Parents.. do you ever feel lonely?

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Hi everyone,

I'm writing this because I want to know if the parents of children with Aspergers ever feel lonely. I would love, after you read this to get some constructive criticism or ideas on how to alleviate this feeling.

I feel lonely. I am a housewife and mother to two boys. "D" who has been diagnosed with Aspergers is 7 yrs old, and our other son (NT) is 4 yrs old.

I have a great relationship with my husband. He is fully supportive both financially and emotionally to our family. We started our own Air conditioning and Heating repair company this last October. Things are going great with that, BUT, I quit my job with Home Depot in October and now have the WONDERFUL PRIVALEDGE of having all my days off including weekends. I sometimes wonder about starting work again in order to have the opportunity to be around adults and have common interaction...but, wouldn't dare trade that for my weekends off and spare time that I now get in order to be there....when the kids are sick, when I want to take them to the park, etc,etc. I have much more freedom now.

It's summertime now, and I have no time to myself.

I take care of the laundry, dishes, etc...and I try and find things to do with our boys while dad's at work.

I guess I've done some soul searching lately, and I realized that I live my life AROUND them. They ARE MY EXISTENCE.

I feel lonely because I was never the "popular" one in school. I guess you could say that I have a bit of social anxiety......although, not in the clinical sense.

I've always gotten along with the guys more than the girls. I guess, you know,...I'm not the sort that finds happiness getting peticures and facials

In a way, I guess I've ostracised myself.

Now, I'm just really lonely. Not alot of friends. Not alot of opportunities or time to get out and do things for MYSELF for fun....much less, with my husband.

The business keeps him so busy...money's good, but, I turn to you,... the virtual reality world to have some sort af adult interaction during the day. I get tired sometimes of just talking about the kids and our trials and tribulations.

We have neighbors down the street, but I wear jeans and old t-shirts....they wear "pretty" clothes.I'm not sure if I have anything in common with them at all....or what to even start a dialogue about.

Thanks for your ear.

Laura

I do feel lonely at times. At least you have got a husband there to help when/if possible.
Could you try and organise a street party or bbq?

Laura,
I definitely know where you're coming from. My son is now 11 and since he was born I have been a stay-at-home mom. I've worked only when he was in school or at night when my husband was home. I pulled him from public school 2 years ago so now he's with me all the time. It is the best decision we ever made but it is extremely draining and it's true you have very little time for yourself. I am what you would call a "social misfit". Being a stay at home mom can be very isolating if you don't get out of the house but sometimes even when you do often still you're out of the house but it's still just you and the kids.

I have no advice on how to make friends -since I basically stink at it. I have a really nice friend that I believe was heaven sent because she happens to homeschool and has a son the same age as mine - they get along really well and we've been able to do a lot of things with them. I also am active in a large church we attend. I know a lot of people there but none that I can "hang out with" it's usually church activities that I do with them. I have a sister that lives about 45 min. away and I can count on her for a certain level of friendship. That's really it. I am sort of like my Aspie son in that I have a limited need for social interaction. I like people and care about them a lot but I am not an extrovert and have no problem being alone.

I do sometimes feel lonely or most often feel like "why am I"so hard to like? What is the vibe that I send to people that might turn them off? Since I'm 47 I'm not sure I'll ever figure it out?? It's strange though I crave being in my house by myself- I LOVE it when my husband takes my son somewhere and I have the house to myself - I don't feel lonely at all then.

I really think that if you are feeling lonely then the answer is to just get out there, keep going places where there are opportunities to meet people and it will happen. If your feeling of being lonely is really just a "I need to get away from my mommy responsiblities and do something for myself" you have to do that for yourself. You have to arrange it with your husband and make the time for yourself. If you are able to get a part time job - get one.

You did say in your post that you live your life around your kids and they are your existence. IMHO that is how it should be given their ages. They DO need you all the time - they are young and completely dependent on you-it's hard! Sometimes it just sucks the life right out of you. It is a cliche but the time really flies by and soon won't need your and you will have lots of time for yourself.

One thing I'm really good at is one on one conversations. I would love to sit and have coffee with you and chat about life. But that's what this board is for. It really does help.

You are not alone-I hope you can feel that.

Wow, rachel46, thanks from the very core.
Thanks for caring and sharing.

