to find a good one. They can also be helpful.

You are an experienced mom, so you know the "usual" child stuff. When something seems different with your Aspie, right away please consider anything that might be sensory related. That stuff seriously throws their behavior off. For example...my son (6 years old) can feel a spec of sand in his shoe, sometimes it can even be underneath the cushioned lining at the bottom of the shoe, and I swear he will feel it. His behavior in the morning getting ready for school could be really frustrating if all of his clothes aren't perfectly comfortable...down to the spec of sand at the bottom of his shoe.

At the toddler stage, it was harder to figure out what was wrong because he just wouldn't tell me...or he couldn't tell me.

When he asks you about 'leaving' does he just mean leaving to go to work..leaving the house to run an errand? If so, it's an uncertainty thing with Aspie's and they like to know about schedules and things in advance. Must prepare them for just about everything. They will get anxious and will (unfortunately an Aspie trait) have some low self-esteem.

I'm still learning myself, and I find the Tony Attwood books fantastic. Asperger's Syndrome: A Guide for Parents and Professionals. That book is great.

Hang in there! Yay for your son that you are on top of things.

When he asks you about 'leaving' does he just mean leaving to go to work..leaving the house to run an errand? If so, it's an uncertainty thing with Aspie's and they like to know about schedules and things in advance. Must prepare them for just about everything. They will get anxious and will (unfortunately an Aspie trait) have some low self-esteem.

My son doesnt set, or have schedules. Do you think that if I make a daily routine for him, that it will help?????

Sorry - it took so long to write that, you already answered he is 3.

3 and 4 were the HARDEST years here. (so far)

A nice big calendar so you can write everything what to epext that day.

When somethings changes, I don't know how this is possible, but for some reason, it is easier for him to handle it. There won't be a meltdown. You can say, "oh look...something changed...we can erase it and you have more time in your day to do something else! Sometimes thing change." (rather than the meltdown he used to have at 3 and 4 before we knew about the schedule stuff!)

Recently, we have had to make the schedule even bigger. Our morning in order to get him ready for school has to be all set out. What time we eat. What time to get dressed. What time to get socks on. What time to check shoes for rocks and sand. Get shoes on. Get (a list of book bag check) back pack, etc. I mean, it is very important to enforce this for reassurance and level their anxieties.

Welcome to WP.

Yes, very much so, my Son was about 1.5 years late (after we started training) - it was very frustrating. His younger brother was almost out of nappies before he was. How old is he?



Is he in a bit of a rage at the time - it could be meltdowns. If that's the case, the problem might not be you, it could be anything discomforting to him.


Have you left before? Threatened to? Read any stories about mothers leaving? Did his father leave? He's likely basing this on something he's been exposed to.

welcome!

1. my son only potty trained once we told him that he couldn't go to preschool unless he was potty trained. worked for him because he really wanted to go to school.....( he was 4)

2. the hitting can be part of a meltdown. some kids can get aggressive when they're overly upset & anxious.

3. i remember once, when son was 5, i decided to go out for an early morning walk with my headphones & some great music on ....what i was told later, was that son had seen me leave the house and was terribly upset because i was "leaving". he followed me to the end of our street calling for me-the music was turned up too loud, and i didn't even hear him
fortunately, he turned around and went home....

Welcome!

I think some very excellent points have been made, above. Some things you will find helpful to remember:

Aspie children seem to have a very large need to feel in control of their environment. They like things to be predictable, certain, and the way they like them. It seems to be a core need; don't mistake it for a prima doma complex or anything like that.

Aspie children often have sensory issues and overwhelm very easily. Keep your eyes open for the triggers, and work to mitigate them.

With both of the above, as silly as the needs and requests may seem at times, it is very important to validate the child's feelings, and not brush them off. While standard parenting is to "not give in," you will find it counterproductive to follow that precedent with an Aspie child. All it will do is build a wall between the two of you, with the child getting frustrated and possibly starting to withdraw.

You will find most tantrums born from being overwhelemed, and not from a desire to manipulate. As a result, they need to be handled differently than other parents will suggest.

Transitions are very difficult for Aspie children. You will find that developing "warning" routines is very helpful.

You will also find that your child has the most amazing and fascinating mind on earth, when allowed to thrive.

Best of luck!

I'd write more but I MUST get back to work now!

Three and four were the hardest times for us, too.

Our son is now nine. He was rather late with the potty training, but Lord knows we tried. We reached the point where he would use the bathroom most of the time, but there were MANY "accidents" when he was playing and didn't want to stop playing and then he'd just wet himself. And he would wet the bed almost every night, it seemed, nomatter what we did to make it less scary to get up and go in the night (leaving hall lights on, etc). He didn't even seem to mind laying in a bed with urine-soaked sheets, which was what disturbed me slightly.

Then, an amazing thing happened, and it taught me that I might well have been right in my suspicions that he just didn't care about wetting himself. The night before he started first grade, he stopped wetting the bed, and he's never wet the bed since. We think he decided, "Okay, I'm a big boy now, about to start first grade...time to act big and not wet the bed anymore." And he just stopped. Before this, we had to send him to school in pull-ups, just in case.

I guess he just decided on his own he was ready/willing. He never said he was scared of the toilet or the process of using the bathroom (although we do have a toilet that's air-flow or something and it's incredibly loud when it flushes, and he can't stand to flush that toilet because of the sound). Even scared my mother the first time she used it, and she's NT.

Meantime, all I can recommend is a plastic liner for his mattress, like we used. And buy sheets from the thrift store, so they'll be inexpensive and already washed a lot so they'll be soft, and you'll have extras on hand for those 2am "oh damn, we have to change the sheets" moments.

Good luck! It does get better, I swear.

well hopefully you will find my information useful, i'm an adult with aspergers (mild autism, as well with anxiety disorders) and much more. usually alot of children or adults on the spectrum will have anxiety issues and gastrotestinal problems which may be the reason why your child may have potty training problems. sometimes i get so bad, get really bad stomach gas, which causes diarrea, and sometimes i have to go to the bathroom like every 5 minutes within an hour, and i know when i was a child i would have alot of problems related to this, due to the fact that the diarrea would just come when i least suspect it, it's part of the gastro-testinal system. heres a link for you that may be useful http://www.gutandmentalillness.com/http://www.gutandmentalillness.com/.

I'm an adult now and i really do not have the serious issues here now, i still do have alot of the co-morpid symptoms, (anxiety disorders, ptsd, personality disorder) which your child may never recover from, but you can minimize it by being there for your child.

I don't hit my adopted parents, but when i get really angry, like when they call me a lier, i will scream at them. so whatever you do, do not call your child a lier, or do not provoke them. I still do love my parents, and believe me usually people with autism/aspergers/adhd, will usually say something very offensive, or yell at someone, who try to provoke them, or say something offensive, such as calling your child a lier.

So keep that in mind, that arguements can get very heated for your child, try to keep your talks with your child very simple, and nice tone, try to keep the negative stuff or provoking out of your talks as well. anyway hope this information helps.