How do you discipline a child with Aspergers ?
15 Aug 2008, 1:43 pm
the most important thing for me as a young child growing up with As was consistency from parents.
i will not tolerate ( when i say this, i mean it as it is written, dont translate it as somethign i could put up with)
NT's saying something that doesnt happen. For me , if you say we are going to go into town an dthen go and get a DVD, and this doesnt happen in this order. i will appear to tolerate it, but i meltdown inside.
my sons mother would always tell him that she was taking him to get a DVD when taking him to the doctor, meltdown followed.
it is, in my opinion th emost hidden trigger that sets of AS kids.
you non As parents need to examine just how often you say somethign that isnt, true, precise accurate or intended. you will find that it is more often than not the status quo and it infuriates a young AS.
when i say infuriates, i mean just that.
Yes, it didn't take me long to discover with my son that consistency was very, very important. Unfortunately, consistency is not my own nature, but I've never done something like intentionally told him one thing but did another just because I wanted a certain action from him (like, in the case of your ex and the DVD, getting a child into the car without protest to see the doctor). Although we've done it unintentionally .... sigh. You know, as in changing my mind, suddenly remembering something else ... but my son has been great over the years at communicating just how difficult this is for him, and we've learned to really catch ourselves on it. There will always be that one incident when he was 3 that I will always wish I could go back and change, and I guess we learned from it at least, but still ... sigh.
Parenting is definitely a "learn on the job" situation.
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
15 Aug 2008, 2:13 pm
....
Yes the behavioral specialist has visited myhome and talked to him and tried social stories it seems like he understands at the moment but his anger is uncontrollable at the time he feels it.. right after he feels bad, kisses my arms and tells me he is sorry, he is a completely differnet little boy ,it breaks my heart...
If he's having a sensory meltdown, and that is why he acts up, then he isn't in control at the moment he does it, and is just as unhappy about his own behavior as you are. Which is why it is so important to be sure you are addressing his sensory needs, helping monitor his stress triggers, allowing self-calming behaviors even they are annoying, etc. That is one thing I've learned from sites like this and from the AS themselves: the environment around them MUST be structured to mitigate sensory and/or stress overload. In time, your child will learn to do this for himself, to monitor situations so that he exits them before they can cause a meltdown, but right now it is really important that you look for and mitigate all possible triggers. If you've done that and he STILL behaves this way, THEN I would consider the possibility of another level like oppositional defiance disorder.
There also was an interesting article in I think Newsweek about a recent study involving genetics, and how a minority of people are genetically wired to be unable to learn from their own mistakes. It was really interesting, and gives a new factor for consideration.
Thanks i will try and watch to see if it is sensory overload....
17 Aug 2008, 2:38 am
I have to agree with Triangular Tree on some points. This parent's behavior is going to cause more trouble down the line. Its difficult for an Aspie to express their feelings at any time because we don't always know how to say it in the right words. So when you ignore an Aspie child expressing their feelings by yelling at them you are reinforcing that they are not worthy as individuals to be heard and that they should not express themselves. This will carry over into adulthood believe me. If you ignore such expressions by consoling yourself into believing that he doesn't really know what he is saying you may be surprised one day when he does kill himself because he feels he is an idiot and no one cares or understands.
Alot of Aspies know from a very young age that they are different and they start hating themselves because the world is so cruel. People are cruel. I was suicidal since age 5 and at age 39 still hate myself and wish I would die. Thing is this is not unusual as other older Aspies I have spoke with tell me they wanted to kill themselves from an early age. The child is crying for help and needs professional counseling without the parents being in the room. Either there is something going on with the parents that they aren't fessing up too or else there is something going on at school tearing the child apart that the parents do not know about. There's always a reason behind a child having such feelings of unworthiness. Telling a child to shut up about it is in reality child abuse. Parents like this are what cause the messed up adult Aspies that end up so complicated a counselor can't even reach them by the time they are in their 30's.