I used to go to the movies for the matinee (sp?) My husband suggests I start doing this again.
I spoke to him at length tonight about my feelings of loneliness...he's so great...he listened to me. He even suggested that I take time when he's able to get home at an early enough time from work to go and have sushi and kimchi at our favorite Korean restaurant and then go see a movie by myself ! !! !

I can't wait to do that.

As far as coordinating a street bbq or meet and great, I'm not that socially able to. I am in no way a social butterfly. I'm always more comfortable with the guys. All the girls I know and don't know seem to talk about their kids and how they found the perfect hairstylest. I don't want to talk about that stuff.
I'de rather talk to the guys and have a beer.
That doesn't seem to be what girls in my neighborhood want to do.......boohoo.

Laura

i totally get it.
you are very lucky to have such a wnderful husband who is so supportive.
i often feel lonely even within a group of people sometimes but i just don't feel liek i quite fit in anywhere.
i was more of a tomboy type before so i don't really even know how to dress pretty or find good hair styles etc. i try a bit sometimes but i can't match colors and styles very well.
i odn't mnd a peducure once n a while my ffeet do tend to get really roughand dry so it's nice for someone else to do the work for me on that.
my other thing is being a single parent but also being divorced so it is a funny place to try and fit in especially being 27. i don't really fit in with the young adults becasue i've got kids and have had the marraige thing, i don't fit in withthe young families becasue i am missing the spousal thing. i kind of don't fit in witht he single parents per sey becasue my kids dad is at least trying to be a part of their lives, although his visitation schedule is a bit limited.
there are areas whre i should fit but just don't quite.
when i do get out i want to go out with other peole because i am tired of being by myself with the kids and want big people time, but i too am socially awkward, adn i often do not even realize i am doing something "wrong" my firend who has known me since high school has begun to tell me these things and point stuff out ti me that i had no i dea i did or no idea why it coms off wrong. i know i am often distracted and i guess overstimulated by some environments etc which make it hard for me to focus in on conversations.
i am starting to think that i may have ADD as it has been pointed out to me by a couple people with counselling certificates and i've always just been a bit all over the place. so again i am not the super organized super mom but a little bit flaky so i don't really fit in with that group either.
i do belong to a wonderful church and have gotten involved in several areas but i have just felt like i am missing connections withthe people ther becasue i am in such a different place. mostpeople in my situaton are older than me, as many people my age are just beginning to get married.
i started working part tme this year but it is a job wher i have my kids with me too and i am just feelng very drained by it all.
we as moms pour so much into our kids taht we sometimes forget to fill ourselves up. and that filling up looks differnt for everyone. it's hard to keep runningn on empty becasue you feel like you have notheing left to give and the kids just keep wanting more.
not sure if this is what you mean or not. i hope it helps to know there are others in your situation, even though the distance may seperate us thank goodness for places like this.
iknow that the internet is where i find many connections throuhg commonalities without the awkwardness of the social interactions.
i could be just as lonely wearing my fancy matching brand name suit (can't think of any) but we might get along becasue there's not that "barrier" there.

i know this is kind of long and all over the place so i hope you can follow the tangents.

what about trying a new hobby ? in my community there's Adult Ed classes that you could take- learn anything from how to fix a small gas engine, to how to cook a gourmet meal.......i'm sure that would help you find someone who's interested in the same things you are,or at the very least, get out of the house.
if there aren't any Adult Ed classes, then why not try some sort of sport lessons ?....karate, tennis, dancing?

i've been through periods of time when i've felt quite lonely. i tried the SAHM thing, but couldn't stand it. i prefer working full time.

I think a lot of SAHM's feel the same way. It was a huge discussion topic when I joined my new mother's group. Most end up dealing with it by joining playgroups or getting involved in the schools, and often moms end up becoming friends with their children's friend's moms, and getting social outlet that way. Sports teams are also great for the parents, hanging out together on game day.

And there's the rub. With children who aren't likely to become best friends with another child, or to have interest in an abundance of playdates, and who are less likely to be on an abundance of sports teams, we don't have all the outlets most SAHM's use to fill in their social needs. I've realized that one of the reasons I'm so willing to have my son continue in soccer despite his complete lack of talent for it is that I love the social aspect it gives me as a parent. And I was disappointed when my daughter quit ballet because it meant I would no longer see those parents weekly.

Sigh.

I am very active in the PTA, and also at our church, but it is still obvious that my friends there all are better friends with everyone else. I'm used to that, and I've accepted it, but sometimes I do think it would be nice to have that friendship with another family that leads to vacations together, etc. But that requires bonding among all the various family members, and it just isn't going to happen in our family comprised of ASD and otherwise socially ackward individuals (I don't really think I'm ASD, but I'm not the most social/open cat on the block, either).

