Practical Tips Needed

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I am not the author of the following, but I am posting this on the Parent's Section for comments and hopefully helpful tips


I had no problem finding tips for parents on how to ease the experience for their autistic child.
However, the challenge is proving to be finding tips for the fellow traveler. After spending several quality hours with Google, I have yet to find any practical tips for the traveler who finds himself seated beside a child with autism on a flight or at the next table in a restaurant. Be patient, be understanding and be empathic does not tell me, a fellow traveler, how to handle a difficult situation.

I appreciate the need to accommodate individuals with autism, but I need to know how. I agree people with autism have the right to travel and to be in public places, but tell me how to best interact with them.

Tell me:

what to do when I am seated beside an autistic child who is constantly repeating a sound or a gesture;
what to do when the child behind me is kicking my seat non-stop;
what to do when an autistic child has a temper tantrum - do I offer to help or do I look away?;
what to do when I see a beleaguered parent struggling to control her child amidst a sea of glaring and judgmental eyes;
do I talk to the child to distract him;
do I reach out to him or would that exacerbate the situation;
how do I offer to help without offending the parent;
how do I know the difference between an autistic child and a bratty one.
I have been to countless websites on autism looking for practical tips, including the Autism Society of America site where clicking on the "I Want to Help" button takes me to a donation page. I'm not interested in donating, I would like information on how to be understanding and empathic in a situation in which I do not know what to do.

Please, when demanding that your disability be accommodated, tell me, your fellow traveler, how I may assist you.

Personally I'd say you need to act in many ways just the same as you would travelling near any other children on the plane.

From my perspective as a Mum travelling with a child on the spectrum - I don't want help from strangers, the flight attendants are there should I need a hand. If for some reason I need help then I will ask.

Please just look after yourselves fellow passengers and I will look after me and mine. Continue to read your book, listen to your iPod or whatever it was you were planning to do on the plane.

If something is bothering you then sure tell me about it but be polite, don't be aggressive. A simple "I can see you've got your hands full with children but I just wanted to let you know your child is kicking my seat" etc Pretty much exactly the same way you would approach the parent of NT child. Being polite and calm always gets a better response than aggression / anger.

If it really bothers you to be seated near children on a flight then ask the flight attendant if you can change seats. They will often let you sit in a different seat during flight so long as you are in your allocated seat for take off and landing.

And under no circumstances what so ever should you give my child food / drink, she has allergies and intolerances and I don't want to have to deal with projectile vomiting, diarhoea or worse anaphylaxis in flight.

And the point needs to be made - how would you know you were seated next to a child on the spectrum?

Which is why I say treat the kids all the same, polite, calm and respectful.

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listen closely to hear the music. Watch carefully and join the dance.
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figure out some way to politely but assertively communicate your needs.
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what to do when an autistic child has a temper tantrum - do I offer to help or do I look away?;
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that depends on whether or not the parent truly looks like they could use it.
"I have a lot of experience with autistics and aspies, would you mind if I chat with your child?"



Mostly you can't do anything, thats the sad fix of human rights with their own offspring.
If you know them well you may try to offer advice, or, you might try modeling some alternative.


Yes, but only if you seriously know what you are doing and have clear signals that its okay with the parent.





That depends, you have to analyze each situation for a long list of criteria like wether or not you have anything to offer
and wether or not the situation is one likely to be able to receive.



"I have experience with autistic and aspie children, would you mind if i chat with your child?"



Stimming, eye contact, fixations, aspies tend to be "little professors"; best way to distract figure out
their special interest and invite them to talk about it.




Let me tell you how i feel. The world is full of third rate information and chat zones. Lets answer your question to the nth degree on a board designed for collaborative knowledge building instead of just talking casually.



In this case, the best answer is educate yourself, learn some more about it, ask more questions, and help the unorganized and occasionally erratic aspies answer you rather than try to get information from "experts" whose job is to not get it.

AMEN, SISTER! I will ask the person that wrote asking the questions!


Merle

there are sometimes very clear indications. Not all the time. But sometimes.

What are those clear indications, promethusspann?

Merle

I'm hanging this on my wall. That's the most amazing response to an AS-related question I've heard in the last 6 months. Were you actually being glib or serious?

I'm a vulcan. I don't do glib unless the other person started it.


No, Seriously, the point is to drive the point home and make that connection for others.

doing the best i can to be an information service.

Simply put there are behaviors which are obvious and specific to autistics and aspies. Finger flapping, jerky motions,
rocking, stimming, hard time making eye contact, and etc. If you notice first a troubled child then you have t minus xyz observations to make to spot why. The trick is knowing what to look for and having a sense of a realistic list of possibilities to choose from.