What these parents are doing is bad parenting. Actually it is such terrible parenting that it makes me think the parents are also autistic for acting so inappropriately raising their child. I've seen it before. Several parents of AS kids I know are so obviously on the spectrum yet don't realize it themselves. Both my parents act highly autistic by DSM standards and are mostly the reason I am so messed up as an adult.
17 Aug 2008, 8:46 pm
Of course if he reaches teenage years and still has problems with violence, then consider juvenile detention or whatever there is for young punks. He may not be a "punk" per se, but there is no reason for anybody to have to put up with an unstable time bomb in the house, period.
OMG! This is the most horrible parenting advice I've ever read! Horrible, horrible! Don't do this! Deny privacy??? That is abusive! Shame and embarrass him? NO! No, no, no!
It's a troll. Ignore it.
29 Aug 2008, 8:34 pm
[quote="CRACK"][quote="Triangular_Trees"]One of the worst things you can ever do to an aspie is take away their valued possesions, even if only briefly. That's something that you will never be forgiven for. there is an article somewhere on here about a mother whose aspie son got a knife and threatened to kill her because she decided on the remove his possessions[/quote]
And how often does that happen? 8O
I often had my video game privileges taken away from me; one of the very few things I embraced as a kid. And I NEVER lashed out violently. Only verbally
If that is truly a realistic concern, then the kid doesn't belong in the house in the first place. He belongs in a prison or psych ward.[/quote]
Hey, don't you think that is a bit harsh, after all he is only 9 and has a lot of problems.... If you don't have anything nice to say, maybe you shouldn't say anything at all..
31 Aug 2008, 11:27 am
I have not read through each post on this topic as it honestly is too much to take in, I just wanted to share a tactic I introduced with my 7 1/2 yr old son.
My son has been watching me play a word game in Facebook where I am in 1st position. When the game indicates your level, a person moves up from left to right and stops in the position you are in. My son seems to really understand the idea of being number 1 after seeing my character right in front and visually higher than the other contestants.
We now talk about being in number 1 behaviour mode constantly. I have set him different consequences for each level, the worst being number 5 behaviour where his playroom, containing the playstation, gets locked ! !!
Honestly, it has worked wonders and I think it is purely because he has this visual image of being higher than everyone else in number 1 position. We do tend to forget that aspie's need visual aids to help them understand what we understand naturally.
The one comment I did pick up on is that you should take away something meaningful as a disciplinary tool. We use the playstation for that - if my son's behaviour is totally unacceptable we give him a warning to pull himself together and that what he is doing is not appropriate and if he does not stop he will not get to play games over the weekend (games are not allowed on school nights so he lives for Friday night ! !) However this should not be abused either.
One thing is for sure, parenting an apsie child is not easy and you really have to take one day at a time and each day is totally different ! !!
31 Aug 2008, 2:28 pm
[quote="DylansMom"]I have not read through each post on this topic as it honestly is too much to take in, I just wanted to share a tactic I introduced with my 7 1/2 yr old son.
My son has been watching me play a word game in Facebook where I am in 1st position. When the game indicates your level, a person moves up from left to right and stops in the position you are in. My son seems to really understand the idea of being number 1 after seeing my character right in front and visually higher than the other contestants.
We now talk about being in number 1 behaviour mode constantly. I have set him different consequences for each level, the worst being number 5 behaviour where his playroom, containing the playstation, gets locked ! !!
Honestly, it has worked wonders and I think it is purely because he has this visual image of being higher than everyone else in number 1 position. We do tend to forget that aspie's need visual aids to help them understand what we understand naturally.
The one comment I did pick up on is that you should take away something meaningful as a disciplinary tool. We use the playstation for that - if my son's behaviour is totally unacceptable we give him a warning to pull himself together and that what he is doing is not appropriate and if he does not stop he will not get to play games over the weekend (games are not allowed on school nights so he lives for Friday night ! !) However this should not be abused either.
