Refusing to do schoolwork

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My girlfriend's son, Billy, is a 9 year old Aspie.

At school, he is having a reoccurring problem with doing his work at school. From what mom says, he just doesn't want to do it, refuses, is pushed to do it, and he has a full fledged meltdown.

He has also threatened to hurt himself to get out of it, which has mom worried that the school will take some sort of action.

She has been trying to get it through to him that there are some things that he just HAS to do! But it doesn't seem to be getting through to him.

Any ideas or insights from those who have walked this path?

From his point of view, it's quite simple: I don't want to do this, I'm no worse off for not having done it, therefore, I don't need to do it. As an added bonus, it also gives him power over those who would make him do it, since unless they grab his hand and forcefully make him write, he can stonewall any attempt to convince him.

As for why he doesn't want to, it could be several things. He might be afraid that if he tries it, he won't understand it or do as well as others, thus singled out for failure. Or his process of doing schoolwork may be overly tedious and/or complex compared to what the teacher actually expects (aspies often have OCD traits, and can make simple tasks complicated for themselves). Or he may resent the fact that he's at school at all, surrounded by people he doesn't like, and punishes those who make him. Or he might just like the fact that, while it never occurred to his classmates to try NOT doing this work they don't like, it DID occur to him, and he revels in his free will.

As for how to fix it, that's more complicated. In the end though, any stick and carrot motivation will last only until it's forgotten or he figures out a way to circumvent it. To succeed long term, he'll have to learn to like school, like the challenge of learning new things and be willing to put his own needs aside for someone elses, just for a little while.

How is he with learning things out of school? Can he teach himself a new video game quickly? Will he listen and retain if you show him something? Does he keep trying something if he fails, or does he give up quickly? These are your clues here.

There's most likely a good reason, and I'm sure if he were to be asked why he won't do his homework, he'd explain it.

As far as meltdowns go, imagine you are in a horror film being chased by a guy with a chainsaw, that's what a meltdown feels like. He threatens to hurt himself, because he feels he's being forced against his will, to do something he may not be able to do. It's not like with a NT child, Aspies have real difficulties with things like handwriting and other issues I can't really think of right now. My point is by forcing him to do the homework, he feels trapped and terrified. I'm sure this may also coincide with people speaking to him in angry tones and yelling, which only increases his terror.

Find a way to accomplish this issue, without forcing your girlfriend's son into feeling like he's being attacked and helpless, because that's how he feels. I know, because I have been there, I have Asperger's Syndrome and am a 26 year old female. He also could be threatening to hurt himself, because the only way to deal with the fear and the stress, is self-harm which releases more endorphins.

I really don't know what else to suggest, other than laying off of him, or asking the homework be decreased. If the teachers don't like it, use my horror film analogy to show them just how much fear and stress is involved, in making him perform on the spot like a trained monkey. I'm pretty upset just thinking about how this felt from my own childhood. It really feels as if he has no way of controlling his environment, and so he feels utterly helpless like he's being locked in a room until he finishes his homework. If he doesn't or comes across something he has trouble on, it just means more anxiety and fear.

I hope this will be resolved before it comes to him having cuts up and down his arms. How would it feel if someone said you had to do something you knew was impossible for you to accomplish, and the only way you would be able to have freedom again was to accomplish that which feels impossible for you. That's what it's like insisting your son needs to do his homework.

Last edited by violet_yoshi on 09 Dec 2008, 1:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I only see him on the weekends, but from what I've seen, he learns very well outside of school, but he doesn't handle failure well. Example, he was playing an online role playing swords-and-sorcery game. He is still low level, so dying has no consequence in game. When his character died, he got very upset and VERY loud! He started going into how he was too stupid to do anything right, and he was too stupid to play the game. I said "Okay then, if you are too stupid to play this game, then no more game!" He stopped dead in his tracks and said "I was just kidding!! !" After about 10 more seconds, he was fine and playing the game again.

Math is his strong point. He enjoys math and brags about his math skills. Yet the most recent meltdown was in math class when he refused to do his work.

Does that give any more insight? Sorry, but I'm VERY new to working with Asperger's.

I understand what you are saying about the "stick and carrot" motivation, but we want to get it across to him that there are things in life you don't want to do but have to even if you are never going to enjoy them (but enjoy what they are going to lead to long term). He is only 9 now, but one day he is going to hold a job, and an employer won't put up with this kind of behavior.

