Which school?

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I am a school psychologist (sigh - given the questions I am about to ask).

I am extremely tired as I write this - pardon mistakes!

Son will be five years old in August. He was identified as having Autism when he was 2 years old. It was pretty obvious to me when he was even three months old that he was somewhere on the spectrum due to his no eye contact and extreme intrest in objects around him. He was such a good baby. He is considered mild.

Currently, he is one of the most talkative and social little boys ever. He just has a different way of talking and socializing compared to same age peers. It is not noticeable at first but becomes more noticeable when you get to know him more.

I was going to hold him back a year and have him start kindergarten the following year. He is very little and hates being the youngest child. Yet, he really wants to go to kindergarten and he is at least above average in his academic skills and advanced in his nonverbal and verbal skills. He is very smart.

I am struggling, like many others, with what to do about next year.
I have decided to put him in school. Another year won't make him become like other peers socially. He is academically ready now and he really wants to go.

We got him in to a magnet school through the school district. This school is great. It focuses on Art and Leadership skills. We got in through a lottery system. Art is Nate's favorite subject. His skills are probably average to above average in art. His art is just different than his peers. For example, with his Nite Bright, he just created what the duct system under the house probably looks like. He had red for heat and blue for air conditioning. It was pretty impressive to do with just little pegs. His drawings are very mechanical and specific like that as well (like an engineer in the making). Anyways, since it is a school focused on the Arts, I think it could be a good match. They do incorporate music and dancing into their curriculum a lot more than most schools and Nate really HATES dancing and used to hate music. He actually sings some songs now so he may be fine in that area. It could be the best or worst placement for him. I just worry that it will be too big and there isn't enough nurturing. I worry that he will be made fun of. The kids already know he is different. Yet, I do know that the public school system does offer more help than private schools. Nate is advanced intellectually and he maybe more challenged in this setting. I don't know. I have seen that Aspie's have a lot of difficulty in the public school setting just in my job.

There is a private school that we visited the other day. It is through our church and has a wonderful reputation. The class size is smaller. I think they have around 18 kids per class. The principal said there were at least five other Aspie children at the school. Nate tried it out for an hour and did great. He was able to quickly follow the routine. I was amazed. He actually ran out to recess with the other kids and went down the slide. That is big for him as he usually gets a little scared on playground equipment, especially when other kids are around. He gets easily overstimulated. The $$ is a lot. The thing that I liked the most about this school was the amount of parent volunteers. There were three in the classroom while Nate was there. They were so caring. One of them told me that everyone feels like a family. They would get to know him and love his little "quirks!" at least I hope they would.


What would you do?


The Arts and Leadership school is coveted. It is hard to get a place there. We did. It would be hard to get it back. The private school is spendy and may not have enough challenges but yet it seems to provide a lot of emotional support and nurturing.

I just don't know.

how easy would it be to switch schools at the last minute if things don't work out ?.....also, can you have son do a visit of the arts school while students are there to see his reaction to that environment ?

If Nate is average to above average, he may not be able to keep up with the classes.

My son sounds like yours. His skills are the same, but his work is full of power, color and so technical. But he consistently fails art. Not because he can't do the work, but because he wants to do his own work.

If he is already picking up on technical aspects of mechanics, he has a job waiting for him when he gets older as a technical drawer. My husband is working one job right now where he named his price.

If it were me, I would look for more technically centered schools when he gets older. In the mean time, let him go where he is most comfortable.

I do want to see how Nate does in that environment when students are there. Good idea.

I also see him continuously wanting to do his own work. It is actually difficult to know where Nate actual is with his academics because his current preschool has just been working on copying letters the whole year. He has been at that level for the past two years. He has told me over and over again, since the beginning of the school year, that he is very bored. I don't think the preschool has been challenging enough for him but even if he is challenged, he may fight it and want to do his own thing. He probably is still average to above average. It's just a guess. He has an excellent memory, like a lot of our kids have. Re: Art - Yeah, Nate's art work even in preschool is not really at a high level - only when he does his own thing:( Perhaps I need to reconsider the school for the arts. In preschool, he sometimes does do the required work without a fight but he doesn't try that hard.