If you have a lot of time hanging out with a Serious austist, believe me it gets to be easy to spot another one at least if
that other one is outwardly somewhat similar to the first.

As an aspie with psychology background, i get the best of both worlds. so sometimes it spot an AS kid in the mall or at the movies or etc.

I am sure if i looked harder it would happen with even more frequency.

NT kids don't stim, they don't have expert level knowledge about their one favorite subject (or 5) and they move, physically, with very different mannerisms and completely different body language.

As a mother of 2 sons with Asperger's I believe I can pick a child with Asperger's in about 30 seconds. It's the mannerism, speech pattern etc that is like my sons. Also all those hours hanging out in the waiting room of the autism/asperger's clinic while my sons are having therapy - I chat with other kids/parents that are waiting.

Travelling with kids is tough. If fellow traveller engaged my sons in a discussion about their special interest, that would make life easier.

Helen

And then you get kids on the spectrum who have parents that will get terribly offended if you indicate that you think their child is anything but NT.

Well, first off, welcome back Smelena.
I missed you.


My gut reaction to the idea of getting trapped beside an aspy
was carry pepper spray, but in thinking about it,
it seems clear to me that it is an opportunity to learn something.

Engage in a conversation, find one of the aspy interests,
press the talk button and hang on for the ride.

You know what the first question I wanted to ask was, after reading the original post?

What are the odds the parent of an autistic child would seat their child next to a stranger?

I'd say it's very low.

We've NEVER sat my son next to a stranger on an airplane. He is always with one of his parents, and if we are in a row with a stranger, the parent is the one next to the stranger.

The feet against the seat problem, however, is one I know.

I think it is fine for the person to politely let us know it is bothering them. I'm not always aware what my child is doing (sorry, it just is so) and HE isn't always aware of how his actions affect others. We may still have trouble solving the issue, but ....

I'm very careful as a parent about trying to avoid situations where I think my child will disturb others. Of course, some things cannot be predicted, and it has happened that my child has had a very loud and upsetting meltdown disturbing dozens of people. I guess the best I hope for is understanding. I need to deal with my child as effectively as possible, and I'll do it, we just need to be left alone and it would be nice if no one was nasty about us - I'm uncomfortable enough, thank you. The last time it happened I did appreciate one person asking if there was anything they could do. Not because I wanted the help, but because they showed such positive concern, non-judgemental.

With regards to seat kicking I would ask the child what the need for it is. Then mention that it is driving me crazy. Sometimes a definite firm tone of voice helps if it carries on. I wouldn't talk to the mother, sometimes from a stranger can be scary and can be enough for the child to stop compared with a stern warning from the parent. I certainly learnt from it

Repeating sounds, let the child get on with it, especially if the child is happy.

Remember the child is still a person, I just wouldn't presume eye contact doesn't mean they are ignoring you. I'd check by asking them "Are you listening to me, or should I say again?"

A temper tantrum is a temper tantrum in any child ... apart from the differences with the autism of course. Make your intentions as obvious as possible to that child. Get on their side.

I follow these rules with my nephews and nieces and one of the has ADD and the guides mentioned here work for me. Remain calm, most children can tell when you aren't in control

Ditto. Not so much because of our own feelings in the matter; I would often prefer to be the one not having to sit next to a stranger in public places, ( being AS myself) but because my son avoids it if at all possible, would rather stand up or sit on my lap, ( for which he is now getting a wee bit too big!) .

However I would warn anyone thinking of starting a conversation with an Aspie child on their special interest, that they could be in for a long, virtually unstoppable, monologue. On holiday in Germany recently one of my favourite cousins ( a mother herself, one of whose children may be on the spectrum too) chose to engage my son in conversation and he launched fairly soon into a lengthy and detailed description of SG1/Stargate, enemies, aliens, weapons, and all. My cousin enjoyed this for a while, about half an hour, but after that she began to flag, visibly. And although at one moment when we all moved around a bit I explained to my son that someone for whom SG1 is not a hobby/interest might not want to hear any more about it, and that he stop for a while, he kept wanting to take up the "conversation" ( educational lecture ) exactly where he had left off.

And no touching. That is absolutely a no-no. My son, like me, experiences touch very "intensely", and touch from a stranger is likely to lead to stressed wriggling, grimacing, withdrawal, and even violence from him.

Ignoring my son is probably the best approach. If he is annoying it is best to talk to me, because a direct approach by a stranger requesting him to stop something he is doing is almost always experienced by him as frightening/aggressive and has led to meltdowns which I, his mother, have then had to deal with.

And NT style ( adult to child) questions along the lines of "How old are you?", "What is your name?", and similar blah-blahs will almost certainly provoke mulish silence and hostility.

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