Death

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Sorry to hear all the bad news for your family on here. The social story sounds like a great start and hopefully will help her to understand. Death is such a difficult thing for anyone to come to terms with, let alone children, although I think they cope with it differently to adults.

A few months ago I had a miscarriage and hubby and I made the mistake of telling the other kids too soon. Our youngest with AS seemed to understand the concept of death better than I had imagined (even better than her siblings when they were that age). Although she still brings it up to this day. When she does I just talk to her about it as best I can.

Sorry not to be more of a help right now, if I can think of any suggestions I will certainly let you know. Best wishes to your family.

My emotional response would be comical if it didn't suck so bad. Whenever I'm told something terrible, I smirk uncontrollably. I mostly fake it when I act sad, even though my brain feels sad, the actions are artificial.

I suppose that is what we are aiming for, to teach Heidi the socially acceptable response / way to express her emotions so that all the NTs around us don't get mortally offended if she starts laughing or something. Thankfully our extended family know and love Heidi just the way she is so even if that did happen I doubt it would cause offence, although it might make them more sad.

Father In Law is back in hospital so I threw together a social story about visiting hospital. The hospital is a minefield of problems and Heidi tells me she is scared as soon as we get into the Oncology building. I wonder if she can sense the death in the air because she has no problems with the regular hospital buildings that we walk through. I've already learnt to always park in the same carpark and follow the same route to get to the Oncology building. So I did the social story trying to look at the hospital room from her height and with her interests in mind.

Only made one change from the original. First draft said "Sometimes Granddad has to go to hospital so the doctors can give him special medicine to make him better" - I've removed the "To make him better" bit because that is not true, it is simply to make him more comfortable and prolong his life a little.

I've also been using the info from this fantastic website to teach Heidi and her 5yo sister about the lungs and heart - http://www.lung.ca/children/grades1_3/index.html

Not sure how much Heidi is understanding, it is aimed at slightly older children but I do hope it helps her a little.

My son was 5 when his beloved nan died of oral cancer & 1 thing that helped him was a memory book where he put in photos of nana & him & wrote about what she liked etc. He also likes to look at the stars & point out which one is nana looking after him. i will say that he coped far better than I could have imagined , kids never ceased to amaze us with their capacity to cope regardless of Aspie or NT .

It sounds like you're doing a great job.

Unfortunately at that age, a child gifted with aspergers hasn't started to fully develop their logical thought processi. If they had, you could easily reason it out many ways. May be cold, but it is effective.

As it stands...your child is going to be affected but perhaps not as badly. I lost my father to suicide when I was five and it didn't really mess with me.

Try reasoning with your child at first and allow them to grieve however they wish. Trying to restrict them could lead to really bad development including high levels of emotional repressment.

Regards
GM

Thank you. We will certainly let her grieve how she wants, when referring to the socially acceptable way of expressing emotions I was more meaning when visiting at the hospital or at the funeral.



At the suggestion of Heidi's speech therapist and early intervention teacher I've added to the end of the story.



So that Heidi knows things return to normal.

We've had lots of odd behaviour in the last few weeks, her first incidence of head banging, more violent outbursts (which I've not had before). I think she is struggling to cope with her cousins being over so often. It is just while Granddad is in hospital that they are at our place but this is going to happen on and off until he does eventually pass away. I need to find a way to get Heidi the alone time that she needs while still helping my sister in law.

Memory book that is a good idea. Might work better than the memory box, easier for the girls to move around with them.

Getting your child to enjoy walks is often a very good method of coping, I've found.

You can go for a walk and rant, scream and rage all you want and just burn yourself out till you're nice and calm.

Failing that...a dark bathroom is always nice. Just sit there and relax.

Could also tell the cousins to back off for a few hours a day or get out for a few hours so she can have all the room she needs.

A memory audio file could also work, listen to their grandpa's voice, or a few DVD's of him.

Regards
GM

The cousins are 3yo and 4yo so is hard to make them understand the backing off thing. Heidi is usually okay with them for 2 hours but after that she has had enough. As she is only 3yo herself we (she and I) are both trying to figure out how to get her alone time. I can see Heidi trying to zone out with a favourite tv show or toy and the boys keep interrupting.

I've even tried using a social story with the boys about how sometimes Heidi needs to be alone so she can be happy and want to play with them again. Just like sometimes they need to recharge the batteries in their toys, Heidi needs to recharge her batteries by being alone. But it didn't seem to get through. They are really active kids, borderline hyperactive and very much the opposite to both my girls.

I like the walk idea and the dark bathroom. Maybe now we have the non flickery monitors Heidi might even like to play in the computer room with the door shut..... of course I can just see her unplugging every cable on the computer to see how it works

*Winces* Computer room for that age may not be good. Electrocution is never a good thing. But aspies really thrive when it comes to computer's due to their logical nature.

Other ideas...this may sound childish but a doona pulled over a few chairs so it's nice and dark. A little hidey-hole.

Getting her interested in reading is a solid idea. Let her be alone in a bedroom and just let her escape into a new world can work wonders.

Music can also act as a good relaxant I've found. Say if you bought an IPod and allowed her to listen to music at select times to calm down...this could also work for the death issue as it would calm her down and remind her of happier times.

Also, the walk issue will allow her to reflect in solace once the grandpa passes on, and just allow her to think aloud and work through everything.

I personally often sit in my dark bathroom with a candle on and just relax. Very nice it is.

However, don't underestimate the resilence of a child. They can bounce back from a lot. And this may sound sadistic but with someone dying this early on...they'll learn the true value of life and why it's precious.

Regards
GM

Thank you so much Gifted-Monster, you have so many amazing and really helpful suggestions.

I agree death this early in her life can be a really good lesson. I'm very relieved her first experience of grieving will be with an understanding family around her. Could have happened much later in her life with less understanding people around.

My sister in law suggested not taking Heidi to the hospital at all but I think it is a good way to learn early on how to behave in hospital and with sick people. Plus she loves her Granddad and I don't want to deny her time with him or he time with her.

Visiting Hospital Social Story is up at my blog, complete with .pdf file attachment which includes PECS like images - http://leechbabe.wordpress.com/2008/08/ ... -hospital/

In this matter, I think it'd be a good idea to allow your daughter the decision. Allow her whatever power you can during this time so she can feel grounded...like kelp, if you will. Give her a holdfast and she should wether the storm. Otherwise...she'll be swept up.

Regards
GM

Grounded is good. Todays hospital visit went much better, thank you.

We've had a couple of successful visits to hospital recently.

I've been told we can park for free in a special family carpark near the Oncology building but I think the $8 to park in the hospital car park is worth it to maintain the familiar routine for Heidi.

glad things seem to be runnning more smoothly. hubby's favorite phrase is : "routine is good"

There is a beautiful story about death by Leo Buscaglia called Freddie the Falling Leaf. Whenever there was a death involving one of the kids at the school where I taught, someone would inevitably buy that child a copy of that book.