From an Aspie who learned to cope: Advice

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Growing up, I was constantly being flooded with advice that often seemed contradictory. One self help book would say something completely different than another. People's advice didn't mesh. Even the speeches on how to act were written by neurotypicals, and didn't address the issue on a level the Aspie mind 'works'. In the end, I shoved the self-help books aside, left alone the written advice, the speeches, and ignored them all, because they are not built for an Aspie mind, no matter how hard you try to make it that way.

What worked for me was academic material on human behavior. I started reading up on psychology, sociology, countless studies in human behavior. Now that I've read thousands of pages worth of academic material on how people act, how they work, why they work, I cope just as well as the next person. I have a far greater idea of what is going on, because I have to just to cope.

My advice for those with Aspie children would be to stay far far away from the trash on the self-help shelf. Go out, and find a single good quality book on psychology, another on sociology, and bring it home. Don't introduce them as 'self-help' books, or textbooks. Just say that it might explain how human behavior works on a level they understand, and leave it at that. Don't expect them to read it right away, but I guarantee you that if those are kept in the open, with your statement that it should help explain things, they will eventually read it.

The real problem with Asperger's Syndrome isn't that we lack intelligence, or even that we're disabled. What I do believe is that it changes the way we learn everything, so that even learning how to behave works best if taught in textbook format. The problem is everyone keeps trying to teach things on 'their' level. When that doesn't work they try and dumb it down, only making themselves appear patronizing. What is really needed is to pull out the books written by and for professionals, as those explain it on a level that 'clicks', for me and many other Aspies.

Now, every Sunday I go to church. My dating life is great. I have no problems with social skills beyond your typical individual, and even those can be fixed with a little more study. My academic work is looking really good right now. I'm happy with my life, and I know what I'm going to be doing. I don't need people to take care of me.

Yet, when I look and see that people are trying to create a 'cure', or label me as 'disabled' it feels like an assault on my very right to live, my worth as a human being. My only 'disability' was from people trying to shove an incompatible worldview down my throat. A little professional reading took care of that just fine. I'm very comfortable with my body, my social situation, and my mind. How many normal people can honestly say that?

I would add that kind honesty would also benefit. It's far more kind to tell a kid that a sci-fi book club or video gaming competition would be a suitable place to make friends than encouraging them to go clubbing. My NT friends tried that. I failed miserably because I was miserable in that environment. I stuck to antiquing and loving long rides in the country and in doing so found my real soul mate. He doesn't share all my interests so I should probab

I would add that kind honesty would also benefit. It's far more kind to tell a kid that a sci-fi book club or video gaming competition would be a suitable place to make friends than encouraging them to go clubbing. My NT friends tried that. I failed miserably because I was miserable in that environment. I stuck to antiquing and loving long rides in the country and in doing so found my real soul mate. He doesn't share all my interests so I should probab

The big problem with 'serious' psychology books is that, as far as I'm aware, they have nowhere near finished developing their model of the human mind. It is work in progress, swept aside every decade or two. The idea that it is of any greater value than the low-brow stuff is a convenient illusion. The human mind is all to easily deceived, especially by the use of big sounding words and concepts that lull our critical faculties to sleep.

The model IS incomplete, but it has gotten far more accurate over the past few years. In particular, the statistical work in human behavior is really taking off, although they haven't quite managed a full scientific proof on why the statistics are that way. There are still plenty of theories about it though.

The problem with self-help books is that they are trying to tackle the problem from a perspective that already 'gets it', but doesn't quite know why they 'get it'. The professional books tackle it from a 'know nothing but the scientific method' approach, which means it will demand an accurate explanation for why things happen. The self help books only describe the events, not the why behind them, and that matters when you're trying to judge when and how things should change on an intellectual level.

It's a bit like knowing the outcome of a number of chemical reactions. You know what happens, but not why. When you mix it together in a different combination, everything changes in a way that is not exactly simple. Now, imagine one group of people just 'get it', and see the results before they happen. They are not the ones you want writing the chemistry textbooks, because they'll just toss out examples and descriptions that don't provide any real help on understanding the subject. All you do is memorize preset situations and the results. A good book will describe the underlying chemical properties, which allows a chemist who studies the subject enough to figure out how a chemical should behave before they do something stupid.

In my experience, any individual who offers sweeping life advice to strangers unsolicited, is an arrogant ass without enough life experience to justify the supposed depth of his wisdom. In other words:

Scarecrows with diplomas rarely know as much as they think they do.

Further, to tell a roomful of socially disabled people that they are not disabled, but only lack the great insight which has now freed you from your own social ineptitude might be taken by rational thinkers as a maudlin display of the very ineptitude you claim to have overcome. It certainly puts you at an irresponsible variance with the experts as well as with the experience of most of those with the disorder. Methinks the emperor needs to shut up and put on some pants.

Well I definitely agree that observing and studying humans is a great way to understand them. Obviously you cant understand everything, but what you can find out from watching others is very useful. It helps you to anticipate and understand other people, even if it takes a little while to do it (more so accomplished via knowledge as apposed to instinct).

However, while this may be useful at understanding, and approximating the behavior of others, it does not make you normal. It is great for pretending to be normal for a few hours. I have used this technique of normal approximation at things like interviews, formal award ceremonies, etc. However, it is still just an act, and not a true change of personality.

So, all that to say. If you want to help your child, encourage them to be anthropologists. Human beings are a very interesting group to study, and the lessons you learn can indeed be very useful in life. Just dont expect your child to turn normal.

HI CerebralDreamer

I'd be interested to know which books you found relevant as a starting point.
please can you let me know the names of a few books.

Thanks

There could be something to that idea that we learn everything differently.

The book "Life and how to survive it" (John Cleese) has helped me to develop some idea about how the mind works, especially that aspects (e.g. emotions and illogical/irrational behavior) that where a complete mystery. It also made very clear that most people are not mentally healthy: "being normal" is not equivalent to "being healthy".

Also a few books on etiquette where very helpful in figuring out social behavior and protocols, even when etiquette is not that popular at the moment.

I went to a class a few year ago...for my job....that dealt with the different personallity types...I wonder how beneficial that would be to someone with asperger's syndrome....It did help me a great deal in my business, and personal life....I can (almost accurately) tell upon meeting someone...which personality type they are...and how to best interact with them...