One thing is for sure, parenting an apsie child is not easy and you really have to take one day at a time and each day is totally different ! !![/quote]
iT IS SO NICE TO HEAR SOME POSITIVE TALK FROM YOU.... I DO AGREE WITH YOU... FOR MY SON , HE IS INTO THE GAMES AS WELL.. THAT IS THE ONLY THING WE CAN TAKE FROM HIM TO LET HIM NO THAT HIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT ACCEPTABLE... WE DO GIVE HIM A WARNING BUT MOST TIMES THAT MAKES HIM MORE ANGRY... BUT HE SETTLES DOWN AFTER A WHILE AND ASKS WHEN HE CAN HAVE THEM BACK... iIT WORKS FOR ME... ONE POST SAID YOU SHOULD NEVER TAKE AWAY AN ASPIES PRIZE POSSESSIONS BUT THE THING IS YOU HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE ON THEIR BEHAVIOR AND LET THEM KNOW THAT THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES. YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT PARENTING A CHILD WITH ASPERGERS.. FOR ME IT IS THE MOST DIFFICULT THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO IN MY LIFE... I TRY TO BE UNDERSTANING AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. oNE POST EVEN SUGGESTED HE BE IN JAIL OR PSYCH WARD(VERY CRUEL).... THAT MADE ME VERY ANGRY..
ANYWAY THANKS FOR THE GREAT ADVICE.. GOOD LUCK
31 Aug 2008, 2:47 pm
I also think that if they get an explanation as to why they are being disciplined and what they were doing wrong it makes more sense to them. My son also sits and thinks about his actions and will then come back into the room much calmer.
However at the same time you also need to look at their behaviour from an Aspie point of view and how they look at life and to them half the time there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. My husband and I have big fights over this as I see my son in a totally different way to him and I can understand where the bad behaviour comes from and my husband just sees it as bad behaviour. Most times a little explanation goes a long way - these kids are very bright and do understand.
Parenting is just something else all together ... if half of us knew what was coming our way .... 
31 Aug 2008, 2:53 pm
[quote="DylansMom"]I also think that if they get an explanation as to why they are being disciplined and what they were doing wrong it makes more sense to them. My son also sits and thinks about his actions and will then come back into the room much calmer.
However at the same time you also need to look at their behaviour from an Aspie point of view and how they look at life and to them half the time there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. My husband and I have big fights over this as I see my son in a totally different way to him and I can understand where the bad behaviour comes from and my husband just sees it as bad behaviour. Most times a little explanation goes a long way - these kids are very bright and do understand.
Parenting is just something else all together ... if half of us knew what was coming our way .... :)[/quote]
WOW THIS IS AMAZING OUR SITUATIONS ARE SO SIMILIAR , ME & MY HUSBAND ALSO ARGUE ABOUT THAT... I KNOW WHERE MY SON IS COMING FROM (THE ASPERGERS) MY HUSBAND TENDS TO FORGET THAT TIL I REMIND HIM, HE IS NOT LIKE OTHER KIDS...YOU ARE RIGHT IT HELPS TO TELL THEM AND EXPLAIN TO THEM ABOUT THEIR BEHAVIORS.. SOMETIMES I REALLY BELIEVE THAT HE DID'NT KNOW THAT HIS BEHAVIOR IS WRONG... AND HE WILL COME AND APOLOGIZE WHEN HE CALMS DOWN SUCH A SWEETHEART ...HE IS VERY BRIGHT AND SMART AND LOVING...OVERALL GREAT KID.. JUST A FEW PROBLEMS.. BUT WE ARE WORKING ON THEMMM
PARENTING ... WOW ... I ALSO HAVE A 17 YEAR OLD... SHE GETS FRUSTRATED TOO WHEN SHE HAS FRIENDS OVER, THAT IS HARD BUT I TELL HER THAT SHE HAS TO EXPLAIN TO HER FRIENDS THAT HER BROTHER IS AUTISTIC AND THAT IS WHY HE BEHAVES THIS WAY..BUT SHE IS STRUGGLING WITH IT..
01 May 2009, 5:26 pm
I have Asperger's Syndrome and discipline was always hard for my parents. Mom tried taking things away from me but I always tried to get whatever was taken away back. She also tried grounding me but I'd threaten to escape and sometimes I would destroy things. After all failed attempts at discipline, my parents just gave up.
