Kicked out of daycare

Post Reply New Topic

Okay, so our son was "disenrolled" today. The teacher feels she does not have the resources to take care of him. She says she is not sure if he understands and is being willfully defiant, or if he does not understand her at all. (Sometimes I wonder the same thing, but it hurts to hear it from someone else....it's like they are judging...)

I guess I'm just looking for words of encouragement as I seek a diagnosis and some sort of help through the public (school) system.

Also a question, for those of you that have been this route:

Florida just passed a law that says, starting in 2010, health insurance will ahve to cover autism therapy. So, if he is DX'ed now, does that meet that they can exclude it later as a preexisting condition? Just wanted to know if anyone had a similar experience, or any insight...

Okay, okay. I'm really stuck. Maybe I should have posted this in The Haven. Life just seems to be spiralling out of control, the economy is crap, I've recently yelled at my bosses' boss over payroll issues, and now someone has officially rejected my son on the basis that he's too hard to work with.

I really don't know what to do....this parenting thing is too hard. If I hyperventilated, I'd be hyperventilating right now.

Poor thing. I saw your post about an hour ago and needed time to think of a reply. I know well the feeling of judgement. When mine was that age, I had no condifence in myself as a parent at all. I felt like everything was my fault and everyone else agreed. You might want to try and find someone with a reputable licensed in-home day care. Facilities with large groups are less likely to cater to your child. I worked in one years ago and it is just a mess. By the time you get everyone through all of the feedings and cleanings throughout the day, there is just not much time for anything more, even in low ratios. A small, more home like environment might work out better. I don't know...something to try, I guess.

As for the insurance issue, I have no clue. You should really check into that with someone in your state who knows.

I hope things get better for you.

thanks for the response.
This was a small home-based daycare. He pushed another kid AND peed on the teacher during a tantrum in one day. The sad thing is, he actually expressed an interest in playing with the other kids today, before he pushed one. Something he's never done before. So at least he was making progress....

I am sorry to hear this. Before it was confirmed that my son is under the spectrum.. when he was 2 he was uncontrollable at a camp that I had sent him to and they kicked him out because they couldn't handle him. I blew up!! ! Oh I was so mad! And I think my anger was so heated because deep down I knew something was "off" with him and it was like a confirmation. He is doing well now at 4.5 years and has been getting therapy since 3. His behavior is much better and today he wouldn't be kicked out for the same reason.. but he would easily get lost instead.

Deep breath. Deep breath.

I SO remember those days, trying to make a situation work just because it was the situation that I had in hand.

But there are no shortcuts here, and finding the right situation for a child takes time and patience. Some parents are lucky in that this is relatively easy; we aren't. BUT that does NOT mean a good situation is not out there. It DOES mean you will have to invest more time, most likely more money, and a lot more thought into it.

We had a nanny when my son was very young, and again after my daughter was born, with my son going to preschool only in the mornings a few days a week. Both times I spent full days with the nanny before leaving the children fully to her care, to make sure they adjusted well. By the time I decided to go with private in-home care, I was willing to do anything, ANYTHING to make it work, lol. I had gone through SO many failed situations.

And, ultimately, I felt my son thrived with both nannies. They brought him something that I seemed to be missing, and he responded really really well to the attention and structure they were able to give him. We had no idea he was on the spectrum; no one did. But a good nanny, like a good parent, gets to know the child and adapts accordingly, instead of putting the child into a mold like group care must.

It was horribly expensive, but I am so glad I invested in my child's happiness.

Some kids just can't do group care.

And some just need a better or different group care.

So ... you have to make a choice. What are all your options, and what do you, in your heart, know your child needs? I know that not everyone can afford the choice we ended up with, but if you know it is what your child will need, you make it work. I still remember trying to find someone to do a nanny share with, in the hopes of cutting the cost, and this woman called with a horror story about her child in group care, and why she could never send him back. And, then ... she found out what a shared nanny would cost. She was appalled and said, "how are we supposed to save money if we are spending so much on care? I guess we'll go back to the group situation." Then *I* was astonished. Saving money is great, but would I choose that when the cost was putting my child back in a situation that I knew wasn't working? NO. NEVER. I couldn't believe that after all she had told me, just like that, she made that choice.

I have considered that my daughter's preschool probably would have worked fine for my son, so I know that group care wasn't an absolute no for him, it was more what I seemed to be picking. Evaluating things is SO hard. My daughter's preschool didn't post the great ratios my son's preschool did, but as I discovered after I enrolled her there, ratios aren't always what they appear to be. At my son's preschool, one of the class teachers was usually off doing prep or taking a break, and recess was poorly supervised. At my daughter's preschool all prep was done outside of class hours, subs came in when a teacher went on a break, and outside time was extremely well and proactively supervised. The whole place was so calm and structured that is was difficult to imagine any behavior issue ever happening. And the kids were HAPPY, always eager to go back to school. It was an interesting lesson for me, after so many false assumptions and the poor experience of my son's preschool.

