New here...and confused.

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Hello,

My 7 year old son was diagnosed with Asperger's in the fall. His mom and I seperated about two years ago and were divorced last spring. I get to see him and his younger brother every other weekend and one night a week.

We've always known something was special about him. Let's just say the more I read and the more I look around here the more I understand. Everything from covering his ears at loud noises, which started at an early age, to his inability to catch a ball and ride a bike make so much more sense. When it comes to social interaction he has to be constantly reminded not to try to hold his friends hands or hug and kiss them good buy. He has zero social boundaries which is making him stand out at school. When he starts to stim (I believe that's the right terminology) I make him aware of it and he stops. Should I be making him aware of it? I don't even know....

I've been feeling so lost and scared for him lately. Today was especially hard. He was with me this weekend and we had a great time together. He is so smart and caring. He is a real joy to be with. But when I told him it was time to get packed up to go back to mom's house he completely melted down. And there is nothing I can do to help him through it. He gets a schedule of what he wants to do in his head and any deviation from that and he gets very upset. It always makes the last half hour of our time together so painful.

I'm just so glad I found this place. Just reading all the posts gives me courage and hope. I just feel so alone like I have no one to talk to about this stuff. I see the pain he is in at times and I see his confusion. I don't get to see him again untill Thursday and all I do is worry about him.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Jim

When it comes to social interaction he has to be constantly reminded not to try to hold his friends hands or hug and kiss them good buy

well being when I was kid, I like Loud noises, I prefer noise to silence. and Well I have no social boundries, but I don't like being Touched, or I feel uncomfatable expressing emotion but as they say, 2 heads of the coin and blessed with both

It's sweet that your son loves to give hugs. :O)

hello Jim_B, I'm a 28 yr old with aspergers, I also have PTSD, Anxiety, depression and alot of other diagnoses along with it. I have pretty much gone though what your son has gone though, my adopted parents divorced when I was little, I lost my mom at 4 yrs old, lost my dad before I was born, It is very important that your son spends time with both you and his mom, otherwise he will have a very depressing, anti social, and very hard life. I can't stress enough how important it is that you stay in communication with your son as much as possible. You are quite lucky I have had a agonizing and painful childhood where i lost contact with my family at childhood, that led me to the below diagnoses before finding out about aspergers about 2 years ago. Somatization Disorder,Generalized Anxiety Disorder,Major Depressive Disorder,Posttaumatic stress disorder,Schizophrenia (undifferentiated Type),Social Phobia
Cognitive Disorder,NOS,Personality Disorder,Visual impairment,Significiant sensory-motor Integration Delay, Hearing loss in left ear and mild sensorial loss in right ear, Disc disorder, intervertebral, lumbar, spine problems, artheritis.

Of course everyone is different, but that is what most adults end up having along with there aspergers diagnoses, i'm just letting you be aware of it, Of course as long as your son doesn't have a painful childhood you could probably end up taking off about half of the diagnoses, but keep in mind that your son may have PTSD or anxiety related disorders along with artheritis or spinal problems when he ends up becoming a teen or adult.

I hope your son doesn't go though what I experienced the last 28 yrs but since you posted related to divorce, keep that in mind. Also there is alot of information out that will help you in this diagnoses now, which there wasn't when i was growing up.




People with Aspergers usually like routines and schedules, try making a schedule of events that you do with your son. hope you do well, and feel free to send me a pm on this forum if you need any advice from an adult who gone though somewhat similar (more serious actually) as your son. Anyway good luck and remember as long as you spend time with your son, it will help alot!!

Hi Jim. Wow, you sound like an amazing, caring person, your son probably gets it from you.

It is tough for kids dealing with divorce, whether they are aspies or not. What you are doing most is trying to understand your child and there is no better thing you can possibly do at this stage. THANKS.

The stimming: making him aware of it is good but stopping it is not always good: it is a coping mechanism. Encourage it when he is upset or about to meltdown. Do it with him. It is also good to learn to control it, e.g. when one is among people that would frame you as weird and disfunctional and don't yet understand why you do it. So: you must be an advocate at his school, for other kids and teachers to understand that it is not weird or freaky, but something that comes with autism. It must not be teased or ridiculed or pointed at or (much worse!) mimicked (unless it is done by a friend that is trying to support him and to understand him, experience what he is feeling). Doing that is mean and bullying and should be stopped by teachers and the appreciation of diversity must be put first. Your kid is not the odd one, they are, if they can't accept his difference, and your kid should not have to take on this discrimination, it is not good for self-esteem. Advocating this is a Good Thing: we need kids to learn to make space for all kinds of differences, not just autism.

