Don't Understand School Event

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My daughter is in elementary school- 4th grade. This week they are having an evening event in her class. After the event, the class is going to a restaurant together, students and parents. I don't understand what the purpose of going to the restaurant is, or what is expected of people while they are there. I am not sure why they are all going to the same restaurant at the same time. I am very uncomfortable with going to this event. Can someone tell me what is expected at this kind of event? What will parents do? Will they be expecting to talk to other parents? Or just with their kids? How will they know who to talk to? N.T. parents-- please help me.

I think they expect you to eat.

I'm not an NT, but it seems like they're trying to have a gathering of the students. The restaurant is good because people tend to connect over food and that's why people have big means for holidays. Is it the end of your daughter's school year?

It is about a week until the end of the year. I never know what is expected at events like this one, and it is SO HARD
to go.

I hate to appear antisocial, but I have nothing to say to people whom I do not already know. Why do people talk to people at events like this one, when they don't already know the other people?

What should I say so that I won't embarrass my daughter?

The more I am on the forum, the more I wonder about myself being a little on the spectrum!! I am really an ADHDer (who can't stand large crowds) and have some social anxiety. The situation you just described would be very difficult for me as well!

When things like that happen, I usually make phone calls and ask what the purpose is for, if they actually have plans for when we get there, if there will be seating arrangements, etc. the more I know and prepare, the more I have a game plan. The more structured, the better. It probably won't be and may be a social nightmare with a lot of jabber about stupid little things. I guess you just follow the crowd and perhaps another person will talk first. Since it's a school event, they may just mention something about school or ask you a few basic questions. They may ask you if you if you have a career what do you do. They may discuss the summer. Those are the basic conversations that usually take place.

I act!! Then after acting for awhile, then I sometimes can get into it depending on the discussion.

For most people, when you don't know the person it's easier to talk to people because there are the basic simple questions that you ask to get those people to talk about themselves. That is what they like to do. I would just think of some questions to ask people ahead of time and when you get in an uncomfortable situation you can ask that question. When they respond, you just nod and try to act like you are interested even if you are not. Honestly, if it's going to be that crowded the overstimulation would do it for me. I may just nod and smile while others are talking. Most of the time, you can get away with little actual discussion in large crowds like that. I doubt you will embarrass your daughter - really. The great thing about these events is that the kids may be so into the discussions, you may not have to do much at all:)

Again, I would try to get as much information as you can about the situation beforehand. I would call the school and they don't have to know who you are. Just say you are wanting to know. I honestly think that would help!!

I am writing this at midnight. I am tired and need to sleep. I probably made no sense!!

sounds like it's just a social event for the kids....maybe a special treat for doing well.....

I'm supposedly NT, and I HATE this kind of school get-together. I used to be extremely social, but over the years, this has decreased with people at my kid's schools. There seems to be so much competitiveness, cliquisheness (is that even a word?) and unnecessary chatter at these kind of activities that I just hate going. This is partially due to my anxiety over my son's lack of social skills, but I would feel this way anyway. Now, my son's doing fine socially -- not great, but just fine -- and I STILL hate these school activities.

I think it's a good idea to get some kind of information about what's expected at this activity so you can prepare yourself. Usually you don't have to do much talking -- there's always some mother or father who will do the lion's share of that. Just listen, and nod your head in agreement, and laugh at the jokes when necessary, and you'll do fine. You basically have to pretend that you're enjoying it, for your child's benefit. But in a few years, these kinds of things will become less and less. My son is in middle school, and I have much fewer activities that are to be endured. Thank heavens!

Kris

What is the purpose?

To share a bonding moment. People bond over food.

Are you expected to talk to other parents?

Well, it would be nice.

What do you say?

If you find yourself next to someone you have never met, and they are not engaged in conversation with someone else, simply say, "hello, my name is K, and my daughter is M, in X's class." The other parent will respond in kind, and may ask a question in return. If not, you may simply reply with a simple statement of whether or not you have met their child, maybe a general positive observation ("oh, you are Johnny's mom! He seem like such a sweet child"), or a comment about how much your daughter has enjoyed the teacher they share. If conversation isn't taken up by the other parent, just say, "it's been nice meeting you" and, if you are seated with your food, eat. If you are standing and waiting, you may physically turn or walk to a different section.

Note that it is common for parents to joke about their own kids in reply to the positive comments you may make about them. For example, if you note that Johnny seems so sweet, the other parent is likely to say, "only at school" and chuckle, and you can reply, "isn't that the way it always is?" and the excuse yourself if the banter isn't something you are comfortable with.

Now, if all that still frightens the heck out of you, bring a camera and put yourself in charge of documenting the event. Another parent here posted that a while back, and it seems like a grand suggestion. You'll be too busy taking photos to have to engage in chit chat, and when it's time to eat, well, you can sit and eat, lol! My son has instinctively found this little tool on his own and I had never thought about it until the other parent mentioned that this was their crutch. It works. My son can leave with 200 digital pictures and everyone thinks it's great.

Absolutely excellent advise from DW_a_Mom.

Kris

All I can say is that I feel for you.

I hate these things, thankfully we don't have many of them here...or you can gracefully bow out before the food. If being a clueless aspie with sensory issues wasn't enough...I also have IBS...I don't "eat out", haven't for years, not unless I have a death wish. If the stress and the food usually don't kill me the car ride home after eating does.

I always take my camera also. Like DW_a_mom suggested...helps alot!