ANYWAY, you CAN see your way clear through this if you allow yourself to truly have all options on the table, to see the impossible as possible, and follow your instincts as a parent. I do remember the fog, I do remember the momentum that seemed impossible to stop, and I do remember my tears of complete frustration, but I also know that there was a part of me that always "knew" the course that needed to be taken, while my conscious just didn't want to deal with it. It's there, you just have to allow yourself to find it.

As for insurance ...

Pre-existing condition exclusions are generally applied when changing companies or obtaining new coverage, and they often expire. On-going coverage shouldn't be affected. But, you will have to read your policy to be sure.

Best of luck to you, I know this is a difficult time, but it is also an opportunity. It isn't you or your child that has failed, it is the situation.

Some people just don't have the money, and have no way of getting the money. Like us. The only thing I can see possibly helping is if he can get some sort of aid through his dad (who is still unemployed, and thus, will be watching him in the daytime now, and thus, will probably remain unemployed indefinitely.) Yeah, money's a real, REAL issue.

The thing is, the kid was really coming around to being socialized. This care WAS the alternative. He was starting to, at 3 1/2, carry a Spiderman doll around with him and call it his "friend" - he was starting to show interest in other kids, even tried to play with them today. At home, he was starting to answer my questions more and more.

And I will hopefully be changing jobs in the future, which means changing insurances. My insurance now is about the worst of the worst. (My current job offers two plans: one called a "limited benefits" plan to those that make under $50k, and a "high deductible plan" for those that make over.) So it might be best to delay the DX until then....

Ugh. In addition to feeling completely stuck, the emotional impact is the worst. I don't know how to describe it. Having a child rejected is like having my ovaries taken out, twisted up, and punched like a punching bag, like in Looney Toons cartoons.

oh , i remember the days..........having the teacher tell me that my son was the worst behaved child- that he didn't know how to share, nor get along with others.........

*****hugs*******

deep breath, deep breath

have you looked into other daycare options ?....i've heard that sometimes the larger daycare centers have more knowledgeable staff....and more staff.....i can see where a home daycare setting with only 1 adult would be, perhaps, not the right setting for your son.

your son deserves the best. he deserves to be cared for by people who have at least a limited understanding of spectrum issues. try checking out your local autism society and see if they have any suggestions for daycare- what about birth to 3 services ?

We went through the same thing. It was heartbreaking when I realized no one wanted my son in their class (not even special ed wanted him). He was kicked out of the nursery room at church when he was an infant/toddler and we just stopped going to church.

It gets better with time. People still pretty much reject us, but we're doing well. It stops hurting after a certain point.

Oh wow, Tortuga, what did you (do you) do?
What was he kicked out for?

He was kicked out of the nursery at church for non-stop crying. I didn't realize there was anything different about him. My mom suspected something because she had volunteered for several years in the church nursery room and she had never heard of a kid being kicked out of the nursery.

He was kicked out of 2 preschools, 1 mom-and-me music class, mainstream kindergarten, and 2 special ed placements. I started homeschooling. He's gotten better, but I feel like they would kick him out again if we tried public school. (when i say he was kicked out of public school, i don't mean he was expelled. i mean, that he was moved around enough that i realized no one wanted to work with him and i gave up on it.)

Sorry, I know not everyone has the money but the thing was, in that story I told, she made it clear that she DID have the money, but was CHOOSING to stash it into other things. THAT was the part that shocked me.

OK, I cannot believe I am going to say this, but what happens if you stop working and take public assistance for 2 years so you can be with your child full time until he has acquired more skills and enters the public school system, where they MUST find a way to handle it all?

It's interesting that feeling you mention, I don't think I took it that personally. I faulted the daycare people, and I faulted how smart my child was - in some ways, I believed then and even though I know better now, I still believe to some degree he WANTED to be kicked out. He didn't want those situations to work, because he didn't want to be in them. And he was a baby, then he was a toddler, and how could I fault him for finding a way to get what he wanted? I was frustrated, I was upset, but I couldn't get mad at him for needing what he needed and making things happen so that he would get what he needed. And then I cried for not having anyone I could blame and yell at, because the truth was the providers weren't up to the challenge, and I knew it. He sent 2 potential nannies home in tears as an infant, and got kicked out of group care. Other situations evaporated before we even tried them. The whole dang thing was impossible, I do remember that, I don't know what we would have done if we hadn't lucked out in the end with the nanny. We exhausted 15 years of hard savings making that choice, which begs the question why I didn't just get rid of my business, but THAT is a whole other topic.

I would lose my home.

To be fair, his dad is already pursuing the role of stay-at-home dad again until we can figure something out, which is great, but stressful nonetheless. Also, the public school system here has early learning services for LD and ASD children. It's just a matter of getting him seen for an eval.

Another thought, have you had him evaluated for special ed preschool? My son actually qualified for that and it would have been a full day program with afterschool childcare (if i needed that). I didn't do it because I had a family member watching him and this particular preschool was in one of the dumpiest schools in our county. But, I have friend in another state who sent her son to special ed preschool after being kicked out of 2 daycares and he thrived and entered kindergarten without an IEP.

Working on it. Just freaking out in the meantime while trying to get him qualified.

And thank you!

I just read your post about the eval. Is it a scheduling problem? Call them everyday. He deserves a full evaluation.