Social boundaries is something he must learn because it is respectful towards other kids' needs. This is best done through constant explanation of people's "circle of privacy" around them, how they need to feel comfortable before they talk or engage with someone and how your kid can do things to make them feel more at ease (e.g. just listening to a conversation first before engaging, being more relaxed, not feeling that he has to say something but that just "hanging" with other kids are ok too. ) He only needs one friend, by the way, and right now it is ok if you're that friend. In time, the right person will come along.

Build self-esteem, all the time. Encourage, praise, be kind and EXPLAIN rationally and logically the things you think he should be learning. We can learn anything, our brains are solid

In the future, make sure he knows exactly at what date and time his mom will be fetching him. Get a clock that displays the date and the time, get him his own watch, and make sure he is prepared for it by planning the weekend schedule in advance, on paper, and that would include e.g. packing up his stuff an hour beforehand and saying his goodbyes to stuff he may miss when he's away.

Good luck. You've come to the right place. Give your child my regards. Hope to see him posting in the forums also, soon!

I was also adopted, and my adoptive parents fought a lot and divorced when I was 10. Both my parents remarried, my dad did so four more times and basically stopped having a relationship with me. My mother married an abusive alcoholic who had no interest in parenting me, except constant criticism and sometimes a belt. In 20 years he never once hugged me or told me he loved me or was proud of me. I felt like my whole life was...well, I felt like I burden to everyone who ever knew me. My biological mother gave me away, the people who adopted me didn't seem to connect with me (nor I to them), they didn't like me when I was being myself (very precocious and probably Aspie), and then they devoted all their time and energy to their new partners. Neither one protected me or my brother from abusive step-dad. My father hasn't called me or contacted me (or his grandson) in any way in at least four years. He replaced me with five step-daughters and their families and children. I feel forgotten, shoved aside, traded in on a newer model. Like I was never wanted to begin with, and then the people who adopted me decided they didn't want me, either.

I've suffered deep depression, anxiety, and feelings of utter worthlessness and profound sadness for almost as long as I can remember.

Please do what you can to keep your child in your life, no matter what their age, and let them know you love them just the way they are. It's hard enough to be "different" without feeling unwanted/unloved/unliked/profoundly misunderstood by your own parents. Especially if the kid has already experienced the abandonment of adoption.

Hi,
I'll just start by saying you sound like a wonderful father!

These kids need routine as I'm sure you know, as someone else said your son needs to know whats happening in his life ie when he'll be at dad's when mums coming etc. I'm just wondering if it's at all possible to make the transition a little easier if, mum comes at her usual time then spends maybe an hour with the three of you easing into the transition. Eg, mum comes at five (no pack up yet) mum and dad can be seen to having a coffee talking about whats been happening, mum can catch up with her kids then around 5.30 everyone helps with the pack up, the kids can finish off what they were doing, they've had an hour to visually see mums here and it's just about time to leave, mum and dad are getting along both their worlds have blended.

I just thought blending each situation a little may help, I'm not saying it happens with you, but sometimes going from one thing to another is made very black and white when in reality it shouldn't be. Eg telling the kids just before 5 Ok kids pack up now mums coming any minute,you and the kids pack up then just wait for mum to arrive, Then mum arrives quick exchange of greetings and kids and thats it till the next time, this is very hard for anyone.
These kids are operating in two different worlds, mum and dad need to keep the transitions as smooth as possible, even if you have to pretend. It's possible the meltdowns due to routine/house change are happening at mums house to when it's time for dad to come over. Again dad could/should spend some time easing the kids into it, arrive on time or a little early spend a little while all together perhaps talking about what the plans are whilst you have the kids, give the kids the warning, thats it kids we'll be leaving in 20 minutes, warn them again in 10 minutes, then again in 5 minutes. Remind them that they will see mum again the next day or Sunday night etc.
(These are just my opinions and Im not sure if thats making any sense, I hope so )
So far you sound like your doing a great job, half the battle is recognising the differences, so your half way there.