Parent with ASD having trouble at school functions

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I am a parent with Asperger's, have a husband who most likely has autism (but hasn't been formally diagnosed, although he self stims with handflapping, body twisting, grunting-- makes little eye contact, monotone voice, had language delay, terribly social phobic, to the point that he has difficulty supporting the family), and we have two kids, one who is aspie and the other who is HFA.

My HFA daughter, who is also in a gifted progam, always wants me to attend functions with her. But at the school functions, I have NO IDEA what my role is, or what the other parents are doing. They huddle together and seem to talk to each other, but I am not sure why, since they don't know each other, and what they are saying is of no consequence.

After the last time I attended a school function with her, she was ostracized pretty immediately afterwards. She HAD been making inroads through a lot of social coaching offered by a therapist who was posing as a playground monitor. After school they would meet and discuss strategies for friend making- that way she wasn't singled out and other kids didn't notice.

I was trying to do a good thing by acquiescing to her request that I attend the school function with her, but it seems that I did more harm than good. I am so depressed about this.

Is there social skills training for adults and is it effective?

Yeah, I don't know what to do either. Mingling isn't exactly my strong suit. One thing I found is that the baby (6 mos) is a great ice breaker. Of course, that doesn't work if you haven't got a baby.

Have you tried making a mental list of questions to ask other parents?

My kids recently had an event so I brought cookies and then just asked if the other parents needed any help setting up. They didn't, so I spent my time taking pictures of my kids having fun. It went ok, but I definitely felt like an oddball.

Yes, there is social skills training for adults with Autism and Asperger's Syndrome. They teach such skills at the Kelberman Center for Autism to both children and adults...you simply have to live in an area of the nation where they offer it.

There is also, a parent support group to assist those parents in helping their children achieve their full potential in spite of having
a diagnosis of Autism or Asperger's Syndrome.

I like to bring my camera wherever I go, and since it's perfectly acceptable for a parent to be taking pictures of their kids (although I do tend to wander and get distracted by birds, trees, clouds, how shadows fall across the ground...), I have a perfect "excuse" for not mingling with the other parents so much.

Last soccer season was my most "social" - there was a small group of mothers who seemed to like me and I actually looked forward to chatting with them at practice each week. But the conversations, I began to notice, always ended up as negative gossip sessions about other parents (who I didn't even know). I just didn't like how I felt. So I started taking more pictures, and hanging out with them less.

And bringing snacks is always a great way to appear like you're contributing/mingling, without really doing so! The focus will be on your generosity (and/or baking skills) and not on YOU personally. It distracts people.

I also crochet, and find people more willing to leave me alone or not expect me to interact quite so much if I have my yarn with me and I'm working on some project - I also bring a book everywhere I go, so I can read.

Mind you, sometimes I really enjoy talking to other people - in fact, usually the less I know them, the more I enjoy talking to them. I'm great with cashiers, bus stop conversation, standing in lines, yard sales, elevators, etc. I've learned how to make "small talk" if I WANT to engage in it. But sometimes I don't - that's what my book/camera/cookies/yarn are for.

And yes, I'm sure there are places you can go for adult social interaction training, or whatever it's called. For me, it's just been a lifetime of keenly observing other people, like I observe trees, or insects, or lemurs.

Yeah, I don't do well w/ that kind of talk. My mil is bad about it -- she'll start telling me about some random friend of hers that I've never heard of, let alone met, and I just have zero interest. It's hard to fake it, too.

My son's dev ped wants me to be the room mom next year. I think she must be on something.

hubby has a difficult time in social events too. he gets guilt ridden because he knows the kids want him to go, but sometimes the interaction is just too much.......sometimes he's able to take an "as needed" medication beforehand( his dr prescribed one for just such occasions. helps lower his anxiety level).

hubby also has had much success with taking our dog out with him. the dog is a great ice breaker, but you can't take him to school with you, now can you???

Okay- three great practical suggestions:
1. Get a baby
2. Get a dog
3. Get a camera

I'll go with number three!

I am going to look up that center that does the social skills training. Thanks.

LOL at the list of 3 suggestions.

My advice: claim to have a migraine and wear dark glasses j/k.

Ok, so I have a huge problem with this as well. It's so strange. Every day I go to pick up my 5 y/o from Kindergarden and it seems like all the moms there are best friends and have known each other for years. I feel so out of place. I also have a 6 month old baby, so he's a great ice-breaker and they tend to flock to him anyway. I try to join in on the conversation, but there's rarely anything I can relate to, so I just stand there quietly and listen. I've taken to showing up right on time so that I"m not early and don't have time to kill. LOL!

I also have a huge problem at assemblies and other school functions. Thankfully AS DD does not like to go to school functions and neither does 5 y/o DS (too noisy, too many people), so we're pretty much off the hook for social function type stuff. I feel bad, like we're not supporting the school though, so we make donations in other ways with materials, etc.

I LOVE the camera idea, lol! Also knitting, snacks, have a job, etc.

My husband really has a hard time with school functions, too, although it goes better now that he has volunteered on a bunch of projects and knows many of the other dad's well. Working together every Saturday for 6 months with concrete and dirt will do that for a person (the dad's built out an undeveloped section of the school into a terrace, garden, and outdoor classroom area). So, working on a non-social project where you sit and do your job is one idea. Now that I think of it, it is an AS mom who runs our book fair every year. She does an AMAZING job. She'll never be very social, I know that, but she is very much respected and liked. The rare times she chooses to attend a social function she isn't left alone in a corner (she'll never stay long, though - she loses interest in the conversations and runs out of things to say - which is OK, I just love seeing her, because she is such a lovely person).

Coming to think of it, I could say the same thing about my husband: very respected and liked. But he still doesn't FEEL that way. That confidence thing is a killer, isn't it? Sigh. So what if we're not on the party lists. It's not like he would enjoy going, anyway! I've accepted over time that it doesn't mean you aren't respected and liked, it just means they don't think of you in that context. And, um, is that so surprising? It's not like WE ever invite someone over, or suggest going out to dinner with a group of parents.

Ooops - that last paragraph is more MY personal issue at the moment than yours, lol. Sorry for the diversion.

ANYWAY, finding a project to do for or at school is another tangible idea. That will allow you to become a little more comfortable with a few of the other parents, and to allow the unique skills you have to be noticed in a positive way. Then you can feel you have respect in the school community, even if you know you will never become part of any social click.

Another idea, although more difficult to implement, would be to locate another parent with an AS child, and let that parent know you are also AS, and would like a little help when trying to attend your daughter's functions. You may just find an understanding and willing friend. Or not - depends on how tuned-in that parent is. But, it could be worth the risk. If someone asked me something like that, I would be very willing to do my best for them.

THAT is a fabulous idea.

I second that idea, DW_a_mom!

They're having a luncheon for volunteers. I am not going. I can't take it. I give up.

Simple rules for school functions

1) Say hello to the parents in your childs class (just hi is sufficient) and move on
2) Meet with teacher
3) Excuse yourself as soon as the function is over

How is her theory of mind education going? This can have a large impact on the generalization of the social skills she is leaning.

bookwormde

I skipped the volunteer tea last week too. It's just too stressful and awful and awkward! I figured the whole point was to reward parents for volunteering, and it would have been more like a punishment to me, so I rewarded myself with not going.

I am just not good with the social stuff either. Unless I have a defined role (as in I am busy volunteering) or the conversation has a specific purpose I get a little lost. I can make small talk pretty well for short periods of time and one on one, but for an entire afternoon? in a group of people? I'd rather be doing just about anything else in the world!! !!