05 May 2009, 4:27 pm
I have AS and a child with possible AS.
Her very valued possessions i rarely take away, unless it's an ongoing fight between her and her little brother, then i will take them away for a short time, it's usually devastating to her and so it's VERY rare i do it, usually she will be attached to something and her brother will be playing with it, that's when the fight starts, i try to redirect him to something else because of her strong attachment to whatever it is at the time (at the moment, 2 small particular toys and some little plastic animals) i want to be understanding of her AS issues, but it can be very hard to understand if that makes sense, even as an aspie myself. I do remember how it felt having things that were important to me, taken away from me though, and it was devastating.
As for time outs, you have to make sure you do it right. Give however many warnings you give (make it known how many warnings the child has, a 3 strikes rude is good for loder kids say 5 and up) Get down on the childs level and explain what the inappropriate behavior was and importantly WHY it was inappropriate. Tell them they are to be in the time out area for 1 minute for each year of their age, i usually remind my daughter each minute, how long she has left and how long it's been and it helps her to stay focused. Then when the time is up, get back down to her level, ask if she knows why she was there, once she's answered (usually correctly) explain it again and why it was inappropriate, have a cuddle and make up and go on your merry way.
The important thing especially with kids of high intelligence, is not to be an authoritarian, get down on their level and speak directly to them and make sure they know WHY they are being disciplined, not just what they did, but why what they did was wrong.
It's very hard!
30 Jun 2009, 5:22 pm
My oldest child(my 4 yo) was just diagonosed with aspergers underlying with adhd. We are at a loss with everything with him. We want to do everything possible for him to have a happy childhood and to grow up happy and healthy and everything else a parent could want for their child. We also have a younger son who is 18 months. We are having a hard time finding place to work with him where we live and also we have really no clue what to do with him. I know that sounds bad, but thats where we are.
My son meltsdown easily which is probbally the only thing we know how to handle. We can help him stop the meltdowns. But we have found no effect way of discipling him. We have tryed everything and after reading the posts of the aspies people on here I think I have a better understanding of how he feels, but not how to discipline him. When hes angry with us, he lashs out by screaming, growling, breaking things, and even poops and pees on his floor and smears the poop into the carpet, onto the walls, his bed, etc... We have no idea how to stop this behaior. (The using his room for the bathroom most of all. We can get him to stop for 3 weeks at most, but then he goes right back to it.) We have a giant wooden gate at the top of the stairs that blocks our room, his room and the bathroom off from the rest of the house because he will get up and wander around the house during the middle of the night and get into anything and everything. We have even found him in the garage with the garage door open in the car with the car started(it was a standard and he is 4). We are at a loss for what to do and will take any help and advice that anyone can and will give us. Please help us lost parents find a way to be fantastic aspie parents.
08 Jul 2009, 8:08 pm
on the "friend" debate i keep reading...I think it was best explained by a middle school teacher I had....He told the entire class he was their "friend" and they could come to him anytime they needed help: homework, classwork, socially etc....then he went on to say that we needed to remember he is our "friend", not our "buddie"....a "friend" you recognize as someone who is equal to you, but they are usually wiser...more expeerienced....can mentor you....a "buddie" is someone you "hang out with" cut up with....show less respect to....I believe (NT or AS) we are our kids "friends"......parents who try to be the "buddies" are the ones setting themselves up for failure.....when I think "buddie" I think of a friend who i grew up with....her mom was getting "high" with her at a very young age....drinking alcohol with her...etc....her life didnt turn out too productive in the end.....
| Similar Topics | |
|---|---|
| Were you an active child? |
21 Apr 2024, 9:55 am |
| Michigan man arrested for sex crimes against child |
26 Mar 2024, 1:59 pm |
| Loving the child hating their autism? |
16 Apr 2024, 7:08 am |
| Raising a child with autism in Kenya |
03 Mar 2024, 7:51 pm |