I appreciate the insight into his world VERY VERY much!

I understand what your saying. However, the game is something he enjoys. Asking him to do homework in an area where he does not posess the skill is like asking someone who needs a wheelchair to walk. Unfortunetly a lot of Special Education teachers are not concerned about the children, and care more about having them finish homework, rather then having to put it any effort to see that things are done at the child's speed of understanding.

This is why you will see parents here every once in awhile complaining about having trouble getting a school to understand their child's IEP, or PTA meetings. It takes a lot for teachers who would rather see Asperger's kids as a nusience rather than children who need to learn differently, to understand you can't overwhelm a child with Asperger's with homework. It's a situation where they are made to feel they are stupid, because they are being forced to do something past their abilities.

This is why your son says he's stupid when he loses a life in a video game, because he's learning to feel that way about himself from school.

Yoshi:
For things like handwriting and reading comprehension, I could understand it being beyond his ability. However, he is downright GIFTED in math! It is NOT beyond his ability in the least, and doing this work at home, he does it just fine (once he quits delaying and delaying and delaying and delaying...).

Does that give any more insight?

Make a list of his responsibilities - and post them either at the grandma's house or at yours. I have to do this with my daughter. She understands there is no reward, she just HAS to do them. Some of the things include

taking a bath
Brushing your teeth
finish your homework
remember your school work
read 20 minutes (at least) a day
pick up your toys
check the dogs water.
take your medicine (for those who will read this and are against medicine, she's also been diagnosed ADHD and truly is better on it. as she gets older I'm open to taking her off, but she has to have it to get through her school days)

I understand how hard things are for her every day. but there are just somethings that she in perfectly capable of that she needs to do. she can take her time and I'm not too picky on how she executes the task, and they are not extremely complicated. She seems happy that she's finished her list.

Another part of keeping her calm and helping her be a part of the family is keeping a behavior chart. if she can make it through the week without hurting anyone, with words or violence, she is rewarded with something special... it's not much something like a toy car for her collection or I'll take her to the woods and we'll go on a hike.

I hope some of this helps. she's seven now, and we started these things when she was six. it was NOT an immediate effect, it takes time, but the routine really does help. she knows what is expected of her, and it's not asking her to do anything that I truly feel is out of her range.

Hm. This could be it. I will ask him if his teacher yelled at him or got frustrated.
Thanks!

I understood when you said he was good at math. What about the other homework he may not be able to do?

What kind of monster would yell at a child for not being able to perform like a machine?

That probably wasn't what she was thinking. He is mathematically gifted, so she might have gotten frustrated because of laziness (and yes, he is QUITE lazy). However, IF she did yell (or appear aggressive), it could have been what set off the meltdown.

This is all supposition, though. I will have to ask him when I see him again.

Yeah I'm sure it's never considered upon becoming a teacher, that an adult getting mad at a child can be absolutely terrifying and make them fear for their life.

...if that is what happened.

Well, I do recall learning how to multiply in 2nd grade, and that because the classes were small and the 3rd grade was learning how to do it in the same room. And in 4th and 5th grade I was as sick as hell about doing "handouts" (busy work made with the copying machine) with 100 multiplication problems on each of them!

I had more interesting things to think about and do with the time it took to do those, so my imaginary dog ate them! They were not a significant part of my grade and so I obviously didn't flunk. If it really mattered I probably would have (but I'm sure I didn't) use a calculator to cheat in such a way that it would look like I did all the intermediate sums as expected.

One of the things I am trying to get through to him is that sometimes you will have to do things that you don't want to. In the future, a boss may demand that he do something that he doesn't want to or doesn't see the point of, but he will still have to do it or risk getting fired. Yeah, he's only 9, but he will eventually have to support himself, and he is quite capable of doing so.

I hated doing homework as a kid. School was difficult for me. I see all the kids doing their school work and getting it done while I didn't and I had tons of homework when I get home so instead of coming home and relaxing, I practically still had school. My mother would make me do my homework or else there be a consequence. Reason why I hated it was because I had poor concentration, and it drained my energy. I think there were hardly times when I didn't mind doing it because the work wasn't hard. I know lot of kids hate homework.

To me as a kid, school meant learning, and at home it meant relaxing.