Death

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My father in law has been diagnosed with lung cancer and all the indications are that he will not be with us for much longer.

I have no idea how to approach this with my AS daughter. She is really attached to her granddad but at 3.5yo I'm not sure how much she will understand.

Sorry to hear about that but I know how feels to be losing a loved one. I think it can be hard for 3 1/2 year old to understand why but I believe there is a way to explain in a way that may or may not scared her. I just really can't think of it.

If you a family that prays and discusses God, it is nice to say that "he will go to live with God." That is how we phrased things for my son when his grandfather passed away, about the same age as your son. We also talked about how we aren't meant to walk this earth forever, that you live your life and at some point you've done all you were supposed to do before returning to heaven. That Grandpa had done all that, and that we were blessed for the time we had. And I remember tying it all in to how sick Grandpa had been, and in heaven he wouldn't be sick anymore, that he would be able to walk and talk like he used to.

In many ways, of course, the conversation will be guided by your child. You would be surprised at how insightful they can be on such a complicated subject.

My son actually understood an amazing amount, and asked really thoughtful questions. We choose to include him in all the services, and I've always been glad. Even at such a young age, he needed that closure. But, every child is different. Rely on your instincts, and don't listen to anyone else. You'll know how to handle it.

I was a pretty typical AS kid, and I remember my uncle's death when I was 4. My mother opened up a letter, read it, and said to me, "Uncle ______ died."

I don't remember what she said after that. I think she tried to explain it to me, but her efforts only made me uncomfortable; I knew what death was and that it happened to to everyone. As far back as I can remember, I understood death, accepted it as a part of life, and did not fear it.

When my mom told me that my uncle had died, I got nervous because I did not know what I was supposed to say, how I was supposed to act, what emotions I was supposed to express and how. I secretly feared that God would punish me for not having the right emotional response. So I got very uncomfortable, increasingly so as she talked about how she was feeling and how I might be feeling. I remember just wanting to escape and find some distraction from the stress of the interaction and the guilt of guessing that I was not having the correct emotional experience.

I think it's important to keep in mind that many AS kids really struggle with the fact that they experience and express emotions differently from others. They see other people expressing a full range of emotions that they might not even experience, or might experience in different ways. Some people on the spectrum have unique physical manifestations of emotions or stress and don't experience these things in the ways that NT's say they experience them.

And I think that death in particular tends to bring out a wide range of emotional responses in people in general.

I don't have any specific advice to offer. I just thought my memory and perspective as a former kid with AS might add some kind of insight or something . . .

Sorry to hear of your situation. In the last eight years my husband and I have both lost our fathers, grandmothers and an uncle, so my kids are getting pretty used to funeral scenarios. DW_a_mom described a really similar approach that we took to my father's sudden death. My As son had just turned 4 yrs old. We talked about heaven and similar things to what have already been said.

One thing I would add is that kids seem to take dealing with death a lot more "matter of factly" than adults. They seem to take it all in quietly and then one day further down the track they'll have a cry or say, "I miss . . ." . . . and then probably throw in something about the main reason being that they used to by them lollies(!). I think it's better to be reasonably up front with them, rather than trying to hide stuff because that only ends up with them being suspicious and confused. The other thing to remember is that children's timeframes are a lot longer than ours - if we hear someone has only months to live, to us that's short, but to a child that is still quite a period of time.

Also, when it comes to cancer there is always that hope of a miracle, so you do have the option of initially going down the track of saying that the person is sick, and, while they could get better, there is a good chance that they might not ever get better, nor do you know how long they will be sick for.

No advice sorry but I hope he goes without pain and doesn't suffer too long. HUGS to you and family.

***hugs***

most 3 year olds have a difficult time understanding death. our AS son was 3 when his great grandmother died. honestly, i can't remember how we explained it. at the time, we didn't know he was AS. we just explained it as you would to any 3 year old. don't know that he really understood.....

Thank you everyone for your comments.

I'm going to try and write a social story for Heidi about how things change and include in that about sometimes people die and we don't see them again.

FIL was admitted to hospital last night with pneumonia. Raising all sorts of worries because my MIL got pneumonia during her last round of chemo (for breast cancer) and that is what took her life away.

edited to add - am going to draft another social story about what to do when people around you are sad.

i just had a thought- why not check out your local library ? i'm sure there are stories about death & dying.

Libraries are scary. I love them but all the disapproving looks at my girls cut me up inside.

However I did find this amazing Yahoo Group dedicated to social stories (and thankfully no off topic anti-vaccine rubbish) = http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/socialstories/

They had the perfect social story in their archives which had me in tears because it was about what would happen when Dad died and then the second story about after Dad had died. It is a simple story but just reading had me in tears because you realise that out there is a child for whom this story was written and their Dad had died.

i know about the disapproving looks unfortunately...........i've gone to the library by myself before....our librarian has been a great resource.

Sorry for the delay replying life has been a little hectic. At this stage I always have at least one child with me so no solo trips to the library.

More often than not I have at least one of my nephews with me in addition to one or the other of my daughters. My SIL is the primary carer for my FIL so I'm helping him by looking after her boys so she can focus on her Dad.

In related death news my paternal grandmother had a second stroke on Tuesday so I did a flying trip interstate for the day to say farewell. Her life support was going to be shut down this weekend but my dad is having second thoughts about it and he makes the final decision. I do not envy him that decision at all.

This is the revised social story. I'd appreciate any input. Am struggling to think of a picture to express 'gone to heaven', Heidi relates better to social stories if they have lots of images.

My Granddad has gone to heaven just like Omi. I can’t see him any more but I can look at pictures. I can even see Granddad in my head and in my dreams.

I might feel sad or angry now that Granddad has gone to heaven but it is ok to feel sad or angry. Mom and Dad are sad too. It is Ok to be sad and to cry. Everybody feels sad or angry when someone they love dies.

When I am sad or angry, I can talk to Mom and Dad. I can also talk to A, B, C and other adults. They can help me when I feel sad or angry.

I love my Granddad and will miss him. Granddad loves me and will miss me too.

It’s ok to feel sad because I miss my Granddad now that he is in heaven but I will still be able to look at pictures and see him in my dreams.

I just wouldn't bother sugar coating. I was kept from all deaths family related - I don't know why. If they were honest with me it would've shown I was part of the family as I was always feeling separated as it was. Best not to lie as when they get older they will question lying and being hypocritical with it

I'm doing my best not to sugar coat anything. Do you think the story has glossed over something it shouldn't have?

We've visited Granddad in hospital and I've told both my girls he is very sick.

As for lying - that is one of the reasons I tell my girls that Santa is not real, because I don't want to lie to them about that, how would they feel learning one day that Mummy and Daddy have lied to them for years about Santa.

don't know whether or not you believe in angels, but you could somehow make a picture of the grandfather as an angel surrounded by other angels....

I've been doing a bit of reading and like the idea of a memory box.

Put a picture of Granddad in the box with some special momentos, maybe a story about Granddad and pictures the child has drawn.

I'm thinking of getting my girls to do one each. I could get some angel pictures to put on the outside of the box.