High Functioning Autism Housemate

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So I started up a Christian community house for college students going to Whatcom Community College up in Bellingham WA. There are six of us living here and one of my house mates has HFA. Now I have already lived with him for 3 months at another community house in a different part of town. But I still can not seem to be able to communicate with him very well he is 21 and has a very generous heart and is very loving but when it comes to social situations he fails, he makes people feel awkward without knowing it, he cracks jokes that no can tell are jokes and people often get mad because these jokes can be offensive unless the person saying the joke had a sarcastic tone but he doesn't understand sarcasm. I want to be kind and love this guy as best as possible but I have never dealt with autism in my life except with small children that I have looked after. But its different when its you house mate who is older than you. He also has this thing with girls, when there is a girl in the room he focuses in on her and ignores everyone else in the room and they don't say it to him but they tell me later that they felt really uncomfortable. And we have tried to explain this to him but he wont believe us. And when he does kinda of believe us he will just go apologize to that girl and of course the girl will be polite and say that she wasn't uncomfortable at all which just ruins all the work we put into explaining.One other thing he does is use the fact that he has autism to say that he can do certain things, but when I hear that I wonder how he can say because he knows he has autism and he knows he shouldn't do it, then you would think he can make the choice not...I don't know I would just love some tips on how to talk to and live with a 21 year old with HTA. I have been doing my best to be a friend to him but sometimes I just cant take it I selfishly want him to understand things that most people do.

I suggest just stepping back and letting him know you are there for him when he wants it, offer to help him in social situations should he wish it, but otherwise make it clear that he is cool the way he is and that you will allow him to go his own road. Once he feels secure he may stop trying to be like the rest of you are, which is pretty much doomed to failure, and let you see more of who he really is. And when that happens, I think you'll find him really interesting.

its interesting.......when some with AS are aware of a problem they can be introspective and describe to you what they do and when they do it and why they shouldnt do it.

while this is an important 1st step for some addicts like alcoholics ( an analogy here) who need to recognise a problem exists first before anything can be done about it.
people with AS regonsie problematic behaviour, be aware of it and know that it is wrong.
but...and heres the crux.. they still do it!

i have been in a meeting with senior management at work and told people to F-off and apologised and 5 minutes later i tell them to F-off again. it got to the stage where i would say im sorry but im going to have to tell you to f-off again here.
this is an improvement for me as i used to say it with 2 words.
they understand im not being offensive.

i know now that when i am at home on my computer is a relaxed controlled environment that this behaviour is not acceptable
but,at the time, in aan unstructured and stressfull environment i will still do it.
similar to him staring at the girl, it is creepy and he knows it is wrong but he is still going to do it.

its hard behaviour to "treat"or fix.

it reflects well on you that you are trying to understand him.
thank you for this, we (AS) need more like you.

It would help him, too, so it's not so selfish.

I kept getting into trouble with rules that seemed both arbitrary and wrong to me. It helped a lot when I read a description of the game theoretic logic behind some of those apparently arbitrary rules. A popular science book on evolutionary psychology may help. Most of those are about dating, because that's a popular subject. If you specifically want to improve the way he treats women, you could refer him to the guide mentioned in this thread on WP. Gwenevyn, whose judgment I respect, commented:

Because the topic is not so relevant for me, I read only the first few pages, but if the rest is similar, I agree. Here is a direct link, hope it still works:
http://www.hotlinkfiles.com/files/1066953_n5vme/HowtobePrettyGoodwithGirls.pdf

In another thread on WP, someone recommended the book That's Not What I Meant. It explains communication styles. It may help your friend understand why people very often do not say what they mean.


Sounds like he thinks autism gives him a license to act as he pleases. If I were blind, I could not be expected to play basketball, but that would not give me an excuse to walk onto the court during a game, wave about my white stick and shout "Where's the ball? Where's the ball?" It's difficult to find a tactful and productive way to call anyone on that sort of behaviour. No one ever believes he does it himself, and most are offended by the suggestion that anyone could see their behaviour that way. If you can make him understand without him getting all defensive, you would do him a favour. I can't tell you how to do that. I've never been good at it myself. I can only wish you good luck.

Once he gets that point, there may not be immediate change, for the reasons donkey explained in the previous post. But first your friend needs to understand that HFA doesn't just give him license to offend. He will have a harder job, and he should get credit for that, but HFA is no excuse for not trying at all.

Off topic but wanted to say HI!! My mom, brother and his family all live in Bellingham and Ferndale!!