Is apologizing extra-difficult for an Aspie?

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My son is not yet officially diagnosed, but it seems to be imminent. We have been working with a diagnosis of ADD for 3 years, wondering about OCD because of certain behaviors, and now it seems very likely that AS is the correct diagnosis. My son is 18 years old and a senior in high school.

The question I have is about apologizing for inappropriate words or actions. My son knows, from calm discussions that we've had, that in recent months his actions and words have been inappropriate in several instances. (I now believe some or all of those words and actions were related to his AS shifting into a higher gear than previously.) Right now he is "grounded" with respect to computer use at home -- no Internet access and can't install any new software -- until he apologizes. He knows this, says he plans to apologize, says "oh yeah, I forgot to do that", writes it down on a paper, and really does want his computer use unlocked. But he doesn't apologize.

Any insights?
Thanks!

When I was a kid (8 years old or so) I used to have a hard time apologizing. When I did something wrong, I knew it was wrong and I WAS sorry, but saying it out loud to other people was horrible for some reason. Maybe it just seemed to make the mistake real and undeniable.

Perhaps you could explain that a sincere apology is a mature thing to do that says a lot about the person giving it, instead of it being a punishment sort of thing.

I always had a hard time communicating with people when I was younger (and still do), so sometimes, depending on the person and the situation, my parents would have me write a written apology and give it to the person that it was for by hand.

I'm about your son's age and apologizing is still difficult for me. I sometimes have to force myself to do it, but then question whether or not my motives were right. Did I do it to avoid further punishment? Would it have been better if I didn't apologize at all, rather than do it without really feeling sorry? Did the other person accept my apology? Those are some of the questions I ask myself when saying sorry to someone else.

I can be the opposite way - I tend to apologize too quickly and too easily over things that I don't really even need to apologize for. It's only when I feel I did nothing wrong, and stand strongly by what I said or did, that I refuse to apologize.

I hatehatehate being ordered to apologize when I have no regret. As a child I considered it a breach of ethics because it meant deliberately telling a lie, and so I'd prefer punishments. One of the first times I remember consciously standing up to my parents in the heat of a moment was to say "I don't apologize when I'm not sorry!" ... I got lucky and they respected it and didn't force it (though I got in trouble anyway of course).

Even something as simple as changing the wording of an appropriate apology (from "I'm sorry I did X" to "I'm sorry that you were hurt when I did X") might help.

Thanks for the feedback. Please keep it coming. A week ago we had never heard of AS, and now we're learning a great deal.

In this case, my son matter-of-factly agrees that he was wrong. And he plans to apologize. Just hasn't done it yet.

But you've given me an idea ... he loveslovesloves to fill out forms. Maybe we can sit down together and make an Apology Form. Then he can fill it out and deliver it. Or is it counterproductive to encourage his forms fascination?

Alternatively, we could just let it go. Now we know there's a reason besides just "teenager acting out"; we could just let this go and move on. But he's 18 and launching into the world next year. An unpaid parking ticket doesn't just "let go". When he doesn't show up for scheduled tutoring sessions in college, with no apology, the situation won't be as easy as this situation in high school. How tough is too tough with an AS teen?


Thanks,
MsDenver1

Forced apologies always seemed wrong to me. It's much like a form of lying.

Being forced to do anything natuarly causes me to resist. The punishment might be prefered to apologizing.

I always used to have to apologize first when I got in fights with my stepfather. I do think THAT was wrong becaue it always put all the blame on me, and evidence of this practice can be seen in my current behavior. However knowing when and how to apologize is a pretty important skill. I'd say that doing the form thing would be a good step but he should learn to giv verbal apologies at some point very soon- he's 18, people aren't going to be OK with him handing them forms forever. However written non-form apologies would probably be more "acceptable."

Same here. I'm the type of person that winds up having to apologize for apologizing too much.



I disagree. Saying "I'm sorry" is a lie if you're not. Saying "I apologize" is not a lie; by saying it you make it true, you are trying to correct a problem you are perceived as having caused or contributed to, generally for your own benefit more than because you're contrite.

I don't think anyone likes admitting they're wrong, aspie or not.

I can't stand apologizing, I'm usually not sorry for what I did. If I am, then I might mumble an apology. I have trouble with things like that.

I apologize almost constantly at times, I'm sorry all the time, sorry for this, sorry for that, sorry for existing. My god, I get so tired of being sorry, oops, sorry for apologizing so much!!

However, in a situation such as you're describing, I would be almost unable to apologize, because it'd be forced, not sincere. It would be like lying. It's sort of like, if someone says that they love me, I can't say, "I love you too", just because they expect it. If I don't feel that way, I just can't whether they expect it or not...it would grind against my nerves, rub me the wrong way, and grate on me with it's falseness. I can be incredibly stubborn about this sort of thing: I would rather go without food for a few days than to profess a feeling that I don't feel or to express affection where it isn't or to admit to something I didn't do (obviously this caused a lot of trouble for me as a child). Also, being pressured to do anything at all, even something I
wanted to do, tends to make me automatically resist, put it off, and generally procrastinate.

When you go into the "stubborn" mode, chamoisee, what do you do?

Um, I just get obstinate, uncooperative, say that I will do (X) at a future time, not yet (this is just a way of not complying, and of asserting independence), or I do it differently than asked...essentially every non-confrontational way you can think of not to comply with the demand at hand.

I'm a little ashamed to admit this...I mean, I am 33 years old now with a job and 5 kids.... and it sounds awfully immature when I write it down. It isn't soemthign I'm proud of.

My deal is that I hate for people to get angry, and even more than that, I really hate getting angry myself, it's so stressful and draining and nerve wracking! Because of this, it's very easy for people to assert themselves over me, and I become a spineless doormat if I let them. It is hard for me to confront people, or to refuse them, because I sort of feel like if they want me to do something, I have to do it, and what if I don't want to do it!! ! I hardly ever say "NO, I will not do (X)!" I can't deal with the other party's aggression and my own emotions and anger. I don't like emotions, they're confusing, hard for me to express and to deal with. So basically, when I get stubborn and don't want to do something, I tend to try to sweep it under the rug, or put it off, or tell them I will think about it, and hope that they'll forget the whole business so I won't have to deal with it at all.

Hi chamoisee,
Thanks very much for sharing. My son says, "Not yet" quite often, guaranteed to send his father through the roof every time.

I'm trying to understand what my son's (AS) perspective might be. Does he hope this will just "go away"? Or does he want us to stick with the rules -- if you break a commitment you need to apologize -- because he really likes rules? Does he want to apologize but he doesn't quite know how to do it in this situation, so learning that skill would be good?

By the way -- You are holding your life together with a job and 5 kids, so you definitely have my admiration!

-- MsDenver1

LOL, if he is anything like me, he is hoping that the issue will go away.

I think, if there were a way that he could satisfy you and apologize without feelign liek he is giving in or losing face, he would be a lot more likely to do it. Instead of a forced apology, would it be possibel to just sit down and discuss what happened and what could be doen differently next time, and why whatever occurred "didn't work". I would put it in those terms, that what he did "didn't work". This reduces it to logic and problem solving, not "You vs Me", and you could find and maybe agree upon a better way for him to deal with this situation when it recurs. I think that this would be a sight more productive than an apology.

I know that with me and my AS son it is a matter of correct wording although that does not sound like your problem. Both my son and I would do better with writing something down than saying it. There are really times when I have a very hard time getting my son to follow through on a task and because he is so young we have not yet discovered a way to rectify the situation. His father also has that problem though and he is ADHD not AS at all.

Y