I actually did end up going back to work. A little. I love it for all the reasons you talked about in your post. It's a social contact that I really need, and it's ready made. I don't work a lot, maybe an average of 10 hours a week, but it definitely fills a need for me.

DW_a_mom: yes i totally get that feeling like i am at most aquaintances with everyone but never as good freinds with them as others and i tend to wonder what is wrong with me. i would also love to have the kind of realtionship taht includes vacations together etc.
i didn't really have a good best friend untill i reached high school and even that has been a little on and off, and she has met someone else who i think is closer to her in many ways thatn we are and i start to worry and feel abit of jealousy
i am trying to connect with another woman wh ois my age that i do a program at church with so we'll see how that goes too.
i love my kids but i really feel like i need abreak and would love to do something part itme but not sure it's worth the cost, provided i cold even find child care, but i may try and hte cost benefit may be weighed on my sanity, but then i feel guilty becaue the litttle one will only be with me for a few more years untill she's on school full time and my son starts 3 full days/week kindergarten this year, but we'll aslo have to see how he adjusts to that. and with many of the posts here i wonder if i'll have to homeschool him later on.
anyways sorry for the tangents yet again, but i guess things are hittin gsome nerves and i am feeling some bond with those who feel the same.

I don't feel lonely the way you do. I'm too busy being a single parent to a challenged child. Thanks for sharing your experience though. I sometimes envy women who have a husband who will support them financially. On paper, that would make life easier, but maybe not happier.

That's for sure....I was thinking that very same thing.... we could be in quite a very very comfy place in the next few years financially due to the success of our business, BUT, money doesn't always mean happiness. I could go out and buy a BMW, but I don't want the pretentiousness I associate that with.
I could go out and buy the best makeup, but I don't even wear any.
I could go out and buy the finest designer bags/purses, but I've never carried one, everything I need is in my wallet in my back pocket.
ETC,ETC,ETC ! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

and Tortuga, it must be very tough raising a child on your own. My sister is going through a divorce right now and has a 4 yr old daughter she's parctically raising on her own and working full time too.....BUT, I know late at night, when she's put her to bed, and she has some time all to herself, she either breathes a sigh of releaf for having that time to herself, OR, she feels very lonely.

Laura

Tortuga, I think one of the things that makes it harder for SAHM's is a guilt factor. You know you are fortunate, and yet ... it is really difficult to reconcile all those feelings, that you arne't totally satisfied with your life, when you know that you are, in fact, very fortunate. Wierd, isn't it? What it comes down to is that there are no perfect answers; the grass has lots of brown spots no matter what side of the fence you are living on.

Mom2bax, I worked thoughout my children's toddler years, actually more than I do now, because I had a lot of my own clients back then. I was working from home. THAT was horrible (all the stress of a job and none of the social benefit). But having 20 hours a week of childcare? I really felt reasonably good about that. We had an amazing nanny, and the perspective she provided me was a real help with raising my children. I always felt like she was our partner. There were days it was difficult, because little ones totally know how to pull your strings to get what they want, but I knew in my heart that having the "break" made me a better mom for the other days. I looked forward to mommy days, and we did so many fun things. I was eager to spend that time, and I don't think I would have approached days with nearly as much patience and enthusiasm if every day had been a mommy day. I take a lot of heat from some SAHMs when I say that, as if I shouldn't have had children at all if I couldn't great them with enthusiasm every day but, geez, it's not like any of us know going into this how we are doing to be and feel. Financially it was almost a wash; the nanny was expensive. But my children needed that level of care, I had responsibilities to meet that were set before I had children, and I made the best choices out there. Because I'm in a licensed profession, I was also able to look at it as a form of insurance: working kept my skills in tact, and my license current, so that I could jump back in at a high level quickly, should anything ever happen to my husband. Lots of justifications, lol, but the reality is, I needed the break, and was a better mom for it.

There is no one size fits all answer on how to parent, or how to find the right balance as a family. It's a constant shifting and exploration, and what is going to work best next year isn't always the same as what works best this year. We all just play it by ear.

I'm lonely again.

Laura

Radiohead.

menameslaura,

From a social standpoint, you sound almost like a lucky AS person! JOIN THE CLUB!

2ukenkerl,.......... where can I join ?