There is a magnet school for math and science in our school district but it is out of our boundaries, so I would have to provide transportation. Since I work a few days a week, that is not doable right now but could be in the future. Good idea.

As for now, I think I feel more comfortable to have in the private school just because it seems to have more nurturing support.

I don't know. I need to have a meeting at Pioneer and see how Nate reacts. He did have a huge meltdown there when I was talking with a teacher in her classroom. The other kids weren't in there. Nate was doing something and then it was time to go. He got really upset and refused. I had to practically carry him out of the classroom. He was crying all the way down the hall. I have never EVER seen him like that before. I spoke with him later and he said that, "I like playing with older kids not younger kids." He overheard the teacher state that we should hold him back because he is younger. He probably overheard a lot of things because he just picks up on everything. I think his meltdown was part of that. I set him up for failure during that visit because I didn't explain to him that we won't be staying in the classroom. He wanted to stay and meet kids, and also finish his erector set that he was playing with. Again, I have never seen him meltdown like that before in that kind of setting. It really made me wonder if that is the "future" with him yet he was fine visiting the private school. Perhaps that is telling??

I have an unusual perspective because I have two aspie boys, one aged 22, one aged 12. With both, we put them in school with their age appropriate peers, and with both, we wish we hadn't done that.

We really wish that we had held both boys back.

Yes, academically, they've done fine. Even socially, the oldest boy is doing fine, has friends, fiance, and gets along well with people.
In the long run, everything has worked out well.

For their own happiness, though, I think that they would have been happier to have been among kids a little younger. This is why I think that:

1) For a while, the higher academic ability would have been an advantage for them, and would have helped build their confidence. Being the smartest kid in the class gives them the opportunity to help other kids -- which is a social skill that is wonderful to facilitate.
2) These boys were both socially immature -- having the extra time to mature with kids a little younger than them would have helped
3) I've watched my youngest son automatically do better socially with kids who were a little younger than he is. This is partially due to the fact that my two aspie boys are more innocent than their peers. Being TOO innocent in middle school can make life rough on them. If they are given an extra year to adapt, it makes life a little easier.

The boredom issue is a valid one. We were concerned with that as well with our youngest son. He was advanced for his age in alphabet skills, etc. in preschool, and we felt he would be bored if we left him in preschool again. Well, he is not as advanced now. Although he does well in school, he would have benefited from more time with things like writing, reading comprehension, etc. Yes, he's great at math calculation, but he struggles with the non-technical aspects of communication. More time might have been helpful.

I do find it interesting that your son says he likes playing with older kids, not younger kids. If you could arrange play dates so that you could verify that he plays better with older kids than younger kids, maybe sending him to school now would be a good idea.

Another positive is this school that you've described. It sounds IDEAL for an aspie child. So that would make me lean heavily in the direction of sending your child now. If he feels comfortable there, that's the best indication. How many years can he attend this school?

Thank you!!

Which school are you saying would be the better one for an Aspie child - the private or the arts and leadership one? So very very curious about what you think.

The private school has a half day and a full day kindergarten. They stated that for younger kids, they usually do the half day for the first year and the full day for the second year. The teacher in the full day kindergarten program said that the kids don't really feel like they are actually repeating when they move from half day to full day because they typically don't place a HUGE emphasis on saying, "You are all going to 1st grade." It is usually not recommended to hold kids back at all based on research but if the curriculum is structured in such a way he wouldn't feel bored and he is excited about being one of the oldest kids, then I will strongly consider it.

He just told me again yesterday, "I hate being the youngest and littlest kid!" Yet, he also tells me that he is bored in preschool and wants to go to kindergarten. I have been hearing that ALL year. Actually, he refused to learn the alphabet song and the letters until I told him he couldn't go to kindergarten until he did. He then learned the alphabet, the alphabet song and all of the sounds of the letters in three days. Yes, three days. Looking back, I should have NEVER said that to him. It was interesting, however, to see how fast he can learn if he is motivated. His memory amazes me. His "Aspie father' is the same way. He can seriously learn a foreign language in three months. I just don't get it. I couldn't learn Spanish given two years!

He was saying that he likes to play more with older kids than younger kids but I really haven't seen that! He is always playing with younger kids. The ones that he plays with are easier to control. His best friend is a little three year old girl who plays within his structured play. She is a lot like him. The in home daycare provider thinks she is somewhere on the spectrum as well. She would be pretty mild, like Nate but they really play very similarly. It is interesting to watch. Kids his age and older often refuse to play with him and he gets really frustrated when they don't. He really is at a younger level than his peers, even given his Autism.

The very strange thing is I put an ad on Craigslist saying that we need daycare two days a week and stated that I needed a home that is in the magnet school boundaries. Well, a parent called me and said that her 1st grader is going to that school next year. She has a daycare. Her daycare is right across the street from the private school as well - right across the street. You can see the school from the house. There are only three houses closer to the school. If our son goes to the magnet school, he will have transportation as well. So, no matter what is decided, at least we have our person who will be watching the kids:).

A few other ideas -
what will the school do when things go wrong - do they have the skills to get your child back on track again??
does the school offer 1 campus from start to finish?
bullying protocols?

I need to ask those questions. A school can say that have bullying protocals but a lot of bullying occurs without the teachers knowledge. That is what I fear. At least in the private school, for example, there are a lot of parent volunteers and workers this is less likely to happen.

As for having the skills to get my son back on track, I have no idea. Even some special ed teachers may not have the skills. I really believe it depends on the person. I do believe that the regular public school would most likely have more qualified people to handle children with special needs.

Good questions!!

Private schools can kick students out fairly easily. If my son did not have "behaviors", I would have sent him to a private school where the classes are smaller. (i went to private school and enjoyed the small class sizes). However, my son was kicked out of a religious preschool after attending there for less than 4 days....so, I knew that was not an option for Kindergarten. If you know that your son does not have behaviors (like yelling out at inappropriate times, meltdowns at school, etc....), then the private school would probably be good for him.

The magnet school sounds like a pressure cooker, even for NT kids. If it is so difficult to get into that school, I could only imagine there is tremendous pressure to excel. I don't see that as a good thing. Public schools are reluctant to provide services to bright Aspies. They will point to their achievements and scratch their heads as to why the kid doesn't act typical in all situations. They are reluctant to give an Aspie an IEP when his grades are so high, esp. if his only behavior problem is being withdrawn. Withdrawn and bright are acceptable and don't make the kid eligible for services.

The advantage to Kindergarten is that if you end up not liking the first school, when you switch schools, you can start him in K again. Then he starts with all the children he will grow up with in the new school. If he is happy in the first school, then it will be about how important moving on with his peers will be to him. If it isn't, you can repeat the K year. Many, many kids repeat K.

My daughter is young and small and I have to confess we feel we blew it. We could have sent her to K at her preschool, and then chosen K or 1st at the public school, but based on her teacher's rec's we felt we could save the $ and just start her in K. She has always been fine academically, but emotionally, every year she needs to catch up. If it wasn't for not wanting to leave her friends, SHE wishes she could go back. It's just less pressure.

Note, I'm saying EMOTIONALLY, not SOCIALLY. My daughter is fine at making friends. It's handling responsibility and expectations that are difficult for her. And she isn't even AS (that is my son). AS kids are often emotionally behind, but not dramatically like they can be socially.

Basically, I recommend choosing the route that will give you the most flexibility for changing course for next year. How is that for a bail out? Long run, we had the perfect option (K at the preschool), didn't take it, and I'm banging my head on it.

Lucky for them, I am a school psychologist and know that he would qualify for an IEP:) I know what they can and can't do. You are right, though. Most places are very hesitant at giving an Aspie with higher academics an IEP. They are required to look at all areas not just academics. Social skill is one of the areas most frequently missed by school teams. Nate is actually on an IEP for Articulation right now, so that makes the whole process easier. We are meeting next week to add social goals and discuss next year.

You are right in that the charter school could be too much pressure for him. Two weeks ago, I saw the art work all the kindergarten students did and was just blown away. The kindergarten students art work was better than anything I could do! They were taught to do art in a certain way. I am wondering if my son's behaviors would be worse there because of the expectations involved. Art is my son's favorite subject right now but I honestly don't see him as an art prodigy. He is more of the math and science type of kid, although I want him to pursue whatever he is interested in.

I was worried about the whole private school thing and worry about them kicking out my son. He doesn't really have too many meltdowns and behaviors that are significant, even in preschool. They have just adapted to him and his needs. However, it hasn't been as demanding either. The principal did tell me that they have about six other Aspie's at the school and the school doesn't seem that big. That shows me they could be a little more accommodating than most private schools. It is a Christian school. My son does yell out at inappropriate times, though. My son is mild on the spectrum because he does adapt to new situations really quickly and hasn't had too many meltdowns UNTIL recently. His meltdown still aren't too many, really.

Honestly, the route with more options appears to be the private school. I just really hope they don't kick him out. Lately my son is really struggling a lot. He seems to be stammering more, has more meltdowns, repeats what we and other say more and goes up to strangers more often. Now I am evaluating what has changed in his everyday life. His diet hasn't been as good in the past three weeks but that is about it.

I do like the kindergarten route because if that doesn't work so well, we can always do full day kindergarten or do kindergarten again at a public school. I would be forfeiting the arts and leadership school but I am reconsidering that option anyways. It is hard to get into but only because it's a lottery system. They can't exclude people any other way because it receives all public funds. The kids that happen to go there seem to be of a higher economic status.

I have sons with traits, but less than me. I think I am "mild AS" or maybe PDD-NS

I am Australian with zero knowledge of the US education system.

In my sons' junior school (Anglican Church - private) the class sizes were 16. One son had a diagnosed HFA boy in it, whom all the other kids liked. He was invited to birthday parties and kids were invited and went happily to his house for supervised play/therapy. I remember at one of my son's birthday parties, we went to a rock climbing wall. HFA kid was determined to get to the top and refused to quit. All kids cheered when he eventually got to the top. It was great to see.

The school could not take HFA kid into senior school and he went to another school and we lost contact. He would be 15 now. I hope he is doing well.

I think it would be ideal if a junior school had some continuity through to senior school. In our senior school there are diagnosed AS kids. The school has a "buddy system" where senior boys are "buddies" to younger ones. NT son talks to some AS "buddy" kids about cats (the only thing they have in common). NT son otherwise lives breathes and talks rugby (and girls).

In our case, private school fees are a financial burden, but I think they are worth it, not just for academic reasons, but the "whole package" - pastoral care, personal development, etc. As you said, it is like a "family". But it is a BIG financial commitment.

Best wishes. I know it's not an easy decision.

thanks everyone!

my husband is going to both schools for tours and talks on Thursday. I have already done that. I respect what he has to say. He is also mild Aspergers and will be able to bring more information to the table. I trust his judgment with this. I have told him what you have said on here. He is also leaning towards the private school.

I found out that they cap their kindergarten classrooms to 18 kids. They always have an aid and at least two to three parent volunteers everyday. That is a lot of attention. I will also be meeting with the principal to discuss how they kick out kids. Nate may have a few meltdowns - it's hard to know. If he does, will he be kicked out or will they try to work with him? These are some of the questions I will ask.

I did ask the receptionist today and she said that they rarely kick out kids; only in rare circumstances. Well, what kind of circumstances?

What ever you choose, I hope it goes well.

PS - Our school 15 - 20 years ago had a reputation as a "tough" school with a fair bit of bullying. A new headmaster brought in the buddy system as one measure to counter bullying, which is now virtually non-existent. There are other programs that encourage and require mixing of kids between year levels. If you are a small kid and your buddy is one of the forwards in the First XV (rugby), it would be a brave or stupid kid that picked on you in the playground.

Went to the Christian school this morning and my husband was very impressed.

What's funny is that when we were doing the tour, we saw another Aspergers child walking alone. He was wearing glasses and said "wat up" or something like that and kept on walking. The principal told me that he was probably headed to his "place" located in the special services office. He has a little corner with bean bags and a few books. He uses that place when he gets overstimulated or needs a break and it has worked out well. The tour was 45 minutes long. We saw no other kids in the hallway the entire time.

It seem like a perfect place for my son. This student doesn't attend the chapel/worship on fridays because it is overstimulating for him. He also sometimes leaves music. They are so flexible about that. I can't see the public school district being as accommodating.

Last edited by natesmom on 23 May 2008, 7:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.